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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Friday, September 30, 2005

truth and freedom

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You know the old adage 'the truth will set you free'? Well it's true. I said something true to someone today and a) they reacted quite well and b) we are suddenly more comfortable with each other. That's kind of cool.

This is something that I've noticed in an ongoing way in my life. Many times I haven't told people what I'm really thinking because I'm shy or I'm afraid that I will lose their friendship or I'm afraid that I will hurt their feelings or whatever and yet universally every single time I've told the actual truth to someone the reaction has been positive.

Funny because it's the hardest thing in the world to do and you have to be willing to risk a friendship to do it or it's really not what I'm getting at. I recall once that I told a friend that I felt he needed anger management or stress management counselling. Can you imagine how afraid I was to do that? I really really took a deep breath and danced around the subject and looked for euphemisms for 'you're really angry a lot of the time' and still I came out and said it and he reacted so well. [holy crap, is that sentence as long as i think it was... this impossible to see it all at once thing is odd] In fact he thanked me for the advice. His doctor then fucked it all up but that's his doctor and not on me.

There have been friends that I've basically dropped because I didn't have the balls to tell them how they had hurt me or stunned me or were stifling me or whatever and to them I send out a gross and significantly overdue apology. If I knew where you were I'd send you a card. Anyway, what did that get me? It got me lost friends and hard feelings that could have been addressed. Funny thing is that if I had had the balls to tell them the truth I might still have a friend and maybe the friendship would have deepened. Scared girl too afraid of losing her friends to tell them the truth loses them anyway. Irony.

It's really weird though, I have universally been terrified about telling people truth that I didn't think they wanted to hear and nearly always they thanked me for it. You would think that such positive responses would encourage me in the telling of the difficult truths. Demonstrate to me how worthwhile it is and yet still I so often find myself shying away from things or candy coating them.

Some of this is, I'm sure, due to my subconscious realising who can and who can't handle what I'm actually thinking but at the same time there's more to it than that. When a friend started on a path that I was sure would find his marriage shattered at the end of it there wasn't anything that I could say that would have stopped it or made it easier for them. So I simply cautioned them to take their time. I didn't say 'i see doom ahead on all sides... run in circles scream and shout!' Was that the cowardly option? Would I have been better served or would they have been better served had I told them my unvarnished thoughts? The not so nice ones?

Human relations. What an endlessly fascinating topic. Seriously I think I should have been a socioanthropologist or something because I have strange and wonderful realisations about the average human. Of course my own behaviour fascinates me the most. It's so strange and unexpected.

Funny too, everyone I know thinks that I'm so brave but I'm so afraid of the things that are important. Physical risks are easy. It's the emotional ones that I have a hard time with. I'm so cautious about taking chances, so hesitant to leap into things that could actually wound me that I sometimes wonder what I'm missing out on. I wonder if that little piece of me that is always detached, always protecting me, always sober [seriously] is preventing me somehow from getting more deeply involved with things and people.

I don't (by the way) think that that's it, but it's fun to wonder about things like this.
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There was a moment at band practise tonight where my inner drummer came fully out and what I was playing and what I was hearing in my head matched up. sublime.
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I had to wear a jacket today... and change into jeans for warmth instead of style. Fall is here ring the bell...

It's time for this bird to sleep, have a good one kids!

[be advised i have no graphical user interface for the foreseeable future, if you have word verification in your comments I ain't able to comment on your blog...]

15 Comments:

Blogger DZER said...

*thumps chest, then scratches head*


*walks off, knuckles draggin' along the ground*

I'm sending a note to myself to turn off word verification, cuz I miss yer comments

9/30/2005 01:19:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

aw dzer yer a darlin'

i'll be by today to comment a lot! :)

9/30/2005 08:59:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

I'm no darlin' ... but I play one on the blogosphere ;)

9/30/2005 09:44:00 AM  
Blogger castufari said...

Good on you for opening up like that. Many people won't tell someone the truth or say "damn dude, you have been mr farking negative lately, what gives?". They realize it when the damage is done and people avoid them because of their behavior.

Brisk last night, had to break out the flannel sheets, which meant SLEEP GOODNESS. I LOVE it when it's 10c at night, I can zzz the whole night w/o waking up.

9/30/2005 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: sure sure :) I play a deeply honest and insightful person in the blogosphere... how's that for ya? :)

cast: it's the hardest thing in the world to do and yet the most worthwhile... logical really, if it weren't so hard it wouldn't be worth doing.

yeah i had to close my window it was that cold out.

9/30/2005 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

sass: that's no acting on your part ... I can tell you are a deeply honest and insightful person (also a climbing addict) ... you're just too real and honest to not be ... ummm ... real and honest ;)

9/30/2005 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

well that's how i feel about you being a sweetie. i can't imagine that you could fake it that well if it weren't true!

9/30/2005 12:03:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

aha ... but I am a ham ... and hams are actors, if overly emotive and hammy ones ;)

9/30/2005 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

mmmm ham... suddenly i'm hungry

hey i'm a ham too dude, that doesn't make me less honest does it? so why does it make you less of a sweetie?

9/30/2005 01:18:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

cuz I cheat ;)

10/01/2005 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

on?

10/01/2005 11:23:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

as in "I play dirty" ... not as in "I'm an unfaithful bastard"

LOL

10/01/2005 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

perhaps i should have said on/at?

what do you play dirty at? because other than stacking cards which is nasty and unfair i would say playing poker is when you're SUPPOSED to play dirty...

10/01/2005 12:07:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

SASS-fall sucks. I want to put the bikini back on for just a couple more weeks. Besides, I'm solar powered.

Good for you girl, the truth will set you free. totally.

Miss you and your comments. Nixing word verification as well.

Smooches and large, unadulterated boobie hugs

10/02/2005 11:04:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey bubbles, see today's post, I can actually do word ver again cause i have a gui working.

also, I MISS BIKINI WEATHER! Damm

now i want to be on a beach so bad.

*boobie huggles!*

10/02/2005 11:17:00 AM  

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