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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Thursday, September 22, 2005

being yourself

A friend of mine wrote a rant about online dating that is quite topical to my current musings so I'm taking the end of it and expanding. The original post is here.

friend said:
I have been told in the past that it is my brain that is my greatest asset and my brain that is my most potent enemy. At least right now that seems to be the case. None the less, I will not dumb down my profile. I will not pretend to be someone other than myself and for the love of God, I will not make people laugh. Yeah, I gots chore honesty right heah. Deal wid it.

Here's the part I'm interested in. I will not pretend to be someone other than myself... funny that my sister and I were talking about this just last night and then I read that post. She said that when she was younger she would sort of turn herself into what men wanted with her speech, movement, hair style or clothing and that since she has started being herself instead she gets much, much less interest. And I noticed instantly that she's right.

The more myself I become in social and dating situations the less interest I generate. Plus I've always had this awesome skill of making friends out of men that I find attractive... which gets me a lot of nice men to hang out with but doesn't help my love life in the slightest. That said, a friend of mine recently became smitten with me and I asked him at one point how long he had known me before he fell for me. A year.

A motherfucking year.

So what I have to meet a guy, get to know him, hang out for a year, let my lovely soul and sweet compassionate nature show and then hope he gets into me after a year? Who the fuck has that kind of time?? Not to mention energy and willpower. Besides, chances are if I'm into you now I may well have moved on a year from now. Sure if I'm still single and you ask me out I'll probably go but the smitten kitten will likely be smitten with or dating someone new.

Hrm, doesn't seem to really be an issue on the dating thing actually what with my awesome recent dating history. Two dates in two years and they were a week apart! Do have one friday though so i'm up to three now. So yeah, chances are if i met someone tomorrow and had to wait a year for them to notice me I would probably still be single when he did.

People have suggested that I ask men out myself and do know that while I am not opposed to that I sort of believe that if a guy isn't into you enough to ask you out then he's probably not going to be into you enough to take you seriously for dating. Maybe this is my 50's mother speaking but it's how i feel.

I didn't used to care about this so much you know, but now I'm staring the scary statistics age in the face with no partner and no real way to support myself and a kid if I do decide to do it alone. See at 35 all sorts of scary statistics show up... odds of miscarriage go way up, odds of birth defects go way up, odds of down's syndrome double... bad odds get bigger and scarier. Which basically means that if I want to have a kid I either have to do it with my gay friend or alone and that even if I get together with someone I don't really have time to wait until I decide if they're like 'the one' or whatever. [see comments from jones for my opinion on the 'one']

I HATE these options. Hate them. A fucking lot. Neither of them are any good. Don't misunderstand, being a single mother doesn't particularly perturb me because I have a really good group of friends both male and female, gay and straight who would make fantastic role models for a child. However, my parents live in Italy, my sister doesn't live in town and I don't make very much money. Not to mention that I'm lonely. So somehow I'm supposed to figure out a way to fund at least 8 months off AND pay for some sperm (because if you're going to do it alone you should just do it alone and not even know the dad) in a year.

In a year???

And here I sit just below the poverty line. I'm really not liking my options. I suppose I could give up having a child and just be footloose and fancy free for the rest of my life but that doesn't particularly appeal to me. I suppose I could foster a kid and hope to be allowed to adopt him or her. I just don't really want to do that. I didn't know this five years ago but I actually want to have a child of my own. And I seem to want it pretty badly. Weird.

What makes this funny is that even though I'm actively looking for someone to date it's almost worse if I find someone than if I don't... because then there's the dreaded compromising with yourself of doom.

'well maybe i'll give it one more year just to see if this works out with him'
'i could wait a bit longer...'

and suddenly I'm 36 years old and staring the same bad options in the face but with my risk factors doubled.

Interestingly I don't think that having a kid around would particularly effect my dating life. Considering that I'm in my thirties I figure my odds of meeting a guy with a kid are as good as my odds of meeting one without... and I'm thinking anyone into dating women in their thirties [what is UP with the 21 year olds messaging me on okcupid??] is half expecting them to have a kid as well. So moot point I suspect.

Wow, if you'd asked me 5 years ago I never would have believed I'd be in these shoes. Care to take a walk in them? [with them?]


Blogger Hubris said...

Wow. I wish I knew what to tell ya. At least I know how that part feels.

9/22/2005 05:20:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i'm melancholy today... it's post camping crash... i'll be good after jam :)

9/22/2005 06:32:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

I don't think my size 15EEE feet would foot in yer shoes ... but if you want a piggy-back ride for a lil bit, I think I can manage that ;)

9/22/2005 07:53:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer you're a darling you know that? i hope some nice lady snaps you up one day.


9/23/2005 12:13:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

I hope she's not the last one! I want to be snapped too!

9/23/2005 12:57:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...


did you mean that to sound dirty?

9/23/2005 09:04:00 AM  
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