hope

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i used to title my posts before i started them but now i do it when i see what the theme will turn out to be. i'm feeling pretty monosyllabic right now. the record in my head goes camping! camping! climbing! camping! pilates! camping! got fired :( climbing! pilates! camping! climbing! whisky and camping!

also i met one of those men today. the ones where you see for a second that wonderful men really do exist. Now because the universe is the universe i am simply going to assume that he has a wife and two beautiful children. Or he lives like 67 hours away. Or he is actually a cocaine addict. Or he's just not that into me. Or *insert reason sass doesn't get this man here*.

but wow you guys, this man was beautiful. And I think he was even more beautiful in his heart than he was on the outside. There was this light in his eyes that must come from being just that chilled. he speaks slowly and with grace. he thinks when he talks and he speaks movement with the same words i do and it was really inspiring to speak with him.

he would talk about teaching and put his hand on his heart to indicate the way things had touched him while being open and forthright about fairly deep thoughts and feelings he has for his business and his own teaching. A couple of times when I told him something he said 'thank you for telling me that' as though I had given him something profound to muse upon.

oh boys and girls if i didn't know better i'd be smitten. fortunately i know better. also i get to teach at his lovely space and having a crush on your boss is just FOOLISH!

Foolish I tell you.

But that's not really the point, the point is that once in a very great while you meet a member of the sex you're attracted to who reminds you of what wonderful possibilities are inherent in humanity and it gives you hope. So that the next time some guy asks you on a date and you're sorta going hrm you actually go. You take a little chance.

I think of them as the give me hope men. The few nice men that I know, married or single or whatever who just by existing give me hope. They remind me that there are wonderful men out there that I can love and that I don't actually have to change myself to do it.

My mother told me once that I had to change my personality to get a man. Well what she actually said was that I should be less challenging or whatever when initially meeting a man and that i should change how I acted... and I was like 'but that would be lying, I would then be pretending to be something that I'm not' and she basically said i shouldn't pretend, I should really change.

I don't get that.

Why do I have to be someone else to partner up? What in hell is wrong with me just the way I am? Am I not my own perfect and unique and beautiful snowflake? Isn't there supposed to be a beautiful snowflake for everyone? Isn't that the point?

Don't misunderstand. I'm perfectly willing to COMPROMISE, but I'm not willing to be less snarky or less sarcastic or less intelligent or whatever.

I used to have several nice men in my little hope stable and eventually they all did things that really turned me off them. It's hard to think of someone as a nice guy when he's staring at you over his girlfriends shoulder and feeling up your ass when you walk by him. It sort of cures you of the whole 'nice guy' mentality.

So it's nice to add a new one.

even if i can't have him. [for the record i am completely open to the possibility that i can have him, but noone like that is my age and single... no one, and he's my age. it sort of clarifies why my grandmother at my age snagged a man in his twenties!]