drunk as a skunk

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i am becoming a cheap drunk. this is fucking wierd. (weird? seriously what is WITH that word???) like i used to drink and drink and smoke and smoke and i was almost sober. I admit that at the time I was in a great deal of constant pain but still. I was close to sober and still i had consumed so much intoxicants. no dudes, SO much.

It really goes to show you what pain and lack of sleep will do to you. Not to mention using marijuana as a painkiller. It does a great job ... but it doesn't get you high when it's killing your pain. It just... kills your pain.

Actually it doesn't even do that. It sorta makes you forget that you hurt for like five minutes and that's really all you need. Robert Heinlein in his later books would talk about Lethe. A drug that made you forget everything that just happened. Your brain would work for like 5 minutes at a time and you just wouldn't remember. It had no addictive properties because it didn't do shit but make you forget. See the theory was [and my experience bears this out] that it's not pain but the memory of pain that's debillitating. So this drug makes you forget that you were in pain five minutes ago.

Think about this. When you fall and slam your knee a bit. When you hit your knuckles on the hold above the one you're reaching for when you're bouldering. When you bark your elbow into something. This hurts like HELL for like 5 minutes. And then it's gone. Like who gives a shit, that was nothing.

Constant pain doesn't hurt as much. what it has on the sudden sharp pain is the torture of longevity. For days and days and weeks and weeks you hurt. That's it, you hurt. You can't sleep because every time you roll over you make something seize up so you wake up wanting to cry. So you don't sleep.

For months.

And months.

And months.

So you get irrational after a while. It hurts every second of every day and you can't feel your brain anymore. You can't understand the decisions you're making and you especially can't get intoxicated.

You can try... but that pain thing, it just doesn't stop.

Now though? Damm dudes.

See in June my friend hubris decided to kick his marijuana habit and I decided to do it with him. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Also after I decided to do that my dealer laid me off which sort of cemented the decision. It seemed like the universe was agreeing with me.

I fairly quickly decided not to quit but to stay cut way down. Damm it's better. First of all? I actually GET HIGH! It's amazing. I remember why I used to like smoking pot. I'm really grateful to the pot for helping me through my accident but I don't miss being a chronic.

First of all I was fat.

And when you're fat and you're in pain and you can't sleep and you're lying on the couch you eat because there's nothing better to do. You're so fucking bored you can't see straight and you're watching hour 46 of television that week and it's only wednesday so you eat.

And you eat.

yeah it's shitty.

So sometimes i had to crawl up the stairs because I couldn't walk up them. So as you can imagine i consumed a fair amount of intoxicants during that couple of years.

And then in June some friends and I chucked our pot habit. Chucked it. We all still smoke but so little that one joint in an evening is enough to get us totalled.

And then tonight I smoked and I drank and I smoked and I drank like the professional that I am and after like maybe 6oz of liquor and 3 pipe bowls I'm trashed. Like totally trashed.

If I were speaking this I would be dropping consonants and slurring vowels. I won't tell you how many tries it took me to type would.

This is a fantastic change. It's so much FUN to be actually intoxicated. Damm.