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snapshots of an idle mind

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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

moving day


it's true.

i'm moving.

this all happened very suddenly, one second i was thinking 'i really have to move to wordpress' and the next i was leaving a comment on sassinak.wordpress.com. hey, if you aren't using this blog can i have it?

an hour later it was mine.

so fucking nice of the dude who used to own it.

anyway... i'm going over here, they don't have days on end where commenting doesn't work. i truly hope y'all will come along.

i guess it's not that i'm moving, it's that i've moved... wow.

here i am

Sunday, November 05, 2006

dot dot

i had the strangest experience today.

i had to do my first aid recert for the ski patrol [read: to keep my certification and some of my jobs] yesterday and my CPR recert today. there were maybe 16 in the group yesterday and i think 11 today.

so we have to watch this dvd and then follow along and practice with it. it's actually much better than listening to someone try to teach you who happens to be more confused than you are. a lot of positive changes to the cpr methodologies this year too.

anyway i whip out my mat and lie down and N (instructor) says "all right but if you start snoring that's it!" and i laugh and the dvd starts and that's it. so then we have to do some practice on the dummies and N says "oh we have to wake her up" and i reply:

"excuse me but i'm hypermobile and it hurts to sit in a chair so i lie down" and this old man across from me joins in.

he says "are you single?"

and i say "of course i am"

and he says "it's no wonder, you're very high maintenance"

seriously? you're allowed to say that kind of shit to people these days? people you've known for a whole day? and the thing is? that's extra cruel from the perspective of a single woman who was hoping to have children and is currently giving it up.

it's like kicking a dog when it's down.

and how is it okay to even say that category of thing to women anymore? if we act like people with actual personalities we're high maintenance but if we don't we're pushovers and clingy. seriously y'all? make up your fucking minds and shut the fuck up about it while you're at it.

i'm making my peace with my total undateableness but why do i have to hear about it from a mean old man?

yes of course i responded. i said something then and then about five minutes later i said "i'm sorry, i know i'm interrupting but i just can't let this go. that was a very hurtful thing you said to me and you have no right to speak to people like that" and he just stared at me oblivious.

so later when he tried to comment on something first aid related to me i said "please don't talk to me, you have nothing to say that i want to hear" and now he looks surprised.

you can insult me and then talk to me like i'm perfectly fine with you? whatever.

this is extra irritating because i got less than two hours of awake to enjoy my happy bliss from last night and then i got stepped on by a mean old man.

stuff doesn't usually hit me that hard but this was like someone ripping off a bandaid with no notice. y'all i'm going to reel from this for a while... and i know gabi will tell me to grow a thicker skin and she's right but well, i haven't done that yet.

bliss you ask?

othercat took me to see the afro-cuban all-stars last night at massey hall and boy. was it fucking awesome.

we're talking about a band that takes the stage and gathers you up and doesn't let you go again until it's an hour later and they tell you to go have a beer and come back.

i actually watched them with my mouth hanging open in shock and my body grooving to the rhythm. it's unfortunate that massey isn't made for dancing or i would have done more of it but i got in a little.

i was... entranced.

they played two sets and an encore but it was a lot more like three sets than anything and there were SO MANY musicians. people who range in age from 13 to 83 came out on stage, everyone from a 23 year old female cuban rapper (clapper) to an 83 year old legendary crooner were singing and grooving for us.

othercat got off the most on the trumpet player but for me it was the drummers. especially the timbale player who was holding it all together. at one point the three drummers were playing together and my hands were going apeshit on my knees along with them.

ahhh good times.

i've seen the trinity pic but i don't have it yet...

it does my outfit justice.

i'm running out of things to say here. i feel like i've gotten most of the things i think about regularly off my chest. i also feel, incidentally, that this blog will go through quiet times and then come back again and that this is a quiet time.

in hockey terms? it's a 'building year' [no idea how long mine is though]

speaking of hockey, i still haven't figured out where to go hang out so i can flirt with mats sundin. don't laugh, i think we'd actually get along well. besides, i like how he leads... and how he thinks before he answers reporters questions.

fine, i just want to meet him so i can fantasize about him. :)

also? i hear he's fucking tall!

that is all [hubris *tm*]

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

friend matrices

well i just had breakfast with a friend i've mentioned before. said friend dumped me flat a while back and didn't answer my calls or emails. recently we ran into each other in the street and have spent a few months organizing a breakfast together.

finally today we did it.

it's so weird, it's like no time has passed... the conversation flowed easily and the gossip was good. we talked about our lives and what we're doing and how things are going and what's exciting us and just reconnected.

how is it so easy?

aren't i supposed to be angry and hurt? aren't i all 'fuck you for dumping me?'

except no, i'm not... in fact i've been thinking and every one of my really close friends and i have had some sort of breakup and get back together moment. something that caused us to need to not be around each other for a goodly period of time before one of us made up with the other.

heck in one case we dated the same man and now neither of us knows him but we are friends again and better for the break. in all cases the break was necessary and freed us somehow to grow our friendships into real things.

things that can break and be reforged.

the kind of friends where we WILL say the hurtful things that we're afraid to say because we know now that we will always come back to each other. in some inexplicable way it gets deeper.

probably a lot like a couple who have their first fight and then work through it. there's this sense of knowing that you're willing to be angry and then learn to move on.

that's a big thing in a new relationship. that moment of realising that you can be angry with each other. in fact, i don't take a new relationship seriously UNTIL we've had at least one fight... and there are more than a few times that i didn't take the warning from said fight and lived to regret it.

no, i'm not telling you who.

the older i get the more i realise that the true friends are the ones who are willing to say the things that hurt you. not because they WANT to hurt you but because they know you need to hear it. they're also the ones who will give everything to you to help you fix whatever it is if they can.

you need both those qualities or it isn't fair.

can't be telling me all the ways that i suck if you aren't willing to help me fix them...

in other news i went out as trinity on saturday night and i'm just waiting for someone to email me pics... but i know that there ARE pics and i will post them as they arrive.

be advised, i'm freakily like her.

in fact? i sort of freaked myself out.

and it was a lovely party although i didn't follow through with certain intentions... probably wise in the long run, it wasn't the time.

it was certainly a hoot watching people realise i'm female though... all 6'4" of me in heels and pvc *grin*

why is it that when SINGLE people feel me up it's not nearly as offensive as when married men do it 'discreetly'?


i got a new source of referrals today, if i can just get about five more hours a week i'll be making enough consistently to get a larger apartment and teach out of it. lord i can't wait!

for anyone still worried about me after my september funk? i have been healed by the arrival of actual fall and my favourite holiday.

just fyi.


go out, play, and be someone you aren't!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

hallowe'en joy

i just had the coolest thing happen.

a friend of mine dropped something off at my house and informed me it was from a secret admirer.

i know this is true because inside it had a cut out card with 'from a secret admirer' written on it in cut up magazine pages. i'm pretty sure i know who it is. there were feminine things and my brand of toothpaste in it.

but check this okay? it's this great orange bag with a jack o'lantern on it and it's full of all these awesome things. my brand of toothpaste, a girly razor and four refills (i'm using a dead razor at the moment), eye makeup remover and pads, emery boards, my brand of tampons, a bag of tortellini pre-made dinner thingy, a toothbrush, and the very best thing ever...

yeah i said ever.


wait for it.


wait for it

feather BOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


how awesome is that? it has matching false eyelashes and lipstick even. (i'm totally wearing the whole shebang to work on tuesday!)

now the reason i'm pretty sure that i know who it is? there was a lighter in there too. and she nailed all my brands, so i'm thinking it's my sister. the person who handed it to me swears that it's from someone other than them you see... so she's off the hook, but lividviv now...

and i don't even care is the best part, if it isn't her? then someone who knows me really well made me a hallowe'en care package and i'm just thrilled.

god it's so awesome!

that's all, i'm going to bed.


p.s. does anyone know how to put up false eyelashes? tips and tricks appreciated...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

sunday stumblings

i've got nothing but time today... no post in my head at all so we'll just wee what comes out of my fingers. err see, i mean see.

anyway, it's really starting to suck this driving in toronto thing. i didn't used to be afraid for my life when i got in my car every day. i don't remember people running red lights to the extent that the entire advanced green in the other direction gets used up.

i don't remember so maybe people hitting my car and leaving ridiculous dings and no notes.

it's just all gotten so much worse.

my friend b was telling me about what they did in new york city a few years ago. the mayor gave everyone a year's notice that anyone entering an intersection against the lights or when it was congested would receive a FIVE HUNDRED dollar fine.

five hundred bucks. and they warned them for a year.

they got everyone in a uniform, retired, student, meter maid, whatever and blitzed the city... not only did they make a killing? no one enters the intersection like that any more in new york. well not no one but you know, it's better.

do you know what the fine is here? here where intersections are clogged for ENTIRE cycles of lights by idiots who ran through on a yellow and only made it half way?

thirty seven dollars.


genius i tell you.

i have to get ready, da'mute and i are going climbing in ten minutes...nine and i need to brush my teeth.

i love being a chick that's ready in ten minutes.

more time to blog.

the weather is cold and rainy today but somehow it isn't depressing. it's crisp and invigorating. the same weather a month ago made me depressed and now it's delightful. i guess it's about the leaves on the trees. once they're down then it doesn't feel so weird that the weather is funny and cold.

either way it smells fantastic. cold and wet and filled with leaves and rain and a hint of smoke and crispy in your nostrils.

not to mention the colors right now, the don valley is fucking gorgeous these days with the colourful leaves and the water and the bright green grass.

the food reflects the season somehow. we're all eating squash and yams and potatoes and the fruit are shiny and hard and perfect for a cold day. apples in fall are heaven as are pumpkins and the rest of the squash family.

gourds so to speak.

i love gourds, all funky shaped with this strange alienness to them and yet they taste delicious.

i'm breaking up my cats. sorry let me rephrase. mouse and harriet are fine but faust is a problem. faust is the cat down the hall that's dating my cats.

harriet will take me down the hall and stand imperiously at his door while waiting for me to let him in.

he will saunter down the hall and scratch insistently at my door until i allow him in my home.

until the other night.

the other night at 2:42am (alarm set for 9am for a tough mat class with dianne miller) after i had been sleeping for at least ninety minutes i am startled awake by the sounds of two cats having a knock down, drag out fight.

i levitate out of bed and land in the living room to see faust in my window fighting off harriet and as i arrive and shout HEY at the top of my lungs he chucks her off the window ledge and she lands five feet down and four feet out and now i'm upset.

not only is he yowling in my window loud enough to levitate me straight up in the air with my heart racing directly from a sound sleep but he's trying to fight my cat off her own turf!

so i approach and he jumps down to my monitor and hisses at me and i take a sort of fuck off swipe at him (to tap his butt and get him on his way, not hurt him) and fucked if he doesn't attack my hand with his nasty little claws and draw blood.

now i'm raging.

so i stomp over to the door and open it and then stomp back and just look at him and say in my iciest voice "get the fuck out of my house" and make like i'm going to swipe at him again and he jumps to the floor finally and i manage to get behind him and chase him out into the hall.

so i grab the key to his house and stomp off down the hall while muttering to myself and the little hoodlum tries to hiss me off his door!

and doing it well enough that i'm actually afraid!

so i lean way over and unlock the door sort of from above and open it and he rushes in and i'm like 'and stay the fuck out of my house' and shut it and lock it.

so i can't have this. i can't have an animal in my own home who attacks me, that's just not okay. and i think harriet misses him but not that much, i don't see her rushing for the door to be let out and she's way less demanding about going to his house.

will i let them hang again? yes.

here? not if i'm sleeping or resting. that fucker goes home before bed.


not so much.

where the fuck is da'mute it's 3:52 pm... ahhh here he is.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

hrm it's thursday!

okay, so hallowe'en is in ten days (well the saturday partying bit) and both the costumes that i have in mind require some work.

now i don't have the coat or gloves for this one (well i have an oilcloth trenchcoat that i could oil up that has the right cut but still, it ain't pvc):

and my wig is wrong for this one:

and this is the base of the costume (you can see that the wig is wrong and maybe i can afford a new wig - and i love wigs so i don't mind but...):

and this is the gun i will use for barbarella (i'd have to buy something for trinity) and incidentally a fucking hilarious pic of othercat and i last year. :)


incidentally i'm accepting variations on these themes as suggestions AND i'm asking for someone with more skill than me to get those two photos that are linked for me.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

thought provoking

this is a piece of a comment that gabriella left on empty vessel.

we all have aspects of our lives where self discipline is not as strong as in others. emotional self discipline is difficult for many people. they think of something they need to do and then permit their thoughts and then the emotions those thoughts elicit to create a fear response which freezes them in their steps. a fear response based on the fantasy of the imagination; not on the reality of an event that has yet to occur.

this is where meditation comes in handy. it teaches us that there are thoughts that can elicit emotions. we can control our thoughts and we can control our emotions especially when they result in somehow truncating our full experience of life. or prevent us realizing our professional plans.

i think the fundamental problem you are having, in general, whether it's about being in a relationship or promoting yourself is fear of rejection. you give way way too much value to what some person may or may not do when you approach them. but there are what, more than 6 billion people on this planet. context is all. if a few of them don't respond favourably, there's lots of others out there.

the problem isn't the public/potential student/potential mate. the problem is the person who invests way too much emotionally in any given encounter so that they involute after not achieving the most positive outcome from a given interaction.

if a person is always considering the devastating effects of a rejection, that person cannot present themselves in a fully positive way to a potential client.

now this is one of those things that you read you know? and then you read it again about a week later. and then you read it a little while later.

and then you go ask a guy out
or you call up a bunch of your old clients
or you go take classes with dianne miller [second generation legendary teacher]
or you decide to GO to the party this weekend that you heard about instead of just thinking about it.
or you just read this one sentence again and again:

there are what, more than 6 billion people on this planet. context is all. if a few of them don't respond favourably, there's lots of others out there.

holy holy shit.

what a freeing sentiment. i mean don't get me wrong, i'm a child of my upbringing, i will still strive for perfection and be unsatisfied with my own accomplishments. i will still worry about 'enough' in all senses of the word (and some you aren't thinking of) ... at least for a while.

but yeah. six billion.

i could embarass myself in front of every single person i ever meet and STILL meet new people every day. i could do anything i want anywhere i want because you know, six billion people.

seriously the more i think about it the more eased i feel. i can't explain it. i've known for a while that you have to make choices based on your inner eighty and eight year olds. they're way smarter than you are because they aren't currently the ones feeling mortified. and neither of them thinks with their nads.

and thinking with 8(0) year old me has helped to free me up from my fears and challenges and expectations for sure. in fact they're usually the ones who decide the important things with me lobbying for something lame in the background. i do have overrule power but they're always right those bitches.

but i hadn't taken into consideration the six billion people. holy hell that's a lot of people.

i can do anything i want and nobody gives a shit. and if they DO give a shit? there's five billion nine hundred and ninety nine million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine more (give or take nine million of them or so) people out there who don't!




*giant sigh*

so freaking liberating i don't have words.

seriously, go read that comment up there again.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

fuck you...

[look another post i've been working on for months...]

fuck you for hitting my car and leaving a stupid ding under the mirror that's shaped like a horseshoe. just because my car is old doesn't mean that i don't love it.

fuck you for telling me what i'm going to feel

fuck you

fuck you for not loving me the way i loved you. and fuck you more for feeding me crumbs

fuck you for not being good enough

fuck you for using one quarter of the parking on my street for your stupid project

fuck you for 'this guy who was JUST your type just checked you out, turned around, smiled and everything' and NOT poking me when he DID IT!

fuck you for doing it all... way too late

fuck you for not being enough

fuck you for the season finale of gilmore girls. now i have to wait until OCTOBER or something for more of it. and damm... almost saw that coming and still? surprised.

fuck you for having sex against my bedroom window at 4am

fuck you for making our friendship irrelevant

fuck you for doing that too

fuck the toronto maple leafs for not making the playoffs and fuck pat quinn twice as hard. (and a small cheers for the new coach!)

fuck you for ever and always making it about yourself no matter who else is in the room or what they're trying to say. but thanks for that other thing

fuck you for being so young that no matter what reality is you just can't see it

fuck you for helping me build another wall

fuck you for transferring my call before i finished my fucking sentence

fuck you for deleting your blog.

fuck you for not asking me out.

fuck you for smoking outside my window

fuck you for giving me what i need instead of what i want

fuck you for wanting my attention only until you had it. what i didn't have enough bricks in the fucking wall yet?

fuck you for hitting my car hard enough to shatter the mirror and dent the door and fender. just because it's old doesn't mean i don't care and now i have yet another thousand bucks worth of work to do on my old car and you and your fucking huge gas guzzling piece of shit didn't even fucking notice you hit it. i know you didn't because that's how the last person that did the side of my car in responded. ass

fuck you for jumping to conclusions, even if i agree with them

fuck you for 'you just have to put yourself out there'

fuck you all for never noticing that i'm a dateable woman... it's no wonder really, hell i start cybersex with someone and end up giving them advice about their fucking mothers

fuck you for not sending me clients anymore, i hate looking for work and it doesn't suit the type of teacher that i am

fuck you for opening a studio without me (really not... i'm just sad about the missed opportunity)

fuck you for inviting yourself into my home whenever you want whether i'm welcoming or not

fuck you for offering something you knew i needed and then not giving it up... that's just teasing

fuck you for moving to california

fuck you for offering me a dream job IN california and then realising that i'm canadian

fuck you for 'we wish you the best of luck in your practise' AFTER asking me for my cards

fuck you baskin robbins for being out of peanut butter chocolate when i needed it!