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snapshots of an idle mind

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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Friday, September 30, 2005

truth and freedom

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You know the old adage 'the truth will set you free'? Well it's true. I said something true to someone today and a) they reacted quite well and b) we are suddenly more comfortable with each other. That's kind of cool.

This is something that I've noticed in an ongoing way in my life. Many times I haven't told people what I'm really thinking because I'm shy or I'm afraid that I will lose their friendship or I'm afraid that I will hurt their feelings or whatever and yet universally every single time I've told the actual truth to someone the reaction has been positive.

Funny because it's the hardest thing in the world to do and you have to be willing to risk a friendship to do it or it's really not what I'm getting at. I recall once that I told a friend that I felt he needed anger management or stress management counselling. Can you imagine how afraid I was to do that? I really really took a deep breath and danced around the subject and looked for euphemisms for 'you're really angry a lot of the time' and still I came out and said it and he reacted so well. [holy crap, is that sentence as long as i think it was... this impossible to see it all at once thing is odd] In fact he thanked me for the advice. His doctor then fucked it all up but that's his doctor and not on me.

There have been friends that I've basically dropped because I didn't have the balls to tell them how they had hurt me or stunned me or were stifling me or whatever and to them I send out a gross and significantly overdue apology. If I knew where you were I'd send you a card. Anyway, what did that get me? It got me lost friends and hard feelings that could have been addressed. Funny thing is that if I had had the balls to tell them the truth I might still have a friend and maybe the friendship would have deepened. Scared girl too afraid of losing her friends to tell them the truth loses them anyway. Irony.

It's really weird though, I have universally been terrified about telling people truth that I didn't think they wanted to hear and nearly always they thanked me for it. You would think that such positive responses would encourage me in the telling of the difficult truths. Demonstrate to me how worthwhile it is and yet still I so often find myself shying away from things or candy coating them.

Some of this is, I'm sure, due to my subconscious realising who can and who can't handle what I'm actually thinking but at the same time there's more to it than that. When a friend started on a path that I was sure would find his marriage shattered at the end of it there wasn't anything that I could say that would have stopped it or made it easier for them. So I simply cautioned them to take their time. I didn't say 'i see doom ahead on all sides... run in circles scream and shout!' Was that the cowardly option? Would I have been better served or would they have been better served had I told them my unvarnished thoughts? The not so nice ones?

Human relations. What an endlessly fascinating topic. Seriously I think I should have been a socioanthropologist or something because I have strange and wonderful realisations about the average human. Of course my own behaviour fascinates me the most. It's so strange and unexpected.

Funny too, everyone I know thinks that I'm so brave but I'm so afraid of the things that are important. Physical risks are easy. It's the emotional ones that I have a hard time with. I'm so cautious about taking chances, so hesitant to leap into things that could actually wound me that I sometimes wonder what I'm missing out on. I wonder if that little piece of me that is always detached, always protecting me, always sober [seriously] is preventing me somehow from getting more deeply involved with things and people.

I don't (by the way) think that that's it, but it's fun to wonder about things like this.
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There was a moment at band practise tonight where my inner drummer came fully out and what I was playing and what I was hearing in my head matched up. sublime.
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I had to wear a jacket today... and change into jeans for warmth instead of style. Fall is here ring the bell...

It's time for this bird to sleep, have a good one kids!

[be advised i have no graphical user interface for the foreseeable future, if you have word verification in your comments I ain't able to comment on your blog...]

Thursday, September 29, 2005

la lalalalalaaa... lalalalalaaaaaaaa lalalalalaaaaaaa!

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*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*

I'm so fucking delighted right now. Hubris and I went to the gym and did some routes. How did we manage this you ask? Well, firstly, HUBRIS GOT A HARNESS!!!
*dance of glee*
So we went straight in and it turns out that all of the 5.7's have been turned into 5.11's because of some Kentucky trip at thanksgiving. Which is fine, but there's no routes to warm up on in the freaking gym. So I jumped on a 5.8 that I had climbed most of last week at somewhere around hour 4 and I bounced up it. And hubris was all 5.10 5.10 and I'm all 'no dude you have to warm up!'

So he did. And I did. And then we climbed our faces off. Hubris actually climbed 3 of the 4 5.10- routes at our gym and flashed one of them! I was having a fantastic night myself, I flashed I 5.9 that I'd never seen and finished some routes that had been digging at me. (BEFORE they got changed for a change) And then it was 10:30 and my whole body was pooped and that's when I did it.

I went over to a 5.10- and I tied on up to it and you know what motherfuckers? I climbed it! Okay there was some falling off at one point where I couldn't get the feet and I took a couple of swipes at it but I started lower and really did figure out the move before I finished. I topped out a 5.10-.

TODAY!
did I mention...
*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*?

No? just checking you know. Oh, and in case I didn't tell you, I CLIMBED a 5.10 MINUS!! Yah!
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In other news, kde didn't build either. I'm really looking back on 4.11 with some serious fondness. Here I am still stuck with the text browser. I should get viv's auld peecee off othercat and just install to that. Sucks but whatever.
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light strikes a deal is heading to New York for a dog show this weekend [i know a dog show.. i'm stunned... he so didn't seem like the type] Anyway he's doing a drive through of Toronto on his way and we get a visit. Hubris and I are stoked.

Also, hubris flashed a 5.10-
and I climbed one.

First one in three and a half years.

It's possible i'm excited.

la lalalalalaaaa lalalalalaaaaaaaa lalalalalaaaaa
:)

*snicker* i'm now just having fun writing ridiculous happy things while pondering the incredible exhaustion in my forearms, shoulders etc. So fucking tired. Three hours with one ten minute break of solid harder routes than either hubris or i have ever been in the habit of climbing.

I feel a little tendony actually so I'm going to probably skip out until saturday. Cousin has cancelled computer work next week so i can hit the gym on saturday and tuesday and probably friday. Should be cool, hope I can meet up with hubris' new harness again.

I really have nothing else to say and my eyes are closing and I have a class in 8 hours. Feel free to keep talking about age differences in the previous two posts. Those are some really interesting comments y'all have been making.

Night!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

still waiting

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i'm still stuck in text browser land so i'm borrowing TnA's computer for a bit so i can post something. it's really freaking frustrating working in a text browser because you can so easily delete whatever you're typing and there's really no way to get it back. It is, of course, much better than nothing!

Still it will be nice to have a working computer and things like image editing capabilities on my home computer. Trying to edit images on the web is like trying to type through molasses. Hmmm lovely mental image that *grin*

damm TnA's connection is fucking slow!
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I've been really enjoying the comments my crap post generated. I find it interesting how many of the men I know have fond memories of an older woman that they've dated. I have definite fond memories of the men that I dated who were significantly older and yet somehow it feels different. I think it's that leftover 50s prejudice.

What's funny is that I don't feel remotely judgemental when I see relationships where the woman is significantly older. I just assume that the guy is extraordinary or that they share some common passion or whatever. So it's not that I mind such things... I think really it's the line at 25.

I once said to a man I know that I felt that dating a man under 30 would be like taking candy from a baby. I've since reconsidered that and dropped the age to about 23 because after that I think it's a fair fight. *grin*

Seriously with most teenagers it would be like leading a donkey by the carrot above his nose. I truly feel that it would be so easy to manipulate them that it would almost be criminal. Not the extraordinary 19 year old of course, he's so self possessed that he is truly the exception that proves the rule. That guy may be nineteen but he's a man.

Perhaps that's it. It's not about numbers at all but about man versus boy.

I have met at least one person recently who is in his thirties and yet is fully still a boy waiting for the world to provide his fun and excitement. He's not proactive at all and he's definetely not going after his life, he's just letting it pass him by. [damm now Sam Roberts is stuck in my head... 'i feel my life is passing me by...'] Not to mention that he lacks (self) awareness to an extent that's hard to imagine if you're as aware as I am.

And I've met at least one teenager who is out there grabbing life with both hands and not sitting back and waiting at all. So although the one is 12 years older than the other it's really the teenager who is the man.

So I guess the numbers really aren't relevant, it's about relative maturity. In general the way to bet involves older beating out younger but I certainly know men in their 40s who are still children in everything but name. Sitting around talking about what life owes them.

Life doesn't owe you shit motherfucker, get out there and live it!

I'm sort of tempted not to post this yet just so i can see if the comments continue as they have been but I don't think that will work. I do notice that it's getting harder to post every day. It's easy when you're cheerful and busy but harder when you're not doing as much. It's funny that I say that because I'm crazy busy right now.
.

Hubris and I are off to do routes this evening and I'm totally stoked. There's a couple of routes that I climbed but didn't flash and a couple of others that I'm like two moves from finishing. I feel I've just had a bit of a shift so I'm thinking those babies are mine.

I'm really happy with my body right now, it just did one of those shifts and now I'm feeling and looking a lot better and I feel taller and lighter. Also my shadow is looking better. don't laugh I'm serious.
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My classes are on an upswing. I'm over ten classes a week now and I only need about five more to be able to put the occasional penny away. As it is I should be able to afford my life as long as I act really poor. I'd like to get enough more classes that I can drop the three I teach on the weekends and have a weekend life that allows me to get out of town again!

Still it's better than I expected and I'm starting at a new club that plans to add more classes shortly. Cool beans right?

Off to clean/teach/climb, hope y'all are having a wonderful day.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

crap

pics are up in the post now
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crap crap crap

kde spent like 30 hours building and then it ran out of space. fuck. so i have to start from scratch and you all will have to wait for your regularly scheduled blog comments [lynx can't see the word verification image. word verification bitches] crap.

i really want a working gui i really do... i'm all spoiled now and this lynx thing isn't doing it for me. That's okay, I can still post even if I can only comment on some blogs (NONE of which are updated *grumble*) and at least I can still read them. This is sorta neat. Lynx gives you a line of text to write on and then keeps scrolling and scrolling so the actual edit and check your work functionality is totally gone. I just have to trust my brain to remember what I just said.

Don't laugh, I'm not high right now I should be able to do it. I think I'm going to spend the day watching tv and occasionally typing things like make installkernel KERNCONF=MANTICORE about once an hour or so. Currently the world is building and that's actually strangely fun to watch. You just see this crazy code stuff go scrolling across the screen and eventually it sort of makes sense.
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So I posted my sledge pic to okcupid after all and it's getting some good comments. Only from people who are already interested in my profile but nonetheless it seems to be working. I'm starting to wonder if my pics on that site are somehow misleading. Why you ask? Well I get a lot of attention from the 18-21 set and that seems a bit odd for a 34 year old woman. Hubris tells me that I underestimate the older woman effect. Sure fine... 6, 8, 10 years maybe but 16? That seems like a lot. I know that when I was 28 I dated a guy who was 44 and we had a pretty good time but the age difference really did make itself felt. When it comes to an eighteen year old I'm thinking that that 16 years is even longer. I mean I'm effectively twice the guy's age. The pics I have up are my sledge picture, my blogspot profile pic and a couple of others where you can actually see my face. I'll post them to this post later if I can ever get the gui working.



I think I look my age in those photos. It says 34 in my profile after all... so what's with the kids coming after me? (for the record anyone over 25 is exempt from these comments... it's the 21 year olds I can't comprehend)

Maybe I'm being sexist. I know when I was 20 and dating my 31 year old boyfriend I didn't think anything of it. In fact it was one of the healthiest relationships I was ever in. Sometimes I am so tempted to track that guy down, but I did once and we talked a bit and I grew and changed and he well... didn't really. Why would he after all, he was a fully formed human when I met him. So why was it okay for me to date way above my own age and yet I think it weird when way younger men come after me? Hrm... methinks I feel some old prejudice working itself out.



That said, a 32 year old woman that I know recently split with her 21 year old boyfriend and apparently it was just those problems that split them up. She was just in a totally different place in her life than he was and it just wasn't reconcileable. I think once both parties are over 25 there is a possibility for meeting somewhere in the middle of the life stages you're both at, but until then I'm just not sure it's possible. This guy she was dating was living with his mother and making like 60k/year and so would lecture her on her finances. She's got debts, life history, an apartment to pay for and so on and here's this kid lecturing her about how to save money. Apparently it about made her want to kill him.

So there is a happy medium somewhere with the age thing and I think it's 25. I think somehow that that's a magic number for figuring out relationships with or without an age difference.

Of course not all 25 year olds are created equal *grin*

[oh man, mouse jumped up on the windowsill which harriet considers her exclusive domain and harriet has spent like the last 40 minutes trying to get up there and mouse keeps just looking at her and not sharing. So harriet has finally figured a way up there and now mouse wants down and can't figure out how. So they're wrestling in the window... damm you guys are cute! And now they're chasing each other around the place and sliding around the floors...]

I guess I just wonder what would possess an 18 year old to come after a 34 year old. I can understand 25-45 really but after that it seems a bit strange to me. It could be that I already have done massive age differences and so I'm aware that anything over ten years gets really weird. You're just so not in the same place in your lives and often your priorities and needs or desires just don't jive. I know there are exceptions, I'm pretty sure bo derek was happy every day of her marriage to that guy who's 25 years older than she is... but she seems a bit of an extraordinary woman really.

Okay really I don't care, I just want to know why on earth teenagers are after me and people anywhere near my actual age range just aren't. Weirdness.

Monday, September 26, 2005

text browsers and other calamities

I am currently typing into a grey window with blue text and totally winging it. I'm not even sure if this will post but it saved as draft okay so I'm feeling good. I'm actually really impressed with the Blogger nerds because lynx is this really old text browser and this interface is fully functional. I can edit my posts and comment on blogs and everything and all with no graphical user interface.

That's most excellent stuff.

Why am I using a text browser you ask? Well I decided that it was high time I have a functional desktop computer instead of a giant machine that maybe runs a web browser and that's it. It was when I needed dzer to resize pictures for me that it got out of hand. So I copied my data onto my server and started upgrading from Freebsd 4-stable to 5-stable. Non nerds I apologise... pretend I'm talking about climbing. Look pretty muscles!

I wrote a nice little post here and then made the calamitous error of hitting the back arrow to navigate and going back a page. In lynx this means you've lost your post.

fuck
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okay so you don't get the big long explanation about upgrading my operating system and the explanation of why it's building a gui and why that takes so long. Nope, I'm skipping that and going straight to what turned out to be the meat of the post. It actually starts at the climbing gym though.

I was at the gym yesterday and my arms were probably too tired from chopping wood but I didn't care, I just wanted to climb. Really I wanted to do routes but g wasn't there and hubris can't buy a harness. I have a lack of endurance from this that I really need to work on. So I was working a problem that I've been working on for a while and finally I actually started to make some progress. In fact I'm hitting the next hold but not quite getting a grip on it. This is huge, I was stuck on this problem for like a month at least and I hadn't made a lick of progress. [as in I was hanging off a hold and could NOT get myself going up no matter what i tried]

So there's this 18 year old girl who started climbing like a month ago and she's throwing herself around the walls and working all these crazy problems that I can't even look at yet. And I know that I should really remember that spider woman is a teenager and she hasn't been broken repeatedly and her shoulders aren't compromised and we all learn at different paces and and and. It's like with hubris, we started up again together and I spend at least as much if not more time at the gym than he does and i teach pilates and do other stuff and yet he's outdistancing me by miles and miles. And the distance is increasing. I know I shouldn't let this get to me but it does. When they start working some problem I can get halfway up and start dropping holds and jumping around the wall I get a little unhappy and impatient with myself.

I know that I should just be delighted that I'm allowed in a climbing gym again. I know that I have to pay close attention to the twinges in my shoulders. I know that patience is my lesson but dammit.

It's hard to have patience and to remember that we're all different and that comparing yourself to others is a fool's exercise. But still, I'm impatient and frustrated. In fact that seems to be the theme for my life these days. I don't think that it's just the dating thing either although that's enough to depress anyone. It's certainly not like teaching pilates, climbing and hanging out with my friends is a bad life. In fact it's a damn good one.

It's just that there's something missing. If I were a writer I would write, if I were a painter I would paint but I am neither of these things. And yet I feel some sort of desperate need for an outlet other than this blog. I love my blog but if I keep sitting here being maudlin everyone else will be like 'yeah this blog sucks let's go' and although it is my personal outlet for whatever I'm thinking I do rather like getting comments and visitors. Also, I would bore myself to death.

So, I love photography but I only have an instant camera and I can't stand those things for taking photographs. It's a very nice instant camera but nothing in the world will turn it into a digital SLR capable of changing lenses on a whim. Well except a pile of cash which y'all may have noticed I don't have. And other than photography nothing except maybe a pottery class really appeals to me. Tragically I can't afford that either.

I just don't know what to do with myself, I'm all full of nervous/antsy energy and I have no outlet for it. Can't even ride bicycles yet cause of the shoulders and that was always good for a couple of hours of exhausting yourself.

The problem with this kind of energy is that you have to harness it or it does whatever it likes and if you're me that means it sticks itself in your brain and starts to make really negative and shitty thought patterns and then I sort of spiral into maudlin depression. And I don't mean melancholy like my post the other day I mean full on depression. The thing with that is the cure for depression for me involves sun and exercise. However I'm doing as much exercise as I can bear right now (well my forearms anyway) and the other things I like are still out of my reach so I just can't figure out what to do with myself. Whatever it is it better distract my brain and fast.

It's fun having a great big brain except when you have nothing to feed it with... it's like hunger... when you're hungry your body starts to eat itself and hungry brains are a lot like that. They'll find some hanging flap and start tugging and tearing and just generally causing mayhem until you can't turn it off. The nice thing about being in my thirties is that I can see the signs and I know a lot of the ways around the mental quagmire but that doesn't make it easy and currently my methods aren't working.

Need some brain food, just can't think of what the brain is hungry for.

suggestions are, of course, welcome.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

totalling the wood pile

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I totalled the wood pile today. So my sister has lots of wood for the next few months and I got to toss some of my mental crap at some wood. It was very satisfying. Also othercat took a picture of me wielding a sledgehammer and just for dzer here it is:



I'm actually contemplating sticking that one in my okcupid profile...

There are piles of great pictures from today. Othercat, FL and I went up to see la lovely sister of mine and they hung out and took pictures and I chopped the wood pile. Yes, the entire rest of the woodpile. Yes, in one day. [fyi yes, i'm speaking specifically to the people who know how much wood was left last week]. The wood on the left and near right of where i'm working is split already and then up to the farther right is the stuff left [and some has been stacked at this point]. Good me did the hardest crap the first time.

Here's one where i'm irked cause the sledge didn't hit the wedge properly and the wood i'm working on went off the 'table' and so I have to pick up that motherfucking heavy crap again:



These are my tools:


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After I finished the wood pile and incidentally broke the auld axe handle trying to get a stubborn fork knot to split (hammering a stump that's attached to an axe into another stump is an excellent way to break an old axe handle when the knot is extra stubborn) on the LAST FUCKING log of the day we all went for a drive to Eugenia Falls and then the Epping swamp. [aka the alligator crossing...]

I plan to post pictures of that as well but I think three 2MB pictures in one post is enough. Well okay, one more before bed:



Isn't Eugenia Falls lovely?

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Thanks to dzer for photo shrinking for me... y'all should thank him too, this post used to load 8mb of photos!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

double dessert night

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sorry boys... but this is for bubbles and t-love and buttah and viv and...


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Well I had some excellent pizza and a moccachino this evening. I think the pumpkin pie was the best part. Came home and TnA plied me with chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Double dessert night mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I don't feel guilty about my overindulgence due to my small lunch and wood chopping tomorrow. Wonder if I'll be up for climbing on sunday. No whoop if I can't, there's always monday afternoon with hubris. Wednesday is getting to be pretty regular because tuesdays are too busy and thursdays i jam and sometimes sunday is regular but that one goes in shifts.

Thig is this guy wants to offer me teaching on the weekends and I'm a bit wary because Saturday is currently my only day off and it's about to get occupied. This rather bites because days off are pretty important. I think I need teaching more than I need days off but it's going to be hard.
.

So really, what is it with guys lying about their height on dating sites and then going after tall women? I have to say that this makes really no sense to me at all. I'm 5'11" ... it says 5'11" ON MY PROFILE. Have you ever met a woman that claimed to be 5'11" that was really 5'9"? ME NEITHER! Not once in my life.

Please explain what makes people think they'll get away with it? 6'1 is not shorter than 5'11" I'm sorry to tell y'all. Sheesh it's just silly.

I don't need a guy that's taller than me but it would be nice if he didn't feel the need to lie about it like I wouldn't notice.

I'm starting to think I should lower my standards. But that makes me want to hurl so I'm thinking being alone is better than that. It's not that I'm particularly requiring of things. I mean some level of brain and social/self awareness is of course necessary. A little bit of spine and some funny and active and maybe a dash of musical/artistic talent/love would be good but really, I'm not holding out for a movie star or something. I don't need a guy that climbs walls like butter (mmm that hot climber guy from my gym i climbed with once would be nice to hang with again though since he was really nice...) or has muscles that ripple when he breathes or the artistic talents of michealangelo or the genius of stephen hawking or a hot car or lots of money or the sexy accent or an unlimited supply of pot or a nice ass or height or gorgeous looks or a boat to take me around the world or dry witty humour or imagination. Wait, yes, I do need the imagination.

Some sense of adventure is also necessary... I like trying shit and running off places.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm not holding our for a hero or anything, just someone that suits me [and dare i hope... challenges me?]. What I guess I'm not hearing is all the friends that tell me how unique I am. Maybe I want to be a less unique snowflake.

Man... is that something to want?

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ponder
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no, no it really isn't. this may be the first time ever my blog has had the same theme for days though. I think that I know a lot of people who after that moment of pondering would have to admit to themselves that yes, yes it is.

I think I know people who have made that decision. To become less than themselves in order to make it easier to find someone to be with. To let parts of themselves die off in order to wend themselves around another tree.

To some extent that's what happens to us as we grow anyway. My footbag branch fell off a while ago as did my romance novel and race car building branches. But those branches were meant to fall off. I stopped feeding them and they died down to stumps and fell off unwanted. It's just that the people I know that become less don't do the same thing.

It's like they try to stop parts of themselves from growing. Like they try to grow away from the sun or something in search of someone else who is denying themselves. Inevitably their stifled parts wake up and there's hell to pay but I see folks try.

I don't understand. If you can't be yourself with your partner than what the fuck is the point? I understand compromise and learning to get along and maybe going climbing on sunday instead of friday cause someone would rather take me out to dinner... but I don't understand just putting parts of yourself away and pretending they don't exist.

Choosing to give something up for something else isn't the same. As every father who has quit smoking when their wife got pregnant or gave birth knows. Not eating meat at home because your partner is a vegetarian? Not a problem. It's the other thing. That chucking of things you love to make your partner love you.

How is that love when you pretend to not be yourself? When you give up the things that make you happy to satisfy someone else. Suddenly I'm ranting about direwolf. That guy was so jealous of any fun that I had that he wasn't at. Also of every man I was friends with. Shit was fucked up. I know so many women who would give up their friends and their activities to satisfy that jealousy. I told the guy that *expected* me to cheat on him because he couldn't love himself enough that I couldn't take it and I left.

Some people would call that giving up too easily. They would say that I should have worked with him. I don't get that, you can't change people and you definetely can't make compromise with people who don't believe they're worthy of love. They can't hear you.
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Okay... snowflake on my lovelies :)

Friday, September 23, 2005

happy thoughts

. i spent 4.5 hours at the climbing gym yesterday and i'm only a little sore today. [it's true i was doing routes the last hour and a half and the last hour of bouldering was lazy but whatfuckingever]

. my cats are healthy

. camping was blissful

. i climbed outside

. i climbed 4 days out of 5 [and yes now i'm taking days off until sunday]

. i get to chop wood on saturday AND see my sister

. i have a date tomorrow

. it rained today and suited my melancholy perfectly

. i like melancholy on occasion

. i realised that there's no reason i can't follow two tracks at once [ie date someone and proceed with my own life plan... weird huh?]

. harriet really is the kitten's name

. i met a nice man for belaying at the gym

. yes of course he's gay

. gas is going up

. look i'm poor and i can't afford it and it will hit me harder than most folks i know when commodity prices rise but it's good for the planet

. i don't have to move even though i am no longer the super here

. i forgot i have 80 bucks to deposit from a lovely community centre

. bodyworlds is coming in like a week!

. i can pay my rent this month!

. hallowe'en is coming!

. hmmmmmmm hallowe'en costume *ponder*

. there are new questions i haven't done yet on okcupid [most of them are sorta lame so far]

. I HAD TO TIGHTEN MY HARNESS!!!

. legs AND hips
(climbing harnesses fit at the hipbones and at the top of the thighs... women LIKE shrinking there)

. it was actually a decent amount of tightening too!

. i'm sleepy

. these days i actually SLEEP some nights

. i have my health

. i have my xavier rudd cd back

. i had a fantastic summer

. my pre accident not huge bras are fitting again! [you know, the cute ones with skinny straps and funky colours!]

. really that last one is fucking awesome

. i have three classes tomorrow and none of them are subs!

. hee harness tightening!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

get over yourself sass

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and then i read this... and my post from this morning just seems so silly and lame.

being yourself

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A friend of mine wrote a rant about online dating that is quite topical to my current musings so I'm taking the end of it and expanding. The original post is here.

friend said:
I have been told in the past that it is my brain that is my greatest asset and my brain that is my most potent enemy. At least right now that seems to be the case. None the less, I will not dumb down my profile. I will not pretend to be someone other than myself and for the love of God, I will not make people laugh. Yeah, I gots chore honesty right heah. Deal wid it.

Here's the part I'm interested in. I will not pretend to be someone other than myself... funny that my sister and I were talking about this just last night and then I read that post. She said that when she was younger she would sort of turn herself into what men wanted with her speech, movement, hair style or clothing and that since she has started being herself instead she gets much, much less interest. And I noticed instantly that she's right.

The more myself I become in social and dating situations the less interest I generate. Plus I've always had this awesome skill of making friends out of men that I find attractive... which gets me a lot of nice men to hang out with but doesn't help my love life in the slightest. That said, a friend of mine recently became smitten with me and I asked him at one point how long he had known me before he fell for me. A year.

A motherfucking year.

So what I have to meet a guy, get to know him, hang out for a year, let my lovely soul and sweet compassionate nature show and then hope he gets into me after a year? Who the fuck has that kind of time?? Not to mention energy and willpower. Besides, chances are if I'm into you now I may well have moved on a year from now. Sure if I'm still single and you ask me out I'll probably go but the smitten kitten will likely be smitten with or dating someone new.

Hrm, doesn't seem to really be an issue on the dating thing actually what with my awesome recent dating history. Two dates in two years and they were a week apart! Do have one friday though so i'm up to three now. So yeah, chances are if i met someone tomorrow and had to wait a year for them to notice me I would probably still be single when he did.

People have suggested that I ask men out myself and do know that while I am not opposed to that I sort of believe that if a guy isn't into you enough to ask you out then he's probably not going to be into you enough to take you seriously for dating. Maybe this is my 50's mother speaking but it's how i feel.

I didn't used to care about this so much you know, but now I'm staring the scary statistics age in the face with no partner and no real way to support myself and a kid if I do decide to do it alone. See at 35 all sorts of scary statistics show up... odds of miscarriage go way up, odds of birth defects go way up, odds of down's syndrome double... bad odds get bigger and scarier. Which basically means that if I want to have a kid I either have to do it with my gay friend or alone and that even if I get together with someone I don't really have time to wait until I decide if they're like 'the one' or whatever. [see comments from jones for my opinion on the 'one']

I HATE these options. Hate them. A fucking lot. Neither of them are any good. Don't misunderstand, being a single mother doesn't particularly perturb me because I have a really good group of friends both male and female, gay and straight who would make fantastic role models for a child. However, my parents live in Italy, my sister doesn't live in town and I don't make very much money. Not to mention that I'm lonely. So somehow I'm supposed to figure out a way to fund at least 8 months off AND pay for some sperm (because if you're going to do it alone you should just do it alone and not even know the dad) in a year.

In a year???

And here I sit just below the poverty line. I'm really not liking my options. I suppose I could give up having a child and just be footloose and fancy free for the rest of my life but that doesn't particularly appeal to me. I suppose I could foster a kid and hope to be allowed to adopt him or her. I just don't really want to do that. I didn't know this five years ago but I actually want to have a child of my own. And I seem to want it pretty badly. Weird.

What makes this funny is that even though I'm actively looking for someone to date it's almost worse if I find someone than if I don't... because then there's the dreaded compromising with yourself of doom.

'well maybe i'll give it one more year just to see if this works out with him'
'i could wait a bit longer...'
'hrm...'

and suddenly I'm 36 years old and staring the same bad options in the face but with my risk factors doubled.

Interestingly I don't think that having a kid around would particularly effect my dating life. Considering that I'm in my thirties I figure my odds of meeting a guy with a kid are as good as my odds of meeting one without... and I'm thinking anyone into dating women in their thirties [what is UP with the 21 year olds messaging me on okcupid??] is half expecting them to have a kid as well. So moot point I suspect.

Wow, if you'd asked me 5 years ago I never would have believed I'd be in these shoes. Care to take a walk in them? [with them?]

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

jones

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yeah, i wanted to hit the gym today and i knew i shouldn't do it 4 days in a row but i still really wanted to... and then i noticed just how angry my pecs were during my evening class and i decided that that might maybe sort of kind of possibly not be wise. i was supposed to do routes with hubris tomorrow but he bailed in favour of some cleaning gig for some othercat guy so i guess i can't get too upset about that. still i was really looking forward to it.

in fact i want to do routes so badly that i even messaged climber guy to see if he wanted to go but he didn't answer. can't really be surprised considering how that scenario went down. dammit it's hard to find belay slaves in this town. easy as pie to find bouldering company. don't misunderstand, i'm fully into the bouldering but i need to do routes for endurance and laps and cross training and bouldering is HARD and routes are less hard and my body is tired and. dammit.
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i have another okcupid date coming up. this one also writes awesome emails which is sort of turning out to be a requirement with me. i'm rather looking forward to it really ... even if there turns out to be no chemistry it's nice to spend a day/evening with a man and get a little flirty and the like. besides, if nothing else i'll make a new friend.
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i was walking in the woods this weekend at some point and i was just blissed out and listening to the forest and the music of xavier rudd came into my mind and just started playing along with the beautiful sounds of nature. i knew the guy was brilliant but i think he might be even more dialed into the universe than I thought he was.

it was really interesting. this song came into my mind and was somehow the perfect accompaniment to the music i was hearing in the woods, even the silences were at the right moments. i have come to the conclusion that mister rudd must spend an awful lot of time outside and suddenly the quiet and peaceful beauty of his music makes much more sense to me. not to mention the air of melancholy.
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got a new class today. well at least i get to come back and teach it next week. just need about five more and i'm above the poverty line. good news is that assuming one more iffy class actually sells i can pay my bills, my car insurance, my rent AND eat all in the same month. weird i know.
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this appears to be a catchall post today.
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uh stoned.nerd what the fuck is up with your blog? if you just disappear i'll i'll... damnit. there is NOTHING i can do to you you're in fucking singapore! if you start an anonymous blog somewhere will you tell me where it is at least?
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it's a funny time right now. half of my friends' relationships are ending and the other half are looking for dates. no one really has any freaking idea what sort of advice to give anyone else because of it. what's even weirder is that i haven't been sad about a single breakup that i've heard about. i'm sad FOR the friend that is having a hard time but happy about the split because i thought the relationship was just nasty.

that's a really odd position to be in because you want to be supportive of your friend but you also sort of want to dance for joy. i don't think i'm properly caring for the friends that are in these situations.
how do you properly support your friends and be honest with them at the same time?
how do you tell someone that you couldn't stand their partner but you still feel bad for their pain?
how do you discuss your negative feelings toward their mate and still make them feel welcome to discuss how much they miss them?
how do you be a good friend?

how do you even KNOW what a good friend is?

funnily enough this comes back to something my sister and I have discussed. she was wondering how to reinterpret the modern world when it comes to male/female relationships. often these days you meet men that become your friends. chances are that if they're your friends you think they're awesome. sometimes you therefore needs must fall for said friends or at least find them sexually attractive.

so she was wondering how you're supposed to tell the difference. how do you know when you're attracted to a man because you think he's awesome and would make a great soul brother? (othercat is one of mine) conversely how do you know when that person you're assuming is a soul brother could or would be something more?

how do you know when your fascination with someone is simply that? a fascination and nothing more?

sometimes i'll get crushes on people but when i'll try to picture having sex with them it will sort of do that fade to black thing and i just can't make a mental image. that makes it pretty clear that this is not someone i want to boink and thus puts them firmly in the not into them category. this doesn't always instantly alleviate the crush either... but it tends to temper it with reality

it's the other times. when you meet someone and you think they're fucking awesome and you want to hang out with them and talk to them constantly and generally learn everything about them. if you're feeling that but there's no real desire for boinking then you still know. but what if you DO want to boink them?

what if you think they're hot, you feel like fucking, you like their brain and yet. still there's that wonder. is this really someone i could date or just someone who will make a wonderful lifelong friend? and if i DO date them or approach them about dating them will i lose them as friends?

and then, is it WORTH risking the lifelong friend for the shag? for the short relationship? for the long relationship? for a lifetime?

how do you know?


----------------------
oh my christ it published with errors and i thought i lost the whole post after xavier rudd... fortunately it remembered the post, it just didn't publish it first! That would have sucked.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

whee

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(for the record the link is out of date, there is no longer oodles of camping at metcalfe rock, in fact you aren't allowed to camp there and should find somewhere that is else to tent. No I'm not telling you where I camped, too many yahoos trashing the place as it is.)

In case you missed it oh readers of my blog I went camping this weekend. Now since about half the people that read and comment on my blog were WITH me camping there really wasn't much missing me to be done. Most of the folks that would have missed me blogging were with me and got to listen to my rambling first hand.

Which of course means that there were several conversations that went like 'so the other day this thing happened...' ... "oh yeah, i read about that in your blog" ... *silence*

The good news is that since I spent the majority of the weekend playing with rocks with hubris and light strikes a deal there were other things to talk about. It went sort of like this 'yeah that looks good and pinchy' "left foot up" 'move your right hand' "i gotcha" 'nice!'

not the most enlightening or scintillating conversation it's true but very useful when you're stuck to a rock face going 'where the fuck do i put my fucking foot???'

i learned a couple of new climbing things, one is that when you're working a move and you're feeling really uncertain it can feel REALLY fucking good when someone just kinda lays their hand on your waist or your back or the edge of your hip or wherever it is that's feeling particularly vulnerable. Not a push. Not like when your belayer pulls you up the wall, just a sort of 'i got you' touch that makes your body feel safe enough to try something. it's freaking cool.

i have also discovered that real rocks and fake rocks are very motherfucking different and that climbers have got to be the most boring people to be around. Get up, eat, go boulder, eat, talk about bouldering, play poker, sleep, get up, eat, go visit some caves, go boulder, eat, talk about bouldering and caving, sleep. Like for serious I'm not sure I would want to hang out with us!

That said, I have also learned that climbing builds great asses and backs. Yummy.

*clears throat*

So light showed up at like 1am on thursday which necessitated talking until 4:30am before passing out for like 3 hours and then getting up to teach. I don't know who's the bigger sucker, me for teaching two classes on 3 hours of sleep or him for taking them! Headed north singing along to my mixed tapes at the tops of our lungs and landed wet and soggy in a campsite.

I'm telling you i don't think I've seen two people set up two tents faster in my life. We had our tents up, flys on and doors shut in under five minutes. BOTH tents. It rained all day. I just kept looking at the sky and going 'scattered showers motherfucker, this looks pretty organized to me!'

In dribs and drabs and a lot of damp the rest of the friday night crew pulled up until it was hubris, lividviv, light, othercat and tna. tna needs to pick a nick a lot. So we ate and we polished off a bottle of whisky and had a really good time sitting under a tarp under a tree. This is funny because it took us like two hours to notice that it had stopped raining as a result and at that point we were all pretty hammered and just passed out.

[pause to admire othercat's pictures. what you can see them too, go read his blog]

After that the weekend just improved. svdw and e&lm showed up on saturday morning as we were finishing off our breakfast and then after a snooze in the sun with my sister the boys and i headed off to play on some rocks. [Read: walked for at least an hour]

It took a while to get into it. light and hubris like jumped right on and played but it all seemed sort of impossible and crimpy and weird to me and it took me pretty much all day to start to really dig it. Which meant that the next day after we hit the underground stream and the guys are like 'i don't know, let's go back' i was like 'no, no, more bouldering! more!'

Which we did. It was much better the second day. I sort of got my rhythm and lost the fear of the rock. The first day I would only do really easy things and I wimped out really fast. In fact it didn't really improve until the very end when i found a problem to work for a while. I would like get on the wall, feel around for a while and find no holds that I liked and then fall off cause my other arm got tired. By the second day I had learned that what looks the least like a hold is the most likely thing to actually hold you. In nature jugs are just giant things that slope and hold nothing... in other words, there are very few jugs out there in real rock land.

Yeah counterintuitive and strange. Still cool.

All in all it was a really fantastic weekend. The weather was great, i didn't run out of weed, i didn't fall out of my pants while caving [much bigger chance of that than I ever imagined], the company was congenial and I don't seem to have lost any of my stuff. I may have forgotten to rhapsodize about the food though and damm it was worth rhapsodizing about. When othercat camps the eating is freaking divine.

I'm sorry I don't have any exciting tales to tell. My pants tried to fall off. I got covered in bruises while caving. Light wandered around with his shirt off. hubris and tna told a lot of ribald jokes, othercat and svdw ignored our disgusting ways *snerk*, i hardly saw e&lm and lividviv was her usual marvelous self. No one got laid. No one got punched. No one killed anyone for a cigarette although they came close since they ran out on saturday night. No clothing was ripped. No one fell in the fire. No tents got toppled. No one lost an eyebrow or was caused to pee by having a hand dropped in warm water. No one got so drunk they embarassed themselves [or did i? :)]

I had all sorts of thoughts caused by this weekend that I wanted to blog about but they're sort of gone and must need to percolate a little more before they're willing to come out.

The only difficulty of the whole weekend was trying to teach today. Damm that shit is HARD when you're exhausted and burnt out. So of course, I went bouldering after work.

Friday, September 16, 2005

see you monday suckers!

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basically i'm just killing time right now. at some point light strikes a deal will arrive and i will take off to hang out with a real human. in the morning i go teach and then off we go to meet up with 6 of our friends and camp on some crown land. incidentally some outside bouldering for the first time since i was a kid [or since i knew climbing was a sport?]

i think most of you are aware that i am about to do this becuase i've been talking about it for like days on end. funnily enough we're all this stoked about it. in fact every one of us is bouncing off the walls with glee. AND two more band members are coming so i'm bringing my drum!

so in an effort to settle myself down i went to band practise and sang at the top of my lungs. it required less beer this time. and then i packed my shit and now i'm listening to my recently reunited with me good spirit cd by xavier rudd and blogging.

this may be the nicest part of the evening since i arrived home. there's this great didjeridoo running through my abdomen and i'm just vibrating with it. i love these things, i'm going to have to learn to play one becaue they are seriously the most hauntingly beautiful instruments. not to mention powerful as hell.

on the saturday nearest the solstice when i go to the big beat they will dance us for a while to a jazz band and then to a drum circle and then they will have everyone lay down and a bunch of volunteer musicians will run around with ocean drums, crystal bowls, bells, shakers, soprano saxophones, flutes, instruments i don't recall or know the names of and didjeridoos and play them on you. you're lying there with your eyes closed and some guy sticks the end of his didjeridoo like 6 inches off your chest and plays it.

oh you could just vibrate onto a higher plane right there. i don't know how gd the organizer of all this stuff came up with that idea but it's wonderful. i've had a djembe played over my abdomen before and that should only be done by someone you're going to make mad crazy love to directly afterward. (really!)

the didj though, it has a magical property. not to mention that a didj played well will cause me to trance dance better than any drugs i've ever done. i can just close my eyes and flow. i think that's why i liked xavier rudd so much, he takes that to another level.
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see you monday, company!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

...

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i had another great interview today. tragically they are sort of in limbo until the end of the month when they see what they can afford but he definetely wants to bring me on for a class in october. he made comments about hoping i still had availability then so there seems to be some implication of good possibilities for picking up classes. now i just have to get off my ass and GET MORE CLASSES!
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*clears throat*

i almost forgot to write in my blog tonight because I've been making another mixed tape for the car. the other new tape is great but i'm already wanting something to swap it with. the nice thing is that i didn't have to repeat much to get a pretty damm cool tape. That's sort of good and bad, it means that I had a lot of music to choose from (props to the neighbours for some great additions) but it also means i haven't made a mix in forfuckingever.

sometimes i'll listen to the really old ones and laugh my head off at my musical choices. funny how young my taste in music was. i wonder if i'll say that when i'm 50 about the mixes i make now? I have to confess I'll be sad when I don't get to make mixes anymore. It's like modern technology has taken away something that used to be really cool. I love to mix songs into a crazy and illogical weaving and then enjoy the weave for ages in my car.

It just won't be the same with an ipod or a shuffle or whatever the toy du jour is.
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So yeah, bouldering outside. not stoked at all nope nope. not stoked about camping with several of my favourite people either. not stoked about drinking irish whiskey in the bush or eating fantastic bush food. of course super stoked about shitting in the woods!
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damm these sheva guys are amazing.

so have nothing to say. interestingly the man who interviewed me today was almost as attractive as the one who interviewed me yesterday. more real in some way. i think because he comes from a more similar place to me so it's easier to understand. he used to sell mutual funds or something and work in an office.

it's funny cause he has that office worker body builder look a little. Sort of still has shoulders that are rounded forward a little but they're nonetheless all muscley. it was neat anyway. i won't explain because none of you are body workers and i don't envy anyone listening to be rap anatomy and movement.

well unless you're in the biz and then it's probably interesting.

must sleep :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

hope

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i used to title my posts before i started them but now i do it when i see what the theme will turn out to be. i'm feeling pretty monosyllabic right now. the record in my head goes camping! camping! climbing! camping! pilates! camping! got fired :( climbing! pilates! camping! climbing! whisky and camping!

also i met one of those men today. the ones where you see for a second that wonderful men really do exist. Now because the universe is the universe i am simply going to assume that he has a wife and two beautiful children. Or he lives like 67 hours away. Or he is actually a cocaine addict. Or he's just not that into me. Or *insert reason sass doesn't get this man here*.

but wow you guys, this man was beautiful. And I think he was even more beautiful in his heart than he was on the outside. There was this light in his eyes that must come from being just that chilled. he speaks slowly and with grace. he thinks when he talks and he speaks movement with the same words i do and it was really inspiring to speak with him.

he would talk about teaching and put his hand on his heart to indicate the way things had touched him while being open and forthright about fairly deep thoughts and feelings he has for his business and his own teaching. A couple of times when I told him something he said 'thank you for telling me that' as though I had given him something profound to muse upon.

oh boys and girls if i didn't know better i'd be smitten. fortunately i know better. also i get to teach at his lovely space and having a crush on your boss is just FOOLISH!

Foolish I tell you.

But that's not really the point, the point is that once in a very great while you meet a member of the sex you're attracted to who reminds you of what wonderful possibilities are inherent in humanity and it gives you hope. So that the next time some guy asks you on a date and you're sorta going hrm you actually go. You take a little chance.

I think of them as the give me hope men. The few nice men that I know, married or single or whatever who just by existing give me hope. They remind me that there are wonderful men out there that I can love and that I don't actually have to change myself to do it.

My mother told me once that I had to change my personality to get a man. Well what she actually said was that I should be less challenging or whatever when initially meeting a man and that i should change how I acted... and I was like 'but that would be lying, I would then be pretending to be something that I'm not' and she basically said i shouldn't pretend, I should really change.

I don't get that.

Why do I have to be someone else to partner up? What in hell is wrong with me just the way I am? Am I not my own perfect and unique and beautiful snowflake? Isn't there supposed to be a beautiful snowflake for everyone? Isn't that the point?

Don't misunderstand. I'm perfectly willing to COMPROMISE, but I'm not willing to be less snarky or less sarcastic or less intelligent or whatever.

I used to have several nice men in my little hope stable and eventually they all did things that really turned me off them. It's hard to think of someone as a nice guy when he's staring at you over his girlfriends shoulder and feeling up your ass when you walk by him. It sort of cures you of the whole 'nice guy' mentality.

So it's nice to add a new one.

even if i can't have him. [for the record i am completely open to the possibility that i can have him, but noone like that is my age and single... no one, and he's my age. it sort of clarifies why my grandmother at my age snagged a man in his twenties!]

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Yeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

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*dance of joy*

*dance of joy*

*more dancing*

*more joy*

so hubris and i went climbing and i made him do routes. Holy crap are my forearms tired. I was right to make him do it for a couple of reasons though. One is that my shoulder is pretty bitched. I must have done something recently to exacerbate it but i have no idea what. I think it could just be that it's really weak and i'm pushing it really hard and it needs some nurture.

see this is where a nice man with a bottle of wine and great hands goes 'i'll rub your back.'

anyway, we did routes. and i FLASHED a 5.9 that I never even SAW before. Like flashed it. Did have to climb down one move and reposition and keep going but it wasn't a fall. I was totally in control of what was happening... i just needed to change where everything was. Anyway not the point.

Last time I did routes I was falling off all but one of the 5.8s (which is now my warmup wall) and now I'm up a grade. best part? SO IS HUBRIS! [sorry dude, were you gonna blog that one yourself?]

Still I'm concerned about this shoulder. It doesn't feel weak at all when I'm working with it but it has this nasty crunching thing and sore muscles everywhere. Tragically I'm really way more lame than you think because I've been told TWICE by my friend the hot doctor who is also a rehabilitation specialist what I should do about it. Twice.

Yeah I'm lame.

Also the figure out time is a lot shorter than it was. Like last time I did routes I'd try a move and fall and try and fall and just sort of run out of ideas. I'd be sure there was something possible but I had no idea what it was. Today I was like try x, okay try y, okay try z... hey that worked!

As othercat would say my catalog of cliches is growing.

I knew bouldering paid huge dividends but I'd never just bouldered before. I always did it and routes or mostly routes and bouldering when my partner screwed off with 'that cute girl'. This time because hubris hasn't got a harness I've been sort of forced to boulder except when someone else wants to do routes.

Don't misunderstand, I love bouldering... but I also love routes so I usually do a mix. Except this time. But today, I didn't boulder at all (except a 10 feet short of two laps traverse) and then we did top roping and I rocked the gym.

I even tried the starts of a couple of 5.10-

So yeah a few weeks of bouldering and hubris and i both went up a grade/grade and a half.

that shit is awesome.
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I have a job interview tomorrow and another one on wednesday for teaching. Today I taught two new classes. All in all an eventful couple of days.

Also, CAMPING this weekend with great folks! Damm I'm stoked. I'm so lucky to live my life... poverty and all!

Monday, September 12, 2005

shh i might mention dating

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My hands are enough better that I'm going to go climbing tomorrow. I am forcing hubris to rent a harness so we can do routes because I'm still just too tired to do any bouldering. It's more that I have this weak thumb thing going back for a long time and I exacerbated it last week with chopping wood and bouldering on the same day.

yeah that was kinda dumb.

what, i said it was dumb??
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hubris i shall kill you. you stole my lighter. and i can't find another one.
fuck.
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okay onward. so i seem to have done it again. there are two different men on okcupid who are emailing me and they're both pretty interesting. Both of them are actually in their THIRTIES [seriously why is a 21 year old messaging me?] with brains and addictions to books. This freaking matching thingy isn't so bad. They're both in the 70s which is not as high as some but makes it interesting. I think sometimes when the match is too good it's almost weird and sibling like or something. at least that's what i see when i look at a bunch of my high match profiles. that and most of my matches in the 80s are my FRIENDS! [course scaredbunny is right both ways about several of my straight male friends :)]

one of the new okcupid men is even into bodywork which is pretty neat. shut up murph it's not about sex :P [and it's more meditation and spiritual anyway]

the original okcupid guy continues to write excellent emails but he doesn't seem particularly in a hurry to have a second date and although I know he's very busy that speaks volumes to me. Either I've somehow sent a 'hmmm not so much' message or he's sending one that I'm catching or we both are. That said, I really really really hope for friendship on that front because he seems like a most excellent man to hang out with.

So these two guys started emailing me within a day or two of each other and i'm (so embarassed) totally mixing them up when I write them email. I'll forget to whom i said what and who said what to me and i forget who i asked what.

hopefully they'll just think i'm scatterbrained.

but how do i keep doing this pairing thing? it's like i'm on elimidate only on okcupid. what's wrong with one at a time? heck i think that right this minute i can think of something like 4 men that i know, that are available that i would happily date. This is unheard of. If I meet four total in a year i'm amazed.

apparently in kundalini yoga there's a thing where you have to ask the Universe for what you need and then you will get it. and right when i asked okcupid guy out i felt like some big shift happened around me... it's like i have rendered myself visible to the opposite sex again.

[in fact the same thing seems to be happening with pilates since i got canned... i hope :)]

even better? when i'm out in public i'm one of the girls that the *other* girls check out. *delighted giggle*. Chicks only check out the women that they are concerned about. Often they dismiss them as 'no competition' and sometimes they think 'fair fight' and sometimes they give the little 'you bitch you have biceps AND tits' look. But I haven't been on another woman's 'threat radar' for years and I'm on it again. I really noticed this on that cruise i went on the other night.

The men were looking at me and not going "ew" which is also a nice change but they'll really do that with anything who has boobs that stick out past her stomach and i was wearing a tight shirt... but the women. the women are assessing me again.

Is it wrong to be delighted by this?

It feels conceited and egotistical and wrong. And yet I worked my ASS off to get to this point [hee literally and figuratively] and now i'm reaping the rewards for my own hard work. Yeah I still eat more than I should but that too is fading and i'm really not worried. So I exercise constantly and it's starting to show and that makes me really happy.

So then i think 'but you're supposed to exercise to feel better and not to look better' and i totally do that. but damn the looking better is sure a nice bonus.

It's like climbing, I don't do it for the eye candy. But it sure doesn't hurt!
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Be jealous, I get to go camping on friday!
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I have learned something hilarious. *I* have a copy of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. Yeah. Hubris' video games live here cause his PS2 died. So this game I wanted and posted about like a month ago? Yeah, here the whole time.

Also notice my thumb is worse which may indicate the location of the original thumb problem. Crap I love video games though.

Still how funny is it that I had the game? i hadn't even GLANCED at hubris' collection, just whined about wanting the game.
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Ahhh Universe you're funny sometimes!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

some people

.
seriously.

this is an email conversation i just had with a man i knew through my ex boyfriend, never liked, and haven't voluntarily spoken with in like 2 years. Not to mention that I have NEVER replied to his email except once when I asked him to stop sending me his 'thought provoking' discussion crap:

On Thu, 8 Sep 2005, rexx wrote:
> Guess what everybody???? M*** is turning 36!!
>
> When? - Saturday September 10 -- his actual birthday.
>
> Where? - As always - Dance Cave!
> http://www.toronto.com/map?mode=geo&id=149339&lat=436653&lon=-794094
>
> Who? - EVERYBODY - forward this to your friends.
>
> What to Bring? - Your friends and money.
>
> What time? - 10 pm til whenever.
>
> If somebody wants to gather for dinner before, please email us. Perhaps
> Korean food? Just a thought.

So my reply and his to mine are [and yeah haven't cared to be at the Dance Cave since I was UNDERAGE!]:

On Fri, 9 Sep 2005, rexx wrote:
> Sassinak wrote:
> >
> > please take me off this list... thank you
> >
> Don't worry. You're off *the list*.
>
> You won't be invited to anything ever again.
>
> And given the personal treatment you recieved at each e-mail I have just
> this to say :
>
> fucking moron.


I'm sorry did I at some point ASK you to email me? Did I imply we were friends? So I finished off with:

"for every finger pointing at me there are three pointing back at you
thank you for making this easier"

Never fear, I had thought of ALL sorts of nasty things to say but this one is so much more depth charged. How am *I* the moron here? I was polite, it's the second time I've asked him to cease and desist and still I am somehow a moron.

It's just baffling to me how I am somehow obligated to want your email even if I have never ever implied that I cared to receive it. How on earth is this my fault? It's like those people who get offended when you say with as much respect as possible:

"please stop forwarding me windows media movies [insert any weird windows file type here] as my operating system is unable to see them"

or

"thank you for sending me things you consider funny but I have been on the net for 13 or so years now and I have seen the hawaiian good luck penis about 100 times. Please don't send me any more forwards"

or

"please don't include me in your CC list when you forward emails as I try to keep my domain name pretty quiet to alleviate spam. BCC is fine but otherwise I choose whom I share my email address with."

And somehow, by some strange alchemy *I* am being insulting, inconsiderate and rejecting their friendship. And yet they haven't sent me actual communication in years, the act of forwarding me a useless email with about 17 pages of headers to scroll through before I get to the one line joke (or better yet they forwarded the headers but not the text) is somehow a way to keep a friendship alive and I have rejected it.

I don't get it. I call my friends. I email them. I answer their emails. We comment on each other's blogs. We don't forward each other 17 pages of headers to say 'i care'. We actually *communicate*.

And yet somehow I'm the bad friend.

*shaking head*

i just don't get some people.

[and yes, i did write this post yesterday :)]
.

wow. it's september 11th. i never know what to feel or do today. am i supposed to
sit at home and be sad?
go party in defiance of the evildoers?
find somewhere to lay flowers?
give money?
find a parade?
volunteer?

what?

yeah... how do you know what to do on a day that will be remembered for a long time and yet seems so long ago and yet so close. it's easy to know what to do on d-day NOW... but what about in 1948?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

i love toronto

.
damm i love this place.

i went on a boat cruise around the islands and in the harbour in lake ontario tonight. a friend of mine was having his end of volleyball season cruise and his whole team bailed on him so he asked me for dinner instead. so i sorta allowed him to take me on his volleyball cruise. anyway it was great.

first of all i hadn't taken a full cruise in forever and i'd sorta forgotten how beautiful it is. the waterfront of toronto is so pretty when it's all lit up in the evening with the sunset. and then the channel through the islands is all lush and green and gorgeous.

i know it's cheesy, but i don't give a shit, it was awesome.

what was more interesting was that I didn't know this large group of people that knew each other. most of the people there either knew each other or were heavily involved in dating rituals. so instead i spent a lot of time watching the social interaction. i did a little interacting myself but i wasn't really on if that makes any sense.

so by the end i was practically an anthropologist and these people had been drinking, some of them heavily and several of them were in the mood to get laid. i was way too sober for that kind of behaviour (although it doesn't particularly work when i drink either, unless i'm drinking something dangerous like red breast and forgetting to drink water. eep.

no really eep.

othercat and i did that on my 33rd and shit. we walked down the road a couple of clicks and back and i swear we went like 12km or so unintentionally. also there was some wandering around an old farm that my sister loves.

okay so.

these people were doing full on mating behaviour. i looked around and that's all i could see everywhere. men making the rounds and chatting chicks up, women responding or not. it was all very dancelike.

personally i thought the city skyline was the most interesting thing there. (well there was one man but he was fully into his date so i just admired him from afar.) [damm he was thoroughly delicious though {shoutout to tasha on the delicious there}]

in fact the delicious man and his date were full on kissing by the end of the night. it was really kind of cute actually. they were fully into each other you see.

eventually we ended up at a bar. so i danced to like three bad songs and sat down and encouraged my equally bored friend to go. he was grateful as he has to work in the morning.

[go read today's scaredbunny because that is some funny shit today. no go. i'll wait. hurry back]

where was I?

right so i'm looking around this strangely well lit room at these people who are drinking and not looking very happy and at the band who sort of well sucked. and everyone was trying really hard to have a good time and it just looked like preening birds that were also drunk and horny.

especially because the sparkly and or multicoloured breast baring top is in right now and that looks a lot like birds presenting *snicker*

i only wore a skin tight shirt ... apparently [so i was told] my lack of neckline caused me to be less interesting. that's pretty sad. i mean the shirt started out life as a glove after all.

cheers!

Friday, September 09, 2005

weirdness

.
hrm, i wonder if i've correctly spelled weird.

i can't spell that word, i have a weird mental block.

today has been a really strange day. I watched some tv (season finale of alias) and smoked pot and went to band practise... and mostly sat around and was sore. like really sore. it's weird to have my body hurt this much since it's been years since i hurt this way.

it's totally different than the pain i got used to before. this is sharper and more immediate and somehow both more and less annoying. more because my repaired body is being broken. less because it's broken from overuse. more because i am used to having it around and useful and it's lame and tired. less because i know it will be fine in a couple of days instead of a year....

that kind of crap.

also i'm in recovery. i was fully lost in an unhealthy mental pattern but i think i've let it go and started to move out of that and into a more healthy place. wishes us luck. i really dislike those thought patterns that just swirl around and around like a hurricane forms in the gulf. sometimes they dissipate and sometimes they make a giant mess. this time i think it's dissipating.

speaking of hurricanes... i'm not going to. i will say that this appears to be the first major coastal change caused in large part by mankind being stupid about their waterway maintenance and well, planetary maintenance. I wish i thought it would be the last.
.

i'm so exhausted, i wish i could sleep for like 9 hours tonight but i can't... i can, however, do that on friday night as long as i'm in bed by 2. that's a good sign for an evening.
.

you know, i'm too tired to post more, i had a pile of thoughts but they will have to wait until later.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

mixed up

.
i'm all mixed up right now.
- my parents left for italy today
- i got hired for two more classes
- i got fired from my superintendent gig (which has a strange element of relief)
- i chopped wood for two hours (which was VERY satisfying)
- i went climbing and discovered that i HAVE To take a few days off. No like have to

i'm not sure how i feel. i'm sorta sitting here staring at my computer and shaking my head. Seriously I just did that for like five minutes. I have some for pay classes that may or may not go and if they do I'll be okay. But if they don't? Damm. It's going to get hungry around here for a while.

so i've updated my resume and given myself until monday to get a decent cover letter together and start sending it out. i'm not up to rational letter writing for a day or two i don't think.

my parents just left. Like damm they're gone until next year now and suddenly they're really far away and i miss them already. i'm sure sis is missing them right now as well. i told them i was getting fired and they didn't believe me. that's okay, they seem to think it's all right if it happens too.

the thing is i was so fucking tired of my boss at the building. like tired to the point of wanting to hang up on her just so i wouldn't have to hear her voice anymore... but i'm still pissed. we had a 'talk' and three weeks later she said it was better and three weeks later i was fired. it's hard to care because i can't stand her and cleaning up garbage sucks ass and so does being tied to a building... but getting fired sucks.

it's so undignified.

it's also the kick in the ass my teaching career needs.

at least i don't have to move. I love my apartment a lot and it's cute and i'm happy here. i have decided to open myself up to the possibility of movement such that if the universe goes 'hey man come over here' i might just, but otherwise? I like this place and this neighbourhood.

on top of that my body is tired. and angry. and sore. and stiff. i need to just not do crap except the necessary until at least saturday and then maybe even sunday. i was sorta not wise to hit the gym today. i couldn't really do crap. i think i may have gone simply to rip a certain flap. Which has now ripped and can heal :)

i have all these bits that just won't do what i tell them to. things feel all stretchy and odd. i think it's tendons. also my fingers are hella weak. that may be from the axe and the sledgehammer this morning though.

god it was satisfying to hit things as hard as i could for a couple of hours. Chopping wood is such a therapeutic endeavour i can't even tell you. the only frustrating bit is when the wood is being cranky (and this whole fucking tree was cranky damm!) and you hit the shit out of it and the axe goes thump into the wood and stays. and stays.

and stays.

and you're hauling this (inevitably) heavy hunk of wood around and you're trying and trying to get the axe to let go of the wood (or vice versa) and not chop your fool legs off. it's probably really funny to watch but damm is it ever frustrating when you're in the middle of it.

still this is made up for by the sweet ease you feel when you hit it just right and the wood just breaks like it was meant to. the axe slides through the wood like it's greased and sometimes gets stuck in the chopping block. In fact I split one log by accident today when i was using it as a table and split it too. That may have been my record best ever axe swing though.

there's something so enjoyable about cutting wood. i just can't explain it. i've enjoyed it since i was like 6 years old and doing it with a hatchet. it was always the chore i was most likely to want to help with forever. even when i was a nasty teenager.

it's partly just watching your work pile up in front of you. it's partly the noise and the sweating. i mean i looked like i was standing in a lake i was sweating so much. it's for sure a little the visceral noise you get to make when you're swinging the axe. (letting the axe swing? hmm).

at one point i was all 'monica seles has nothing on me' and then like half an hour later my sister called me monica. if you've ever seen her play tennis this is funny to you. otherwise you have no idea what i'm referring to.

okay i'm sleeping.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

harriet

.
I think I may have named the kitten. She escaped twice yesterday (fully escaped, like outside escaped) so I was musing on her escape artist properties. Houdini just didn't seem right somehow and harry doesn't work cause she's a girl but check this. She COMES to harriet. (er yeah I mean comes over and sits beside me not uh has a catgasm)

Harriet. What an odd yet strangely suitable name. Ask me in a week and I'll let you know if it sticks.
.

My hands are pretty mad at me. I have been climbing three of four times a week for weeks now and while it's helping me make great strides at the gym it's not helping my hands at fucking all. I can count calluses that stick out and are shiny in like 6 places, broken skin in a couple more, rough skin in several others and one huge piece of separated skin with a tiny little hole in it.

I think I'm a little burned out. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going climbing tomorrow because I'm stupid but damm. There's little muscles in my upper body [seriously first i typed shouders and back and then i wanted to add abs and then i was like duh forearms and yeah...] all over the place that are just not speaking to me. They're feeling weak, overused and cranky.

Thing is I did a lot of that in Pilates class with the redhead this am. Seriously you guys the pilates studio i study at (note i said study and not teach) is any man's wet dream unless he likes them voluptuous. There's the blonde who reminds me of michelle pfeiffer if mp had looked that glowing in the last decade (better body i think too since she's been doing bodywork for 14 years). She can levitate I'm telling you.

Then there's the long and gangly brunette with crazy curly hair and the most striking and beautiful face. I think of her as a butterfly and she's a fantastic teacher. So is the blonde by the way. Add in the tiny redhead who is covered in lean muscles and freckles and is so competent it's nearly frightening. Infectious laugh to boot.

There is another teacher there but I hardly know her so it's hard to comment. Seems like she's good too, newer than the other three and now that she isn't all stressed out from training her face has softened and she's beautifulling up too. She's dark and dark and dark (hair/eyes/skin - olive not black) and totally different from the butterfly.

Seriously these women are fantastic and such good teachers with warm and loving souls and so much to give. I'm so lucky to study there.

That said, redhead was in the mood to torture our serratus and other breathing muscles. Along with shoulders. So yeah. I was climbing yesterday and helping my friend move all weekend... and then yeah. So I'm feeling puny.

Funnily enough there's only one thing that I know of that will help with this. Yeah, more exercise. Still and all I'd better be just a little careful, i can't really afford to traumatise my body again.
.

I've just made a mixed tape for my car (shut up, it's old) because the CBC is broken and i'm tired of all the ones i have AND i have to drive to and from the farm tomorrow. AND I PAID 75 DOLLARS FOR GAS!!! wow. that sucked.

and for those who wonder what's on it (hi sis!)

Groove Thing - September 05
A
let me be - xavier rudd
sleep to dream - fiona apple
big yellow taxi - joni mitchell
jumble jumble - white stripes
standing outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand - primitive radio gods
rainy day people - gordon lightfoot
come touch the sun - mo' horizons
au nom du pere et du fils et du set carre - swing
hard luck woman - garth brooks (yes it's a kiss song)
cachaito in laboratory - cachaito lopez
Uh no idea of the name but it has 'i hear music' a lot - blonde redhead
tears in africa - enya
buffy theme - aka minute of dead air

B
under the heat - pavlo
if you could read my mind - gordon lightfoot
bone machine - pixies
lightness - death cab for cutie
friends - white stripes
dub lion - DJ food
no woman no cry - xavier rudd
my favorite regret - gigolo aunts
la vie comme ca - swing
celebration guns - stars
i don't wanna grow up - tom waits
midnight dance - pavlo
son of a preacher man - dusty springfield
stray cat strut - stray cats (for the band :)

hopefully it will listen as well as it went together :)

Crap... no sleep again. Night kids!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

se7en

.
because he asked and i like tags.
.

Se7en things that (will) scare me
- being assaulted (nerd's sis is right on this one)
- losing my family members
- death or worse, total paralysis
- breaking someone's heart
- true love scares the shit out of me.. but i want it
- something i can't predict... but it's bad.
- getting married again. (can i strike out married and write divorced?)

Se7en things i like the most
- great food
- exercise... like pilates or climbing or swimming or skiing or boarding or ... :)
- hillside festival
- my friends and family
- did i mention food? because seriously... food. oh i know, family dinners.
- getting presents
- giving presents!

Se7en most important things in my [room] apartment
- my book collection
- my computer
- my cats
- art from loved ones
- plants
- super comfy bed
- my loved ones

Se7en random facts about me
- i'm 5'11 and wish i was 6'
- i'm too generous for my own good
- i am a really good pilates teacher
- i think i will end up a single mom
- i have calluses on every inner knuckle almost (not the tips yet) [hah and i nailed a new move today!]
- i am a hundred times more sensitive than i wish to be and getting more so
- i don't believe i'm a good enough teacher

Se7en things I plan to do before I die
- learn to surf
- visit australia and asia and new zealand and turkey and and and
- live every day (do more of everything!)
- climb a real mountain
- move to another country for at least a year
- have a kid
- be on 'the amazing race'

Se7en things I can do
- teach
- drive a stick
- give random compliments to anyone
- eat ice cream
- lie convincingly
- see other sides of any story
- grow plants outside
- cook

Se7en things I can't do
- land an airplane without bouncing badly
- tolerate opinions with nothing to back them up and no willingness to hear others
- understand why cybersex is fun
- pretend i like people i don't care for (or let them touch me EW)
- lie to people i love. don't ask if you don't want to know.
- stop fidgeting
- cook pastry

Se7en things I say the most
- absolutely
- fuck
- inhale
- no i don't have any apartments available
- yes you really do have to pay your rent
- hey
- exhale
(no really, take a deep breath)

-------------------------------------------------------
adding this:
se7en things that attract me to a (wo)man:
- humour and wit
- patience
- health and fitness (i don't mean you need to be a fitness model... just that you need to pay *some* attention
- honesty
- openness
- passion (and not just the sex kind)
- awareness
--------------------------------------------------------

Se7en celeb crushes
- uhh
- owen wilson
- angela bassett
- morgan freeman
- seriously i just went and read movie news to find some
- johnny depp
- seth green

Se7en people I'll love to see doing this
- dzer
- everything nice
- light strikes a deal
- tania
- othercat
- hubris [for the distraction]
- lividviv
- castufari [what i can't count!?]

Monday, September 05, 2005

disappointment

.
i don't really know what i want to say today. First of all ... damm can i write when I'm hammered off my ass. That's pretty impressive. Okay onward. With the help of some peanut butter chocolate yummy ambrosia ice cream I think I can do it.

I'm zeroing in on something. My friend hubris is going through some shit (which incidentally is why I don't link his blog, that and he hasn't hit my twenty post minimum archive limit yet) right now that has caused me to feel some intense disappointment with his wife. I mean intense.

I had no idea how much I expected from her/respected her until she up and did something totally (what I thought was anyway) out of character for her. She failed in any way to take her husband's feelings and heart into consideration while she led him down a garden path. It wasn't that she took the garden path. It wasn't that she eventually lost her husband down a side road. It wasn't even that she fell in love with someone else.

It's that it just didn't seem like she gave a flying fuck about how this man she had shared a decade of her life with was feeling. And I just don't get it. She was just so unaware of what she was doing... it's like she had blinders on.

So I'm intensely disappointed with her and I feel bad about it. I feel like I should be trying to be more understanding or sympathetic. That I should be aware of both sides of the story and blahdifucking blah.

And I'm TRYING to do that.

But shit damm am I disappointed in this chick.

Funny thing, my boss at the building is big on this disappointment word. Whenever I haven't done whatever she wanted the second she wants it she gets disapointed in me. I was complaining the other day to my dad that she didn't trust me and he said it's because she can't trust herself and that people who can't trust themselves can't trust other people. And suddenly her behaviour makes so much more sense.

The passive aggressive 'i'm disappointed' crap has to go though.

And then a friend of mine told me that he had done something not too major and that anyone who asked he would tell and then this one friend said 'hey dude what up?' and my friend felt that he had disappointed his friend. Boy maybe I should friend a and friend b this one. So friend a didn't feel bad for what he had done until friend b seemed disappointed.

It is interesting what disappointment can mean to people. What's dictionary.com say? [i hate that this is a webster's site]
disappoint:
1. To fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of.
2. To frustrate or thwart: “I will not disappoint the confidence you have put in me” (Wayne A. Budd).

That's a heavy thing to put on someone that is. It's an even harder thing to put on yourself which is what I think friend a has done. I don't feel that his friend is disappointed with him at all... but *he* does. So where do our own expectations of ourselves and those of our family and friends meet up?

I feel like I'm going in a bit of a circle here. It's just that i'm thinking about this big heavy word a lot lately because my friend is just now moving into his apartment (in fact there's one more load and then some furniture and it's done) alone and so the recent events in his life are a lot on his mind.

What's even wierder is that I feel this is a change for the better for him and then I feel bad for thinking that which means, I suppose, that I've disappointed myself too. I don't like how judgemental I'm being. How so one sided. I've always been the one when *I* split up with people to ask them not to choose. To tell them to be friends with both of us (for example othercat and my ex are still hanging out) because my friends and theirs have made relationships while we were together. And yet here I can't even imagine being in the same room with her.

And then there are the many things that disappoint me every day:
- people who don't see that gas prices will only go up... and then you won't be able to get any
- cars that idle for days for no reason
- parents who ignore their children and then hurt them with word or deed when they act out
- drivers who don't check before they change lanes
- people who have no consideration for others
- people who talk in my class while i'm trying to teach
- less comments than i want on my blog
- the smell my car makes sometimes [slowly leaking oil pan drips onto the muffler and reeks]
- my bank account
- that my kitten's allergies are not improving
- that she won't tell me her name
- that my tenants never clean up after themselves
- that i can't go climbing because i'm still too sore
- :)

Of course there's the counter list
- people whose faces light up when i give them a random compliment
- people smiling on the subway
- kitten jumping on my lap in the bathroom
- mouse being such a lady kat :)
- cachaito!
- the purr my car makes when i turn it on
- the tenant that helps me clean just cause she likes me
- that hubris had a really great time tonight
- that i had a really great time tonight
- that pj had a great time tonight too
- that the comments i get are, for the most part, awesome
- that my friends and i still like each other when we're cranky
- that i am blessed with the friends that i have
- that i am blessed with the life that i have
- that i get to go camping in under two weeks
- the thanks i get from my students or their applause [which i secretly LOVE]
- that i get to go climbing TOMORROW
- :)

you know... it's all good. I'm just thinking about that disappointment word and what it means. Some might argue that it is the fear of disappointing those we respect that governs our actions most. But that would only be true in the kind of people who care about others. Or would it?

Nighters, teaching in the am!

Saturday, September 03, 2005

drunk as a skunk

.
i am becoming a cheap drunk. this is fucking wierd. (weird? seriously what is WITH that word???) like i used to drink and drink and smoke and smoke and i was almost sober. I admit that at the time I was in a great deal of constant pain but still. I was close to sober and still i had consumed so much intoxicants. no dudes, SO much.

It really goes to show you what pain and lack of sleep will do to you. Not to mention using marijuana as a painkiller. It does a great job ... but it doesn't get you high when it's killing your pain. It just... kills your pain.

Actually it doesn't even do that. It sorta makes you forget that you hurt for like five minutes and that's really all you need. Robert Heinlein in his later books would talk about Lethe. A drug that made you forget everything that just happened. Your brain would work for like 5 minutes at a time and you just wouldn't remember. It had no addictive properties because it didn't do shit but make you forget. See the theory was [and my experience bears this out] that it's not pain but the memory of pain that's debillitating. So this drug makes you forget that you were in pain five minutes ago.

Think about this. When you fall and slam your knee a bit. When you hit your knuckles on the hold above the one you're reaching for when you're bouldering. When you bark your elbow into something. This hurts like HELL for like 5 minutes. And then it's gone. Like who gives a shit, that was nothing.

Constant pain doesn't hurt as much. what it has on the sudden sharp pain is the torture of longevity. For days and days and weeks and weeks you hurt. That's it, you hurt. You can't sleep because every time you roll over you make something seize up so you wake up wanting to cry. So you don't sleep.

For months.

And months.

And months.

So you get irrational after a while. It hurts every second of every day and you can't feel your brain anymore. You can't understand the decisions you're making and you especially can't get intoxicated.

You can try... but that pain thing, it just doesn't stop.

Now though? Damm dudes.

See in June my friend hubris decided to kick his marijuana habit and I decided to do it with him. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Also after I decided to do that my dealer laid me off which sort of cemented the decision. It seemed like the universe was agreeing with me.

I fairly quickly decided not to quit but to stay cut way down. Damm it's better. First of all? I actually GET HIGH! It's amazing. I remember why I used to like smoking pot. I'm really grateful to the pot for helping me through my accident but I don't miss being a chronic.

First of all I was fat.

And when you're fat and you're in pain and you can't sleep and you're lying on the couch you eat because there's nothing better to do. You're so fucking bored you can't see straight and you're watching hour 46 of television that week and it's only wednesday so you eat.

And you eat.

yeah it's shitty.

So sometimes i had to crawl up the stairs because I couldn't walk up them. So as you can imagine i consumed a fair amount of intoxicants during that couple of years.

And then in June some friends and I chucked our pot habit. Chucked it. We all still smoke but so little that one joint in an evening is enough to get us totalled.

And then tonight I smoked and I drank and I smoked and I drank like the professional that I am and after like maybe 6oz of liquor and 3 pipe bowls I'm trashed. Like totally trashed.

If I were speaking this I would be dropping consonants and slurring vowels. I won't tell you how many tries it took me to type would.

This is a fantastic change. It's so much FUN to be actually intoxicated. Damm.