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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Saturday, October 14, 2006

fuck you...

[look another post i've been working on for months...]

fuck you for hitting my car and leaving a stupid ding under the mirror that's shaped like a horseshoe. just because my car is old doesn't mean that i don't love it.

fuck you for telling me what i'm going to feel

fuck you

fuck you for not loving me the way i loved you. and fuck you more for feeding me crumbs

fuck you for not being good enough

fuck you for using one quarter of the parking on my street for your stupid project

fuck you for 'this guy who was JUST your type just checked you out, turned around, smiled and everything' and NOT poking me when he DID IT!

fuck you for doing it all... way too late

fuck you for not being enough

fuck you for the season finale of gilmore girls. now i have to wait until OCTOBER or something for more of it. and damm... almost saw that coming and still? surprised.

fuck you for having sex against my bedroom window at 4am

fuck you for making our friendship irrelevant

fuck you for doing that too

fuck the toronto maple leafs for not making the playoffs and fuck pat quinn twice as hard. (and a small cheers for the new coach!)

fuck you for ever and always making it about yourself no matter who else is in the room or what they're trying to say. but thanks for that other thing

fuck you for being so young that no matter what reality is you just can't see it

fuck you for helping me build another wall

fuck you for transferring my call before i finished my fucking sentence

fuck you for deleting your blog.

fuck you for not asking me out.

fuck you for smoking outside my window

fuck you for giving me what i need instead of what i want

fuck you for wanting my attention only until you had it. what i didn't have enough bricks in the fucking wall yet?

fuck you for hitting my car hard enough to shatter the mirror and dent the door and fender. just because it's old doesn't mean i don't care and now i have yet another thousand bucks worth of work to do on my old car and you and your fucking huge gas guzzling piece of shit didn't even fucking notice you hit it. i know you didn't because that's how the last person that did the side of my car in responded. ass

fuck you for jumping to conclusions, even if i agree with them

fuck you for 'you just have to put yourself out there'

fuck you all for never noticing that i'm a dateable woman... it's no wonder really, hell i start cybersex with someone and end up giving them advice about their fucking mothers

fuck you for not sending me clients anymore, i hate looking for work and it doesn't suit the type of teacher that i am

fuck you for opening a studio without me (really not... i'm just sad about the missed opportunity)

fuck you for inviting yourself into my home whenever you want whether i'm welcoming or not

fuck you for offering something you knew i needed and then not giving it up... that's just teasing

fuck you for moving to california

fuck you for offering me a dream job IN california and then realising that i'm canadian

fuck you for 'we wish you the best of luck in your practise' AFTER asking me for my cards

fuck you baskin robbins for being out of peanut butter chocolate when i needed it!

29 Comments:

Blogger Spirit said...

Hmmmmmm....
Sounds like a cleansing post to me...
Feels good to finish something doesn't it?

10/14/2006 08:19:00 PM  
Blogger debambam said...

wow....you feel better? I'm thinking I could benefit from something similar, but probably really only directed at one person :)
Hope this post has helped you a little...
Cheers, Kelly

10/14/2006 08:39:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

hm.

well anyway, you need those pigeon roost deterents around your window. have you see those things? it's like they have hundreds of thin nails sticking out of them. you attach them to the surround around the window and if someone wants to lean against your windows to fuck, they'd have to be a fakir (haha) to enjoy it!

10/14/2006 09:16:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

Here's to you, and here's to me. But if we should ever disagree....

Fuck you. Here's to me!

Love the post, Sass

10/15/2006 12:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hope that was as cathartic for you to write as it was interesting for me to read.

and if not, fuck you!

;)

10/15/2006 12:59:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

You had a lot held in that you needed to let go of, huh?

10/15/2006 01:47:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

I so need to do a post like this ... huzzah!

and fuck me for commenting!

;)

10/15/2006 10:04:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Oh I KNOW that felt good. We all have a list of unsaid fuck yous. I am glad you got them off your chest. Funny enough, I can relate to a lot of them, even if I know they mean different things to you and I.

Fuckety fuck fuck.

-N

10/15/2006 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

Awesome post.
Life is cruel and it is tough, unsustainable and really bad to be always be the nice person and not vent out your anger where it is due. I am proud of you that you did it.

But it is fuck you, for allowing you to be treated badly by ppl, for showing its ok, when it is not, for not being selfish enuff. Damn it, i read one of ur posts, where somebody suggested, that you should distribute pamphlets for ppl who have lost their sex drive, and you were like, after all i did not invent it. Wtf? If you don't help yourself, whoz gonna? Please wake up and see how the real world works.

Today, a frnd had come to my place, and i was preparing a drink for him, for his sore throat, and i had honey for only one of us. So i put all the honey in his glass, and no honey in mine. My mom came ahd mixed both of the glasses. I realized i was tryig too hard to impress ppl. If i do not value myself enuff, is it surprising that other ppl do not. Fuck me for dat.

Tc
Hemant

10/15/2006 04:02:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

spirit: yes, yes it does. i had a great time writing that.


deb: i do, i really do. i recommend taking months to write it, makes it harder to identify people.


gabi: i've seen those but that's a screamingly good idea. (hee fakir...) that's gotten better since they put in a fence so now it's just the pee against the window.


jmai: i love that cheers!

10/15/2006 04:09:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: fuck you too! and yes, it was :)


kathi: yeah, seems like.


dzer: do it, it's GREAT FUN! :)

fuck you!


nat: it really really did. and it's funny because it's posts like this that are changing my ownership of my own life.

:)

and i can relate to them even away from whatever specifically motivated them!

:)

fuck fuck!

10/15/2006 04:11:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Ommigod.......I love the Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter chocolate!!!

Great post......I hope it was kinda like a weight was lifted for a moment after you finished this

10/15/2006 08:31:00 PM  
Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Fuckin A.

10/15/2006 10:17:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

does this all mean you'll be looking forward instead of back? the disembowelage needs to end, don't you think?

10/15/2006 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hemant: thanks!

i try to let out my anger without feeding it. like i try to notice that i'm angry and figure out what's causing it and what will get rid of it or transmutate it. sometimes that means i bury it without realising it and that's a problem.

a lot of the things i talk about in my blog are things i am just realising or that are changing as a virtue of being noticed. many of these things would never happen again because i'm not the woman i was. and some of these are very old. not all but some.

that's not quite what happened with the sex drive, she asked if i copyrighted it and i said no because you can't copyright something you didn't make. i'm planning the pamphlet but i want to consult at least one urologist before i do it. i would hate to distribute MORE misinformation.

if my throat didn't hurt i would give them 2/3 and me 1/3... but i find most drinks overly sweet so that isn't even generous. but i think it's natural for the host to give to others before themselves... but it's only worth doing with other people who are like that as well.

my friend has bought me dinner a few times and fed me a few times and i've never returned the favour because of our circumstances but she is absolutely not trying to impress me and she values my company enough that the differing circumstances don't bother her. i think a lot of times motivations go deeper than that.


kj: it's the crack of ice creams! mix it with jamoca almond fudge sometime!

i started it in april and added to it for months and finally published it when i couldn't remember who they were all about :) and yeah, it was fun.


shamus: fuckin a right!


gabi: i try to look forward and i think over the years i'm getting better at is?

i don't think i'll ever stop with the seeking of self awareness though... or do you mean something different by disembowelage?

10/15/2006 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger othercat said...

I have upscale chocolate from the land that invented it. That will improve things. Now that you've got your rant off your chest, you have to come and share my Mayan chocolate with me.

10/16/2006 12:51:00 AM  
Blogger Madame X said...

Ahhh...there is nothing like a good FUCK YOU now and again!

My favorites?

Fuck you for giving me what I need instead of what I want.

and
fuck you for 'you just have to put yourself out there'

10/16/2006 07:47:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

I've started one beside the bed, I find the act of writing it down is just as therapeutic if not more so. Gimme 6 months to get a list happening and I may just post it...maybe I should set a reminder or somethin....
Cheers, Kelly

10/16/2006 09:10:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

was that like a emotional enema?

10/16/2006 11:10:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

othercat: okay.


madame: you're telling me!

yeah... i can see how those two would be the ones that get you. in fact i'm nodding at my screen.


deb: nice. i have a few unfinished posts, i just set their dates in the future and then they sit at the top looking all 'drafty'


elle: yes, yes it was. i stole the idea from T

10/16/2006 01:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A post I can get behind...lol. Venting is good for the soul...I think grudge fucks are cool as long as no one gets hurt, lol. It's also a nice way to vent.

10/16/2006 05:51:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

wanna talk?

10/16/2006 09:04:00 PM  
Blogger honkeie2 said...

Holy fucking A....who has sex outside your window?

10/17/2006 11:08:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cas: i think grudge gucks are awesome... but not outside my window at four am!

:)


gabi: this is a crazy week but we could have coffee after class next friday?


honkeie: love the nick.

uh men?

10/17/2006 11:36:00 AM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

This was quite the rant! Over how long of a span did you pen this? Quite the technique from getting pent up. Hard to believe that you didn't have a political fuck you in there somewhere. Cuz that would have made it 3 dozen :)

10/18/2006 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

sass: i'm planning the pamphlet but i want to consult at least one urologist before i do it. i would hate to distribute MORE misinformation.

hkumar: Hmm right.


sass: if my throat didn't hurt i would give them 2/3 and me 1/3... but i find most drinks overly sweet so that isn't even generous. but i think it's natural for the host to give to others before themselves... but it's only worth doing with other people who are like that as well.

hkumar: right again. Yeah i really liked that guy and wanted to be friends with him. Btw the drink wasn't overly sweet, it had some brandy, hot water, lemon and a bit of honey:-)

10/21/2006 02:45:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: i started it in april or so when teresa naomi did a similar post.

it was quite satisfying and i'm sure i'll do another one sometime...

you know i'm surprised i didn't tell the fucking government to sod off at least once, weird.


hemant: it's funny how often people end up being in agreement if they look a little deeper isn't it? :)

10/23/2006 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger Jim McKee said...

Fuck you for writing such an interesting post (even though it was also incredibly raw).

Fuck you for not being in the Detroit area, because I think it would kick ass to hang out with you.

Just kidding about the "fuck you" part, but I wanted to stay on topic.

;-]

10/23/2006 11:42:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jim mckee: fuck you for finding my raw post interesting *g*

fuck you for living in detroit, downtown toronto is way nicer.

fuck you for just kidding *grin*

:)

10/23/2006 10:32:00 PM  

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