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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, October 02, 2006


lately, it seems that in addition to my overwhelming feeling of quietness i'm supposed to get my shortcomings pointed out to me. and it's gotten me to thinking.

if my shortcomings are being pointed out to me then maybe it's because they're sticking out more. why are they sticking out more?

well let's see... i'm tired a lot and feel like i can't sleep and like i can't wake up and like i'm tired even if i just got nine hours of sleep.

my brain feels... heavy.

i can't get myself to go after work even if it would be relatively simple and i'm even not sending an invoice that will net me a hundred bucks that i need.

i have nothing to say and i hang around with my friends and you can hardly tell that i'm there.

i can't stop eating food that isn't healthy.

newsflash sassinak this has all the hallmarks of depression. i wonder if i felt like this last year about now

*wanders off to look at archives*

interestingly, yes i did. so maybe it's a seasonal thing. i get a little funky in february but who says i don't get a little funky in september as well?

what's interesting is that in spite of the fact that this has all of the hallmarks of depression i don't feel depressed. i'm acting depressed, if i were diagnosing me i would call myself depressed but yeah.

i don't care enough to feel depressed *laughs*

that's kind of it though. and this will pass in the not too distant future and i won't notice it's passing until the next time this happens and i realise how long it's been since the last time.

in fact, although i'm theoretically miserable diagnostically i'm thoroughly enjoying the time off. it's quite nice to feel my brain be in slow motion and to not have very much to say. what's not so nice is when people tell you that you're unusually bitchy. other things hurt more but won't get mentioned here to protect the people that said them.

or me, because i rarely want people to realise how much things hurt me.

i was theorising recently that maybe this is normal. it's fall. maybe this is when we get all pensive and rambley (think walks) because soon we'll be trapped in a longhouse and we won't be able to be psycho.

maybe we northerners get a little weird at harvest because our brains are expecting us to do the human equivalent of hibernation which, for a very long time, involved a lot of people living in very small and very communal spaces.

perhaps this is how our brains gear up for winter. they spend the summer getting all hot and languid and feeling good. cares are forgotten and our bodies and minds get fit and healthy from the hard work we're doing.

then in the fall, when you're putting up food and stores for winter, out comes the shaker and it gives the old brain a thorough shaking and sees what turns up. sort of gives the brain a last chance to get prepared for the stir crazy mess that is winter in a snowy place.

so just because i have parkas and a car and heated malls doesn't mean my body really groks that. my body is learning that as humans become more civilised but we still have many more generations of primitive tribal history than automated and industrialised history.

maybe this is normal.

maybe this empty feeling in my brain is the mental equivalent of putting on ten pounds of insulation before the snow flies...


or maybe i'm depressed.

it's just that if i'm depressed, aren't i supposed to be sad or miserable or unable to function at work? hell shouldn't work suck instead of remaining enjoyable?

it really does feel like withdrawl for hibernation.



Blogger Kristen said...

I hate the end of the year......I tend to look back over the last months and realize that nothing is different from this time the year before.....

My life is exactly the same......except that I'm older.

I hate this time of year.

10/02/2006 06:45:00 AM  
Blogger john said...

Seasonal ebbs are a huge part of the reason why I couldn't stand living in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Those 7-month winters can really get to you after awhile. It still snows in Colorado, but it almost always melts the next day or soon after. You hear these cliched correlations between good weather and good moods, and from my personal experience, I have found this to be true. With 300 days of sunshine a year, even January can be greeted with a smile.

Hang in there, Sass. If it is seasonal, why not try getting yourself excited for a winter activity you enjoy? Go check out new ski equipment or something. Embrace the change!

10/02/2006 09:45:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

There is something to be said for SAD (seasonal affective disorder...but you prolly know that)and its effects on people. Or it might just be cyclical... most people have their off days/months etc.

I was thinking about the pointing out of shortcoming thing. Cause when I first read it, I got the immediate gut feeling of...well that's just wrong...people shouldn't be just given a lis of their shortcomings. And then I remembered that's kinda what I did not too long ago with one of the most important people in my life...and it wasn't meant as a "here...this is what I hate about you...change it..." it was more like...these are the things that I am noticing that make me feel less happy being around you or less comfortable...things that worry me about, etc...and I was wondering whether these things are just who you are or things that bug you too...does that make sense?

Anyway...some of the changes I have made in my life have been thanks to someone having the balls to put a mirror in front of me.

But if it is someone just collecting your imperfections and shoving your face in them just to make you feel bad then that's another thing.

And you might be depressed. And you have to decide if you can just ride it or you need extra help.



10/02/2006 09:52:00 AM  
Blogger JMai said...

I'm hardly the expert on this, but I don't know if things have to be downright sucky and miserable in order for you to be depressed. I find that every so often I just get some feelings of listlessness and general malaise, and I believe that's my form of depression. Everyone is different, though. And there certainly is a seasonal aspect to our moods.

In the end, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to just hibernate, get away from the people and places that you aren't quite feeling, and just be with yourself... even if you're not very good company.

I like Jon's idea of embracing the change. Or maybe you can find the One Tree Hill season 3 dvds and hibernate with those!

10/02/2006 10:42:00 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Sass hun listen to your body cause you know it best

10/02/2006 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

I have the cure for what ails ya dear. However, sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, lol. You need an off switch on that beautiful mind of yours. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss...sometimes...

10/02/2006 02:18:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kj: are you sure nothing is different? you and your kids are older, things have happened. maybe you like your skin just a little bit more? have some new friends?

i am forced to admit that i'm doing better this time this year than i was this time last year.

*hugs* babe. what change are you wanting to make but haven't?

john: i've heard that minnesota in the winter can be hell on earth. it's nicer here, and i actually really enjoy winter as long as i force myself to go outside.

i would love to see colorado again, i was two last time i went.

those correlations aren't cliche at all. it's been raining here and i'm down. neat huh. see winter here tends to be relatively sunny so it's okay.

it's early march where i start to lose it because then the snow turns into rain. see i like summer and winter and late spring and early fall. but the cold rains get to me and it's been unusually cold here.

i can't ski anymore, i work on weekends and i can't afford to change that yet. god i miss skiing.

nat: yeah for sure. i'm particularly tuned into the world since i lived on a farm and i really notice the weather more. i get parched if it doesn't rain...

that and i think i have a cycle as well, i just think it's related to weather the same way my menstrual cycle follows the moon.

i think with the shortcomings it's about HOW it's said and not so much what's said. you can take anything if it's presented to you respectfully. if it's said snarkily or with bite it's a lot harder to take.

and yes that makes sense, i've had that very conversation with a couple of people and it's usually always gone well. although i think you say it better.

i don't mind nice mirrors... it's the ugly ones that hurt.

well yeah... that's just it, i'm not sure all of the things i'm thinking of were meant 'nicely'

i might be depressed, if it's not passed in another week or two i'll go see someone. for now it's starting to smell like fall in the air and my nose is twitching which sort of implies that i'll settle in to the new weather soon.


10/02/2006 02:31:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jmai: i'm sort of an expert in that i've been depressed enough that i didn't get out of bed for a month. interestingly i was in therapy at the time *laughs*

the major thing group therapy did for me was allow me to see that it's normal to feel this way and i got some great coping tools for the days where getting out of bed seems impossible (especially in a field where mental health days get you fired)

i think you're right by the way that that's your form of depression... lucky you you have a very mild dose.

yeah that's it... i'm not quite feeling it. nothing quite feels like it fits. funny cause i felt like this last year at this time and ultimately it proved a motivator.

i can't find season three *sob*

hunee: thanks for that :)

cas: oh wow, an off switch. that sounds nice.

only if there's a matching on switch though, otherwise i'd rather have my crazy brain just the way it is.

and thank you, that's one of the nicest things i've heard in a long time.

10/02/2006 02:35:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

You're good at listening to your body and knowing (understanding) what it's telling you. Don't try to second guess yourself.
Cas has got it right.

10/02/2006 04:41:00 PM  
Blogger Sweet Li'l Gal said...

I'll totally buy the hibernation thing. Or, it's just a lull... we all get lulls... it doesn't have to be a fullblown depression, just stuff shutting down after running on high for so long. So enjoy the chips and lazy nights, long sleeps and building up mail... you'll get the spring back in your step soon enough and wish you had the time to relax. Happy fall!!!

10/02/2006 06:53:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ya know... these low periods you mention are roughly six months apart...

i don't know if there's any significance to that, but maybe it IS cyclical for you. and it certainly sounds like the weather plays a role.

and depression isn't necessarily completely debilitating... though you might just be feeling some general malaise, as jmai suggests.

and like everyone else said, you know yourself best. you're the best person to answer the questions you've posed.

i still think "spring" is coming soon.

10/02/2006 09:29:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

have you ever considered, since you enjoy teaching, to apply to teacher's college at Queen's university? they have a special programme for 'mature' students who are able to bring so much more to the learning experience. i know many people with enormous amounts of experience in many different fields who have found great satisfaction and enjoyment in entering the teaching profession. traditionally, teachers were people who went from high school to university and then teacher's college with little or no life experience or variety in employment history. you are one of those people who have many abilities and talents because you have worked in various diverse fields. it seems that teaching pilates in the format you have entered just isn't doing it for you the way you'd like. you could teach pilates to high school kids just as well if not better and set them up for a lifetime of body awareness and appreciation.... then there's the computer angle....then there's other stuff like music, swim coaching ....ya know? you'd never be bored, you wouldn't have to make cold calls, you'd have benefits and a pension and the summers off to go to pilates conferences and workshops, holidays in Italy or China or Namibia, teacher exchange programmes on different continents......more annoying thoughts from me. as usual.

10/02/2006 10:00:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

Maybe I need to move to Colorado.

Definitely the seasons and the weather can affect one's mood, in a big way. And there's something to be said for "anniversary" type moods that seem to recur at the same time each year.

I don't get depressed in September/October. I get energized. I just love strolling through the market looking at all the wonderful food: squash and pumpkins and apples and sweet potatoes. Its fantastic. About mid-November is when I crash. Then I'm start to just wait for the winter solstice so the days get longer again.

I was thinking, why not spend your marketing/cold calling energy trying to find someone (or ones) who will send you lots of clients like the doctor did, rather than trying to find actual new clients? Like maybe there are other doctors out there? At least get your flyers into some urologists offices!

10/03/2006 01:13:00 AM  
Blogger Spirit said...

Sass ...
Not to be as analytical as some ...
I think you need to get your butt out here ...climb over these little chunks of rocks we call the Rocky Mountains ...

The fresh air alone will re-energize you.

And besides ...where would you find a better tour guide than me ...

Lot's of ice climbs as well ...

C'mon ...you know ya wanna ....

10/03/2006 01:26:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: thanks ... it's hard not to second guess yourself when income is involved.

sweet: yeah i really think that the hibernation theory might be it. but then i have a tendency to project my own feelings and habits onto others. i like your take with shutting down, that's what it feels like. sort of putting summer sass away if you will.

and you're right, in a month i'll wonder why i'm so busy!

terry: yup, they are.

it probably is cyclical but i think end of summer and late winter get to me more than most. or that's when my cycle hits...

i think 'spring' is coming too honestly, it's why i'm not worried. i'll worry if it doesn't...

sometimes depression or lulls aren't bad for you, it's only if they get debilitating that it is...

10/03/2006 09:08:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gabi: yeah i've considered it, a few times. i just can't bear the idea of incurring even more debt. also, i've taught a couple of classes at high schools and i ain't got what teenagers need. they didn't... pay attention exactly.

i'm sure with training i would get better but the thing is that i love teaching pilates i really do, i am just kind of frustrated having to look for work.

eventually (funny that you say this) i want to teach kids 8-12 and set them up exactly that way. i don't think i'm a good enough teacher with enough knowledge to do that yet though.

but yeah, i've thought of teaching, and i keep revisiting the idea too...

she said summers off....

and dude? your thoughts are NOT annoying!

clarity: can i come too?

yeah anniversary moods, that sums it up perfectly. i'm really liking having a blog for this ability to sort of track yourself. i knew about february already but i only just figured out september.

i also noticed that in swimming time off was end of july to mid september and for that period i can never get myself to work out. i finally put them together as thoughts.

i'll get energized soon funnily enough and be all charged up for winter. guess i'm mourning summer right now.

yeah, that's what i'm thinking too, go find physios and such instead of single clients. i love this flyer idea y'all.

spirit: oh man i SO WANNA!

how do you know how badly i wanna? damm... climbing in the rockies, skiing in the rockies, looking at the rockies, BREATHING in the rockies.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

*wistful sigh*

need cash!

10/03/2006 01:39:00 PM  
Blogger Spirit said...

Cash ....naw ...just tell me when ..I take care of everything ...

10/03/2006 05:38:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

sass, I do know that first hand. :)

10/03/2006 10:23:00 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

I don't think depression ever "feels" like depression to the depressed.

Just saying

10/04/2006 07:51:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

spirit: what are you independently wealthy or something?

cause then christmas or early january or march break!

kathi: fair enough!

madame: i think you're right when it's the first or second bout. but i think after you've wrestled with it for years you start to get an idea of when you do and don't need to worry.

refusing to get out of bed or go to work for more than one day in a row?? time to worry :)

but that's just my thought right?

10/04/2006 09:47:00 AM  
Blogger RobynB said...

Depression sucks.

I think its just that time of year.

It is for me.

10/04/2006 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i'd say it's the weather...the days are shorter, the sun shines significantly less, the weather is cooling off (although that i enjoy)...and the effects of a full moon are insanely more drastic because of the heightened magnetic feilds of winter.

that's my story, i'm sticking to it.

10/04/2006 12:11:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

robyn: do you find, as i do, that it helps to know you're not alone?

me too i think

elle: yeah, it's time to get all winterred up. we're supposed to be putting up stores and being indoors getting ready.

and chopping wood

freaking moon is a powerful bitch.

10/04/2006 01:31:00 PM  
Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

We have this feeling right that "depression" is bad. Why do we think it as something bad, and not as a phase that everyone goes through to re-assesss priorities, is something that perplexes me.

Sass, i went through Art of Living courses, and it helps to some extent control and schedule "depression". Yeah i know you do some yoga, but maybe you might want to give this a shot. The breathing exercises that are taught in the basic course are pranayama(breath-in, hold, breath-out, hold, and repeat), bhastrika, naadi shodhan pranayam(breathing with one nostril at a time) and sudharshan kriya(long breaths, medium breaths, short breaths). I am telling you so that you can compare with what you do.

I blogged something after a long while. Please comment.

Luv, care and cheers

10/04/2006 04:57:00 PM  

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