lethargy

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lately, it seems that in addition to my overwhelming feeling of quietness i'm supposed to get my shortcomings pointed out to me. and it's gotten me to thinking.

if my shortcomings are being pointed out to me then maybe it's because they're sticking out more. why are they sticking out more?

well let's see... i'm tired a lot and feel like i can't sleep and like i can't wake up and like i'm tired even if i just got nine hours of sleep.

my brain feels... heavy.

i can't get myself to go after work even if it would be relatively simple and i'm even not sending an invoice that will net me a hundred bucks that i need.

i have nothing to say and i hang around with my friends and you can hardly tell that i'm there.

i can't stop eating food that isn't healthy.

newsflash sassinak this has all the hallmarks of depression. i wonder if i felt like this last year about now

*wanders off to look at archives*

interestingly, yes i did. so maybe it's a seasonal thing. i get a little funky in february but who says i don't get a little funky in september as well?

what's interesting is that in spite of the fact that this has all of the hallmarks of depression i don't feel depressed. i'm acting depressed, if i were diagnosing me i would call myself depressed but yeah.

i don't care enough to feel depressed *laughs*

that's kind of it though. and this will pass in the not too distant future and i won't notice it's passing until the next time this happens and i realise how long it's been since the last time.

in fact, although i'm theoretically miserable diagnostically i'm thoroughly enjoying the time off. it's quite nice to feel my brain be in slow motion and to not have very much to say. what's not so nice is when people tell you that you're unusually bitchy. other things hurt more but won't get mentioned here to protect the people that said them.

or me, because i rarely want people to realise how much things hurt me.

i was theorising recently that maybe this is normal. it's fall. maybe this is when we get all pensive and rambley (think walks) because soon we'll be trapped in a longhouse and we won't be able to be psycho.

maybe we northerners get a little weird at harvest because our brains are expecting us to do the human equivalent of hibernation which, for a very long time, involved a lot of people living in very small and very communal spaces.

perhaps this is how our brains gear up for winter. they spend the summer getting all hot and languid and feeling good. cares are forgotten and our bodies and minds get fit and healthy from the hard work we're doing.

then in the fall, when you're putting up food and stores for winter, out comes the shaker and it gives the old brain a thorough shaking and sees what turns up. sort of gives the brain a last chance to get prepared for the stir crazy mess that is winter in a snowy place.

so just because i have parkas and a car and heated malls doesn't mean my body really groks that. my body is learning that as humans become more civilised but we still have many more generations of primitive tribal history than automated and industrialised history.

maybe this is normal.

maybe this empty feeling in my brain is the mental equivalent of putting on ten pounds of insulation before the snow flies...

maybe.

or maybe i'm depressed.

it's just that if i'm depressed, aren't i supposed to be sad or miserable or unable to function at work? hell shouldn't work suck instead of remaining enjoyable?

it really does feel like withdrawl for hibernation.

thoughts?