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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Friday, September 15, 2006

up an down

i'm sorry, i've been watching season two of grey's anatomy and i have thirteen more episodes to go before i start paying attention to this blog again... and god damm is that show ever awesome. and by the way? if you've SEEN season two? shut the bloody hell up! i am currently unspoiled and hoping to remain so.

there is something about dating that is soul suckingly wearying. you meet people, be it at parties or online or whatever and you feel yourself well up with this strangely despairing hope.

that maybe this time will be different.

that maybe this time you'll meet someone where both of you feel that little sparky magical thingy at the same time.

where maybe one of you won't think the other is a total putz.

hell that you'll both be inspired to boink even...

yeah i know, total wishful thinking. it's just what's the alternative to the wishful thinking? if you just accept that you're never going to date you have to then deal with your remaining lifespan with no dates. that's really kind of unfriendly and lonely sounding.

so you go to the parties or the blind dates and somehow you keep this little spark of hope alive, the cruel kind, the kind that gets you living off chips and ice cream for three days because some guy didn't call but hope nonetheless...

so to combat this ongoing dating misery i've decided to finally finish a post that i started a long time ago, a post that la belle natalia inspired when she wrote a really wonderful list one day.

fuck this post was finished and my browser crashed...

regardless this list was like the anti-dating-rant rant, it was a lovely list of things all of her exes had done which endeared them to her forever... and nary a complaint was seen. so without further ado, my list of unidentifiable exes and the things i loved them for.

x used to always make sure that i had a fresh glass of water at my bedside. or really anywhere i was.

x used to patiently walk me through jumper settings on my modem so we could 'talk' over the net. this was in 14400 days so you know we were talking with text AND that i knew a lot less about computers then.

x used to kiss my shoulder just before we went to sleep. he'd be all wrapped around me and then he'd just *kiss* me on my shoulder... and i used to melt.

x never 'let me win' at pool and god it pissed me off that i never beat him. but i loved him for not pulling any punches.

he told me that i would see a shooting star and i never had. so he took me outside and sat me down and said pick a spot over yonder and stare. and i did. and i saw one. finally. irony, i've since learned that there's a meteor shower ON my birthday every year.

he used to love toys... you know those nerd toys like the sphere that shrinks and expands because it's all triangles. or anything glow in the dark. or silly putty. or computers. or whatever. x took such joy in life that it was a pleasure to be around.

x once said 'you're so cute when you're being defensive' and i hadn't even noticed i was being defensive.

x would ski like the wind and laugh like a child.

x was unfailingly generous with treats and cash.

x taught me to understand the guts of my car.

x had the best abs (what i'm allowed to be shallow too!)

x showed me that waiting before boinking led to significantly better sex when we finally did it... and how much fun a shower stall that liked to fill up with water could be...

x taught me the difference between having sex and making love.

x always had a ready quip and it was rarely at anyone's expense.

x showed up with dufflet's pastries the first time he took me for a walk. i didn't realise that i would one day consider that our first date.

x took great glee in wonderful food.

x always worried about my pleasure before his, and i don't just mean in bed.

he gave me the first valentine's day i ever had... with streamers and everything. he done did it up right and it was lovely. (and i was almost thirty at the time by the way)

he also introduced me to the joys of a king size bed... it's so much easier to thrash in your sleep if you have the equivalent of a double bed of your own and so does he.

x toured me around the back roads and the goat trails for miles in any direction from our home...

x would make me food whenever he was cooking without me having to ask... even before we were dating.

x described me as wind and loved me for it... and other than otters i've heard no better comparison.

x was the first person i loved romantically and will hold a special corner of my heart forever because of it.

x was one of the kindest people i ever knew... would that i met him when i was thirty instead of fifteen.

x showed me that it can be a turn on for a man if a woman 'helps herself out' while you're playing together... until then i thought men would find that insulting.

x was endlessly patient with me when i lost it with him... man would not fight. not a bad quality in a sass mate *grin*

okay there you have it... things i loved about the men of my past... and a reminder that just because dating sucks and there are a lot of players out there? doesn't mean there aren't some stellar men to be had as well.

too bad it's so hard to sort them from the users and the players... but i guess it's because we women want to trust so much that we shut our eyes... or that the players are so much smoother than the actual nice guys...

or whatever.. just remember, not all the boys you meet will prove to be assholes. yes even the ones who break your heart aren't necessarily assholes... i mean are you an asshole for dumping that guy that time?



Blogger Natalia said...

Ummm and who is first? That would be me!


9/15/2006 01:49:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Now that the bragging is out of the way: I am so happy you did this post. It's funny cuase I was looking at past stuff and then I saw that post I did and wondered if you had ever got around to it and then thought you might have done it while I was away. And voila. Today I come over and here it is, all lovely and finished. I am happy I inspired it. I think it's a good thing to remember the good times, especially because we all tend to remember the fights and insults a lot more clearly. It sounds like there were a lot of good times and good people to be remembered. I say celebrate the goodness in everyone.

And also? Grey's Anatomy is addictive. It's my heroin. Seriously. I am counting down days, and I am not even sure the actual date. Tee hee.

Cannot wait. I care not who knows. I am addicted!!!!


9/15/2006 01:53:00 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

I'll be back...I am too over come with emotions right now.

Lovely post, Sass.

9/15/2006 03:18:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

It is nice to come to a point in any relationship where you no longer harbor hard/hurt feelings and you are able to take a step back and say thank you for ...

retrospection, reflection and forgiveness and wonderful things!

*Cheers to you Sass*
Okay you can go back to watching Gray's Anatomy...I've never seen it *hears gasp* I know but I never watch TV either so...ehh

9/16/2006 12:17:00 AM  
Blogger terry, queen dork said...

this IS a lovely post. truly lovely.

you have a big heart.

9/16/2006 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: can't think of a more appropriate first for this post can you?

nat redux: i'm happy that i did this post too, it brought back some really lovely memories... some buried you know?

i think remembering the good times is incredibly hard, but gets easier with distance... and is totally worth it.

and dude? THURSDAY AT NINE ON ABC!!!!!

*clears throat*

yeah just watched 16-20 and have seven more to go!!! god this show is so good :)

and yes, it's tv heroin for sure, in fact it's so good that after i misprogrammed the vcr and missed the first three episodes? i just decided to wait for this year so as not to wreck the timeline.

madame: well, that's an all right thing to inspire if you ask me

and thank you.

9/16/2006 02:21:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: yeah and it usually takes a few years to get there!

i thank nat for inspiring me to write this post really, it's been good for me.

as for tv? don't start, but if you do? grey's has fantastic dialogue and makes me cry regularly... and laugh.

terry: thank you, and thank nat.

i try babe... i try but i fail pretty often too.

9/16/2006 02:22:00 AM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

I was thinking of exes too for some odd reason, and it's wonderful to get tot he point where the bad stuff doesn't eclipse what was wonderful.

I feel sorry for women who have only had one lover. There is something about the ability to compare that makes you appreciate them all the more. Of course, I'm not saying you need a platoon of men to do this in your life. But as women, I think we know there is a need for different lovers for different times in your life. Sometimes it's the same man who is able to adapt to different situations, different moods, different needs. But most times... you need more than one. It sounds like you had wonderful opportunities to feel loved and wanted, to release and explore, and I suppose...that's what sex is about.

9/16/2006 01:51:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Wow, I've never had anyone (seriously, in my entire life) that did 99% of the great things your men have done for you. I'd love to have some of these experiences. I'm honestly jealous Sass. Hopefully, and prayerfully, it's not to late.

9/16/2006 04:21:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

I have never watched Grey's Anatomy... I hate when you find out from other people that a show is good, but you find out way too late and you're like... well, I could get the dvds and catch up on the past 2 seasons, or I could just forget the whole thing... I feel that way about Grey's, and also Desperate Housewives and even Nip/Tuck.

Anyway, I loved this post when Nat did it and it's just as lovely this time round. Sometimes you feel like you don't want to fondly remember the good things about exes, because of pride or because you think it's a sign that you want them back or that you're unhappy in your current relationship. But if they weren't at least a little bit lovely, then you wouldn't have been with them, and it's no fair condemning them as humans if things were good until they just weren't anymore. They didn't change, just the bits of them that clashed with the bits of you were more apparent. Sometimes it's good to reminisce.

9/17/2006 08:08:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

spared: the universe has a lot of commonality i think, and i often find myself repeating already had conversations with other people... cool but weird.

i think people with only one lover are both blessed and cursed. cursed because they really won't recognize when they're not being treated appropriately and blessed because there is something really wonderful about discovering yourself and your mate and knowing no one has 'been there' before. i'd say it's a wash.

i do think you're right that you become a fuller person if you have more than one lover, but i would want someone on the other side's opinion before i felt i was sure.

i did have some great men... and some great sex, but man all of them were so not right for me...

kathi: well, take the water glass for example... that lasted six months and then he started getting up, ignoring my empty glass, going to the kitchen to get his own drink and then returning... but it sure was nice at the beginning :)

that said, i've dated some stellar men, unfortunately i didn't suit any of them...

and i hope and pray that the universe gifts you with a man who is worth your awesomeness.

jmai: it's too late to do it now for THIS SEASON because this season starts thursday and you're forty episodes behind. however, next summer when you're bored and there's nothing but big brother on tv? rent grey's anatomy, it's awesome. the other two? desperate gets over the top soapy pretty fast so you could think of it as a soap and drop in whenever you like or do rentals or just not bother...

as for nip/tuck? season two was kind eehhh and season three apparently sucked so really, watch season one and be done with it :)

it's SUCH a nice post to do and it really makes you feel good to do it. it does take a long time to be ready though :)

it's hard to remember what i loved about them because then i miss them... i'm lonely after all. but it's worth it because it helps with the healing and the forgiving and the letting go.

and if you don't appreciate your exes i sort of feel sorry for your current partner you know? (generic you not you jmai)

the bits of them that clashed with the bits of you... well put :)

9/17/2006 02:17:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

ah, stupid female hormones.

one of my patients remarked that women start to think clearly around menopause. until then the effect of the hormones is so powerful that rational thought cannot exist. it doesn't matter what anyone explains or says, women do the most idiotic things that do not enhance their lives or their well-being because they are driven by a biological imperative to couple with men whose biological imperative is somewhat different from that of women.

in our society, it seems male female relationships become so claustrophobic in the end because people expect so much from their spouse. there is a surfeit of idealization for coupling, cohabitation, reproduction etc. but take a look at women before and after. it's quite shocking the degenerative changes marriage and family raising does to women. how can that be good for them? why aspire to it? because women can't help themselves. that's why.

of course i can see all this clearly now. :);P

9/17/2006 02:52:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Wow, Sass........crying...just tears falling right now and once again I am speechless at how you can keep such a positive attitude and remember the good stuff

9/17/2006 08:02:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

I simply adore you.

9/17/2006 11:48:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gabi: yes, female hormones are annoying and they're getting more annoying the older i get. does it really get better after menopause? cause damm that will be nice.

i think there is definetely this idea in people that if they find 'the one' that they'll be happy and i really think i'm past that. would i like a nice man to date? yes. do i expect a fairy tale? yeah not so much.

but i'm stupid with dating i totally admit it, it's probably why i don't actually do it.

yeah they did a study of who was happiest and in order? married men, single women, single men, married women. figures.

kj: oh wow babe i didn't mean to make you cry, hope it's good tears.

and i have really good examples :)

kathi: *huggs*

9/18/2006 01:21:00 AM  
Anonymous clarity said...

Beautiful post Sass.

At least you know some of the good things you are looking for in relationship. Having all these good things in your past gives you something to judge future relationships/dates by.

gabriella: Interesting about the not seeing clearly until after menopause. I can totally believe that.

9/18/2006 01:38:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

yea..i thought about doing a post like this, and then i realized after forty minutes of thinking of things, i only had one nice thing he ever did for me..and that was out of obligation, not his own volition.

heh. and people wonder why i'm so cynical.

9/18/2006 11:08:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

clarity: thank you.

i'm not dating. i'm off the train and i just don't have the energy anymore. it's all just too much work. i'm not saying i'll say no if a nice man asks me out, absolutely i will not... but i might not manage to care very much. i think that last train wreck left me more broken than i realised.

re what you said to gabi? i can too.

elle: well nat wrote this post when she was about thirty and i'm thirty five. if i had tried to write it at your age it would have been impossible. there would have been two or three things on it you know?

how can you not be cynical, the world is cold these days.

9/19/2006 01:58:00 AM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

Thanks Sass, that was nice to read....

9/19/2006 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger samuru999 said...

First time here!
I came over from Kathi to read about all those men!
Very touching!
And what wonderful men!

9/19/2006 12:12:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

avocado: you are welcome, it was nice to write.

samuru: welcome! i love new folks :)

and kathi is the best isn't she?

yeah some of them will make someone else a great husband. some of them? not so much *grin*

9/19/2006 11:45:00 PM  

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