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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


somewhere in this post you will find the decryption for the titular acronym.

oh my god i'm so addicted to pilates on tour i just spent half an hour determining that i can get a ticket to dallas next weekend for 327usd and thus i could spend thursday evening through monday morning in dallas and sitting at the feet of someone worth listening to (elizabeth larkam is doing a review of chair and barrel for example and my repertoire on both of those is shitty.)

i am a junkie.

i'm addicted and i'm not afraid to admit it. i'm only feeling a little weird about the fact that it's freaking education i'm addicted to. hell i pay my teacher before i pay my phone bill.

i mean that's addiction right?

if you had told me in my younger days that i would get addicted to any kind of school? there would have been laughing and maybe a tinge of hysteria.

tragically i cannot afford it. i mean just can't, there's rooms to pay for (226usd not counting either thursday or sunday) and stuff and i'd probably have to take friday off and fly out late thursday instead and and and suddenly it's another seven hundred bucks i don't have. (hotel + flight = 553 --> irony same price as my FLIGHT to seattle! [seattle had an elder...])

but oh god i want it.

dudes i have a crush on school!

*laughs fool head off*

as y'all know i've recently spent a weekend away from toronto. in case you missed it the post was called *contented smile* and you can click on it from the sidebar. regardless i wasn't here.

and you know what? my ethnic calcio post was wrong. it isn't that i'm hot in italy and i'm not hot in north america. oh no. it's that i'm not hot HERE.

in new york city when i weighed 225 pounds (four years back) i was hot
in calgary, alberta i was hot
in thunder bay, ontario i was the hottest (gosh that was a while back... rome, italy was then too)
in a state park in fucking oregon i'm hot
and i do all right in michigan too...

hell, in the fucking airport in minneapolis i'm hot. i was also cranky, tired, just finished a long and happy weekend of hard work and no sleep and my abs were so sore they were hanging out (fine i was wearing my hot pink tie dyed skirt and a cute little purple top and a falling off the shoulder grey hoodie so there was a little skin showing) and i wasn't smiling or anything.

i was standing on a moving walkway too tired to even walk and every single man that passed me turned to stare. they were dropping like flies in minneapolis.

in seattle? oh yeah there was flirting and getting checked out and a little wishing i had some time to party in that town. i would have gotten lucky for sure. okay fine so i'm not the kind of girl that gets lucky the same day she meets a man but nonetheless, i don't think i would have been buying my own drinks. [technically i never bought a drink or food all weekend, but most of that was (i think) on other people's expense accounts...]

so what is it about here (and vancouver actually) that renders me unattractive?

i am starting to think that it has to do with the movie industry and the post-secondary schools and the preponderance of young hotties around here. there's some kind of imbalance or something.

i've read articles that claim that people in this city make all of their decisions about dating on looks and are always looking to trade up... but even the guys who 'aren't in my league' aren't looking at me.

for the record i think everyone is in everyone's league and then it's all about type. but nonetheless based solely on looks even the guys who would assume they couldn't have me (generally the ones with the brains dammitall) aren't even looking.

it makes me wonder is all. maybe it's not that dating is so hard, maybe it's that the people in this city have funny eyeballs and can't see what's right in front of them.

first i thought it was me or my fat or whatever but no, i don't think it is, i think it's toronto.

i think there's a dating vacuum of death here and that all of us singletons should move elsewhere. just have an en masse migration where we scatter to the four corners of the earth (but not to vancouver and no girls for ottawa, there are too many there already) and start wearing colours instead of black and just generally break the toronto mold.

i really don't know what it is.

i do know that i came home with this thought in my head and then discussed it with a hot guy i know who has similar experiences (he smokes and isn't hot for me :P) and he doesn't think it has anything to do with the actors that live here but that it has everything to do with the bill boards that are *everywhere*

he thinks that whether we mean to or not we're being influenced by these bombarded media images every place we go and every place we look.

and i cannot disagree with him.

i mean we have ads in toilet stalls on garbage containers in bus shelters on the subways all over store windows on downtown walls on flashing billboards way over our heads stuck to our bike lockups in all of our media painted on the sidewalks stapled to the telephone poles glued to the parking ticket boxes on the televisions lining the gardiner expressway [yes a highway with a 90km/h speed limit (56mph or so) and and and and and

so how do we get people to see people instead or posters?

i don't really know.

i just know that everywhere i go that isn't here?

i'm a hottie.

clearly it's time to move *grin*

note to back brain black hole, how many times have you said that in the last twelve months and for how many different reasons?


Blogger terry said...

first !!

*doing snoopy dance*

8/29/2006 10:42:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

okay, now that that's out of the way...

it's funny, i hear the same thing about my city, too. about dating being really difficult in this entire region.

i have to agree, based not just on my experience but that of others. i don't know why this is, though.

and i think it's fabulous you have a crush on school! that's a healthy one.

8/29/2006 10:44:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: *first comment snoopydance ^5*

terry two: heh

i'm starting to wonder if it's something else then. because one thing vancouver and san fran and toronto all have in common is that they're homosexual meccas. i wonder if maybe we're all busy assuming everyone else is gay or something.

yeah i don't get it either.

yeah, i think it's great too but WEIRD!

8/30/2006 12:51:00 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

OMG dating vaccumm of death, that is too funny!

8/30/2006 01:23:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

It's the attitude. When you're not looking, tired and could care less, it's appealing, challenging even to men.
When you're dressed for the hunt, like any wild animal (sorry guys), they run.

8/30/2006 01:25:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: ^5 for getting it!

i laughed so hard when i reread it that i had to make it the title.

kathi: dude i am never not looking. even draggy i'm looking into the faces of the people who pass me. who knows, i might find a lost friend.

that said, there was a certain could care less to my attitude *g*

i wear that same exact outfit for hunting and it doesn't work at all.

8/30/2006 01:43:00 AM  
Blogger Sweet Li'l Gal said...

Look at it this way, Sass... you are hot in every other place you go. That's no small feat! To be not-so-hot in only 2 north american cities is hardly a bad statistic. I think you may be onto something with the gay thing. But this also signals something bigger. Personal image is numero uno in Toronto, more so than New York or even (gasp!) Paris, if you ask me (actually, travelling from Toronto to Paris, I was taken aback that my long-held assumption that the french were stylish was soooo wrong in comparison to what was walking the streets at home). After living in Toronto, I fell victim to this BIG TIME. I was a black-wearing, hair straightening, no eye-contact speed walker. I found that even to leave my house and dodge over to Rabba, I'd have to preen and wear something cute. I was a trembling fool in Holts because I had developed such an inferiority complex (and a well-established eating disorder too, by the way). But damn it all, I got the looks on the street.

When I first moved up north, I obviously continued with how things were down south because that's what I had grown accustomed to. I dressed up to go to the grocery store; I wore really cute outfits to the mall... and man, was it embarassing. Not only did I get looks, I got stares. Like "girl, who the hell do you think you are? we're wearing sweatpants for gods sake!" I finally understood what it was like for my camping-clothing parents to visit me in downtown Toronto... fish out of water stares. But you know, even though this image-based hot-detector in Toronto is sometimes destructive (and very, very hard to attain and maintain, if you even care to try), I miss the fact that people even care about what they look like when they leave the house. There are parts of this I can't let go of. I wear heels and skirts every day to work while coworkers wear capri pants and flip flops. Some things won't change. But you have to admit, because of all of this image-conscious obsessions in Toronto, it is a city of groomed and good looking people (generally, at least people who try to look good). With everyone in the game, competition gets pretty fierce.

Perhaps part of your "problem" in Toronto is that with image, as with other things, you are swimming in a different, more independent stream. I guarantee you that if you were to become all image-fucked-up and play the part, you'd get the Toronto looks too. But that's not you. Enjoy the hot factor you experiece everywhere else! Just travel, travel, travel and stick it to the machine!

Wow, long comment... I don't even know what I'm going on about anymore. Did I make a point?

8/30/2006 07:52:00 AM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

I think being a hottie is clearly overrated. The constant preocupation of maintaining the hottie status is bad for your mental health, and I can tell you that once you stop thinking you're a hottie, the RIGHT type of guy starts paying attention. For now, your semi-universal hottie appeal is enough so enjoy it. You're beautiful whether you're in seattle or vancouver woman! Screw the machine!

8/30/2006 09:00:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

those silly ass torontonian males!

I'm sure you'd rock several casbahs on Guam too ;)

8/30/2006 09:11:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

dun dun DUNNNNN

Beware the dating vacuum of death... Seriously, that needs to be the name of a book...

anybody else feeling that name?

Ok so here's what you do. Pilates on tour, full time, right? yes.

and then you move to somewhere you never have to buy food or drinks...

like ummm *COUGHseattleCOUGH*

and then we immerse you in everything not-so-normal and you teach us pilates in exchange.

k that sounds like a plan.. you start packing and I'll just sit here.. on my thumb.

8/30/2006 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger john said...

As someone who has lived in Minneapolis at two different times in my life (and forced to visit there often due to my parents, sister & bro still living in the area), my advice is to not move there no matter what your hotness level is in comparison. Of course, that is just my opinion (and a negative one at that), so please feel free to dismiss it.

Personally, I agree with Kathi. After a string of disappointments I swore off women all together and vowed to stop caring/looking. As soon as I did so my future wife came on to me at a party. Of course, that party was in Minneapolis, so maybe there is something to be said about that place after all...

8/30/2006 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

sweet gal: well that's true, but it's hard to remember that when i only get away from here for 72 hour furloughs about twice a year. the other 359 days i'm just unattractive and not worth flirting with.

but dude it's not even 'not so hot' it's 'not even glanced at' ... i mean at ALL. it just seems so weird to me to go from 'hot as hell' to 'can't be bothered looking' ... i found that in new york people are definetely less conscious than here BUT that when they do do it up they kick our asses.

the more i think about the gay thing the more i think it actually might have a lot to do with it. i wonder if the population skew here is putting off our perceptions. it's hard to say because vancouver is a movie town too... but see san fran isn't really and terry says they have the same problem there and those are the three gayest cities in north america.

i fear that making this comment implies some sort of lack of fondness for queers which it certainly does NOT. i live in the 'gay village' and am told my the people here that i'm queer... straight, but queer. so yeah. please don't anyone take this as a slam, it's just my usual overthinkingness.

anyway i don't think anyone would deny that gay culture has an unfortunate concentration on looks. interestingly i see that changing here as bear nights are taking on more customers than anything that's after the 'young and perfect' but here is one of the places that change tends to happen in that community.

so, yeah, i wonder.

i didn't realise that personal image in paris even was less than here, i haven't been there. in rome the women are stylish as hell, they're just a couple of years ahead of the styles is all. the only thing the italians really fuck up is their hair. good god lady all one colour red really does look like a helmet!

i wear black but not often, i never straighten my hair, i smile and nod at people i pass in the street and i stroll. i wear a trench coat with nothing under it to run out to rabba and giggle because i can tell the true villagers from the tourists (live here, night in - be in line in pyjamas/ live here, night out - look nice but still comfortable and somehow casually effortless/ tourist from scarborough - trying way too hard to look glam and thus looking lame.)

i'm sad to hear that you got an eating disorder but i remember when i came back from italy, thinner than i'll ever be again and wearing clothing that no one would see here for a year or two. man i stopped traffic. for one glorious month (before i moved) i too was hot in toronto. but who can afford a european wardrobe every year? *grin*

i had that same experience because i then moved to thunder bay. and there's everyone in their jeans and their plaid shirts and i'm wearing a black micromini and cowboy boots and stuff (it was 1990 okay?) ... they liked to look at me but they liked to look sideways at me too. and it was that same look. 'what the hell are you wearing you silly girl?' and meanwhile i was the height of slob here. hee. they thought i had an ATTITUDE! it was so cute.

you're looking for the happy medium and i'm with you. i've recently removed the baggy pants and old shirts from my wardrobe and it's a happy change. it just leaves me nothing to wear at the farm!

and maybe you're right, i'm not fitting into the image here ... except no. it's not all black anymore, i see lots of long white peasant skirts or bright green pants or whatever. still a lot of black but it's changing. or maybe i just only notice the colour...

oh would that i could travel more!

you made a stellar point actually :)

spared: i totally think being a hottie is clearly overrated but in this town i ain't even cute. i mean seriously EVERY SINGLE date i've been on in the three years since tr and i split up was initiated by me and over the internet. [and not too many since it's hard for me to manage that] and internet as in i hadn't met them yet. not one person has asked me out in that entire period [dude doesn't count if he's married or with someone else btw.] not one.

i'm not saying i have to be hot but a little action would be nice. and i don't think i'm a hottie, i think i've got a few pounds to lose and have interesting eyes. i've just noticed that in cities that aren't this one i actually get looked at. a lot.

and i love that i'm beautiful anywhere i really do, but it would be nice to live in a place where i actually get to go on dates. i'm not saying i have to find someone and fall in love in the first five minutes and have a passel of children, a white picket fence and grand kids... i am realistic... but damm girl is the occasional date too much to ask?

8/30/2006 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: the woman are just as bad if not worse.

thanks babe, you may even be right *grin*

bubbles: you know it's funny because i really did fall in love with that phrase almost as fast as it flowed out of my fingers. and yeah would that i knew what the book was about...

pilates on tour does like five events a year and does not, i believe need any more employees... and i'm not american which makes it a lot harder to work in the usa.

you think i would do all right in seattle do you?

hee 'everything not so normal' uh... yeah i have been uh... not finishing that sentence... but uh it won't be that new...

how many times have you gotten off on that thumb in the meantime?

john: trust me i am NOT moving to minneapolis. not gonna happen. just saying, even there i'm getting stared at.

i haven't 'sworn off' exactly but i find myself crushless for the first time in a long time. nonetheless thinking of asking someone out but interested and not crushing. there are some caveats so i'm still thinking on it...

but even then? i spent a long time not really looking at all after tr and i split up and no one chased me then either... read sweet gal's comment, she sums this place up well...

8/30/2006 11:07:00 AM  
Blogger JMai said...

Moving in pursuit of men who will accept your hotness... it's not a bad idea! Change of scenery is often just what a person needs.

The best thing I can tell you is, don't move to Florida. Because if you think Toronto is hot-obsessed, Florida is ... it's not normal here. I've never actually checked the statistics but I'm pretty sure 1 in 3 women has had some sort of surgical enhancement. Hell it may be higher than that.

I think the best part is that you're secure enough to know that you're a hottie. That's like more than half the battle right there.

Unfortunately, the dating vacuum of death exists in every city, as far as I know...

8/30/2006 11:36:00 AM  
Blogger RobynB said...

I think you're hot. Does that count?

8/30/2006 07:53:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jmai: it's not a bad idea but it seems like a bad REASON. moving for work or family or because i need a change? sure. moving for boys? boys i don't even know exist?

that said, i wouldn't move somewhere without seasons, or at least not for long, i need my weather, it frees me up to be moody :)

that reason for not moving to florida is even better than the same reason for not moving to LA.

yeah i guess i'm that kind of secure, i'm at least secure enough to know i'm worth dating :)

stoopid dvod.

robyn: no but it helps :)

8/30/2006 09:49:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

hmmmm. i like that theory: i'm hot everywhere but here.

but the only place i've ever really been hot was where there are large amounts of australians.

guess i should go down under? mmm hot accents

8/30/2006 11:32:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

i'm with robyn b. you are hot, sass!

and here, it's not just in the city itself that i hear the complaints about the paltry dating scene. i hear it from friends who live in the (god forbid) 'burbs, where the gay community isn't nearly as obvious or vocal. so i hesitate to think the large rainbow community here (and where you are) has anything to do with it.

it just seems that here, at least, so many people are so busy cultivating their cool city image that they often can't break out of that and be human. or something.

i really don't know what it is. i don't see this as an unfriendly place, not in the least. it's not that.

i don't know what it is.

then again, i'm too busy these days to do much thinking about it.

8/30/2006 11:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: it's better than the alternative right?

although at least two men from the cleveland area have found me attractive in the last few years...

well, geeze, australians? lucky bird ain'tcha? aussies are hotties :)

terry: thanks babe! but that wasn't really my point :)

not that i ever mind compliments!

anyway, i hear it in the burbs here but not nearly to the same extent as i hear it in the city. and dude i don't really think the rainbow folks have anything to do with it but i do think it's an interesting idea. and frankly here the queer folk care less than the straights...

yeah, that's JUST it. 'i'm too cool to actually ask people out/need friends/whatever'

yeah toronto is friendly too for sure, but somehow not that way. i don't know what it is but i know it's true.

i'm glad you're busy, it's good for you!

8/31/2006 12:25:00 AM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

Sass -

I live in Miami and aside from living in a state that can't figure out how to count votes, I share breathing space with women who have enough plastic surgery to give Barbie a run for her money.

Maybe you are in the wrong place. I don't know. I lived in Argentina and if there's any place with stuck up white chicks, it's Buenos Aires. Jennifer Lopez is a whale by their standards and having nice eyes means the guy lets you pay for the hotel. The men are equally beautiful and just as stuck up. But... eventually someone comes along who stands out and where you are when you meet them is irrelevant. Maybe it's kismet, I don't know, but I didn't see myself with my husband 15 years ago. But when I met him I realized there was no one else for me, despite our ups and downs.

I've always believed women become attractive to the "right" man when they stop trying to be attractive to all men. Self-confidence and loving yourself is a huge aphrodisiac.

8/31/2006 06:30:00 AM  
Blogger logue like vogue said...

come to guelph.

i'm already getting good dates here, after NOTHING in the stinky town for sooooo long. and, besides its nice when good looking men smile and say hi for no reason besides general friendlienss...

good music tooooooo...

8/31/2006 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

spared: the vote count thing is more disturbing than the plastic surgery, by about a quarter inch.

i don't know if i'm in the wrong place or not, i don't know if i'm in the right place or not, i just know that it sure feels good to go elsewhere and get smiled at, flirted with, hit on or at least acknowledged instead of speed walked by with an odd look at the weird girl smiling in the street.

but damm, buenos aires sounds terrible... it's really like that?

i don't think it really matters where you are but i do think that some places suck the life out of some people... and maybe toronto sucks me dry.

i don't see myself married or dating at all... that's what living here does to one. that can't be healthy can it? i mean i don't even look at the pretty men anymore. but i do believe in myself and i do like myself and i know damm well i'm a pretty cool human... and that isn't getting me anywhere either. sure you can't try to be attractive to all men, but i'm not i'm really not. i'm out there trying to be the best me i can be, living my life for myself, having fun and doing things i love and ALL of those are things i get told basically once a week that i need to do if i want to 'catch a man'

i do those things for me, but i am here to tell you that they do NOT WORK.

logue: i would if it wouldn't involve restarting a career that's just just starting to take off in a town where people aren't willing to pay for pilates at all...

but yeah, i love guelph.

how long did you live in toronto for?

and yeah, just general friendliness... god what i wouldn't give for that!

8/31/2006 12:45:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

I think you're just as hot here as anywhere else, the same as I think that there's just as much exposure to media images everywhere else as here--I mean, not as many billboards, but small towns make up for that by watching more commercial television, reading more magazines, etc.

I think the difference is in you. I think when you're away from home there's no need to have your guard up. It's "safe" to attract men away from home because it's never going to go anywhere and you'll never have to deal with the emotional baggage (yours AND his) that might arise from a mutual attraction.

Here, that's less true. You have your guard up and THAT's what turns away the menfolk. I think it'd be the same, for that reason, no matter where you went. cuz like, there you'd be.

8/31/2006 01:46:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

md: i can see what you're saying but i do think it's a little weird that here i nearly never get looked at. that said, i do see what you mean, there's a certain something that happens when we travel that frees us, it's like we know we don't have to take it seriously or for real or something.

if that were true one would think that i would do better at places like hillside or at drum circles where i'm dancing with my eyes closed right? and i don't. (unless you count drunk married men copping a feel when their wives aren't looking)

i don't feel like i have my guard up when i'm out and about but it's entirely possible that i do...

now i want someone to come out wiht me and tell me...

8/31/2006 04:21:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Oh Sass........first I'm so sorry I missed this earlier in the week.

I struggle with the same questions that you seem to be asking yourself.......

Moving isn't an option for me but if it were, I would love a fresh start.....

8/31/2006 05:05:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

you know Sass, if you didn't live in the 'gaybourhood' men might actually look at you. as things are now, men just look at other men. :)

,......please don't punish me tomorrow.....

however, it is something to think about.

btw i noticed by about age 40 that i became invisible. because i've already done all the breeding and screwing i ever ever want to do, i'm quite relieved that i've become invisible. so for me it's not an issue.

also, having gone through major disability myself, i can understand where you are coming from. you've got these years that are kind of blank and all of a sudden you are back 'out there' and, wooops, something's different. whatever you do, though, don't dye your hair blonde. maybe some nice golden red highlights. definitely.

8/31/2006 07:55:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kj: no worries, it's still the current post... i'm sort of slow in august it turns out.

why can't you move? what holds you there? and i know you have kids but i for some reason thought the ex lives sorta elsewhere...

gabi: i know, i really should get out of the hood.

why would i punish you? *evil grin*

i've started looking around for signs and something will catch my eye, in the meantime i need to save up first and last.

you got invisible huh? i wonder if that's because you wanted to get invisible or because of something that happens when women hit forty.

yeah that's just it, they're blank. i remember rationally that they happened but they weren't really there somehow. i wasn't really in them. my ex doesn't really remember them either.

i've dyed my hair blonde and it was BAD! bad bad bad

well the time when i was like 23 it was fine...


8/31/2006 11:26:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

I think moving to a different area in Toronto could be just as effective as moving to another city. (And I'd rather have you here than in some other city).

And I agree with women becoming invisible as they age. Also since I'm older and have a baby, nobody looks at me any more. sniff!

9/01/2006 12:26:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

clarity i do agree that you have a point... if i moved to queen west or something i would be around other heterosexuals a lot more often. heck i might stop assuming that everyone is gay.

and yeah, there are a lot of people to miss here and you're definetely one of them!

maybe i'm just over the hill now. i just never expected it to be at thirty five when the women i know tell me i'm 'gorgeous' or 'looking fabulous' and they look stunned while they say it.

(my skin shrank again *g*)

do you think it's the older or the baby or both?

9/01/2006 12:39:00 AM  
Blogger othercat said...

When I was a younger man, I noticed that I got checked out a lot myself. Mostly by other guys of course, but that's ok. Now, like the mature women who have passed comment, I am invisible too. The only one who gets checked out is Grendel, and that's because he's ridiculously cute. Don't feel like it's strictly a feminine problem.

9/01/2006 09:03:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

othercat: yeah i've seen pictures and you were a cutie... but you get checked out more now than you know honey.

(he has a great butt)

i'm not liking that i'm getting invisible... not at all!

(and yes, he is ridiculously cute!)

9/01/2006 09:11:00 AM  
Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

Hey sas,
First of all you are a beutiful person to be around and dats why ppl love reading your blog..

Yup everybody gets bogged down by things when they don't work out repeatedly, and it affects you as a person.

If moving to a new place for a short time, to figure out things, gives you a break from that enviornment, i would recommend that.

I used to health probs when i lived in Delhi, and could not open out much as a person. When i moved to Hyderabad for a job change, it was a new place free of my past failures, and i tried out new things. Its another story that i got a different set of failures, but i opened up more;-)

Cheers and take care

9/06/2006 09:39:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey hemant :)

i think that's what it is you know, i've gotten so discouraged that i'm not even interested in anyone right now. not even thinking twice. not looking... nothing.

ask anyone who knows me and they'll never believe it. i just ... don't have the energy and that seems wrong.

i don't know that i'll move, i have a nice life here and unless someone offers me a full time job somewhere i can't afford to move anyway. woe is me :)

i think you raise a very good point, in moving to a new place you need to free yourself from your old life and make a new one... this alone will change you in deep and lasting ways.


9/06/2006 12:09:00 PM  

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