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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

mister not so right

wow you guys, i met this guy last weekend who really blew me away ... and then he didn't.

sorry for the whole blowing the ending thing but i didn't want y'all to get excited or something. anyway mister not so right, we'll call him mnsr for short walks into my life in the volunteer/performer/media food area backstage.

and by walks i mean is standing there as i go looking for something and compliments me on my shirt.

nice shirt he says i like how it's all inside out like that
thanks i say, i love it too... it's unfortunate that the seams are fraying and it's practically new
flirt flirt flirt
i head back to my volunteer shift.

then i run into him in the backstage bar and he says something, i really don't remember what and i say that i'm in fact wearing a hot pink tie dyed skirt after all and he says he's sorry but he hadn't made it past my shirt or my eyes yet.

i know, cheesy as hell... and it totally worked.

anyway flirt flirt sass goes back to work and then runs into him on the way back to camping. he decides not to go back to the hotel [which should have been my first clue that he was a musician] and to stay on and camp and ends up hanging out with othercat and hubris and his pal a and i for the rest of the evening.

and we're talking and we're flirting all there's little bits of random touching going on and then he lets us know who he is and it turns out that othercat has his cd. it's actually bitching but i'm not sure that i want to promote it.

but it's really good.

anyway, we all hang out until the crack of dawn and then he's passing out so he heads out and he's still all nice and into me and then he just sort of poof. disappeared.

i mean i saw him again over the course of the weekend but he got less and less happy to see me and by the end of it i wasn't even there to be smiled at if he was five feet away from me.

it was really weird.

some theories abound. they include
.he has a girlfriend and just wants to see what he can get
.someone else knocked his knees out from under him when i wasn't looking
.he actually knows he fucked up but not how to fix it
.he's one of those guys that has a hyper speed relationship in his head and gets all weirded out
.i didn't try to boink him when i found out who he was
.whatever y'all say in the comments

he does have the motherfucking prettiest blue eyes though

you see this would all be fine except that his crap worked and i liked him by the end of the night. i wanted to know him better. heck i was even thinking i wanted to hold his hand.

i know, i'm twelve.

but see i'm twelve, i don't dive into bed with people and i don't play the head games and i don't even really understand them. i miss it when people are messing with me and i don't understand why perfectly nice men act all sparky with me and then disappear off the face of the planet.

if at some point the conversation got boring or we stopped having fun then maybe i would get it but no, i thought it was great. and i feel that with the last couple of events in my life that i can start drawing some conclusions.

unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be getting men's attention that i suck at.

i know, shock.

it's keeping it.

like i have them and then i just seem to weird them out somehow and you know just once i think i would like it if one of them looked at me and said 'dude you're hot and all but your brain is freaky, good luck!' [worse that he mentioned that he liked my oddness? fucking right]

or whatever. why the weird uncomfortable dance of avoidance?

did i get the look in my eyes? is that it? did you think i saw babies with your eyes?

funny that, since i only see other people's babies in my eyes. oh there were so many beautiful men with their families and their children at hillside. there is something that makes me inexplicably happy about seeing happy men playing with their children.

and i know that gabi thinks that those are the wimps but some of them looked pretty manly to me. course eyes lie.

i just don't get it.

i completely understand hitting on a chick to get her to boink you. i totally do. but he didn't do any of that, he didn't try to cop a feel or get me to kiss him behind the tent or anything.

he did touch me gently on my arm and my waist and the small of my back
he did compliment my oddness
he did look into my eyes and smile
he did discuss that he liked me
he did laugh and hang with my friends and i all night
he did have a side conversation going with me at all times

he did things that men do when they like women rather than when they want to fuck them. was i supposed to catch some hint that i missed?

and i get it, i get that you can meet someone and dig on them for a while and then decide that maybe no. i do get it really. but why do they always decide no?

why do you work so hard to get my attention if you don't actually want it? are you just after making it harder for some guy who actually likes me for real? is it fun to find nice women and play them just because you can?

seriously why bother?

ah well mnsr, thanks for another brick in the wall... at least it's only a small one.
so tempted to email him this post... because yeah, being twelve i still googled him when i got home so now i have his email address if i want it... *sigh*


Blogger Casually Me said...

From a guy's perspective, he was looking to get laid. While trying to get laid, he found out that you were so much more than the average woman he meets, and he moved on. But of course, I could be wrong...

8/02/2006 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Could be, but probably not.

Ok, two years then if still no one I'm afraid we're going to have to take you in. ;)

8/02/2006 11:19:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cas: but he didn't try at ALL to get laid cas. he did first date things and not casual sex things. oh geeze that sounds lame but i think you know what i mean.

i guess i like the idea of being more... but that's not too nice to the average woman.

matt: could be what?

what will your wife think when an amazonian italian chick shows up at your doorstep?

8/02/2006 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger Madame X said...

My guess?
Him being a musician and all?
You didn't stroke his ego enough, you didn't coo and drool all over him, you didn't drop to your knees and worship at the alter of his penis...the list goes on.

Basically you are too good for him and he knew it.

8/02/2006 11:48:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

madame: if that's true it makes me want to hurl. why even pretend to be a good guy if that's what you want? this is a HIPPIE festival, it's not like there isn't sex to be had after all.

but if i were really too good for him wouldn't he try to boink me just cause?

his most recent album is a heartbreak album... just to throw that in the mix.

8/02/2006 01:05:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

look at it this way: you're being spared further heartache by not getting involved with dudes who DO play games.

i never will understand those silly games.

8/02/2006 01:20:00 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

Well besides that fact that men are a pain in the butt, and can be a bit mentally slow. Maybe he was scared. Men do scare easily. Maybe he was looking for a one night stand and actually like and respected you and decided that he couldn't do it. Instead of facing that attraction, he hides to insure he can't get hurt.

Just a thought.

Have a good day Sass!

8/02/2006 01:26:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i'd say he's not worth the concern or the effort of even clicking send.

it stings, it hurts, you wonder what the shit went wrong, but in the end does it matter?

take it for what it is: you had a fantastic night with a fantastic guy.

the end.

men are assholes. amen.

8/02/2006 01:26:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

I totally missed you last post cause blogger didn't update. Every time that I went to your blog it was still hillside. Dude...that sucks. But I am caught up now.

Anyway. If that had happened to me, I would be trying to figure all if it out as well. And the thing is? As much as I love trying to decode what happens and why people do the weird things they do... sometimes there is no telling and unless you can call him and ask, all we have are guesses.

I hate it when people pull that shit. I mean, sure it's quick like a band-aid but there is also no warning and you don't know why the bandage that was just applied is now being removed.

And then you wonder if they wonder what happened. Because maybe they thought it was you that changed. I don't know.

I am hoping I don't have to deal with this ever again.


8/02/2006 02:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Princess Valium said...

Maybe he was just flirting. Some people are chronic flirts. Some people are so pathological they flirt with men, women, straight, gay, taken, whatever. Some aren't even aware of this proclivity (my ex-friend S for example).

Maybe when you flirted back he was all 'OMG, this chick is into me' and had no idea why you amped up the personal attention and then bailed.

Or maybe he was just into getting laid and you didn't fork it out.

In any case, it's nothing worth wasting precious mental energy (at a premium considering the furnace we're living in) on. Men and women act in curious and inexplicable ways. It's not like you have a friendship or any other tie. Forget about it.

Sorry if I sound harsh... I don't mean to. But considering some of the heinous treatment you've received at the hands of other men over the past six months, this one is hardly a blip on the radar. There are worthier objects for your energy/rage/whatever.

8/02/2006 02:30:00 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

Sass...he's a musician they are not like normal people.

8/02/2006 02:54:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Sass - was responding to Casually.

Well, if it's not a surprise (which it certainly wouldn't be)...


"Come on in!"

8/02/2006 03:23:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry i'm not really upset about this, i'm a little bummed because i actually feel interested enough to want to date a guy about four times a year and about one in forty of those want to date me... so you know, with my odds and all.

but i'm not mad or feeling sorry for myself or anything i'm just confused, like what the fuck is the point?

leigh: i want to believe that men are a pain in the butt but i know too many good ones. i should just change it to 'men i'm attracted to are assholes even when they play nice'

yeah that's it


funnily enough leigh i'm sorta leaning in that direction myself... it's because he looked a bit embarassed when i caught him alone and was nice to him.

it's too hot to be good, that it doesn't suck is good enough!

8/02/2006 04:30:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: i think that and then i think you know what if when i did something asinine someone sent me the blog post of their perspective? and i think it might change me for the better slightly. and then it seems worth it.

it's not like i can get more embarassed.

in the end it does not matter in the slightest and if i did send it to him i wouldn't expect a reply. it would be a lot like another letter you proofed for me once.

it was a great night though.

men who are hot for me on first meeting are assholes... or something.

nat: you know i wondered because that last post got far fewer comments then i expected. course i'm never right about these things :)

i can't help trying to figure out, friday night was a textbook definition of stories you tell grandkids, right down to jokes about our future grand kids. i don't have too many of those and none of them end like this.

and i don't think i'm calling him to ask but i might just send him this post... it's looking more like it by the hour really. but yeah, people are strange.

yes, that's just it... why did you bother getting me all interested if all you were going to do was walk away. i mean isn't that a waste of energy at an otherwise happy place?

and yeah, then you wonder that. and that's the bit that sucks the most.

(i'm hoping you aren't too)

PV: well i can totally grok flirting, but somewhere around hour four in a row that you hang with someone when you make a crack about being odd and they look over at you and tell you they like your weirdness? you're allowed to think it's maybe going to progress past flirting.

if you're me? you're fucking wrong of course. if you're your X friend S then you're probably gone by then right? you don't just keep hanging out do you?

but no for sure in this case the flirting was mutual. we were seriously making jokes about telling our grandkids the story of my shirt and crap like that. it was way past sort of misunderstandable stuff and fully into 'i'm digging you' (which he said something like at oh 2 am or so)

i get being into getting laid but there wasn't any move in that direction. not one try at all. not even a try for kissing. just lots of touching and admiring and implying interest that doesn't seem to have been there.

i like wasting mental energy, it's that or lie on my couch and sweet and weep! that said? as my life goes this one will be forgotten in a few days. it's not going to leave my filters clogged or anything like the guy last winter.

you don't sound harsh, you sound realistic :)

8/02/2006 04:43:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

A man who was confusing, not sure what he wanted or lost interest cause he didn't get it? Could it be?
What's more likely is that you being the honest and decent person you are took his (to use cas's verbal example)wanting to get laid tactics as 'you're something special' actions.
Me? I'm thinking I'd just done him in the bushes and been done with him...but that's just me.

Mind sending me his website addy? Just curious, you know...like a cat.

8/02/2006 06:04:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: here's the thing, i might well have taken him up on it if he'd tossed a pass but we'll never get to know that now will we?

the thing is i've gotten moves from men who just want to fuck before and usually they at least try something before they just walk away you know? otherwise it's just weird.

the bushes were tempting yes.

i don't know, check your email and see if i mind or not *g*

8/02/2006 06:10:00 PM  
Blogger factory_peasant said...

NEDM? i think he was suffering from NEDM. yep.

8/02/2006 08:58:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

Lol @ "I know, I'm twelve." Dude, we're all twelve sometimes. Hell, sometimes I've four and a half.

But being 31 and a much more rationally inquisitive person, I think I WOULD email him the post and see what he has to say. Because even if nothing comes of it but an answer, that would be *almost* as good as an email back with apologies and genuine wishes to get together for whatever. Right?

I have to say that I just went up and read the comments after I wrote those two paragraphs... and I kind of agree with Madame X. It's like that weird guy who just popped out of the bushes when Nat and I went to see James Blunt and this other guy opened instead of him and he was really good so Nat went to buy his CD and then BOOM there's some freaky stalky guy offering to sign the CD and we're both like... um who are you? I think they want the recognition ...more than that, the adoration... and get kinda primadonnaish and pissy if you don't give it up.

Then again, maybe Princess V is right and he's just a chronic flirt. Yes, even after 4 hours. It's like a drug and chronic flirts aren't flirting with the intent of making it go further, they're just flirting cause it feels good. And don't you like doing things that feel good for extended periods of time?

But yeah I might think about sending him this post just for the opportunity of taking that last brick back out of the wall. You don't usually get what you don't ask for.

And welcome back, lady!! I'm sorry I've been lame around reading posts (and for that matter, writing them) lately. Busybusy.

8/02/2006 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger othercat said...

A friend of mine spent a lot of energy trying to get a rock band going a few years ago. His older brother was having some success with a band I won't name, and I guess he though he could get laid by being in a rock band. He lovingly accompanied his girlfriend to social gatherings, but he always kept an eye out for available females on the side.

It's thoroughly loathsome behaviour as far as I am concerned. Fortunately he grew up and figured out that monogamy is not such a bad state. He has made amends for treating a lot of women like mere objects by treating his current partner with a lot more respect.

Your brief flirtation reminded me of my friend. I'm glad you weren't just used and discarded like many women my friend encountered.

With regards to your other commenters saying "All men are assholes", I beg to differ. Some of us recognize that sexual partners have feelings as well as orifices. It's too bad more men don't.

8/02/2006 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

peasant: um

i'm trying but i'm not figuring out what nedm is...

never ever date musicians?

jmai: nice! 4.5 seems like an awesome age!

yeah i'm that same sort of rationally inquisitive myself and i can't really stop wondering about this sort of thing once i start. well i can, but the question remains in the black hole portion of my brain forever.

i think it's cute how you assume he'll even answer, but i'm still going to send it. now if you were me and he said 'oh i'm an ass, let's go on a date...' would you go?

i guess it's possible that all musicians are ego stroke junkies but that seems about as unfair as saying that all pilates instructors are skinny. it may be the way to bet or maybe it isn't even that...

i love doing things that feel good for extended periods of time, i would just have kept flirting and seen what dating feltlike... but i'm weird that way *g*

even if the brick stays there's something satisfying about saying 'look what you did!'

thanks for the whole welcome back thing and all :) i miss you guys when i'm away...

othercat: now i'm trying to think of whom it is. like really wondering.

i know a lot of men who do that search for a fling while they're with a woman thing... and it cracks me up to hear them talk about how suspicious women are not five minutes later.

i'm glad to hear that he's grown up and i think i in fact know who you're referring to now that i think on it. regardless, i'm glad to hear that he's moved on from his lotharioish ways... there's enough of those already.

i'm glad i wasn't used and discarded too oc, although i wouldn't have slept with him at that point even if he'd asked. he was flirting you agree? :)

i don't agree that all men are assholes either by the way :)

8/03/2006 12:16:00 AM  
Blogger factory_peasant said...

never ever date musicians. heh. that's good. but, no that's not what NEDM is about. NEDM is definitely what ails your recent acquaintance though.



8/03/2006 02:40:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

I'm leaning toward him being both an idiot and an asshole ...

8/03/2006 06:47:00 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

He's an idiot who wanted to get laid and when you didn't drop your pants for him, his ass side showed and he backed off.

I want to hold hands too

8/03/2006 07:04:00 AM  
Blogger JMai said...

If he answered? Yeah I think I would go out with him. I mean if he was cute and fun and flirty and it was all good but for the freakout, then why not? I know a lot of people will disagree with that but I've taken a whole new approach to dating in the past year and sort of think it's like the stock market. No reward without risk.

Of course the stock market also could come tumbling down on your measly mutual fund shares but you know, it was still a fun ride and you learned something.

But maybe that's just me.

8/03/2006 07:42:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

peasant: i'm glad you're amused. i still don't really get it but some of those videos are hilarious.

dzer: yeah but that's too easy right?

kj: but kris he never asked me to sleep with him or implied anything. and it's clear within oh an hour of talking to me that i'm not the easy type so why did he stick around so long?

i love over analysis... is that wrong?

*sigh* holding hands. funny how truly nice that sounds huh?

8/03/2006 08:26:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jmai: i don't expect him to answer and i definetely don't expect him to want to date me, but i did send him the post and a two line email that said something like 'you might find this interesting' or whatever.

he was cute and fun and flirty and it was all good until he disappeared all weekend yes... and i do see your point. i don't know, it would depend on what was said for me. you know, how much smoke was sent up my ass *grin*

i don't have any shares in the stock market... maybe that's my problem (hee!)

no i get what you're saying, take risks, what do you have to lose.

8/03/2006 08:38:00 AM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

i don't get it. why can't you just flirt like the rest of humanity? why do you have to start imagining walking up the aisle? having children? i think that's kind of unrealistic, ya know.

if it's about getting laid and nothing else, be glad. be very glad. he went off to find someone who would fulfill that desire and he wasn't going to waste anymore of his time. good for him. there's people who want nothing more than sex and then there's others. ... aren't you glad he didn't get all miserable on you?

really, to be honest, he wasn't worth dignifying with an entry on your blog much less sending him a copy. fechhh. why give him the power?

8/03/2006 05:30:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

i can't wait to hear if/how he responds...

and yeah, i know what you mean about how the guys who actually interest you are few and far between.

8/03/2006 10:41:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Everyone here has a valid point and their ideas of the what if's could all be correct. I hate those what happeneds' they suck and not in a good way.

All I can do dude is say that how he handled himself was childish and lame and I am sorry that he disappointed you. *hug*

8/03/2006 10:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gabi: honest babe all i did was flirt. well and touch him back :) there was no anticipatory babies i promise *grin*

i usually think ahead to like the first date is about it :)

hey i don't really care regardless, and frankly i just wish people would be straight up about what they're after. life would be a lot easier.

dude i never like to assume people are worthless just because i don't like how they treated me... and it's a blog, you're supposed to write about random things, and his behaviour got me curious about motivation so i wrote about it.

i like telling people when they disappoint me, maybe one person will get nicer because of it. i feel empowered when i do things like that. why do you think it's handing over power? i like your perspective cause it's way sideways of mine :)

terry: i like that you assume i would tell you *lmao*

i don't think i'm picky, i just happen to not find many people interesting... and seriously i can't think of that many men that were into me either... a few, but the number is very small. what are the odds of those things matching up right?

hunee: yup. although othercat agrees with me that he didn't do any 'wanna get laid' actions... and he was there.

i hate what happeneds... if you just knew you could forget it and move on. instead you wonder.and it clogs up your black hole. [what i call the spot in my brain i chuck shit in when i don't know what to do with it... and sometimes it chucks answers out]

he did disappoint me you're right. i hadn't put that word to it as of yet.

8/04/2006 12:23:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

of course you're going to tell us!! you can't tease us like this.

can you?


and yeah, i'm feeling you on the other thing. it's one thing for a guy to catch your eye. and quite another for them to catch your mind.

8/04/2006 01:23:00 AM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

I think that MNSR found a lot more person in you than a one time fling does justice to and so he moved on. I doubt he would or could have explained that. Why? Cuz opening that conversation would have allowed your input, which he didn't want, it was his decision and he made it, which sucks for you and works for him. This happens a lot with guys. We don't take council, and we accept the ramifications of our actions. Sometimes that means apologies and sometimes that means silence until an apology. I'm certain if you had asked him WTF, that he would have said as much. However, because you didn't call him on his behaviour that is his sign that you were ok with his choice and voila, mutual move on.

And I agree with the others, a lot of guys like to flirt. I'm a chronic flirt. There is a line which doesn't get crossed and if it does then we back up immediately and call it. There is a small thrill from flirting with a woman, especially a stranger that you have just met. When the line doesn't get crossed I don't see a problem with this. Now for single guys, that line is what you dance on to see if things are worth pursuing.

As for over analysis being a bad thing: it seems to be a universal human trait. So how can it be bad? We mull shit over till it makes sense or we get to a place with it that we can live with. Neither bad nor good.

8/04/2006 03:28:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: for serious he's not going to read it or answer my email, i'm just glad i sent it to him. more women should tell men when they don't like their behaviour.

and terry? yes, yes i am

(i added your last line to my quotes database btw)

pyr: hrm interesting. i never thought that the act of not protesting was how a woman consented to the mutual moving on. i figured i just didn't play hard to get enough or something.

i just find it interesting that everyone here is pretty firmly on the side of 'he's an asshole' and i don't really get that. i mean i know lots of men that aren't asses, why are y'all so willing to call them that? what if he thinks i'm an asshole for some reason right?

anyway the general consensus in my non blog social circle is that he has a girlfriend.

and see i can get the flirt thing for sure but don't change your evening's plans to hang out with me or i'm going to think you're into me rather than that i'm a nice distraction from the girl back home. at what point do you consider the line crossed anyway? how do we know where the line is for everyone? where's yours?

i love dancing on that line...

yeah, i'm into overanalysis just that way myself.

8/05/2006 01:13:00 AM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

I don't think that this guy was an asshole at all. I think that he was a normal guy. And having a girlfriend could very well be.

The line is different between people. The line is mutual and found as the two of you get to know each other. For some people the line is different depending on who they are with, or if they are on the phone, or via email, or chit chattin live over coffee. Of course alcohol can test that line into uncharted waters and that scene can be interesting for lack of a better word.

Have you ever noticed that your comments usually double the length of your posts! And hell Sass, that's sayin somethings!

8/05/2006 01:26:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: dammit i commented on this. i totally did and it's gone. drat. ah well.

thanks for that, i was feeling all out in the wilderness not thinking he was an asshole. baffling yes for certain but i didn't think he was an ass.

the girlfriend thing feels possible or he just likes to do that.

i like your take on the line, i tend to describe it as a fork myself. the moment when a man and a woman realise that they're going to be friends or lovers. sometimes it takes a long time to get there.

oh man booze is funny funny stuff!

i've noticed that and i think it's a testament to how cool my commenters are!

8/05/2006 01:46:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

wow... i'm quotable??


and i still hope he responds to what you wrote...

8/05/2006 02:47:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: fucking right you are. that was an excellent line.

heh *giggles at the snoopydance*

look i'm not saying i don't want him to respond just that i don't expect him to. i'm no challenge right?

8/05/2006 02:03:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

I'm coming to this discussion late, but here's my $0.02.

Its a gross generalization but musicians are known for having one night stands while on the road whether or not they have a girlfriend back home.

Maybe he expected more of a reaction from you when he revealed who he was? Maybe he was even disappointed you didn't recognize him and he had to tell you who he was?

My theory is he wanted to get laid, but was waiting for you to 'ooohh' and 'awww' over him first. Especially if he had a girlfriend. You throw yourself at him then the resulting fling is not really his fault, is it?

Either that or he realized he was getting more than he bargained for with you (ie. hot and has a brain) and bailed when he recognized you were not one night stand material.

8/05/2006 10:06:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

clarity i have a recent comments hack for a reason. and it's so people can come to discussions late if they need to :)

i've known a lot of musicians and it was definetely true for some of them. probably not as high a percentage as that of travelling salesmesen though *grin*

no you're right, it's a stereotype with truth in it.

no he said he liked that i met him before i knew who he was.

that's a nice theory but doesn't feel true, i'd love it to be that though. well it feels truer if he has a girlfriend... but if he's single that wasn't it :)

well i'm not, usually.. but hillside leads to doing things that 'aren't yourself' so he shouldn't really assume. besides, can't hot and has a brain also want to fuck? i mean it wasn't offered at all clarity that's the odd bit.

ah well *shrug* i suspect we'll never know.

8/06/2006 02:54:00 PM  
Anonymous gut chick said...

I really have to agree with Clarity on this one--if you made the first move, well then you were coming on to him, what was he supposed to do??

8/06/2006 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gut chick: harrumph

that makes sick kinds of sense

and it pisses me right off.

8/06/2006 07:36:00 PM  
Blogger logue like vogue said...

i think he was too much of a coward to hit on you. i think if you had hit on him, you could have both enjoyed a nice one night stand.

being mr. nsr, his lifestyle pretty much dictates that more than a one nighter is basically impossible...

be flattered by his attentions, and move on with the joy in your heart that you are open and available for Mr. Actually Right.

(easy for me to say. have i told you about falling in love with my handsome rockstar? he didn't even lead me on or tease me and i am still smitten years later. talk about damaged. save yourself, i beseech you.)

8/06/2006 11:04:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

logue: i'm not minding that that din't happen by the way, i just find his behaviour thoroughly wierd and inexplicable.

i think i just keep making the mistake of believing people mean what they say and thinking men who are attracted to me are sane.

clearly not wise.

i'm sure that the whole musician thing does dictate that, but it also doesn't. some musicians successfully have relationships and some don't. in his case i don't know how much he tours so i can't comment.

i was lfattered i guess but in the long run i would rather he hadn't bothered. crap like that just renders one less available and open.

oh honey i can tell you all about several handsome whatevers in my history that wasted huge chunks of my life. don't worry, i won't be reading mr. nsr's web forums in desperate hope of finding out he'll be here next week or something... it's hard though cause i enjoyed his set and would otherwise stick him in my list of artists to see when htey come around...

ah well.

now i'm curious who your rockstar is :)

8/06/2006 11:33:00 PM  
Blogger Spill The Beans said...

My little tidbit of advice is just this...dating is a numbers game. we all have things on our list that we are searching for in that perfect Mr/Ms Right. I went on a few dates and things were moving along fine, and then the guy would make a single comment or two, and I'd be like..."next."

It is hard, if you are a cerebral/quirky chick, to find the right kinds of guys. But don't give up. If it doesn't happen, men are like trains...there's always another one coming along in an hour or so. Don't take it personally, and don't go running after him if he's not enough into you to pursue you.

You're worth being pursued, IMHO.

You had fun, but there was no love connection. Let it go and keep your eyes open for the next opportunity.


8/07/2006 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

trouble: i agree with that, it's unfortunate that so few men actually get my attention or the numbers would be a lot easier to play. and since i don't get past the first day or two with men i'm attracted to it leaves me with no numbers to play.

i is doing something wrong but i don't know what it is :)

i'm definetely a quirky chick and that does make dating ridiculous but i also don't play hard to get enough and i think that's killing me.

i used to run, then i moved to the make yourself available to be chased train and now i'm just not on the fucking train. if you want me come after me, otherwise i have a life.

thanks babe, i like to think so!

it was fun for sure, and i don't mind that there wasn't, i just find his behaviour so odd that i had to write a post about it :)

8/07/2006 03:38:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...


I really, really think that if he was dropping all those hints and you didn't make any progressive moves (like, perhaps holding his hand when you wanted to) he thinks he struck out.

I don't think it's necessarily about the fact that you don't jump right into bed (though i usually do -I like fucking- so I don't REALLY know) but that you don't send these guys enough positive feedback and after they've sent a few good clear messages like touching you and complimenting you, they assume you aren't interested.

It is, in fact, a problem I've faced in the past, being afraid to step it up just a little and letting attractions idle for months at a time before they either sputter out and die or I wind up with something along the lines of: "hey, it occurred to me that it might be fun to fuck, you in?"

8/09/2006 02:17:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

but dude i was all inviting him to hang out with me and touching him back. not as much as he was touching me but still doing it nonetheless. it got strange sometime after hubris woke up but i can't put my finger on when.

that said? yeah next time i'll just hold someone's hand when i want to. even if it feels weird.

i think you're right about the positive feedback and yet sort of not at the same time. i do all sorts of making myself available verbally and with my time but i don't seem to have retained the part where you touch them or whatever so they grok that you're not being friendly.

i literally have forgotten or never learned how to go from getting their attention to holding it.

i think he knew i was interested, at least at first... i don't know it's all weird, i'll tell the tale over beer if you ever ask

but i don't know, i can't put my finger on it but i'm starting to sense a pattern. and dude i've so done that myself, and sometimes i have stepped up and gotten stepped on so *shrug*

dating sucks.

i like your directness, i should practise it more.

8/10/2006 12:27:00 AM  
Blogger mightydoll said...


I've never gotten a no to that question, but then, I've never gotten a long term relationship out of it either...Or longer than a few months.

Some people are really bad at telling when others are flirting back...especially if it doesn't cross to the physical.

I myself tend to look at actions over words, and not just actions as in spending time with someone. Heck...Hubris and I spent a whole evening chatting personably and I was still pretty sure it was a no go. ;)

8/10/2006 04:24:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

md you know that's interesting... because lately i've been musing on just how well it works when the woman makes the first move. most men say it takes the fun out of it.

and yet i remember hubris' response to the end of your first date and it seems you did just the perfect right thing.

i'm really bad at flirting back without turning into some overly available doormat. there's some trick i missed learning. i excel at the early flirting though.

why did you think it was a nogo with hubris that first night anyway?

8/11/2006 01:19:00 AM  
Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

I have become more of a blog commenter than a blogger, so readable are ur blogs(Btw i have been busy lately so don't blog much, but it is easier to post comments, a context is already there)

I think the two of u got along so well coz ur emotional psyche matched very well.But somewhere, his mind came up with a no. I don't know what the reason is, but i think he would also be sorry that it couldn't work out. Men have traditionally been taught/conditioned to be chivalrous, brave and do not display emotions/thoughts as openly as they should.(I do love reading ur blog, partly because i am not so good at expressing myself) Maybe datz why he didn't respond.

I think the smile has disappeared on his face, because what he thought to be casual fun, became more serious than he wanted it to/is prepared for. He wants to back out, coz he knows since he cannot go the whole way, it will hurt both of you(or even worse, it would hurt you more), and he doesn't want that.

I think over-analysis is bad coz you never know what actually happened, you try to figure it out, and try to "learn" something from it. Different ppl have different viewpoints, and they don't necessarily converge. No one knows exactly wat was the reason, but we like guessing at it. Since you give respect and love to everybody here, everyone feels good. I think that you shouldn't analyze too much. You like yourself as the way you are, all of us like you, there is nothing more that you need to do, its gonna happen, don't be too conscious of the past, think too much.

I also think, that you might have started this blog, just to understand whatz going on, but the blog has over time become more of a living organism surviving in an ecosystem of its own. Ppl give nourishment to it whenever they have time, but it you who is always there for it. Ppl will go away, when they have more important things to attend, but are you missing out on something more important bcoz of this blog? It is a very good way of expressing urself and getting feedback, but i think it should not become an end in itself, unless you consciously aware of it/allow it to.

Btw if your black hole sometimes becomes too dark, try out some meditation, i did some courses from Art of Living foundation and am consciously trying not to let my mind rumble too much.

Disclaimer: The thoughts of the author change from time to time, that is why he is kinda afraid of blogging again. Please use them as you see fit. He freely gives his opinion to people coz he doesn't need it;-)


8/11/2006 06:33:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hemant: i started my blog because i was bored one day and my sister was at an internet cafe and reading her daily round from the office. it took a while. so i read her blog and then i started one. it was probably eight or ten months before i read a blog other than hers or mine.

i could understand a man not responding except he was chasing me right up until he was running away from me. i want to know why the about face. what made the turn around? it's probably something i don't even care about but i want to know what it is.

that said, i don't do casual fun well and that may well have been it. no matter what i do i'm clearly a 'serious' girl. that tends to get some fast sprints happening. that said, i am responsible for my own hurt, why not just be open with me?

the blog is absolutely an entity of it's own at this point, in fact that's what i like about it. the people that come here are shaping the growth of me with their thoughts and comments and i them. that's cool stuff.

am i missing out on something? maybe but i don't see it if it's there.

i like blogging, it's like therapy for me. that said? it is turning me way more introspective....

i usually do breathwork when my mind is rumbling but i'm looking into a meditative form of yoga.

disclaimer: me too. i am not responsible for anything i wrote more than a month ago!

8/14/2006 02:01:00 AM  
Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

i dont't have anything against ur blog. i infact love reading it(urs is the only blog i follow). But i think sometimes, it does not help to be too introspective and inquisitive. I write this because i used to and to a certain extent do wonder too much upon why things happen. I guess it might have helped me understand people and maybe myself a bit more than what i understood earlier. The downside of that is that when i used to look at people,and see something amiss, i felt like pointing it out. i had a terribly bad experience doing something like that. At that point of time, i became too reflective and could not focus on the present moment and get on with life. I still do ponder on things, but i am getting out of the habit of compulsively pondering on anything and everything. I have a bit more of action and focus on the present in my life now, and life is more balanced for me. Now this may not be the case with you, but this is what it looked like, hence the direction of the post.

8/22/2006 03:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hemant i didn't think you had anything against my blog, in fact it's flattered by your attentions. i'm the only one you read? dayumm... thank you.

the only thing i'm bad at taking action with is men. otherwise i tend to do the necessary, but i can see why you would think that sort of thing.

what's funny is that teaching has helped me to let go of the 'something amiss' problem. now that i teach i can do that for work and then there's not so much pressure the rest of the time...


8/22/2006 09:51:00 PM  

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