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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, July 31, 2006

seven year itch

.
there's a reason that seven is a lucky number and that people discuss seven year cycles and multiples of seven and that your body takes something like seven years to replace all your cells except the ones in your brain. [i may have that last one wrong]

seven is a long time and a short time depending on what you're measuring.

when i did my first hillside festival it was the summer of nineteen ninety-nine and i was in the ski patrol and there to do first aid and i was in the middle of a divorce. needless to say the festival blew my mind.

in fact? i went home and quit my job.

i think i was supposed to find that place, i think it was instrumental to my development as a human being and to saving me after my car accident. those people showed me that the way was there.

they showed me that i could be a better person simply by choosing to act organically and to consider the ripples before i threw pebbles.

they taught me that i was calm.

*wanders off to look at this gallery*

they helped me redefine mellow

and cranky.

they helped me learn to let other people's misery roll off me and sink into the planet for filtering.

they showed me that even i wasn't opposed to casual nudity.

i learned there that you get what you expect nearly always.

they helped me to free the dancer inside me. the one i had never met but had always suspected was there. and every year they free her a little more.

they demonstrated that communication beats shouting every time and they taught me to be better at it.

they raised my standards for myself.

in other words, over the seven years that i've known this festival i've changed all my cells, and because i changed the person making the cells i'm a new person now. and this was my eighth hillside festival and last thursday was seven full years since i met hillside.

and before i would go there and see this possible me for three days or so and then i would come home and try to find her in my daily life and she wasn't really there. well it turns out that she was coming.

i know this because this year i went to hillside and i was still just me, i didn't turn into someone else or better me or whatever. i didn't have to get myself to vibrate on a higher level just to fit with these enlightened souls.

so i guess i've graduated in some way and thus this year was an evolution year.

and it was kind of bittersweet.

instead of taking it away for the weekend and showing me perfect possible life/me the festival this year gave me a miniature of my life in three days. right down to a passable imitation of the most recent guy i was intrigued by at the climbing gym and a hyperspeed sample of the evolution of our relationship.

seriously there's no more to tell don't get excited.

i am fortunate that he wasn't into me back that guy at the gym.

anyway, i just saw my life from the outside in some sort of inexplicable way. lights got shined into dust covered corners. and it's interesting that lately i've been cleaning my home and that i'm planning a fast.

it's further interesting that someone did a tarot reading on me (one of the only people i know i would take even remotely seriously at such a thing) and basically said that i have to live in the moment and that it's evolving time. i need to figure out what's holding me back and just step through the wide open doorway that i can't see because i'm standing in it.

and somehow that's what hillside told me too.

go sass! go forth and...

and...

um.

shit

yeah that's the problem, i don't know what i'm supposed to go forth and do. i don't know because i've healed my body and then i healed my mind but i haven't healed my soul.

i still have these wounds that are sitting there and festering a little because i haven't released them.

i have beliefs and expectations that are coloring my realities because i haven't let them go.

i have bullshit clogging my filters and i haven't gotten all the scum out yet.

basically it's time to heal the spirit and i'm sort of afraid to start because it's going to be so much more work than anything else was. the body healed and that got the mind healing but the spirit.

yeah.

i walked around this weekend like a wraith and it got harder and harder to talk until by today i couldn't articulate words without sounding like a bitch. i wasn't trying to, it's just that it was so hard to speak that i had to make this great big effort just to get my voice to come out and thus it came out sounding wrong.

it's such a strange head space to be in. i was there. it was wonderful and i am fully blissed out. but i've talked about that already, go read last year's posts if you want to hear about that part of it because all of that is still there.

but my head is, if anything, less clear than it was when i left.

now since you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs it's probably good that my mental closet is a mess because now i can see what's behind and under all the neat piles but. yeah.

eggs are messy and hard to clean up and it's nice being on this even keel thing i have going.

ahhh hillside, fuck you for giving me what i need instead of what i want. and for teasing me with the latter just to reinforce the lesson.

you know i can only talk like that about you because i love you right?

right?

cause hillside baby, you and i are in this for the long haul.

22 Comments:

Anonymous gabriella said...

pssst, mongolians consider the number 7 to be bad luck. go for number 8. that will round things out nicely. :)

i'm reading Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World. that's where i found out.

(she ducks quickly as a cordless mouse is thrown at her head. ;))

7/31/2006 11:48:00 PM  
Blogger Jon said...

Sounds like a great weekend. Now back to the "casual nudity"...

8/01/2006 12:11:00 AM  
Blogger RobynB said...

go forth and.... keep going!

hugs

8/01/2006 12:15:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

but look at how much you've changed in in the past seven years...

wow. you should be amazed and impressed. i am.

and in seven more years, you'll look back and be amazed and impressed again.

sometimes it's good -- although disconcerting -- to get those reminders that we're not fully cooked yet.

and really, if we ever ARE fully cooked... doesn't that suggest the end is near?

(i should probably not be commenting after consuming a couple of my own cosmos.)

8/01/2006 12:48:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

I think that if your ever at a point where the body, mind and soul are all healed AT THE SAME TIME, the journey is over.....sounds like a good time was had!

8/01/2006 04:11:00 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

You know, I was sitting here trying to think of the right words to say to you and then I glance up and read debambam's comment and I totally agree with that.......

8/01/2006 06:35:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gabi: do they really? that's awesome.

personally i prefer the number eight to the number seven, but i prefer thirteen and seventeen to either of them :)

damm girl you really are a nerd huh?

(can't throw the mouse, it has a cord) :)


jon: sometimes it's easier to change in front of your tent then in your tent. some years i cover with a sarong... some years i don't.

also there are folks who skinny dip.


robyn: yeah, that might just be it.

8/01/2006 06:45:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: a lot that's for sure. i'm hardly even recognizeable.

and yes, i'm impressed and stunned and can't believe the differences in my life since that first festival. i'm not sure that girl and i have anything in common anymore :)

oh man buffy references! does this mean that i'm cookie dough? *grin* and yes, it's freaking excellent to get reminders like that.

well maybe it means the end is near... or maybe it means that there's another layer of onion to peel off?


deb: well yes that's probably true... but i have a lot of things to heal my spirit of and i'm really only talking about the more recent stuff. i don't know that you can heal all the way...

and yes, it was awesome. well mr. wrong sorta pissed me off but that was a lesson too...


kj: heh. i've had that happen a few times in bloglife :) morning!

8/01/2006 06:50:00 AM  
Blogger Johnny Canuck said...

I've been getting a lot of 'What did you think of THIS year's festival' questions this week. You know, "Was it (better, softer, rockier, hippier, ceremonier, hotter, wetter, indier, lamer, localer) than previous years???". That sort of thing.

And I don't know what to tell people.

It was...Hillside. It had that very familiar, same-old friendly feel that Hillside has, AND it was completely different. Lots of new people, new foods, new walkways, new trees, and LOTS of new music. Just, Hillsidey.

You know those friends who you must have talked with about every possible subject over the years, yet you STILL find stuff to talk about every time you meet? Hillside's a bit like that sort of friend. Comfy AND exciting.

And sweaty. A very sweaty friend. Eww.

Glad I got to see you Sass, even if for a teeny bit, and glad you had a Hillside, whatever kind of Hillside it was for you!

Johnny!

P.S.: Madre de Dios!! I'm actually IN one of those photos that you gallery-linked!! Crazy!

8/01/2006 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

johnny: yes that's exactly it for me too. it was a lovely hillside, happy and mellow and relaxed and people were really in the mood to get along with each other or something.

but it wasn't different really, i mean it was, new people and new bands and new paths and different food and all that but it was still just... hillside.

and it's just like that kind of friend for me too, very comfy and yet SO EXCITING AND AWESOME! :)

man was it hot this year, i went in the lake ten times and was still just hot alla time.

it was nice to see you for about one second or so... and which photo are you in?
:)

8/01/2006 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Evolution... a metamorphosis of one skin into another...

but which skin is only determined within our own, for only our own opinions and devices predict which costume is most comfortable for us.

Cheers to evolution, cheers to hillside. Cheers.

8/01/2006 01:48:00 PM  
Blogger Johnny Canuck said...

I'ma in the Friday - People & Places section, at the base of the message tower!!

See if you can spot me!!!

8/01/2006 02:57:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: yup and it looks like my skin again at last!

cheers babe, it's a lot quieter around these here parts without you. glad you're still visiting a lil :)


johnny: spotted you AND your lady friend. it's amazing that i didn't see you all weekend, sort of unbelievable.

i didn't see a single pic of me in fact...

8/01/2006 04:21:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Hmm, this is a deeper post for me to ponder. Well I am glad that you are progressing. Anything that is not growing is dead, I tell myself that all the time. I am glad that you had a good time and lost in thought is not so bad.

:)

Good to see you back.

8/01/2006 07:41:00 PM  
Blogger Blessed said...

It is so hard to let it all go...so many things have shaped us, hurt us, wounded us, inspired us. Only thru time, little by little can we heal, forgive, forget, change. Your post made me look at myself and how far I've come. My "hillside" is my parish, my spirituality (I don't want to say my religion since I really don't like the being called
"religious"-too harsh) More power to you along your journey to be better, free-er, comfortable, and at peace.
BLESSINGS!

8/01/2006 10:08:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

"i am fortunate that he wasn't into me back that guy at the gym."

What?

Sounds like you had a wonderful time.

8/01/2006 10:15:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: well i do like the deep posts don'tcha know.

i like how kaji from evangelion said it:
m to kaji: you never change do you?
k: of course i change, the act of living is an act of change :)

yeah it takes me three days to remember how to talk after hillside.


blessed: it really is and i think that the hardest part sometimes is to realise that letting it go is better than holding on to it. or maybe just realising that you're holding on to it. maybe that's the key.

i can understand not wanting to say religious, that word is starting to get as negatively charged as liberal in the usa.

thank you for your blessings, i too wish the blessings of the universe upon you.


clarity: uh he doesn't answer my email?

the guy at hillside didn't get lucky dude he just showed me where gym guy was going in a few years and i liked hillside guy and i liked gym guy but i think i'm better off without them.

i had a blast, i can still hardly talk ... i expect to be able to talk about by hrm... thursday? (work doesn't count)

8/01/2006 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

Grow or die, is that the prevailing theme here? For some reason that seems to go against entropy...or is it that growth is going from order to disorder as well? Hmm, maybe it's good I am stagnant in both personality and life.

8/02/2006 08:42:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cas: i guess, i don't think that you die if you don't grow i think you just stagnate and feel vaguely unsatisfied with your life. but what do i know, i grow for fun.

i don't think you're stagnant, it's hard to be as introspective and aware as you seem to be and still be stagnant...

8/02/2006 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

Life is a funny thing sometimes. We move along at a steady pace, with bumps and bruises or breaks and heals. But eventually we get to a spot where we stop moving and enjoy the spot completely. The funny thing is that when we stopped it was so good. Is it possible to wear out the goodness at any point in our lives? I've really questioned this at a few points in mine. Especially since I've been married, cuz that means my wife and I move forward together, maybe one a little slower than the other, but together. So for what it is worth, I think that the direction you choose to go should be anything but where you have been.

8/04/2006 12:07:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: that it is for certain. and i've definetely found myself falling in and out of those spots over the course of my life and i've also noticed that the universe doesn't like to let me settle. soon as my ass gets comfy somewhere my feet start to itch.

i think you can wear out anything if you overuse it... or abuse it or fail to nurture it.

i agree with your directional sense sir! :)

8/04/2006 02:48:00 PM  
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