toxins

.
oddest conversation that i've had in a long while:

scene: sass and random guy approach each other on the street. they make eye contact and as she half smiles he speaks.
anon: oh my god! please tell me you're straight!
sass: why yes, yes i am.
anon: *makes sound of relief*
*keeps walking and says no more*

i mean what??
.

so i'm having a strange sort of realisation.

i'm not fat.

hold on hold on, i get that that's been obvious for a while, but there's more to this than that. not only am i not fat but i have been not fat for a while now. i mean you can't possibly be fat and take pictures like the ones i posted on monday.

NOT POSSIBLE.

so while this is having an extraordinarily excellent effect on my body confidence it's also causing a little bit of an unexpected ripple down effect.

you know what this means?

yeah, now upon what do i place blame for my gross failure with men?
.

hey last night was the official first night of summer.

why you ask?

no covers all night!

mmmmm i love summer!
.

okay back to the fat thing. for the last three years i've told myself that the reason no man wanted me was because i was fat.

and while i knew deep down that that couldn't be it i also knew that i had so much other crap to deal with that it wasn't worth worrying about and i spent a good chunk of that time period recovering from tr and my accident and falling for former friend and being led on and then recovering from that.

so i just sort of kept this idea in my head that i was fat and that that made me unnattractive and thus men didn't want me.

and please don't lecture me about getting my self esteem from men, i get that from inside myself and it's growing steadily. there is nothing wrong with wanting to date (or to get laid) or to hang out with someone you're attracted to.

that shit is FUN.

also it gets the proverbial juices flowing and that sort of thing makes you more creative and in a lot of ways it just makes you strive to be more or better. [ah-ha, there's my nana again with her 'marry someone who brings out the best in you']

i always get so much done when i'm feeling like that. more than that i read better books, i have more energy, i watch less television, i try new things, i need less sleep and i want less toxic food.

this is pretty damm excellent stuff.

now sure, after three years and one brief attempt at dating one guy i'm making my peace with the idea that the boys aren't generally interested in me... but still, i was blaming it on my fat.

you know, the fat that isn't there. yeah.

and then yesterday, i read kj's blog and she talks about how some man says to her 'you can have any man you want' and i want to punch him. i really do. do you have ANY IDEA how much i hear that? how often i'm told that i'm just the woman guys want?

by men who DO NOT WANT ME?

and before someone comments that that isn't true? if they know me enough to know i want to date and enough to have that conversation then we're friends and thus you don't find me intimidating cause you already know me and could most likely make a move.

it is from my friends that most moves come unfortunately. unfortunate because it's never quite the right friend or the right time. and most often (i stress most and not ALL) the people that are my friends and fall for me are doing it because i am a safe person for them to love while other bullshit is happening around them.

i've had men i was into give me laundry lists of their dream girl. a list i fit to an utter and perfect tee except for the part where i'm tall and not tiny. these same men have pointed out women who are me only tiny and informed me that those women were hotties.

those women who are ripped, climb, have brown curly hair and curves... etc. and i'm just fed up with it.

i'm tired of being told i'm everything any man would want when hardly anyone does.

i'm tired of being the chick they ogle but never ask out.

i'm tired of being advice girl.

i don't need any more friends that are men, it already looks like i'm with someone eighty five percent of the time when i go out... and you know if a man and a woman are standing together they must be married. i swear i'm getting a 'he likes the cock' t-shirt to wear with pile...!

i'm tired of sleeping alone every night.

i'm tired of cooking for one and trying to stay inspired to do so.

i'm tired of the single supplement i have to pay constantly because i have no one to share expenses with or even food (seriously WHO can eat that much asparagus before it rots??).

i'm tired, most of all, of being the safety friend. the woman you have around to make you feel good about yourself but never ever about herself.

i'm tired of being too much, not enough or somehow flawed

and most of all?

i'm really fucking tired of 'you could have any man you want'

REALLY? then where the fuck is he?

[for the record, yes, people have wanted me in that three years but were ever and always not a match. and if you don't believe me i can give you proof]