signals

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pile and i went out for dinner tonight and i picked up the cheque. i did this because he's a pov and i'm ever so slightly less pov than he is this week. that was pretty much the whole reason.

i'm not calling myself rich by any stretch of the imagination. i mean i make a decent living but i'll only die rich if i turn myself into a brand name or consider alternate careers. fortunately i only need to die with enough money in the bank to pay for the burial since i don't expect to leave kids behind.

nonetheless, i expect my standard of living to continue to improve.

now last night a lovely young man um... think of a nick... crap i hate thinking up nick names... uh, anyway you know how you end up going for dinner after a gathering sometimes? like climbers leaving the gym will often end up going out together for beer or food.

in this particular case i don't think anyone else was invited.

anyway, off we go for dinner and yapping and then he insists on paying for dinner. and not the kind of insists where the person with an income assists the person without one. the other kind.

which, i decided, gives me license to flirt with him, even if it does make me a cougar. the thing is? my buying dinner for pile is totally meaningless in that context. (first of all pile's gay)

so i got to thinking about things like paying for dinner. initiating hanging out. asking for contact information. conjuring up further meetings and so on. and then i got to thinking about the definition of a date.

there are people who would declare that since i went for dinner and a beer with uh... damm nicknames... him that we were on a date.

there are folks who won't say that but will say that since he paid for dinner... we were on a date.

there are those who will say that since we didn't make out... we weren't on a date.

there are still others who suggest that because our plans were not made in advance we clearly weren't on a date.

and again since we didn't specifically plan a next meeting... not so much.

so you could really go in any direction you wanted here.

i'm in the no kissy = no date-y camp but that's just me. pile is in the plans weren't made in advance camp... but that's just pile.

i also think that such definitions often change when you see how the future unfolds. you never see him again? not a date. he calls you two days later and says "when can i see you again?" duh.

but it really makes you start to understand why "first world" humans are so fucked up when it comes to modern mating. here's kj with some friend who has a guy buying presents for the kids and the lady doesn't know if they're in a relationship or fuck buddies. or it's hypothetical but nonetheless true for someone.

i go out with a guy for about three hours and can't tell you if he's interested or if i'll see him again. i know which way i lean mind you but i have a terrible track record at getting this shit right.

my friend has sex with a man that he's buddies with and then the guy never calls him back... well not quite never but close enough.

someone feeds me food with their fingers and doesn't want to sleep with me.

i mean we're baffled these days. any of those things would have been considered major giveaways a while back. we would have known what the intentions were.

what i don't get is why we can't all have little necklaces that say 'player' or 'sincere' or 'slut' or 'just friends' or whatever on them so you just know. then you don't have to wonder if the pretty words are real or if they're just trying to get you in the sack or if they're even trying that at all!

and here's the thing, the players would know to leave me alone because i don't play that game nor do i understand it. they can chase their own kind and they'll all be perfectly happy.

but we have no known signals anymore. i'm amazed that anyone ever manages to hook up with anyone else. i'm further amazed that anyone manages to get through the first six months of dating and into the part where you're honest with each other.

pile had a point about that too. he told me that since he had met me he had taken to being much more blunt with people and that in some ways it stems from the times when i am most painfully blunt.

like the more uncomfortable what i'm saying makes you? the more you probably need to hear it.

he says that he's started calling people on it if they're social engineering or being drama queens or whatever. instead of just taking it or grumbling about it later he just up and says "but why? why would you say that when you know it's ridiculous?"

and this is because i am apparently rubbing off on him, and through him to his friends.

man dudes, that's fucking awesome.

i am causing other people to tell the truth. wow.

what's funny is how easy it is. like the other day pile came to dinner at othercat's. pile is a vegetarian so he just asked a little request so he wouldn't have to eat meaty veggie burger and it was granted and everyone was happy.

one second of extra work for the cook, that was it.

a year ago he would have just sucked it up and pretended that he didn't care that his burger was cooked on a grill covered in meat grease.

thirty seconds of conversation.

it's called communication and we're scared to do it.

it's just that i've noticed over the years that it's the things i DON'T say that cost me friends, not the things i do.

universally if i bite my tongue again and again i'll start to resent the person that i'm talking with and eventually stop talking with them. but when i suck it up and i say the hard thing?

i've been thanked for it almost every time.

like my wise sister says 'friends are the people who tell you the truth, especially when it's hard' because really, who else will?

and that's where dating is so hard. it's easier to tell someone you love the truth than someone you just met. and tragically it's then, that moment when you first meet where you most need to tell the truth.

ironically it's easiest to tell a stranger on a bus your deepest truths, but that's never a date :)

people remember those moments, the ones where they first meet and if you lie then they never believe a thing you say afterward.

but it's so hard!

and worse yet half the time you don't even know if you're on a date. you've actually met up to do something else or run into each other or randomly gone for beer and suddenly it's hours later and you've just told a whopper of a lie thinking they'll never see you again.

and then.

(why i never say things i don't mean lesson one)

then you've a lied and it's months later and you're in love. fucking sucks doesn't it? now you have to TELL this person you love that you lied for no reason the day you met.

and now you're a liar.

and it almost isn't even your fault. you didn't even know you were on a date and it was easier than explaining...