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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, June 12, 2006

slightly spoiled

*long sloooooooooooooooooow exhale*

so i did something relatively unpleasant today. i told a very nice man that i just wasn't that into him and i didn't enjoy a second of it. it wasn't that i didn't like him because i did.

it wasn't that i didn't have a good time with him because i had that too.

it wasn't any of the things you're thinking. it was simply the lack of spark. this was made even less pleasant because he felt it and i didn't.

to quote everything nice? 'god damm that one sided spark'

and i am here to tell you that it sucks in either direction but it's assuredly worse when you're the one feeling it. because there isn't anything you can do. it's not like there's some magical way you can convince the object of your affection to like you. all you can really do is wait and hope and try to be awesome.

of course because you're *trying* to be awesome you never succeed.

i had the enviable luck of falling dreadfully badly for someone who claimed to never have felt an iota of spark with me. i say claimed because he either led me on or felt it and then changed his mind. neither of these are awesome and i will never know because honesty was apparently not something i deserved.

in a way i'm glad that i had that experience. if i hadn't i might have been tempted to pull punches and be less honest. okay i'm not exactly glad, the same way no one is glad when anything shitty happens even if it is a learning experience.

still without it i might have been tempted to be kinder. i don't mean that i was mean or anything. it's only that i tried to be as blunt as i could and as fast as i could. just because i'm not feeling sparky is no reason to torture someone else.

he took it with such class that i was actually even a little sadder that i wasn't sparky back.

he would have been an excellent man to date.

so yeah, back to celibacy.


my day wasn't all bad, my neighbour and i hooked up and made further adventures in the art of making granola. and let me tell you, we're getting better. this one is much better than the last one although we managed to overcook it slightly *again*

err i take that back... now that i try it when it's cooled it's really quite delicious. slightly crispier than i wanted but soooo delicious.

i'm really glad that pile and i have discovered that we like making granola... the cocoa flavoured one makes a fantastically fattening and delicious snack. fuck worrying about fattening, i have maybe five more years where i can eat what i like and i'm SO taking advantage of it.

every woman i know who is of a certain age says that her ability to eat and get away with it disappeared at forty. and i only have five years until then...

mmmmmm granola.

it strikes me as strange that anyone who works out as much as i do will ever have this trouble with eating whatever she likes. it's just that some of the people saying this?

pilates instructors.


i'm hoping that adding cardio to my regime will solve that problem. right around forty one i may be able to afford a condo and i'll just have to make sure that it has a pool in it or a community pool VERY close.

this is required. i really miss swimming and there's no convenient pools around here.

perhaps clarity will start going at a time i can go or we'll hook up about it or... yeah must email clarity.

anyway i went to a party this weekend, and i had the interesting experience of being one of the slimmer girls there. okay that's not that weird at non-climbing/pilates parties (at those i'm sort of chubby [and i AM! and i'm really tired of people yelling at me when i say stuff like that. hell, pile was at the conference with me last weekend and he'll tell you i'm kind of chubby in that company. not fat. not out of shape... but kind of chubby]) but i'm still getting used to it.

anyway this one woman took a shine to me and kept touching my hair and telling me how beautiful it was and then she refused to believe that i was my actual age. apparently i look twenty eight instead of thirty four. so i commented that it was because i had gained a lot of weight which had filled up my wrinkles and that they hadn't drained yet.

but don't you worry darlin' i look my age.

so she started yelling at me that i wasn't fat. which i'm not. but i hadn't said that.

i had said that my wrinkles hadn't finished draining fat yet. which they haven't. every month i look about three months older than i did the month before, and i expect this to continue until i look my age.

it's not as though i'm going to get fatter. not with the way i exercise.

but i'm not calling myself or my wrinkles fat. okay i'm calling my wrinkles chubby because although they show up more than they did they're still not here yet... and i can tell.. trust me, they're not done yet.

i can tell mostly because of the comparison with my hands, knees, elbows and feet. they tend to drop weight before my face in my body... and my face tends to drop weight before my ass. it's just how i am.

it's just that it's getting hard to comment on it now. people start thinking that i have anorexic tendencies or something. well no one who has seen me eat but...

so at this party? i ate like four helpings of dinner and half the chips AND a pile of cookies and sweets... but this woman never once saw me eat, and when i was so stuffed i could hardly breathe she started lecturing me to eat.

ah well, victim of her own assumptions that one.

i suppose it's ironic in some ways that she looks older than i do but claims two years less. and her wrinkles ain't skinny either. that said, she is clearly living a hard life, so who am i to comment on her wrinkles.

it's funny that although in any of these cases i don't really feel like i did anything wrong, i am still somehow left with a bit of an unpleasant flavour in my mouth and the sense that had i handled things better it wouldn't be there.


Blogger Kristen said...

Damn that one sided spark......been there done that and it hurts like hell........but way to be honest with the guy and tell him. Good for you

6/13/2006 06:21:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

in chamorro culture, we're always insisting that you eat, and if you've eaten, we insist that you eat MORE. LOL

and goddamn those one-sided sparks ... *sigh*

maybe next time, kiddo :)

6/13/2006 06:53:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Well at least you got to do some dating and what not. It;s always best to walk away early and quickly when it's just not there. I think he'll remember this as a good break-up and that's as much as one can wish for in that situation.

Mmmmm granola. I have not had brekkie yet. I didn't have a good night so I was all about being in bed until the last possible moment but I teach early in the AM so there was no time fror brekkie...which I know is not good.

*le sigh*



6/13/2006 08:05:00 AM  
Blogger lividviv said...

oh lord it's hard to be perfect

when you're human

we'll still like you even if you won't play opposite someone's Fix-the-anorexic fantasy. I wonder if the bad taste in your mouth was like guilt for disappointing her? It's hard refusing to please people, even when it's the right thing to do?

keep your chin up, pretty lady.
love from me.

6/13/2006 09:39:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

*happy one sided spark eats ass dance*

You know, I would have told you to do exactly what you did no matter how much it sucked.

I'm sorry I've been absent to you, I feel like a fuck head. And I need to watch my language.... hehe.

K so the one sided spark is immensely inconvenient and always ends up hurting somebody. Is there anything we can do besides heal and heal again? Hope that the other person understands our hurt regardless of whether we're the one who just had their spark doused, or are doing the dousing?

I dunno. But if I could climb into the minds of some people I would tell you that they don't care...

But you do. And that speaks volumes and seperates you from the asshats that play the field of mental treachery with the "I'll eat chocolate with you but I don't like you that way...."


You know, its fact that the wrinkles dissipate as you gain the weight. I am bulking up THANK GOD and am starting to find that my fore head wrinkles (from frowning at my children LOL) have begun to grow faint....

So, with one downfall comes an upswing and it's all about appreciating what you have.

The glass is ALWAYS half full, even when the remaining liquid is back wash.

I am looking into your email today, yesterday I was stuck in a training session BLAH and taking inventory through most of the evening. You should hear back from me today :)

yes, you should.. HALF FULL!!

6/13/2006 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kristen: it's freaking brutal yes it is. it sucks either way but it's definetely worse on the sparked side. it was hard to be honest, but easier than the alternative.

dzer: heh. that's pretty typical of italian culture as well in fact. it's very hard to refuse seconds in italy, you tend to offend people instead of getting them to understand that you just can't eat that much.

yeah dzer they fuckin' suck. thanks though.

nat: it's true. it was lovely to get some dating and spending time with a man who liked me in. was quite good for my feelings of dateableness. i know i did the right thing even though it wasn't fun.

mmmm granola. it's so damm good when it's homemade, we make it chock full of nuts and spices.

it isn't good but life happens right?

6/13/2006 01:56:00 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

OK over 40 here and I am thinner and fitter than I was when I was in my 20's.

Cardio and resitance training. I still get to eat what I want and usually what someone else wants but can't have.

Once I hit the BIG M I know that's gonna change big time so I understand taking advantage of your prime eating years!

It's been so long since I sparked I think that my sparking thingie is broken.

6/13/2006 02:09:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey viv... fucking right it is. all we can do is keep trying?

you know you're right, that's just what it was... someone's little easy slot to fit me into and i refused to fit. and you know, i think you might have nailed it.

thanks babe... love right back.

bubbles: heh... nice dance darlin'

i know i did the right thing, it's just hard to give up a nice man even if you know he isn't 'the' one for you (god how i hate that phrase)

1. don't worry about your language
2. i knew where you were and i wasn't worried or mad or anything. so don't apologise.
3. *huggs* babe you're having a time of it.

it's really for sure inconvenient. the only thing i know is that by being honest i made is as least hurtful as i could. he was warned in advance when i sensed the divide opening up and the second i knew i couldn't cross it i told him. hopefully that will make the healing easier for everyone.


i know they don't care, if they cared they would do the hard and truthful thing rather than the easy lie. and when they lost friends for their behaviour they would work to fix it instead of shrugging and thinking it must be the other person's fault. but hey, asshats teach you things i guess.

oh yeah, when i was really fat people were accusing me of being in HIGH SCHOOL!

i'm not surprised that your wrinkles are fading, it's certainly a benefit of having a bit of meat on the bones. and man am i glad to hear you're bulking up some.

oh man back wash *collapses in heap of laughter*

no worries with my email babe, get to it when you get to it :)

half full!

6/13/2006 02:11:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

oh madame... is it wrong that i feel exactly what you mean with the sparking thingy? it feels like going through the motions sometimes doesn't it?

i am very glad to hear about the over forty thing, that means that as long as i put off the big M i can eat what i want so that means maybe even like 8 or 10 more years

*dance of gluttonous glee*

i regularly finish other people's plates *g*


6/13/2006 02:13:00 PM  
Blogger April said...

ah...the good ol' one-sided spark.


Seems way too often that it's me on the wrong side.

That granola sounds fabulous!!

6/13/2006 06:29:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Is this the guy that you thought you were physically addicted to? I'm lost. No spark mentally, emotionally? Poor guy, I'm sure it's hard losing you.
Yeah, as you get older...but I don't think that if you've never had a weight problem, that you develope a big one because of age.
I'm the same way, though. I lose weight first in my face and just about everywhere but my butt...oh and that area real low in my tummy under where I've had C-sections. Shared too much, huh? LOL

6/13/2006 07:02:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

DAMN that one-sided spark!

i'm usually on the wrong side of it myself, so imagine my surprise at being on the OTHER side a few years ago. it was SO unpleasant telling him that, because he was a truly amazing man.

and i told myself that i was doing him a favor, because he deserves someone who DOES feel that spark with him. BECAUSE he's so amazing.

still. it sucked. big time.

you did the right thing. we all deserve to feel sparkly.

ahh, sparking. i think my spark plug is broken, too.

or it's just defective and goes off at the wrong time. with the wrong people.

6/13/2006 08:18:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Hats off (no laughing at my hairline!) to you, my dear.

You have handled yourself with grace, and I commend you. There's a dude out there that'll fit the bill, he just don't know it yet.

Lucky bastard. :)

6/13/2006 09:37:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

Wow. I'm devastated, and I wasn't even in the relationship. I was really rooting for this one to work out.

I reread your spark post to. I'm not really sure I understand what spark is exactly. I need physical attraction, and some kind of mental/emotional harmony. And it really helps to have someone who's daily living habits aren't too irritating. And a good cook. I guess I have a list of attributes combined with attraction. Is that spark?

This is sparking a re-evaluation of what spark is.

I guess you know it when you find it.

Cocoa granola eh?

My ability to eat whatever I wanted to disappeared after childbirth, which was also after I turned 40, so I'm not sure which one was the culprit.

I've been seriously thinking of taking up swimming again, so yes! The pool is open early morning, lunch and evening. Having a swim buddy would motivate me to actually go. Even if we just start once/week, its something.

The party thing sounds weird. There are physical reasons for extra wrinkles: smoking, too much sun, genetics.

Anyway, you look good and you eat lots. I can attest to it.

6/13/2006 11:18:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: um that was an email conversation.

as for the spark? i don't know but my brain just didn't engage. like i was away from him for a week and i didn't miss him. that seems very telling at the six week mark.

i've fought the fat for like (counts from 14) twenty years. i never really got that food and fat had any sort of direct correlation because i was swimming and four thousand calories a day was basically the required diet. ever since then all i can do is work out. learning to not eat just doesn't seem to work. so in the years where i'm slothful? i get fat.

i didn't know that was where the little pooch grew from c-sections, thanks for telling me. did you have any side effects?

terry: i know dude it sucks.

oh that's just it. there is not one thing wrong with this guy that a little flame in my brain wouldn't cure. i mean like everyone there was some petty shit but no dealbreakers or major strangenesses.

and you're totally right. he does deserve someone as all in as he is and i just wasn't.

*snerk* your spark plug is broken

*collapses laughing*

oh man mine does that too. the last couple were particularly devastating.

6/13/2006 11:57:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: thanks. i appreciate it. what's wrong with your hairline?

(don't laugh, i think bald spots are cute. which devastates the men i date that have them. why is that?)

oh man this grace shit is getting to be seriously overrated. okay it isn't but you know what i mean. as for the guy? i think it's time to let it go.

heh. thanks!

clarity: i'm sorry. a lot of people are feeling like that a little and i think we were too somewhat. i'm glad we did it, it was fun but no, he wasn't for me. he was for someone though and she's a lucky lady.

*laughs* oh yeah.

*clears throat* okay, i don't understand what spark *is* but i do for sure know what it isn't. i think you're right about all of those things. first is either of physical or mental/emotional harmony... one of those has to lead to the other or it's a fling... but then the other ones come in to play. i like how you say daily living habits. not that anyone's are wrong, just some of them don't fit in with you at all.

heh. that post is actually the one i was most proud of. well that and a couple of others but that one comes to mind first.

oh yeah,a cocoa granola... sugary nutty goodness. you want some? (i suggest waiting for the next batch, we're improving fast but you're welcome to some anyway)

i think in your case it was those two combined with complications that severely hampered your ability to exercise. any two of the three you could have handled i think.

okay why don't you email me the times that suit you and i'll fit myself in if i can? :) once a week is an excellent start.

oh yeah for sure there are genetic and physical reasons. but this woman drank hard, talked hard, looked like she had a hard life... you know. the one that always looks older than she is and tries the hardest not to.

heh... thanks on both counts *grin*

6/14/2006 12:14:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

No baldspot (yet!), but up front I have a rapidly shrinking peninsula o' hair.

Ah well, it was purty while it lasted. I have pictures to console me. ;)

6/14/2006 02:29:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: you're hot. your hair or lack thereof isn't a problem trust me.

and frankly men who are unashamedly bald are WAY hotter than the ones with the combovers and bad parts and spray paint...

6/14/2006 02:50:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

ahhh, thanks sweety. :)

thankfully, the mrs. has a long standing crush on patrick stewart.

even without that, there'll be no combovers. i will give propecia a shot though, to see if i can salvage.

too funny that hair is so desirable in certain spots (top o' the head) but just a bit south (on the back, for instance) - not so much.

6/16/2006 10:22:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: not that you needed the reassurance right?

mmmmmmmmm patrick stewart... so hot. hottest captain except for archer *g*

apparently when you stop taking the drugs you lose all the hair you would have lost over those years in one year. so it's only temporary... mind the side effects okay?

ewww back hair! *chuckling*

6/16/2006 03:01:00 PM  

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