slightly spoiled

.
*long sloooooooooooooooooow exhale*

so i did something relatively unpleasant today. i told a very nice man that i just wasn't that into him and i didn't enjoy a second of it. it wasn't that i didn't like him because i did.

it wasn't that i didn't have a good time with him because i had that too.

it wasn't any of the things you're thinking. it was simply the lack of spark. this was made even less pleasant because he felt it and i didn't.

to quote everything nice? 'god damm that one sided spark'

and i am here to tell you that it sucks in either direction but it's assuredly worse when you're the one feeling it. because there isn't anything you can do. it's not like there's some magical way you can convince the object of your affection to like you. all you can really do is wait and hope and try to be awesome.

of course because you're *trying* to be awesome you never succeed.

i had the enviable luck of falling dreadfully badly for someone who claimed to never have felt an iota of spark with me. i say claimed because he either led me on or felt it and then changed his mind. neither of these are awesome and i will never know because honesty was apparently not something i deserved.

in a way i'm glad that i had that experience. if i hadn't i might have been tempted to pull punches and be less honest. okay i'm not exactly glad, the same way no one is glad when anything shitty happens even if it is a learning experience.

still without it i might have been tempted to be kinder. i don't mean that i was mean or anything. it's only that i tried to be as blunt as i could and as fast as i could. just because i'm not feeling sparky is no reason to torture someone else.

he took it with such class that i was actually even a little sadder that i wasn't sparky back.

he would have been an excellent man to date.

so yeah, back to celibacy.

joy.

my day wasn't all bad, my neighbour and i hooked up and made further adventures in the art of making granola. and let me tell you, we're getting better. this one is much better than the last one although we managed to overcook it slightly *again*

err i take that back... now that i try it when it's cooled it's really quite delicious. slightly crispier than i wanted but soooo delicious.

i'm really glad that pile and i have discovered that we like making granola... the cocoa flavoured one makes a fantastically fattening and delicious snack. fuck worrying about fattening, i have maybe five more years where i can eat what i like and i'm SO taking advantage of it.

every woman i know who is of a certain age says that her ability to eat and get away with it disappeared at forty. and i only have five years until then...

mmmmmm granola.

it strikes me as strange that anyone who works out as much as i do will ever have this trouble with eating whatever she likes. it's just that some of the people saying this?

pilates instructors.

yeah.

i'm hoping that adding cardio to my regime will solve that problem. right around forty one i may be able to afford a condo and i'll just have to make sure that it has a pool in it or a community pool VERY close.

this is required. i really miss swimming and there's no convenient pools around here.

perhaps clarity will start going at a time i can go or we'll hook up about it or... yeah must email clarity.

anyway i went to a party this weekend, and i had the interesting experience of being one of the slimmer girls there. okay that's not that weird at non-climbing/pilates parties (at those i'm sort of chubby [and i AM! and i'm really tired of people yelling at me when i say stuff like that. hell, pile was at the conference with me last weekend and he'll tell you i'm kind of chubby in that company. not fat. not out of shape... but kind of chubby]) but i'm still getting used to it.

anyway this one woman took a shine to me and kept touching my hair and telling me how beautiful it was and then she refused to believe that i was my actual age. apparently i look twenty eight instead of thirty four. so i commented that it was because i had gained a lot of weight which had filled up my wrinkles and that they hadn't drained yet.

but don't you worry darlin' i look my age.

so she started yelling at me that i wasn't fat. which i'm not. but i hadn't said that.

i had said that my wrinkles hadn't finished draining fat yet. which they haven't. every month i look about three months older than i did the month before, and i expect this to continue until i look my age.

it's not as though i'm going to get fatter. not with the way i exercise.

but i'm not calling myself or my wrinkles fat. okay i'm calling my wrinkles chubby because although they show up more than they did they're still not here yet... and i can tell.. trust me, they're not done yet.

i can tell mostly because of the comparison with my hands, knees, elbows and feet. they tend to drop weight before my face in my body... and my face tends to drop weight before my ass. it's just how i am.

it's just that it's getting hard to comment on it now. people start thinking that i have anorexic tendencies or something. well no one who has seen me eat but...

so at this party? i ate like four helpings of dinner and half the chips AND a pile of cookies and sweets... but this woman never once saw me eat, and when i was so stuffed i could hardly breathe she started lecturing me to eat.

ah well, victim of her own assumptions that one.

i suppose it's ironic in some ways that she looks older than i do but claims two years less. and her wrinkles ain't skinny either. that said, she is clearly living a hard life, so who am i to comment on her wrinkles.

it's funny that although in any of these cases i don't really feel like i did anything wrong, i am still somehow left with a bit of an unpleasant flavour in my mouth and the sense that had i handled things better it wouldn't be there.