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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

compost heap

dear you

yes you with the brooding and the pretty cheekbones.

you know you, the guy in the corner studying the room intently. watching me from a distance. watching me watch you. knowing we're both doing it.

yeah, *you*

i saw a picture of you the other day, i didn't mean to, i had a perfectly good reason for being where i was, really i did. i've since eliminated that avenue. but now there's a new photo stuck in my brain... another one that says 'hey look at me, see how deep and pretty i am?' and i still do.

i don't really understand why i still do. i suspect it has to do with my 'what the fuck' pile.

you know, where all the things i don't grok get tossed while my brain figures them out. it's just that *some* of the things that get tossed in there don't come back out. they never actually get explained.

it's like the bermuda triangle of 'what the fuck' and that my friends? that is not at all a healthy place to be, and most of the time it's avoidable but sometimes? sometimes the conscious mind gets sucked into that black hole.

you're like that guy k. the guy that dumped me and 'couldn't tell me why' and then went off and disappeared never to be heard from again until i heard through the grapevine that he was getting married. i guess i'm supposed to wish him well right? think happy thoughts?

well i don't. except then i think about her and the kids they'll have and i hope to god that he's exactly the awesome guy i didn't get to date... instead of the mealy mouthed ass who won't tell a girl why she's getting dumped.

so instead of just knowing and getting over it i get to sit around and fucking wonder about it. agonize about him. try to figure out what the FUCK just happened and then try to move on. it's like the toilet seat falling off the space station and splatting me into the pavement of my 'what the fuck' pile. the record scratch to end all record scratches.

and then? then he actually turns into an old mountain. something the new stuff barely gets stuck on on it's way by. and you? yeah back to the broody guy in the corner... you are my new chief obstruction in the happy swiriling that is the washing mashine in the back of my brain.

it's like mental intestines and you're stuck in my appendix. a big old ugly safety pin i swallowed by accident that's just stuck... not being digested or moved along or shat out. stuck.

i know it's a lesson in letting go i really do. that just doesn't make it any easier to learn.

if only you were the kind of person who made the hard choices, who admitted the things that were hurtful. if only you had character instead of eyelashes. one day you may realise that the hard way is really the easy way in disguise and you will cut through the gordian knot that is your self rationalisation and you will come out the other side a wonderful human.

i don't hope that i'm there to see it anymore.

but i still hope that it happens.

*scratch* goes the record.

how can you be both wonderful and so hellish all at once. how can that even be possible? if i could let go of that impossible conundrum i'm sure i could let go of all of it. catharsis... i seek catharsis.

long slow deep breaths.

maybe if i can just find one of the ends of the string. you know like that old puzzle where you have this crazy complicated knot and if you pull on *just* the right piece it falls to the floor utterly unraveled?

it's just i know for sure that you own one end of that string, what i have to find is *my* end of that same string. the piece of me that is still attached to you. the piece that in spite of all your crap, all your bullshit and that lovely elephant marauding my heart took from you?

that piece that still loves you.

i don't know why it's there and not letting go. i don't know how to find the root of it and allow it to remove itself from my soul. i know that cutting down the tree won't work because i tried that.

i know that pulling it out by the roots won't work because i tried that. you're like the dandelion, miss even a millimetre of that fucking root and back comes the plant stronger than ever.

and like the dandelion the only way to really excise you is to soften the earth around the root and get it a little moist before ever so gently easing you out and tossing you onto the compost heap of my life.

the place all of the people i don't give a shit about end up.

the place the people that hurt me and have been excised end up.

the place the people i've grown out of end up.

compost. mother nature's recycle bin. it's lovely stuff really, you take your trash and your discarded organic detritus and you throw it in a heap... and once in a while you turn the heap and you find beautiful fresh healthy dirt.

the kind of dirt that your hands just *itch* to play in.

the kind that your hands just die to plant seeds in.

fresh dirt, ready for sowing.

but you, you're stuck in the bermuda triangle with your roots firmly planted in my soul and you aren't letting go. would that you had simply had the balls to tell me the truth, then i would have known it so much sooner and the knot would have fallen to the floor as a length of string. free and ready to be woven again.

but no.

you had to be a liar and thus i build yet another wall in front of the part of me that trusts easily and well. it was already so hard for me to let go and to trust and to allow men inside my defences.

believing that anyone would care for me and about me and put my needs ahead of or at least equal to their own is so much harder than it ever was. you couldn't have picked a *worse* time in the life cycle of my heart to trample it. it was so fragile and bruised already and you just hauled off and stomped on it. which was, i'm sure, the lesson for me. the universe wills after all.

and still you wonder why your dating karma is so bad.

you reap what you sow my love, perhaps if you paid more attention to the seeds you scatter so indiscriminately. perhaps if you noticed the hearts you trampled on the way. maybe, just maybe, if you realise that you feed on the esteem of others and instead learn to believe in yourself.

perhaps, just a titch of self reflection. look into yourself instead of at yourself.

i know, those eyes really are pretty, but deep eyes are no substitute for depth.

be well, heal thyself and if you please? be gentler with the fairer sex, we are fragile and break easily and are not simply for your amusement.

farewell my friend, my imaginary friend, my soulmate that isn't. may you grow and spread your branches and become the beautiful human you're capable of rather than simply choosing the simple paths and the easy answers.

you stunt your growth sir and never has that made me sadder than with you. your potential. oh it boggles the mind. please love, believe in yourself and find the hard places. the dark places. the ones that hurt.

go exploring your self instead of your eyes.

your depths are limitless, you have but to welcome them.

and with this i set myself free.
love always


Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

I have a similar residue that refuses to go away.I realize, the more you try to understand it, the more powerful it grows. Maybe the best way is to just know that its a part of you for sometime, accept it rather than fight it, and move on. Keep yourself busy, be aware of your mind, and don't let it wander too much. I guess its all part of "growing up". But for what is what beats me;-)
If it grows too bad, meditation is the catharsis you are looking for. Helped me for sure, atleast for some time.

6/20/2006 12:38:00 PM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

ill be back..

i need to smoke first.. (just kidding yall)

6/20/2006 01:20:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hemant: welcome to my corner of the blogverse.

i think you are utterly correct. i've found that in forcing myself not to think about it that it actually fades better then when i allow myself to get all analytical and probing toward it.

would i like to understand how someone can behave in that manner? sure. am i going to let it keep me from healing any longer? no. by letting go i allow the earth to soften instead of forcing it to stay tense and hard.

with release comes freedom right? he'll be inside me for a long time, it's my choice whether it hurts or not.

i don't meditate much but i do practice pilates and mindful breath. i think i'd like to get back to swimming, it's natural meditation for me (years of training as a sweet young thing)

punk: hey babe, ssup?

6/20/2006 01:42:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Oh damn, Sassiness...that was just awesome. I'm all tingly. I had (you know this) that experience of being dumped and being denied an answer. That experience of someone who was my best bud, my lover, and my better half one day and by the night...just a few hours after making love to me was a stranger, disappearing into the distance, never to be heard of again. I don't know why people do it. I could see if you just met someone, had a horrible date and then never called back. Still childish and cowardly...but acceptable. But afted months? I don't get it Sassinus Maximus. I seriously don't. But I let go of him by writing a story about him. A letter works as well.




6/20/2006 04:05:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: what's funny is that the you to whom this letter is addressed and i never dated. never even touched each other romantically. and he lied and led me on all the same.

and you know what? i'm *really* proud of this letter :)

that someone who could seem so wonderful could turn so festering will never cease to amaze me... i guess i just have to trust that the universe does things for a reason.

dear universe, i need a studio of my own. just so you know :)

hey one date is fine... but after months of friendship (in BOTH cases) one would think some truth would be only fair... guess the only thing i know for sure is that neither of them was ever my friend.

(yours might just have been worse hon)

6/20/2006 04:43:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

wow. i need to write letters like that for a lot of stuff.

i'm not going to assume i know the situation, but i think i have an inkling..and that's beyond fucked up. honestly isn't always the best policy, but it's the most rewarding regardless.

on the upside, be thankful you got two birds with one unintentional stone...two people that weren't worth your commitment and friendship are pretty much out, right?

6/20/2006 05:43:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

I'm not the only one deserving of a stunningly thoughtful comment about the increased quality of my writing. I'll forward the one I recently got on to you...

"i know it's a lesson in letting go i really do. that just doesn't make it any easier to learn."
*drums fingers*
at least we get each other on this...

damn dude...

6/20/2006 06:47:00 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

Nicely done Sass.

I hate that I know this guy...I think we all have a brooding pretty cheekbone guy in our pile!

6/20/2006 07:00:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Wow Sass, I'm in awe at how well you allowed words to express what you were thinking and feeling. Talent.......pure talent in writing. I would love to be able to write like you and Buttah.....you two inspire me.

Very heartfelt letter, I hope it does it's part in healing the hurt of letting go.

6/20/2006 07:18:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

why do you let anyone else have this much power over you?

what's that stupid book? something like 'he's just not that into you'?? whatev. anyway, if someone is just not that into someone else, then it's no surprise they'd not bother to consider that they owed that person an explanation for why they've decided to get lost.

it's incredible how much power and influence someone can inadvertently have over someone else without having any inkling about it. Neal Peart, in his most recent book wrote about how he actually confronted people who'd said things that wounded him long long ago. stuff that he just could not forget. or let go. and these people couldn't remember a thing. it's like these hurtful comments were, to them, just throwaway lines.

we just gotta let go of our expectations and get on with our lives. otherwise we are not living in the here and now but someplace in the past or in limbo.

......just thoughts.

6/20/2006 07:51:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: i am truly amazed at how cathartic it was... and what's cracking me up is that i know he'll never read it even though it's a click away. one little click. i don't mind if he reads it, i just don't expect it.

but dude you should totally write them, it feels awesome.

you can assume, you absolutely know the situation and have heard about it in depth ... honesty is always the best policy but sometimes you should choose just how MUCH honesty you use.

it's true you know, writing this letter to one man freed me from k also... and i didn't even notice until you pointed it out!

hubris: thank you. i conceived this post while you were getting your lint catcher cleaned out...

yeah dude we really do.

madame: it seems inevitable doesn't it? i should have known better, i was older and wiser and didn't catch the warnings. ah silliness.

i hate that you know him too.

6/20/2006 08:48:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kj: thank you. i'm in awe that i actually posted it for all the world and him to see. it never occured to me that the writing was any good though *g*

but your blog is excellent kris, don't be running it down!

it did it's part for sure... such things tend to be written when they're ready to right?

gabi: i don't know.

i've read that book, and it's fucking stupid but so far it's proven to be a hundred percent right... except when it's wrong *g*

in this particular case i actually stopped hanging out with him, reading his blog and otherwise having him in my life ... it didn't take him long to notice and disappear.

it's incredible how much power i handed over without consideration and how much more he was able to draw out of me when i wasn't looking. it makes me a little enraged to realise that i let myself do that to myself. but it makes me sadder to think anyone would treat their best friend's other best friend that way. seems so... pointless.

i've let go of the things that wounded me in my youth. the slings. that was easy, there were so many of them that instead i remember the few acts of kindness. someday i will track down a very nice man and thank him for being kind when no one else would... but the wounding ? gone.

i tried not to let myself get my expectations or my hopes up with this man but somehow i did anyway. it remains only to ask what i got out of it that made it worth doing.

to that i do not have the answer as of yet.

i like your thoughts, keep 'em coming :)

6/20/2006 08:54:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Well, sweet stuff, you have out done yourself. This is something that nearly everyone can relate to. Every word was so raw and real, I'm really in awe of it.

I wrote something like this, not to long ago about someone that I haven't seen in 5 plus years but who still has quite an effect on me. That very night, they left a comment on my blog. They set up their own blog to simply leave me a comment. Who knew that they even had any sort of idea that I had a blog. Blew me away. I hadn't wanted them to actually know how much I'd cared. So...babe, I hope this turns out the way you want.

It was a fantastic read.

6/20/2006 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: *blush!!*

thanks :) ... it really is one of the truest things i've written... which doesn't mean that other things aren't... only that this is deeper.

i read that. i'm tempted now to go back and read the comments just to see who it was but i won't. it's sort of amazing that he started a blog to comment though.

mine blogs, but he doesn't read my blog anymore. he is welcome to and welcome to comment but i don't believe either thing will happen.

i just wanted some closure and i think maybe by writing it out i let some of it go. softened the earth so to speak. if he reads it and looks inside himself then more power to him. but he won't. and even if he read it i don't believe he would *hear* it.

thank you. i'm quite proud of it... and myself :)

6/20/2006 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

Sometimes writing can work miracles, can't it? Such a feeling of relief to get things off of your mind and onto the paper.

I hope your letter worked. It was beautifully written, and I know you don't believe it will be read by the recipient, but if it is, I can't imagine a reaction other than great shame.

-muchos huggos-

6/21/2006 08:13:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jmai it really is. i had no idea how cathartic would be until i did it. it's like by writing it out i've put those feelings there. they live on the paper now.

it worked for ME. i don't think he'll read it but people he knows have read it... a few of them *may* even realise it's about him or not. if he is ashamed then good, it's the first step.

but i don't believe he will ever think that he did anything wrong and i already know that he doesn't think i deserve an apology or an explanation for his behaviour.

and that's okay too.


6/21/2006 08:23:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

I never said it was a 'he'...I'm very careful darlin. 'They' didn't realize that you could sign in as anonymous, it was 'their' first time to leave a comment.

6/21/2006 09:16:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

;) I do love you.

6/21/2006 09:16:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...


1. You used a lot of big perty words.

2. This is not a post to comment on, but to raise a glass and say "adios"

3. Damn dude, I dedicate this piece to my imaginary liar playmate that was and now isn't. Thanks for saying what i couldn't...

as always!!!

6/21/2006 10:22:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

eh sometimes writing is a reminder, not always a good one.

and i like purdy big werrdds

6/21/2006 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: that's true, i projected because mine is a him :)

i'm still curious who it was and i'm still not gonna check :)


bubbles: love me some enormous verbiage it's true :)

i think you are correct
*passes bowl*

you're welcome. and i dedicate it to all the imaginary people out there... including myself.


elle: yo are correct, it totally is. i think i might get away with it this time.

yeah, me toooo

6/21/2006 01:06:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Sassinakness. I emailed you blood spatter. Elle you too.

there's no big perty words, in fact I think my dep. sucked butt. I have until tomorrow.

Loveums and hotel accomodations to come soon.

I still love the way you say behaviour.

6/21/2006 04:25:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: got it, and replied

it's not bad actually...

behaviour, colour, clamour :)

6/21/2006 04:56:00 PM  

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