compost heap

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dear you

yes you with the brooding and the pretty cheekbones.

you know you, the guy in the corner studying the room intently. watching me from a distance. watching me watch you. knowing we're both doing it.

yeah, *you*

i saw a picture of you the other day, i didn't mean to, i had a perfectly good reason for being where i was, really i did. i've since eliminated that avenue. but now there's a new photo stuck in my brain... another one that says 'hey look at me, see how deep and pretty i am?' and i still do.

i don't really understand why i still do. i suspect it has to do with my 'what the fuck' pile.

you know, where all the things i don't grok get tossed while my brain figures them out. it's just that *some* of the things that get tossed in there don't come back out. they never actually get explained.

it's like the bermuda triangle of 'what the fuck' and that my friends? that is not at all a healthy place to be, and most of the time it's avoidable but sometimes? sometimes the conscious mind gets sucked into that black hole.

you're like that guy k. the guy that dumped me and 'couldn't tell me why' and then went off and disappeared never to be heard from again until i heard through the grapevine that he was getting married. i guess i'm supposed to wish him well right? think happy thoughts?

well i don't. except then i think about her and the kids they'll have and i hope to god that he's exactly the awesome guy i didn't get to date... instead of the mealy mouthed ass who won't tell a girl why she's getting dumped.

so instead of just knowing and getting over it i get to sit around and fucking wonder about it. agonize about him. try to figure out what the FUCK just happened and then try to move on. it's like the toilet seat falling off the space station and splatting me into the pavement of my 'what the fuck' pile. the record scratch to end all record scratches.

and then? then he actually turns into an old mountain. something the new stuff barely gets stuck on on it's way by. and you? yeah back to the broody guy in the corner... you are my new chief obstruction in the happy swiriling that is the washing mashine in the back of my brain.

it's like mental intestines and you're stuck in my appendix. a big old ugly safety pin i swallowed by accident that's just stuck... not being digested or moved along or shat out. stuck.

i know it's a lesson in letting go i really do. that just doesn't make it any easier to learn.

if only you were the kind of person who made the hard choices, who admitted the things that were hurtful. if only you had character instead of eyelashes. one day you may realise that the hard way is really the easy way in disguise and you will cut through the gordian knot that is your self rationalisation and you will come out the other side a wonderful human.

i don't hope that i'm there to see it anymore.

but i still hope that it happens.

*scratch* goes the record.

how can you be both wonderful and so hellish all at once. how can that even be possible? if i could let go of that impossible conundrum i'm sure i could let go of all of it. catharsis... i seek catharsis.

long slow deep breaths.

maybe if i can just find one of the ends of the string. you know like that old puzzle where you have this crazy complicated knot and if you pull on *just* the right piece it falls to the floor utterly unraveled?

it's just i know for sure that you own one end of that string, what i have to find is *my* end of that same string. the piece of me that is still attached to you. the piece that in spite of all your crap, all your bullshit and that lovely elephant marauding my heart took from you?

that piece that still loves you.

i don't know why it's there and not letting go. i don't know how to find the root of it and allow it to remove itself from my soul. i know that cutting down the tree won't work because i tried that.

i know that pulling it out by the roots won't work because i tried that. you're like the dandelion, miss even a millimetre of that fucking root and back comes the plant stronger than ever.

and like the dandelion the only way to really excise you is to soften the earth around the root and get it a little moist before ever so gently easing you out and tossing you onto the compost heap of my life.

the place all of the people i don't give a shit about end up.

the place the people that hurt me and have been excised end up.

the place the people i've grown out of end up.

compost. mother nature's recycle bin. it's lovely stuff really, you take your trash and your discarded organic detritus and you throw it in a heap... and once in a while you turn the heap and you find beautiful fresh healthy dirt.

the kind of dirt that your hands just *itch* to play in.

the kind that your hands just die to plant seeds in.

fresh dirt, ready for sowing.

but you, you're stuck in the bermuda triangle with your roots firmly planted in my soul and you aren't letting go. would that you had simply had the balls to tell me the truth, then i would have known it so much sooner and the knot would have fallen to the floor as a length of string. free and ready to be woven again.

but no.

you had to be a liar and thus i build yet another wall in front of the part of me that trusts easily and well. it was already so hard for me to let go and to trust and to allow men inside my defences.

believing that anyone would care for me and about me and put my needs ahead of or at least equal to their own is so much harder than it ever was. you couldn't have picked a *worse* time in the life cycle of my heart to trample it. it was so fragile and bruised already and you just hauled off and stomped on it. which was, i'm sure, the lesson for me. the universe wills after all.

and still you wonder why your dating karma is so bad.

you reap what you sow my love, perhaps if you paid more attention to the seeds you scatter so indiscriminately. perhaps if you noticed the hearts you trampled on the way. maybe, just maybe, if you realise that you feed on the esteem of others and instead learn to believe in yourself.

perhaps, just a titch of self reflection. look into yourself instead of at yourself.

i know, those eyes really are pretty, but deep eyes are no substitute for depth.

be well, heal thyself and if you please? be gentler with the fairer sex, we are fragile and break easily and are not simply for your amusement.

farewell my friend, my imaginary friend, my soulmate that isn't. may you grow and spread your branches and become the beautiful human you're capable of rather than simply choosing the simple paths and the easy answers.

you stunt your growth sir and never has that made me sadder than with you. your potential. oh it boggles the mind. please love, believe in yourself and find the hard places. the dark places. the ones that hurt.

go exploring your self instead of your eyes.

your depths are limitless, you have but to welcome them.

and with this i set myself free.
love always
sass