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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

we were on a break

[this post started and ended at 8:40pm but i didn't get a chance to post until now]

do you ever have something that you've desperately wanted to have happen happen and then realise that it just made everything worse?

yeah, that just happened.

some of you may recall that several months ago i was hurting because a friend decided to dump me without a word of explanation.

to add insult to injury he didn't return my calls, refused to make plans, didn't return my emails and when in desperation i just said 'i miss you what the hell' he still didn't answer. nothing. not one word for months.

EXCEPT? yeah except whenever he sees my friends he's all 'oh how's sass' as though he actually gives a shit. which makes him a liar.

so yeah, i've been running scenarios in my mind for months about this, what to do what to do, how to get this guy to return my calls (i also knew him on a professional basis, so although i have long written off the friendship i still need to speak with him regarding work approximately once a month.) nothing.



and i think about what will happen if i run into him in the street or at pilates class or if some well meaning friend arranges brunch for us both to be at or whatever. i think about what i'll say and how i'll react.

but, like husbands, these things never happen when you're expecting them.

they also never happen when you're ready for them. hell they don't even happen on a day when you're having a good hair day.

nope, they happen on days when you're exhausted because you haven't been sleeping well, you're hungry and all you want in the universe is a lie down on your couch with the latest episode of some shitty reality show.

days when your brain is on vacation but your sweat glands are working overtime.

yeah, THOSE days.

so i run into him on the street about fifteen minutes ago and he makes the funniest face where he like acts happy AND like he just had an enema at the same time. basically his real face and his polite face got in a fight and he never did figure out which one to wear.

so he goes to hug me and i go 'please don't touch me' because, let's face it, i don't touch well and i really don't touch well with people who hurt me. and long term? this guy hurt me more than that guy who stomped on my heart last winter.

yeah, a lot.

and he makes this confused face and i'm just like 'why won't you call me back' and he's all "i'm not going to have this conversation if you're going to take that tone" !!!

dude you dumped me flat without a word in FEBRUARY, what the fuck is your problem and why do you think i want to HUG you???

so i say, i apologise for my tone but nonetheless why won't you call me back about work? and he says "i just needed a break from you for a while"

me: and you couldn't talk to me about it or tell me why or anything?
he: shrugs and says he has to go with his friends but he'll call me after
me: i have plans tonight
he: i'll call you tomorrow
me: skeptical face

see that? he isn't calling me EVER he just wants to make sure that i don't make a scene in front of his friends. you know, the ones that didn't listen to him whine about his lover for a year before he dumped him. those friends. the cute boys. the ones that are fuckable instead of being a nice woman who cares about him.

finally i just say that i wish he would call me back about work, fine if he doesn't want to be my friend because i can't control that, fine if he doesn't want to speak with me because it's not about me.

i also said that it isn't that his behaviour didn't hurt, it absolutely did and it hurt in a deep and visceral place (and he made a face at the drama queen) but that nonetheless if he didn't want to be my friend that was his deal. however,

there are work things we will have in common for as long as we both reside in this city. period.

i can't help it if he doesn't want to be friends but damm you call me back about work.

so he said he would.

and he said he would call me tomorrow and i said, while walking away, only call me if you actually want to be my friend, so i'm really not expecting a call, otherwise? just call me back about work!

he sort of makes this face at me and i go 'i'm right about that right? about you not wanting to be my friend?' and he just makes the same face.

god what a disappointment that man turned out to be. it's fine if you don't want to be friends buddy but have a spine. at least have the balls to say it out loud.

i think that's the nastiest way there is to get dumped actually.

*i* am in love

with my blog.

no seriously, i have all the symptoms. i think about it when it's not there. i wonder what it's doing without me. i check on it obsessively.

i get sad when it doesn't have any new comments.

i care about it's vital statistics.

i nurture it and sweat over it and generally worry about it. okay now i'm stretching.

do you think that it's possible to be in love with an online journal? i know for sure that it's possible to be in love with people online because i've done it. so perhaps i'm not so in love with the blog as the commenters?


interesting question but i think i would still blog if nobody commented. lord i would miss y'all though!

i think about my blog when i'm with beautiful men.

yup, i'm in love.

with my blog!


Blogger Pyrhonik said...

Now I'm feeling warm and fuzzy.

So what's it gonna take for that wound to stop bleeding? I thought you did rather well actually.

7/26/2006 03:02:00 AM  
Blogger factory_peasant said...

make sure you use protection while making love to your blog. blogs carry diseases you know, like scabies and dysentary, and yello fever. whenever touching your blog it's critical you handle it with two (2) layers of oven mitts on your grubby paws. and don't forget to wear a HEPA dust mask. many blogs carry the feared hanta virus. mhmmmm.

7/26/2006 04:21:00 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I love your blog too........and I think I love mine and all the ones I read

What an ass.

and that's all I can say about him, is what an ASS

7/26/2006 06:48:00 AM  
Blogger Madame X said...

The guy's a dick.
Plain and simple.
It's OK for him to not want to be your friend but it's not OK for YOU to not want to be his friend.
Run into them all the time.

I love your blog and my blog and KJ's and a whole mess of others.
Does that make me Polybloggerous?

7/26/2006 09:08:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: doesn't take much? *g*

i think maybe that lanced it actually. "i decided i needed a break from you for a while" is a lie too right? if he was on a break he would have said 'i need a break' nuh-uh this was a flat out dumping and he's in denial about it.

anyway, he invalidated four years of knowing each other and three years of friendship with one sentence, no more wound, only people who love me can wound me.

peasant: oh man i heard some blogs carry something called laggyloadfromhell too!

damm i love your sense of humour.

kj: yay for loving my blog! and yours too :)

yeah he's really an ass, i feel free and over it, i forced him to step up and he couldn't do it. small minded little man.

madame: yup.


me too. ah well... :)

*gasp* you TART! loving blogs other than mine!!!


7/26/2006 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Sweet Li'l Gal said...

I know what you mean about the sadness of no commentary, although I've only recently come to look forward to them. I wrote for months and months without readers... which was kind of freeing because you were writing without an audience, so you could go anywhere. I think the posts I wrote before I had readers were better... like dancing when no one's watching...

And about that guy? I don't know how people like that think they can get away with treating others that way. How can you shut off your conscience and proceed with being such an asshole? He must have had years of practice before you, perfecting the art. Yes, Sass, this guy has been treating women like this for quite some time... There should be some sort of a blog out there where we can warn one another about these people. "Stay away from Asshole McFuckface, he'll suddenly pretend you're not alive"... what do you think???

7/26/2006 11:14:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Blogger ate my comment...I will recap

Dude, sass...I'm sorry it had to go down like that. That guy sucks big hairy donkey balls. You gave him the chance to be honest. And you said it for him and he only had to say yes you are right. And he still coulf grow a pair. Sad. It's his loss, darling...really.

I think about my blog too. I think I lost a few people along the way and on the changeover. But I guess quality over quantity, eh?


7/26/2006 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger Puffin said...

WOW...that last part about being inlove with the commentors...I must say....I'm flattered. LOL

I love your blog too. Actually your blog is partially the reason I am changing the way I blog. I love the detail you put into it and I am going to start doing that more on my blog. I worry that the extra length will lose some readers, but like you , I'll keep blogging anyway!

ANd about that punk...from here on I think you should tell him that your conversations should remain on a professional level, and if he decided then that he wants to talk about what happened. Tell him to "BITE IT! and remain professional!"

7/26/2006 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: i'm irked that you had to recap cause i'm betting the previous comment was longer! :)

i'm sorry it had to go down like that too dude but at least it's done now. just goes to prove you shouldn't do business with friends? or shouldn't make friends in business? or um? some people suck?? :)

you're right, i even said it for him and he still can't admit it. didn't say no either you notice?

i've noticed that my readers slowly evolve over time, and a lot of folks, like say stoned nerd, still read but don't comment as often.

i grok, i've slowly evolved my favourites as well :)


puffin: you should be, as should several other folks, y'all make this here piece of the blogverse interesting.

wow, i'm flattered. i think it's great that you're doing longer posts, they're a lot of fun to read and i'm really seeing the personality of your kids more. hey all my favourite bloggers write longer posts... you're just changing teams is all *g*

he won't call me back, he won't even call me back professionally. at that point i'll have to take steps...

who wants to bet he won't even call back about work? anyone? anyone?

7/26/2006 12:45:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

you know, that whole thing with your friend reminds me of my break-up with my ex. He was willing to pretend for however long that nothing was wrong. And I was more confused by that than anything else. And I was so upset that I had to be the one to spell it out. I wanted him to take ownership of the break-up. I wanted him to have to say it, so he could take on the responsibility. Because when I brought it up, even if I was saying "rihght, so this is what you want, no?" then it was me saying it and almost like he was just going along with my idea. For the longest time that made me angry. But then I thought about the length he had stayed in unhappy relationships before and understood that he got his karma back there. People should grow some ovaries and just say what they mean.

And surely I suppose on has favourites... I just kinda liked the large numers of comments cause it made for a fun forum. Who knows? These things fluctuate. And I must admit my blog has not been the most enthralling thing lately.


7/26/2006 01:23:00 PM  
Blogger cadbury_vw said...

what an asshole

just not calling back


i hate people like that

undoubtably he made up some bullshit cover story with his buddies to tell them why you and he aren't together

maybe just to make yourself feel better you should maneuver yourself into a conversation with one or more buddies and tell them a couple of elements of the truth

or not

and just let the asshole go

7/26/2006 02:05:00 PM  
Blogger factory_peasant said...

i is be silly. ayup ayup.

7/26/2006 02:09:00 PM  
Blogger honkeie2 said...

sorry about the evil man.....we are all not that bad. Even though some ladies I have known could tell u my asshole story as well but hey, they were no walk in the park either lol ;-).
And I feel u on the blog relationship.I have let my blog down lately, due to work and life but I love my blog. And I love blogging. I think about it all the time its like therapy or something

7/26/2006 03:15:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

what a fucktard. i love that you confronted him, though. that's fabulous.

and i'm in love with your blog too!

7/26/2006 04:12:00 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Gezus I know I have been there. And it sucks. I especially dispise the place that I take it to though. The second guessing, the pondering, the wondering and WHY cant they just say something. Damn it makes me crazy. Someone told me once, If he aint calling, he aint interested. But but..the last time he DID call everything was fine...then nothing...for months...then oh hi how are you Ive been busy. yeah well fuck you pal and the horse you rode in on.
wow I got carried away there. I love your blog too!

7/26/2006 04:38:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: yeah i've broken up with people that way before, from both sides. but always we were under twenty five. i mean geeze dude you're in your thirties, grow a pair.

i've met a lot of men who did that sort of thing and i just fail to get it. come to think of it, women too. i mean when you're in hell for longer than you were happy for? it's time to look at the cards.

oh man you're right, my guy took a year to dump a guy he didn't like... it's typical. i shouldn't even be surprised.

oh i love the tons of comments for sure, it's my favourite when a post takes off and people post like 20 comments while i'm out for a couple of hours. doesn't happen often but it's often when it does.

your blog is a bit distracted, like you... mine does that too. :)

cad: yup and i even sent an email where all he needed to do was send one line 're work - call this person and re us - i need a break' and i never would have contacted him again.

dude we weren't dating we were friends, and yes he did make up a bullshit story with my friends to cover the lapse. why bother?

oh they already know, they were my friends first, they told me i was imagining things. wish i was.

peasant: me likey

7/26/2006 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

honkeie i love your nick

dude i've been an asshole myself and i'm certain i can even tell some of the stories where i was an asshole, hell maybe even one today.

still and all, it's weird to see how far i've come when my old self is looking back at me like that.

i think blogging is absolutely therapy. you say what you're thinking and feeling and people give you perspective. that's awesome shit.

terry: yeah i guess, still not helping the work relationship and that i need to fix somehow.

hey i'm in love with your blog right back! how cool is that?

mimi: yeah it's funny that it doesn't matter if it's a friend or a date that does it, it's still just obnoxious and painful.

thing is, it's true to a point that if he ain't calling he ain't interested but i have to believe that some men really are that shy so i'm willing to take it a little further before i decide i can read his mind.

though i almost always assume they aren't into me since that has been my track record.

oh yay for ranting!
i didn't even realise you read it!

7/26/2006 04:48:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

"Blog Love" I'll have to make up some t-shirts. We can all have our URL's on them.

I love that you tell people exactly how you feel. More people should be as to the point as you.

I'm a little saddened to hear that you like long blog posts. I don't have the time to make mine longer. I'm kind of a "to the point" person. *shrug* That's what makes the world go round.

7/26/2006 06:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Princess Valium said...

Wow, it appears that the Avoiding All Contact Like A Cowardly Bastard Syndrome isn't the sole mien of straight men.

Sorry to hear that this friendship broke up in such a manner. Simply unacceptable, in my mind, unless you have absolutely no respect for that person or the friendship you once shared. Which is an extreme state of affairs that frankly I am having a hard time coming up with an example for. I mean, it's not too hard to send off an EMAIL if you're too cowed to have a discussion. What a bitch. Fuck him.

7/26/2006 08:09:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Sass I admire your honesty and ability to flat out say what's on your mind in a tactful way. You gave him the chance and opportunity to own to what he did, and be honest with himself and you but instead he lied. That type of person is not needed. Unforch you still need him on a professional level?...I assume not since you have done just fine since Feb. Sadly some people would rather find friendship in the false fake people (that includes drama) than someone who loves you inspite of yourself and your faults. It is his loss truely.

As far as being in love with your blog, I am not so in love with mine. :( I think it bothers me that I have so much more to say but I lack the time to write it down, and I don't have a huge fan base... maybe 3 or 4 readers. You are def on my list of fav blogs tho. :)

I think that you have reached a *growth* place in your life that you have a calm, a peace and understanding, to who you are, what you want and what you deserve/expect. (not to say there aren't going to be speed bumps but in general...) In having that you share and write it down through your blog; so your blog really is an extension of you and not some alter ego of who you think you are or want to be. I think that is why you are in love with your blog b/c maybe you are finally loving being you. At least for myself as a reader I can recognize the *reality* in your blog of who you are.


7/26/2006 08:24:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

sign: if you make it i'll wear it :) and i might mail you a tank and get you to letter it for me too...

i only tell people exactly how i feel when i'm not into them sexually. the second i like a guy i'm pretty shitty at it. working on that but still suck. i always regret the things i don't say but rarely the things i do :)

i love your posts actually, it's the blogs that are all 3 line posts that eventually lose me :)

pv: yup. amazing isn't it? he did actually call me today but i haven't had the ovaries to listen to it yet. i want to be ready for anything before i do or i'll get all ranty and upset.

dude if i hadn't sent him email even where i asked him whom he would like me to deal with professionally and told him i missed him? i might have some sympathy

"decided i needed a break from you for a while" you have to be kidding me.

yeah, he's a bitch.

hunee: i like that you assume i was tactful, it's really quite possible that i was short and impatient and that i never let him talk and used a nasty tone :)

i don't think so but i only know my side of things and he and i are not culturally identical.

no hunee i haven't done fine without him professionally, there have been things that i needed from him that i didn't get and it's cost my clients. nothing unforgiveable yet but it has been a hassle.

i know that it's his loss but i lost here too... just a different kind of loss.

the thing with the fan base is that i didn't start growing one until i started posting 3-7 times a week. if i didn't post they didn't read and if i don't post regularly my traffic falls off. you're erratic so it's hard to get the rhythm of your blog. but see, you don't have to blog you can just comment surf whenever you like.

i'm definetely at a growth place, and a crossroads. it will be interesting to see what happens in the next year or two.

i have speed bumps all the time, today i took out the right rear window of my car on a tailgate i didn't see. oops. a hundred bucks later...!

it's possible that my blog is a wee bit unique because i write down just what i think without filtering... but i know lots of other blogs do that so it's hard to say. but yes, my blog is just like me only slightly more thoughtful. i can edit the text and i can't edit my mouth :)

and yes, i do love being me, thanks for noticing :)


7/26/2006 09:49:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

oh. yeah. the work relationship.


i don't suppose there's a third party who could nudge him to at least deal with that, since he doesn't seem to respond to you?


and thank you! what a compliment that is.

7/27/2006 12:46:00 AM  
Blogger Jon said...

I don't think I'm in love with your blog. Maybe a little infatuation though.

That dude is an ass clown. I am glad you know it.

7/27/2006 03:37:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

"i get sad when it doesn't have any new comments."
LMAO!!! You get more comments than anyone I know!! I even wrote that damn post about comments and why you should leave one....

I've been away, had dial up only and babe killed my comp. I'm going to get a cuppa later when I have 2 hours and come back to see what i've missed...why? Cos I love your blog too!!
Cheers, Kelly

7/27/2006 04:32:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: oh yeah... that. uh huh

he actually called and left me a message yesterday so perhaps i can fix the work problems... we'll see.

i would say it's a compliment in both directions darlin'!

Jon: yay for infatuation! from there comes crushing and then sometimes puppy love and sometimes real love!

he really is, it's tough when you think that they're friends.

deb: i love the comments, a year ago i hardly got any and now here i am! :)

i commented on your damm ye leave a comment post i think....

i was wondering where you were, you were less around then usual. g'luck with your comp! and have fun in the archives :)

yay blog love all around!

7/27/2006 07:05:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i really don't understand how people can just up and *poof* their way out of your life, and then still expect you to play nice with them when they suddenly remember they need you, or you randomly run into them.

even still, i always feel like the asshole for having some kind of attitude with them or for really not giving a shit about them anymore. funny how that works.

i'm in love too!!
it's just with my new sheets :)

7/27/2006 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

Fuck him.

But I don't understand what you were telling him here:

"and he said he would call me tomorrow and i said, while walking away, only call me if you actually want to be my friend, so i'm really not expecting a call, otherwise? just call me back about work!"

was it supposed to be don't only call me?

7/27/2006 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

i haven't had the ovaries to listen to it yet

*hehe* that's funny... :-)

I'm either in love with your blog, too, or I've got some kind of weird stalker thing going on where I check it out pretty much daily. Even when I'm not commenting, I'm still hiding in your bushes or, um, something like that...

7/27/2006 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

Men are so stupid sometimes. They put out this image of being all strong and mighty when really a lot of them are truely cowards.

Hmmm in love with your blog, I can see it.

7/27/2006 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: nor can i. if i "poof" out of people's lives i at least cop to my behaviour. and his message is even funnier, it's all about how it wasn't easy for him to make this decision and that i wasn't being supportive enough and i was being too negative toward him.

yeah so you dumped me flat, ignored me about work and looked like you had an enema when you saw me again. yup, that's friendly.

and yes, somehow i now feel like an asshole for feeling hurt about his behavious. ah so stupid.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sheets are good!

md: can't, he likes boys.

i was telling him that if he wants to be friends he should call me tomorrow and that otherwise he shouldn't waste either of our time and should just call me on a professional basis.

so no. only call if you want to be friends, otherwise? don't call me, i'll call you if i need you and you WILL call me back.

7/27/2006 12:55:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

john i canna take the credit, that one comes from nat!

yay for blogstalking! i used to have a stalker but she moved on to the ex friend i used to be in love with and then right out of my circle...

leigh: yes, yes they are. and if he would just admit his feelings this would all be so much easier and more efficient.

ah well.

yay for bloggy love! :)

7/27/2006 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

That's because your blog is loverly.

I love it so much I walk the line to snuggle with it.

check email, will travel. bye.

7/27/2006 06:06:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

em i felt like that about your blog too, though i do understand why it left.

read email, no time to answer :)

i love johnny cash

7/27/2006 06:35:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

i love johnny cash too.

have a great time sweets!

7/27/2006 06:55:00 PM  
Blogger Hemant Kumar said...

I love your blog, ur unbiased thinking and honesty.(i love my blog too especially the comments;-)
Okey the guy stinks, he wanted to be with you for a while and dumped you(maybe scared of commitments?). Yup you are emotionally attached to him, but then he has let you down. Why do you want to be friends with him? Why in the name of god, are you downgrading urself to a lowly moron and offering the guys that hurt you ur friendship, like it was something worthless??
If you don't respect yourself the world won't respect you.
Most of the troubles in life are because of the conflicts btw mind and the heart, sometimes the mind is wrong sometimes the heart is. If you are getting too screwed up, i guess you are using one of them too much.(Yeah its easier said then done, but we can atleast try)
Something similar happened when i was learning how to negotiate sharp turns along the path on my bike. I used to be afraid of making it, used to slow down, and the result was pretty sloppy. Then i chanced to read something on a web page, that suggested that since you are turning, if you accelerate, the momentum of the bike would be more easily transferred into the right direction. I told my fears that i knew what i was doing, and voila, i was able to negotiate curves much more effectively.

Cheers and have a great day

8/01/2006 01:15:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: i did!

hemant: i'm glad that you think i'm unbiased but i can't really claim that... i try to be but i only try :)

you are correct taht he stinks, and if we had dated or only been friends i would simply tell him to fuck himself and i would never speak with him again. unfortunately there's the work situation and friends in common.

irony is that they're my friends that i shared.

i don't want to be friends with him, i need to work with him. that said, i no longer offer men that treat me poorly my friendship and there are several stunned men wondering where their doormat has gone. well not really, they've moved on to fresh and new doormats.

unfortunately while you are right about the respect thing it's a lot harder when it comes to professional relationships. anyway, i am definetely not using my spirit enough because i tend to let my head and heart lead and not see where my spirit is sitting.

i really like your bike metaphor, it's apt as all hell. note to self... spead up :)

8/01/2006 05:22:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

speed dear, it's spelled speed

8/01/2006 05:22:00 PM  
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8/09/2006 04:53:00 AM  
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8/15/2006 06:26:00 PM  

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