cranky beads

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i only have a few minutes before i have to run off to class and then another class and then the farm. but i'm getting tired of looking at toxins so i thought i would see if anything came out of my fingers today.

i do have a pointer for the climbers in the room. do two laps of every route at the gym.

yeah i went climbing yesterday evening between work and dinner and a lovely pair of climbers invited me to do routes with them. so i did. and when i'm standing there in my harness she goes "we climb everything two times..."

and i'm like okay.... and she goes "and you are too"

i was game so i did it. i made it three quarters of the way up things the second time before dying but die i did. this will pick up my endurance nicely.

it's brutal and my hands and arms are fully tired and i'm so doing it again.
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my parents are going home in a week.

a week!

i can't believe this, it feels like they just got here and they're going home in a week. i am woebegone. for serious.
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i had sushi last night for the first time in way too long. i'd had it with othercat but that was the kind you buy and bring home. this was the kind that you eat at the restaurant and they practically make in front of you.

exactly, it was freaking delicious.

the company was good too. one of the things that i missed the most after tr and i split up was these foursome meals that othercat and pj and tr and i would have. but now that he and i are actually happy to be in the same room again we can do these lovely gatherings again.

it was good. a little weird because we've all changed but good.

what's funny is that i have continued to hang with other and pj and so has tr but we didn't hang together... so the only real surprises are for us. and in a lot of ways more for me. i've mostly turned back into myself since he and i split up whereas he has made a bunch of deep and positive changes.

i have too hold on that didn't come out right. i've changed a ton but more in my general approach to life and decision making and my sense of control. and i'm certain that i'm just as different to him as he is to me.

however, he's flipped switches from 'oh no, not me, i don't do that' to 'enthusiastic participant' which is highly weird for the person who knew him when those switches were bolted shut. i sort of saw them start to flip in the few weeks after we split up but as if i was taking in that kind of shit.

i wasn't really up to noticing, i was busy being ignored until i went away, being broken and dealing with all the other broken relationships and things in my life. so the signs were there in that six weeks we were stuck in that fucking house but they weren't glaring and obvious.

now all those tiny signs are giant changes. and yes i can wrap my head around them sure, but it's weird is all.

don't misunderstand, these are lovely changes, as are mine... they're just weird for me to hear about and see. of course nothing that's different about me seems at all strange to me because for me i changed slowly and gradually as a logical outcome of things that were happening around me.

as are, i'm certain, his. i just didn't see them and grow with them so there's this man i totally know but he's not quite who i think he is.

as weirdnesses go? this one is pretty cool.

oh and stoned.nerd? i didn't sleep with him *grin*
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i'm really stoked about today. there's a class with rr and then a tiny break and then a workshop on abdominals and it's going to be awesome. i probably know more about abs than any other section of the body we've done because i've taken a couple of workshops from marie jose about them as well.

this means i'll get a deeper comprehension of the stuff that i learn today and that it will serve me extra well. this freaking rocks.

what's even cooler about abdominals is that they include the lumbar spine (as did our workshop on gait of a month and a half ago) and many of my clients have problems and complaints right in there.

one of the things that i love about rr's workshops is that she shows us tests, physical habits and fixes for the things she talks about. she doesn't just tell us what the muscle does and send us on our way.

marie jose does similar things but i can't ask as many questions when there's thirty other people around as i can when there are five.

besides? every teacher you listen to gives you a different place to look at something from.

actually every voice you choose to take into your heart will do that. every person i know that i bother to continue to speak with has the kind of voice that teaches one things. the kind of brain that chooses to think about problems instead of moan about them.

all of my friends try in varying degrees to live happy and positive lives. the kind of life that you look back on and nod approvingly.

the kind where you think to youself "i done did her good"

we won't all succeed, and all of us will have regrets as we look back at our histories... one of us most of all i think. [no, that's ALL i'm saying about that and no you don't know to whom i refer so don't ask unless you're looking at my face when you do it] and even that person is still out there living their life to the fullest, i just think there might be a few extra regrets there.

regardless, i am getting to the point in my quest for joy and a positive nature where when i tell people that i'm cranky they don't get what i'm talking about... they're like 'you don't seem cranky at all'

and all i can think of to answer is something someone said to me once in this crazy group in oregon [they have cranky beads they stick around your neck if you're being cranky and you can't take them off until there's someone to give them to AND you aren't cranky] which was "these people have high standards for cranky" and thus i say

"yeah dude, but i have high standards for cranky" and they look at me funny and i smile and put on my imaginary cranky beads and wander off....

just like i'm doing right now!