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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, August 14, 2006


regarding my birthday and then my post.

it was lovely. thursday night was the tennis and then on friday night mg and i went climbing and out for dinner. i had a BEER! it was the first beer and it made me slightly queasy, but i liked it nonetheless.

saturday i got up and hit rr's class and then othercat picked me up, i stopped and bought a panini and we headed north with the top down. we stopped for pies and for beer and for salad and chips and we arrived in tinytown ontario around half past four. i set up my tent in the shade and we made our beds and then beer started.

i didn't drink much in the long run but oh boy did i eat. i grazed for hours and hours and hours and we sat around and hung out and everyone was really excellent and funny. there were only maybe 20 people that showed up all told but the ones who did were wonderful. and just the right people.

funny how that works.

anyway i saw a few meteors and passed out around three am and then in the morning? horrors! i had fucked it up and my tent was in the sun and i was overheated! yeah that was the worst thing that happened to me that day.

and i got up and coffee was made and more excellent food appeared and then i got to go and PICK WHATEVER I WANTED IN THE GARDEN! ahhh *bliss*

and then do you know what we did? we went to southampton and i went swimming (BRIEFLY!) in lake huron and then i baked in the sun in my bikini. first time this year. in a couple of years? god it was great.

somewhere around five othercat and i packed up our crap and headed out and we cruised home past dairy queen and arrived in time to have dinner with hubris.

yes, it was a perfectly spectacular weekend, thanks for asking!

so i'm grooving on my new CD from othercat [us3 - on ordinary day in an unusual place] and hubris is working on my logo and i'm thinking about something that was said to me this weekend.

you are who you choose to be, you are who you think you are and you are who you say you are.

sit on those words for a minute. take a few deep breaths. feel your lungs inflate into the back of your chair as you inhale and your ribs fall as you exhale. do that a couple of times.

so if you say 'oh i'm so ditzy' then you ARE so ditzy. it doesn't matter if you have the brain of a rocket scientist and the degree to match. if you call yourself a ditz you're a ditz. you can't help it, you'll act like one. you think of yourself as a person who is described as a ditz, you self describe that way and thus you choose to be a ditz.

i've been thinking about a lot of the things that i say about myself and what those things actually mean. do i say them because i think that they're true or because i believe that they will make my life easier?

and since i'm a shapeshifter what does that mean in terms of my identity?

see that there how i labelled myself? how i'm accepting and expecting that statement to be true? anyway i self describe as a lot of things in a lot of places and while all of those things are true to some extent none of them really describe me.

but then how do you describe something you are? isn't that as crazy as trying to put movement or music into words? trying to paint pictures of love? trying to understand cats?

when i say that i lack confidence does that mean that i bring that to myself? that the only thing keeping me from seeing myself as fabulous is that i don't THINK that i see myself as fabulous? how are my preconceived notions of who i am affecting my day to day life?

does my willingness to believe that i'm bad with men MAKE me bad with men? what if i just decide to call myself a bombshell? walk around like i expect men to do things like they used to in those old impulse body spray commercials? [woman walks by man who goes nuts and snags flowers from a vendor and chases woman until he gasps something and hands her flowers through subway doors/falling up a flight of stairs/or whatever]

if i build it will they come?

what if i decide that i like studying? or that i like a clean house? or britney spears?


okay i feel sorry for her but i'm not sure i could like her. [from seeing her show, we seem to worry about entirely different things...]

okay or... revolutionary thought... what if i decide that i don't suffer from pms aka pre menstrual bitch syndrome? okay good luck with that one.

anyway, when you tell people about yourself you are placing yourself in boxes in their brains but you are also putting yourself in a box in your own brain. i think some people end up making themselves into entirely different people depending on who they're with. well i know some people do because i used to be one of them.

i've been striving to be sane around people for a long time, i expect i'll manage it on my deathbed or something. i've also been working not to become someone else in groups ever since i realised that i did it. i'm a lot better at it now but i have lost some of my centre of attention talent in the doing of it. it's funny what you give up sometimes when you're looking in another direction.

i was once a natural flirt who was good in groups and now i'm uncomfortable in groups and forget how to flirt. i'm also not standing in the middle of the loud group in the middle of the party and being the loudest anymore so i can't say i'm offended by the change.

but still, why did i have to give up being a natural flirt to become more calm and grounded? can't the one stay while developing the other? what if i start to describe myself that way? how about if i just remember that it's a skill i used to have? regardless of my current word choices i did lose that talent to a great extent as i became more introspective.

i'll find myself in groups at a gathering and have no idea how to make small talk, i'll catch myself telling some inane story because i'm so uncomfortable and i can't think of any questions to ask that aren't intrusive [plus i saw that comedian on valentine's day who said, as we exited the venue, "at least i'm not on a date with one of those chicks who asks a million questions" and everyone laughed. and i said to my companion 'i'm one of those chicks' and that sort of whigged me a little. is it wrong to ask questions on a date? and here i thought it was called getting to know you. stupid uncomfortable silences] and no one else is saying a word and i miss the girl who could charm the pants off anyone at a party.

or maybe she never could but she only believed she could. ha ha ha i wonder which it is!

i've really been noticing over the last few years that i am consistently not acting like i expect myself to act and thus i've been realigning my expectations for myself. and then? yeah i go and change some more.

damm life being all about change and stuff. if i can't even know who *i* am then how in hell is anyone supposed to get to know anyone else?


Blogger HuneeB said...

Sass yes you are in charge of your own destiny. You decide who you are, what you want, and to some extend how others perceve you. You hit the nail on the head with the ditz paragraph...and the boxes, hell I can't wait for you to get my package...I think (granted this is me thinking and am naybe not as wise) that you do not have to trade introspection for socialality (sp?...is that a word?) I happen to know a very deep and introspective person who is also very social, she tends to be the life of the party and an expert flirt. You tell yourself you lost your ability to flirt and you are uncomfortable in groups then you will be...I think that you have to be comfortable in your own skin def. for other people to also be comfortable around you...but I also think that we evolve and constantly change because "anything that is not growing is dead" so maybe we have to be okay with that and just really know your heart and your intentions instead of knowing "yourself" because knowing yourself fully will never happen...because of the constant change. Well I am not sure any of that made any sense and I bet that it is one huge run on sentence and spelling error.

Mostly my point was you are what you tell yourself you are, what you expect of yourself is what you will be given in return. All you can do is continue to be true to you and it will come back.

I am glad that you had a nice b-day and are back on food and beer :) Have a good evening!


and yeah for self discovery!

8/15/2006 12:38:00 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Sounds like an excellent way to spend a birthday..........

and I agree with huneeb

8/15/2006 06:45:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

a wonderful birthday indeed ... and you just keep on being yourself, darlin' ...

8/15/2006 07:34:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

I think we are ever-growing. I think maybe some of our elements stay the same throughout but there are nuances that change. The other day I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test the other day and I have gone from an ENTP, which I was every time I took the test in the past, to an ENTJ. I mean, that's a whole different letter at the end, which signifies change. I think experiences mold you and change you. I think people do too. If we went through life remaining the same, it would mean nothing has reached us. Self-discovery to me is a daily process. I listen to my inner voice and listen to people. Mr. Hagfish pointed out the other day that I do something quite often. I had never realized. Now I see it. And now I know it's something I do as a defense mechanism and that I want to change that. So I am. Sometimes people see you better than you see yourself just because you have this image of who you are and they see how you actually behave. Hmmm I wonder if that makes sense. But yeah, all in all, we are all in a state of flux. But the things that matter to me are the things that wont likely change, such as..."is this person basically a good person at their core."


8/15/2006 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger RobynB said...

Happy Birthday!

Yes, I'm sure you did charm the pants off the party people. You still can, too

8/15/2006 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: i think even when it comes to others perceiving you that you have most of the control. how you dress, speak, wear your hair, move all make a difference to what people see.

i can't wait for me to get your package either!

i don't see why i'm any less or more wise than you, and i'm interested in everyone's thoughts not just mine :)

i don't think you have to make that trade either, but i did. and now i have to find the inner party girl again. it's like i've gotten too staid and sober. so i have to find my flirt/party girl and bring her back.

i just sort of noticed that i had gotten like this... and although i am a hundred times more comfortable in my skin than i was when younger i don't necessarily make strangers comfortable so i need to get that talent back. darn thing.

i like that... know your heart and your intentions and let yourself evolve. nice way to think and i think i'll adopt it...

i did have a nice birthday and i gained back all my fasting weight... but i did ALSO make myself feel a lot better for fasting and i'll do it again for sure.


kj: it is. and i do too :)

dzer: i can do that... any idea who she is?

8/15/2006 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: i think so too. i am either an intp or an entp or an intj or an entj depending on my mood. so i don't take myers too seriously *grin*

i have read that one of the hallmarks of the quirky alone is that we need group time as much as we need alone time and that we are neither e nor i. makes sense for me.

the act of living is an act of change (evangelion) and truer words were never spoken. it's still neat *grin*

my ex husband used to do that sort of thing to me. i'll never forget him saying 'you're so cute when you're defensive' and me going 'i get defensive?' oh boy do i EVER!

i really appreciate other people's perspectives for that very reason. flux is good... and you're right, my essential moral compass has only strengthened but never changed.

robyn: thanks!

oh i'm sure i can still do it but it used to be easy :)

8/15/2006 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger Madame X said...

I am happy that you had a wonderful birthday, you deserved to enjoy it!

you are who you choose to be, you are who you think you are and you are who you say you are.

Exactly! I just wish I could remember this all the time!

8/15/2006 02:46:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

I believe that who we are right now is a real-time, comprehensive total of all of our combined experiences. That is, everything that you have seen, heard, sensed, learned and all around taken in and soaked up to this exact point in time is what makes you who you are. You have been shaped by that wonderful blend of nature and nurture stimuli and what you have been exposed to by your environment and by your upbringing. In the beginning we depended on our parents to provide us with these experiences, but now the reins are in your control. While I don't know if we can totally change our essence of being, I do believe that we can affect change within ourselves by purposely manipulating the input of experiences that each of us encounter. Perhaps you became more introverted because you started to find yourself experiencing more situations alone or not wanting to be around a lot of people. Perhaps this is due to your accident? Maybe you lost your comfort level of being in large groups because for awhile you weren't around them. You didn't feel well physically, which prevented you from going out. This may have forced you to experience moments of isolation, reflection, solitude, etc, which then bent your collective experiences into that level of comfort. When you became ready to re-enter the social Sass life of old, your experiences had already been shaped to a more introverted perspective. In order to change this direction, you should begin to manipulate your experiences back to the Sass you were (or even better, the Sass you want to be). Once you begin being that person, the experiences will build up, re-shape the collective, and affect the personal change that you seek. Simply put, if you want to be different, then live differently.

(no, I'm not a psychologist... I just play one on the internet...)

8/15/2006 02:51:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

madame: thanks babe, i did too.

yeah, i wish i could remember it too!

john: i believe that is absolutely true yes. everything that has happened in my life has made me me and it's why with one or two small exceptions i wouldn't change a thing. and i don't even know if i would change those two things unless i could see the long term outcomes.

i was blessed with parents that liked to grow our brains and expose us to now things and to explore. they passed the exploration and the wonder on to us and my sister and i have continued with it. but absolutely the reins are mine now.

too bad, my parents can spend more on reins than i can *g*

i don't know that you can change your fundamental essence without a lot of work and a lot of misery but i think it can be done. i've seen it with people who walk out of bohemia and into the corporate world, even the things they think are worth fighting for change.

i think that the introvert thing has been happening for a long time BUT that it was exacerbated by the accident. because yeah, i didn't like anybody for something like two years.

yeah i don't want to be taht girl again but i do want some of her skills. i like what you say about manipulating your experiences... that's worth playing with.

if you want to be different... be different *grin*

(never underestimate the psychological power of sitting at a keyboard *g*)

8/15/2006 06:35:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

Wow! The cosmic answers from Sass abound. This post eally made me think about what you said.

We do put ourselves in boxes. I am the fat funny girl. Is that really who I am? I dunno. Maybe.

8/15/2006 06:40:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

P.S. Putting the tent in the morning sun sucks.

8/15/2006 06:41:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

what's wrong with being highly adaptable in social situations? why do you want to pin yourself down as being one way or another? if the essence of life is change, then why does change have to result in a state of being that becomes static for any given period of time?

the fact that a person can be different in varied situations is excellent. it's a means of optimizing communication. it means you can fit in anywhere, anytime. behaving differently doesn't mean the core person is a different person. also, taking on the sort of empathic concepts of social groups and situations is a good thing because it means you live the moment. you may decide later that, no, the concept is not for you. but by living it, you give it a nonjudgemental test drive.

life is about experience. if we get stuck in some sort of pre-determined role and definition of ourselves, then we can't really experience life as it happens.

we all have our own paths in life. we also don't know really what happens in the lives of others. we are looking from the outside as they are looking at us. comparisons can only diminish us whether making us feel inadequate or superior.

gotta live gotta live gotta live.

see ya on friday. 'ceptin, afterwards i gotta work.......fffffffffff.......#%&$ (it's all about that last thing: $. :) )

8/15/2006 06:58:00 PM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

I think people that are serving their purpose on earth are constantly evolving. So by definition , mine anyway, you are on the right track. I've also had to contemplate time and obligations and purpose lately, seeing that there are so many directions I am being pulled in and only so much time I have to spend. The conclusion I came to is that I have to stick to the priorities I set for myself and flip the bird to anyone who tries to impose their version of priorities on me.

Sometimes it's other people, like family or even a job -- but most of the time, it's been me telling myself that I needed to do something that I knew was counterproductive in one way or another. I'm glad you have found yourself at a stage where you are self-aware and want badly to be true to yourself. I think once you achieve that, you can deal with anything in life. Decisions are easier... and life is happier.

8/15/2006 09:07:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

sign: i'm glad, because it made me think too and it still is and it probably will for a while. i've been sternly lecturing myself about the way that i talk TO myself and the about if it's mean but still, hadn't thought of what labelling does.

are you the fat funny girl? fucking right. are you the beautiful nurturing mom? fucking right. you know perspective right?

sign ps: oh my god does it ever.

gabi: i love your comments, you have an excellent and well thought out perspective on the universe that i quite enjoy. i like this, it's true, if life is change then why do we ever try to describe ourselves.

i've been noticing that i do a lot of 'i always...' and then i think about it and realise that no, i DON'T always always do something. so why do i say it?

i am excellent at soothing the savage beast. i got offered a job on the spot for the way i handled an ranting man at hillside. (i asked him what was wrong, let him rant and then solved his most immediate problem for him [in this case? how to get a cab to a festival in a conservation area] and he walked off cheered up, being calm and saying thank you.) so you're right, being a chameleon is a freaking excellent quality and i love that i have it even though it does make having an opinion really difficult.

also, taking on the sort of empathic concepts of social groups and situations is a good thing because it means you live the moment. you may decide later that, no, the concept is not for you. but by living it, you give it a nonjudgemental test drive.

i love this. i'm always teased for my ever changing passions and i tend to counter that you can't know if you like something unless you throw yourself at it and find out. you've explained it better.

working to find out what you're like instead of knowing is hard, but it's rewarding as hell.

i try not to compare myself with others i really do but it sure is hard when i look into mirrors at work all day every day.

you won't see me friday, i'm in seattle! yay for more conferency pilates school!

8/15/2006 11:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

spared: well, i like to think that i'm serving my purpose on earth but i wonder if it's true that those who don't evolve aren't. what if their purpose is to stay still so others can see how far they've come?

ahhh love me some philosophy.

you have me curious about your directions and obligations but i do like your answer to them.

i especially like that you see your own culpability in your actions. like it took me a long time to learn that i like to volunteer but that i hate to DO so i stopped volunteering without thinking about if i really wanted to do it or not.

i like your conclusion, and i think it's a truth. wanting to be true to yourself has to be the place to start... least in my head it is :)

8/16/2006 12:23:00 AM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

Sass- I don't feel like I need anyone else in the room to experience a catharsis after reading a great book or listening to a wonderful piece of music. I think those are both ways in which we evolve as people, on a minor scale of course. It is quite easy to evolve without anyone around. The experience has more to do with you measuring your actual self against your former self but I see your point. I suppose if you look at it that way, then people who don't evolve serve their purpose by taking up space. But either way, my existentialist thinking forces me to take responsibility for action regardless of consequence, and vice versa. Hard to be true to anyone, if you are unable to be so to yourself.

8/16/2006 10:06:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience."

That's Henry Miller -- I can't take the credit. But I think it sums up your 2d to last paragraph, at least the way I read it. And I kinda love that part about growing up. It's a constant evolution, and the best part? I really think you get better/wiser/realer (yes I made up a word) with every turn.

And I think if you wanted to go back and be the party girl, you could... and this time maybe you'd know if you were really charming the pants off everyone or just thinking you were?

8/17/2006 12:17:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

So glad you had a great birthday! As for what or who you are? You are what you are, nothing more, nothing less. But I do believe you can be what you want to be. When Zoe was born and it was obvious her father wasn't going to be a part of her life I thought to myself, I can be one of those single mums who sits and feels sorry for herself, worrying about what we DIDN'T have, or I could focus on the positives and enjoy this new experience. I chose the latter...

8/17/2006 08:25:00 AM  
Blogger Jim McKee said...

You are the artist, and your life is the canvas... except that it's really more like performance art. Make it happen.

8/17/2006 03:20:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Same wave length babe. I'm asking myself the same questions lately.

8/18/2006 01:10:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

I miss Sass.

8/18/2006 07:58:00 PM  
Blogger debambam said...

huneeb. I'm with you. Where are you miss sass??

8/18/2006 09:15:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Ummmmm.... *looks around confused* where is sasselina?


8/19/2006 10:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god - I found our home. You'll love it. get back here asap.



8/19/2006 03:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god - I found our home. You'll love it. get back here asap.



8/19/2006 03:13:00 PM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

You are easily the most talented overanalyst I have ever known. Your statement, "you are who you choose to be, you are who you think you are and you are who you say you are", is missing a part. All of that amounts to naught unless you believe in who you choose to be, say you are, and think you are. Otherwise it's just a string of words, meaningless without the support of conscious acknowledgement.

8/19/2006 11:05:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

I think babies are born with a personality. I believe there is a core "you". Not necessarily unchanging, but a unique essence that we are all born with.

Then your environment can have a huge impact on your true essence, but its still in there somewhere.

Describing yourself is a powerful mirror. Describing your children can be even more powerful, I think. Children really seem to soak up descriptives from their caregivers. I find if I describe my son in a positive light, others see him and relate to him that way to (for instance: "persistant" rather than "stubborn").

Interestingly in your myers briggs experiences the "T" seems to remain constant.

I think the party-flirting girl is still within you. I don't think you lost that skill while gaining your new skills. You just have to find her again and let her out.

Your birthday weekend sounded awesome. Enjoy Seattle.

8/19/2006 11:33:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i'm alive
i'm alive!

sorry i'm in seattle and i can't find a terminal to use for more than a minute!

but i met bubbles!!!!!

(back monday)

8/20/2006 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...


It'll be fun to read the details of that meeting!

Say Hi from the rest of us Canucks!

8/20/2006 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

*sigh of relief*

Don't scae me like that again, missy!


8/21/2006 04:34:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Wow in Seattle!!! Hope you had fun!

glad you are okay :)

8/21/2006 08:30:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

spared: i don't feel like i need anyone else there either... but sometimes it's nice to go to dinner with friends instead of alone. and i don't really think i need to measure myself against anyone else except that i do it anyway.

that said, i am like you in that i feel ultimately responsible for my own actions. i made the choices that led me here at this moment on this day and no one else. that's why i'm the one that lives in this apartment and not someone else.

and yes, truth in yourself is the most important thing absolutely. if you operate from truth you have a better chance of doing the right thing.

jmai: nice. mr. miller was a smart man.

and i think it does too and i'm adding it to my quotes. and yeah, it really is and you're right, thanks for sharing that.

well, apparently i charmed them?

deb: dude it's been awesome and there's still at least one present coming. no two. yeah two. crazy huh?

i am choosing to be the best me i can, that's all any of us can di, it's just hard.

i'm proud of you for the choice you made, not that you need me to be proud of you but nonetheless i am.

jim m: nice. well put.

kathi: that doesn't surprise me, i'm coming out of major upheaval and you've just started into it. all of life is change right?


8/22/2006 08:54:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: you're sweet

deb: it says about ten comments above?

nat: geeze y'all really only read your own comments *lmao*

pile: i'm home i'm home!

pyr: thank you. i think you're right and i'm tempted to disagree with you anyway. becayse to me if you think you are something even if you don't believe it at first you will eventually. like i almost believe i'm a pretty good pilates teacher. i used to only think i didn't suck.

i think the words that you choose to use about yourself have enormous influence on our behaviour.

8/22/2006 08:56:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

clarity: out of curiousity i went and did it again. yeah. infj. description can be found here

actually pretty true. and sort of implies the quirky alone as well.

regarding babies? absolutely. when i was four or someting my aunt told my dad that i was brutally honest. and i've just learned to be nicer about it is all. are we going swimming? i have to email you.

you are right on the describing of children, i'm still uninscribing parental descriptors from myself.

there was flirting in seattle. :)

pyr: that's all the details you get!

nat: dude i'm sorry i scared you.

hunee: did did did!


8/22/2006 09:31:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

:) thank you Sass.

8/22/2006 10:51:00 PM  

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