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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Thursday, August 03, 2006

most lions roar, but some whimper

.
i don't usually do this sort of thing because i always feel that if you say something like:

"*dance of glee*

*dance of glee*

*dance of glee*

my birthday is in nine days!"

you're asking for presents somehow. and i'm not. i don't mind presents or object to them or anything, in fact i quite like them... but that's not what i'm talking about. i just love my birthday because with very few exceptions it has always proven to be a special day.

not always easy, but nearly always special.

take this year for example, there's a camping party at my friend six's place and my band is PLAYING IT! wheeee!

i mean what's not to love right? there will be partying and music and lots of people i love and a whole host of other leos to celebrate with. seriously one year there was like eight of us! this year there will be four for sure and after that i don't know who else is coming.

this is a strange birthday for me as you all know because i'm giving up old dreams and moving on with my life. lovely stuff and all but it's hard.

it is also, interestingly enough, opening me up to many more possibilities than i had noticed before. i see things in life that i wasn't seeing because i had gotten focused on a goal. i've realised, for example, that other than some people and clients that i love there is nothing holding me here and that here doesn't make me that happy anymore.

.i've realised that i might actually want to move to europe or to australia and that really about two years from now is the time to do it
.i see that i'm settling into this life without necessarily choosing it
.i've noticed that i am often unhappy
.i lack fulfilment
.i'm getting stagnant
.i feel my life is passing me by (sam roberts)
.i need challenge for my spirit
.i seek inspiration
.

this happens to me every year around the end of summer and i don't know if it's my birthday that brings it or the coming fall season. i know that it's pretty regular and i think it's a symptom of coming fall but i'm certain that birthdays exacerbate it.

the other night the moon was hanging fat and low and you could see it was only going to get redder and fatter and somehow i think it reminded my body that it's coming up on harvest time. where does it come from this drive to reflect on our lives and look for growth?

do people who live at the equator do this every year too? is it hard wired into our dna?

personally i don't actually think so, i feel that it comes from our northern (or way south of course) weather and that the idea of harvest and lying fallow and renewal and rebirth is very much a part of our blood but because we're from here and not because it's hard wired into people.

i wonder if this affects people in costa rica and i suspect that it doesn't (in san jose the temperature is within five degrees of itself all year long) or that if it does it's not to the same extent. lsd once said that one of the things he didn't like about florida was that there weren't any rain days for getting all introverted and introspective on.

when i asked him if the natives noticed the lack he said that he didn't think so and that he thought this to be a particularly northeastern phenomenon. i don't know that i would limit it to this area but i definetely feel that the rhythms here suit me.

or maybe i suit them?

they grew me after all.

anyway it's my birthday and i'm reflecting. if i'm lucky i will reflect enough that on my actual birthday i'll party instead of staring at a wall. in fact i'm helping this along with a cleansing fast.

we won't mention how badly i'm craving ice cream and it's only my first day.

i will mention that i'm really enjoying the drink even though it sounds like the most repulsive thing ever and that unlike most of the food i've eaten lately it actually tastes good to my body. weird, but good.

see i've been planning this fast for something like a year and months ago i had decided to do it when i finished my july menstrual cycle. unfortunately this coincided with two dinners at my parents place and then hillside was coming and i didn't want to be recovering from fasting while i was at a festival in a heatwave.

i know, shock.

so i decided to start yesterday. i failed at that but i did start today so i'll call it success.

what's interesting is that my body seems to have known this was coming and been anticipating it. for a few weeks now food hasn't been tasting very good and i've been having a hard time forcing myself to eat.

of course i know that the heat is involved in my total lack of interest in food, as is the continuous ridiculous amounts of abdominal work i do to my life. i mean man those puppies are tired from rr this morning (special reschedule, long story why) and it makes me feel vaguely nauseous a lot of the time.

but still, i feel like i need to fast. i've been feeling it for a while but i didn't think that i was ready last year. and i wasn't. and frankly? it's a lot easier to fast when it's too fucking hot out to eat.

after my accident i ate a LOT of mcdonald's and the like. like we're talking sometimes eight times a week and stuff. it's repulsive to me to think about it and frankly i don't think i will ever again (or before for that matter) eat like that. nor do i think i will want to. universe i hope not... good christ it frightens me to think about what level of crap would have to hit my personal fan for me to actually do that.

anyway i lived off junk food and things i could make in less than five minutes (remember that it hurt to stand up and i lived with a guy who had a junk food cupboard) for a long time and even after i started pilates i kept eating badly for quite a bit longer.

and i mean bad food.

so i ate a lot of toxins and poisons and things that aren't real food and all sorts of things that tend to clog up your digestion. and ever since then my guts haven't worked as well nor have they smelled as good.

i know that a lot of the dietary changes that i've made will lead to more active digestion but i also feel like i have a pile of bullshit left in my guts that it's time to flush out.

othercat told me once that he read that you have up to ten pounds of crap just sitting in your intestines. ten pounds. that's fucked up.

so the surprisingly good drink is made of fresh squeezed lemon juice, dark maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. i know it sounds fucking repulsive doesn't it? i think so too really. and then i tried it. i seriously half thought i wouldn't make it past the first five minutes of fasting. but it works.

it's inexplicable. the sugar in the maple syrup combines with the citrus and the pepper to make you feel strangely well filled. i can't comprehend it. it must be revolting it must!

but it isn't.

course i'll tell you more as it happens. i'm stoked to see how i feel next week.

apparently making food takes a lot of time and fasting frees you up. it will be interesting to see what takes it's place. mostly introspection these days :)

29 Comments:

Blogger HuneeB said...

Okay funny I was just thinking about sending you an email to ask for your address to send you sumtin but I was hesitant cause I wasn't sure if you would be okay with that? I am not a stalker or anything...

I've had the date on my calendar since we talked about it in your blogroll a long time ago...

8/04/2006 12:48:00 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

*goes back to reading post*

8/04/2006 12:48:00 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Hey Sass I got that fast from a friend about a year ago and have held onto it to try it. Even bought a juicer to do it. Recently I was REALLY thinking about doing it, has just been a matter of timing and scheduling not eating around events...tell me how it goes! Everyone I have talked to has told me it is fantastic! I think I will be doing it in August maybe next week even! Wow weird coinkydik!

8/04/2006 12:58:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

i get all introspective like this around my birthday and around new year's... convenient, since they're about six months apart.

but i digress (as usual). i think it's fabulous that you're seeing new possibililties in your future. even if you don't act on any right away, it means everything that they're there.

and what are we going to do for your birthday??

8/04/2006 01:22:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: check your email :)

i had a blog stalker once but she moved on *grin*

oh man i totally forgot i actually said the date out loud there. i rarely do that! that conversation over there is ridiculously cute.


hunee three: so far i like the drink, i kind of want more of it. day two may be very different though.

i might not eat on my birthday from this (i haven't picked an end day... somewhere after five and before ten depending on how i feel) and i've made my peace with it. i don't want to be fasting in seattle.

i'll keep y'all updated. i love coincidences like that.


terry: nice. i get february. so maybe we all need six month bouts of introspection.

thank you, maybe you helped inspire that somehow with your awesome move. i like that they're there again, i'd forgotten them.

well there's a leo fest shindig thingy that i'm going to and my band is playing? does anyone want to come with?

8/04/2006 01:34:00 AM  
Blogger stoned.nerd said...

happy birthday in advance!

8/04/2006 01:38:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

why february?

it's funny how one day, you feel stuck and there seem to be no possibilities, and the next, there they are! mine were definitely a long time coming.

really, i'm so glad you're seeing some. that's an excellent birthday gift.

are geminis welcome at a leo fest??

8/04/2006 01:50:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

oh pick australia! Its just the best, and I already know of at least ONE person who would take ya for coffee :)

8/04/2006 05:26:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nerd: thanks!


terry: dunno, i blame the weather and the lack of sunlight but it is pretty consistent.

yeah that is funny and i totally know what you mean! and you're right, it is an awesome birthday present and i hadn't thought of it that way!

of course, everyone is, you just have to wish all the leos happy birthday!


deb: make that two since one of my oldest friends is there too...

i would babe but they won't let me WORK!

8/04/2006 09:09:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

awesome, good luck with the fast. never done it, but i am very interested to see you go first cuz i'm interested in going next. :)

8/04/2006 12:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: you and hunee can be my backup fasters *snerk*

anyway so far it's pretty easy but it's only day two... real stuff probably doesn't happen for a few more days.

funny what foods look appetizing and what don't, it's changing already.

8/04/2006 02:37:00 PM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

Y'know, I've often wondered about that also. There are a lot of places on the planet that look like fun to visit. BUT I like where I live for some very good reasons and the first one is the four seasons. Not one or two, four complete seasons. Also, being nestled next to the rockies, Alberta has the craziest weather shifts on an hourly basis sometimes. The worst insects I deal with are wasps and mosquitoes. The storms here give some good light shows and only escalate to tornadoes once a decade if that. I'll take -50°C and +30°C, cuz I like them both!

For me, by the end of one season I am plenty ready and looking forward to the next one. I agree that this is a northern characteristic. Not sure if I could live anywhere else. But I certainly plan to visit.

8/04/2006 03:43:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

if you really are fasting, then after day three your sense of smell should get heightened. extremely. which will make up for the disgusting pollen nose/throat episode we've all been through earlier this year. blech.

8/04/2006 08:58:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: we should compare notes on when and how bad and see if our relative latitudes make a difference... we might be surprised.

i like italy too, you can visit winter and otherwise get spring summer and fall. i think i would miss the snow but i'm not sure because toronto doesn't see winter the same way you do in the country.

oh man in vancouver they say if you don't like the weather wait five minutes.

but yeah, you know, that's how i feel about seasons too. well put. and yes, i plan to visit a lot of places too, some for more than a year.


gabi: i really am, i'm doing the lemon one. that's cool with the sense of smell i guess but mine is already pretty killer as it is. i'm sort of afraid.

do you know if there's any truth to the one article i read that said the lemon drink rots your teeth and you should use a straw?

8/04/2006 09:45:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

*snaps fingers and bobs head to the beat*

Sass I am practiving my backup fasting :)

8/04/2006 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

*practicing* I hate when I typo :(

8/04/2006 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

Same here. I intend to spend at least a few months in most of the places I want to see. And when the kids are settled in their lives that'll turn into a year for a few places also.

As for latitudes. I'm @ 54°-110°.

Cheers,

8/04/2006 10:52:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: how's that workin' for ya? :)

also? *snerk*

i hate when i typo too...


pyr: yeah me too, i'm not big on two week trips, that's just when i'm learning where my favourite restaurant is!

i have no idea what my latitude is... google... 43 39

:)

8/05/2006 01:04:00 AM  
Blogger Madame X said...

Sass dance with glee!
We have to celebrate ourselves so that others will know that it's OK to celebrate!

sorry but your drink made me throw up a little bit but kudos to you for drinking it!

8/05/2006 08:05:00 AM  
Blogger Dark Lady said...

You just survived 365 days in this crazy world you should dance and sing and howl at the moon!

8/05/2006 08:06:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

madame: i plan to dance although it's hard to dance when you're in the band *g*

did you actually try it or just read the description? because it sounds awful but it tastes pretty good. :)


dark lady: welcome to my corner of blogland :)

i shall milady, not to mention worship at the altar of a meteor shower :)

8/05/2006 01:47:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

There is nothing wrong with introspection, at harvest time or any other. I'm not sure if I have a seasonal push towards considering change, but I tend to think not, and I don't believe it's related to my proximity to the equator, either. I think I just have had such a constant cycle of change in my life that I very infrequently feel stagnant and more than anything I wish for routine. I'm getting closer to it these days, but still quite a bit more frenzied than I'd like to be.

Anyway that drink does sound repulsive but sometimes repulsive-sounding things are actually quite good. Like milk duds in popcorn. And um, seaweed-wrapped rice with eel sauce. Oh and those weird cayenne-tamarind candies from thailand and vietnam and such.

Good luck with the fasting, let us know how it comes out! (I mean the fasting, not the ... um... excreting)

8/05/2006 06:07:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

Hmmm... I'd like to try a fast to. You'll have to give me the recipe. I forgot I promised myself a fast, and you've reminded me.

My introspection times are September and January.

Its great that you're opening yourself up to the possibilities in life.

Sniff. I will miss you if you move so far!

8/05/2006 10:12:00 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

Sass I've not tried it, yet.
*yucky face*

Maybe...someday

8/06/2006 09:13:00 AM  
Blogger othercat said...

Seasons.... hrm.... I had to leave Texas for several reasons. Firstly, the people are slightly crazy there, and secondly, they don't have seasons like we have here. When the native Texans were shivering in parkas I would don a light sweater and think it was a nice fall day. Then, around March, when Canada is just starting to warm up a bit, the weather is too damn hot. The natives figured I was pretty weird when I told them I thought it was too hot in spring.

It is a small wonder Texans are nuts. They never get to build snowmen.

As far as introspection around birthdays goes, I've celebrated a few birthdays, and it seems like it's always a good time to reevaluate things and think about the ruts we get stuck in. My problem is, I'm always introspective, so I never get away from it. I also don't act on any plans to change my life. I just get despressed and keep doing the same things.

8/06/2006 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jmai: oh i have no beef with introspection although it doesn't always come out as we expect.

my introspection isn't only about considering change, it's also about finding out how i feel about things and looking through new mirrors at what's happening around me.

i get that desire for routine, i think it will be interesting to see what happens to you once you've been in it for a while actually :)

it's strangely yummy, your body wants it even though your tongue doesn't like it that much. inexplicable really.

hee, down four pounds but that's not the point. :)


clarity: okay i'll give you the url i found and the comments from my teacher i got in addition to it if you decide to do it.

well i'm august and february which isn't far off. i'm from sudbury originally and you're from here so the harvest and deep freeze times are different...?

i only ever seem to talk about moving, i wouldn't worry! :)

8/06/2006 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

madame: there's a million fasts out there so no reason to pick this one specifically.

pick one that sounds good to you, personally i love maple syrup and this drink tastes like warm spicy lemonade to me. :)


othercat: well it's texas, i mean you'd have to be nuts with that weather and that kind of politics. then again, i'm sure they all think we're nuts so i guess we're even.

it would be tragic to never build another snowman, it really would.

you know that last paragraph is quite true, do you think that will get you to do something about it? realising that you do it?

8/06/2006 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Ummmm moving to Europe sounds great. Although Mr. Hagfish said the other day, "what about living in Canada?" So hmmm.

Birthdays are always time for reflection. I did my fair share this year and when 30 hits next year I will most likely be taking stock again.

Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing to do.

-N

8/06/2006 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat canada rocks the casbah. you'd be cold in the winter and hot in the summer though so you have to think about that. well or you could move to victoria where it's 'nice' all year and hang out with retired people.

you guys should so come here!!

i didn't do much taking stock at thirty, i just did a lot of 'damm this feels good!'

thanks for that nat :)

8/06/2006 02:51:00 PM  

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