most lions roar, but some whimper

.
i don't usually do this sort of thing because i always feel that if you say something like:

"*dance of glee*

*dance of glee*

*dance of glee*

my birthday is in nine days!"

you're asking for presents somehow. and i'm not. i don't mind presents or object to them or anything, in fact i quite like them... but that's not what i'm talking about. i just love my birthday because with very few exceptions it has always proven to be a special day.

not always easy, but nearly always special.

take this year for example, there's a camping party at my friend six's place and my band is PLAYING IT! wheeee!

i mean what's not to love right? there will be partying and music and lots of people i love and a whole host of other leos to celebrate with. seriously one year there was like eight of us! this year there will be four for sure and after that i don't know who else is coming.

this is a strange birthday for me as you all know because i'm giving up old dreams and moving on with my life. lovely stuff and all but it's hard.

it is also, interestingly enough, opening me up to many more possibilities than i had noticed before. i see things in life that i wasn't seeing because i had gotten focused on a goal. i've realised, for example, that other than some people and clients that i love there is nothing holding me here and that here doesn't make me that happy anymore.

.i've realised that i might actually want to move to europe or to australia and that really about two years from now is the time to do it
.i see that i'm settling into this life without necessarily choosing it
.i've noticed that i am often unhappy
.i lack fulfilment
.i'm getting stagnant
.i feel my life is passing me by (sam roberts)
.i need challenge for my spirit
.i seek inspiration
.

this happens to me every year around the end of summer and i don't know if it's my birthday that brings it or the coming fall season. i know that it's pretty regular and i think it's a symptom of coming fall but i'm certain that birthdays exacerbate it.

the other night the moon was hanging fat and low and you could see it was only going to get redder and fatter and somehow i think it reminded my body that it's coming up on harvest time. where does it come from this drive to reflect on our lives and look for growth?

do people who live at the equator do this every year too? is it hard wired into our dna?

personally i don't actually think so, i feel that it comes from our northern (or way south of course) weather and that the idea of harvest and lying fallow and renewal and rebirth is very much a part of our blood but because we're from here and not because it's hard wired into people.

i wonder if this affects people in costa rica and i suspect that it doesn't (in san jose the temperature is within five degrees of itself all year long) or that if it does it's not to the same extent. lsd once said that one of the things he didn't like about florida was that there weren't any rain days for getting all introverted and introspective on.

when i asked him if the natives noticed the lack he said that he didn't think so and that he thought this to be a particularly northeastern phenomenon. i don't know that i would limit it to this area but i definetely feel that the rhythms here suit me.

or maybe i suit them?

they grew me after all.

anyway it's my birthday and i'm reflecting. if i'm lucky i will reflect enough that on my actual birthday i'll party instead of staring at a wall. in fact i'm helping this along with a cleansing fast.

we won't mention how badly i'm craving ice cream and it's only my first day.

i will mention that i'm really enjoying the drink even though it sounds like the most repulsive thing ever and that unlike most of the food i've eaten lately it actually tastes good to my body. weird, but good.

see i've been planning this fast for something like a year and months ago i had decided to do it when i finished my july menstrual cycle. unfortunately this coincided with two dinners at my parents place and then hillside was coming and i didn't want to be recovering from fasting while i was at a festival in a heatwave.

i know, shock.

so i decided to start yesterday. i failed at that but i did start today so i'll call it success.

what's interesting is that my body seems to have known this was coming and been anticipating it. for a few weeks now food hasn't been tasting very good and i've been having a hard time forcing myself to eat.

of course i know that the heat is involved in my total lack of interest in food, as is the continuous ridiculous amounts of abdominal work i do to my life. i mean man those puppies are tired from rr this morning (special reschedule, long story why) and it makes me feel vaguely nauseous a lot of the time.

but still, i feel like i need to fast. i've been feeling it for a while but i didn't think that i was ready last year. and i wasn't. and frankly? it's a lot easier to fast when it's too fucking hot out to eat.

after my accident i ate a LOT of mcdonald's and the like. like we're talking sometimes eight times a week and stuff. it's repulsive to me to think about it and frankly i don't think i will ever again (or before for that matter) eat like that. nor do i think i will want to. universe i hope not... good christ it frightens me to think about what level of crap would have to hit my personal fan for me to actually do that.

anyway i lived off junk food and things i could make in less than five minutes (remember that it hurt to stand up and i lived with a guy who had a junk food cupboard) for a long time and even after i started pilates i kept eating badly for quite a bit longer.

and i mean bad food.

so i ate a lot of toxins and poisons and things that aren't real food and all sorts of things that tend to clog up your digestion. and ever since then my guts haven't worked as well nor have they smelled as good.

i know that a lot of the dietary changes that i've made will lead to more active digestion but i also feel like i have a pile of bullshit left in my guts that it's time to flush out.

othercat told me once that he read that you have up to ten pounds of crap just sitting in your intestines. ten pounds. that's fucked up.

so the surprisingly good drink is made of fresh squeezed lemon juice, dark maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. i know it sounds fucking repulsive doesn't it? i think so too really. and then i tried it. i seriously half thought i wouldn't make it past the first five minutes of fasting. but it works.

it's inexplicable. the sugar in the maple syrup combines with the citrus and the pepper to make you feel strangely well filled. i can't comprehend it. it must be revolting it must!

but it isn't.

course i'll tell you more as it happens. i'm stoked to see how i feel next week.

apparently making food takes a lot of time and fasting frees you up. it will be interesting to see what takes it's place. mostly introspection these days :)