drops in a bucket

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click on that link, gwan, go... it's a lovely and short little blog entry about why we blog and it reflects my personal philosophy quite nicely.
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i have been reading wil wheaton's blog and it's really good. this is a little tragic because the character he played on st:tng drove me up the wall with rage at his total irritatingness.

i have no actual beef with mr. wheaton of course but you have to know that some feelings had rubbed off. anyway after i overcame by revulsion at reading 'wesley's' blog (three seconds okay?) i realised that i was in fact reading wil's blog and that wil is quite the writer. also an avid poker player which interests me less but nonetheless. also thirty, married and has kids.

i know. imagine it, wesley is all grown up and he isn't lame. he is a total dork but that's all right, so is everyone else i like.

go, go read some. it's fun.
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my fast is entering it's hrm. which day is it. i started around noon on thursday... so tomorrow at noon it will be five full days since i started drinking lemonade rather than eating food. saturday was definetely anger day. sunday was some kind of weird hopelessness day and today wasn't really anything but introspective.

well i started the day wanting to weep with grief because today they started on the fence at nine am instead of ten am. on the monday. of. a. long. weekend. for the love of all that's sacred. and then i did some raging at the owner and property manager [at least the fence and lights are now done and there will be no more fucking against my window (the drilling into the brick four feet above my head was the worst)] and then i snoozed through it for an hour or two and then got up and went climbing.

man i'm weak but strong. it's really weird. like no endurance at all, went to do laps on a five seven and got partway down the second lap and just died. and it's a short five seven too. i did do some all right climbing today but not as nice as yesterday. yesterday i climbed everything i touched.

for the hour i was there.

anyway then i taught for a couple of hours and i do seem to be able to teach while fasting (i'll poll my students next week to see what they think) and then i came home to hang out with othercat. there wasn't really any sort of overwhelming emotion of the day today, it was more just quiet and not talking much and feeling like staring at walls.

by the way, if you decide to fast? they mean it about the laxative tea and the salt water flush. you'll shut down otherwise. i did the first two days without as an experiment and no no no. unfortunately the salt water gizmo doesn't work for me so i'll have to just drink the tea morning and evening.

a little unfortunate as the flush is predictable in it's timing and the tea isn't and well, it's hard to run out of class because your bottom is having a moment.

you're thinking tmi aren't you? well suck it up, if i was describing the head of a penis you'd be enraptured. you would seriously.

look i'll just say penis again.
penis.
penis.
penis.

see? :P
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i have been thinking about my blog lately and i'm not sure how i feel about it these days. i'm definetely in love with it but i've also allowed myself to get dragged into the swirling waters of the online soap operas and i so know better than this.

this is forcing me to think about which blogs i read and why and which voices i want entering my head. it's gotten me considering just how much of my own personal self i want to invest online and it's got me remembering other times i fell into the online world and barely made it out again.

fortunately my body likes to go play on walls so i will leave the house regardless, but i just sometimes wonder if this blog has taken on too much importance in my life. do i care too much? am i reading too many blogs? why am i not getting things done that i want and need to get done?

i suspect this thing has something to do with it and i wonder sometimes if i should really do it. but then i think about the book i want to write and how much better my writing is than it was two years ago and i don't know. is this considered practise?

i know that i need to do it. but i wonder sometimes if i should scale back on the everyone else. but god you're all so much fun to have around! i would miss reading about what's up in your lives if i stopped reading.

t'is a vicious cirlce t'is. i do think that i've done a decent job of surfing that in the last year which is a nice change from my old irc days anyway.

one of the things that i did learn a little more about because of all this introspection was my reason for blogging. i've realised that it's twofold. the easy answer is that this thing is my own personal shrink. the harder one is that if, as seems to be my of course unpredictable fate, i'm not having babies i want to tell someone the things that i learn. i want someone out there to read the things that i find out and get a moment of awe or inspiration or wonder or even just interest.

hell even if all i do is make you look up floccinihilipilification so you can understand that i love that word because it truly is it's own definition. *looks it up to check her spelling* oh crap you'll never find it. let me see if i can remember the definition... archaic meaning small or irrelevant. generally used as an example of one of the longest words in the english language. basically.

whatever, if i can get people thinking and looking around corners and wondering just a bit what the motive behind the story was then i've done something useful. i've helped somehow. i don't have a lot of resources but i can type fast and get people thinking.

but maybe i need to get that happening with things that are closer to mattering. things like what's happening in the middle east. a conflict that i understand enough to see the tragedy of and not more. a conflict that makes me want to incite people to march to parliament hill with signs while chanting one two three four we don't need your fucking war!

i want people with bullhorns to appear from the sixties to excite us to give enough of a shit to make it stop. i want people to raise their children to love each other and want each other and share knowledge with each other. i want their kids to have open minds and hearts and willingness to see the other side of things. i want them to believe that their way isn't the only way and that different is okay.

that different is essential to our well being as a species.

and i believe, desperately, that simply by being a rational voice in the wilderness that i can help that to happen. and i feel like an egotistical twat for saying it, but nonetheless, this blog feels like my little piece of spreading the joy and diminishing the misery.

and i really think that that's important, even if i can't afford the time. and from the number of people who have told me that my honesty or my openness or whatever has inspired them? it seems like i'm right. i mean that's some heavy responsibility right there.

it feels important. if we could all just be nicer to each other and learn to share...

anyone got a bullhorn?