anger management

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i started this post yesterday... and i'm finishing it today and i just need anyone i might have talked with yesterday to get that the first part was BEFORE and then it goes into the AFTER. and as a total aside i would just like to shout out to whomever thought that ten am of the sunday of a long weekend was an appropriate time to build a fence outside my window.

because yeah, not so much and there goes my one day to sleep in for weeks (okay two, i get another chance tomorrow and i have in fact left a voice mail for the property manager to complain)

ten am. jesus fucking christ.
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so.

i take a wander around my regular blog circle pretty much every day. when i have a little more time i wander the blogs that don't update very often and when i have more time than that i wander the new ones i'm getting to know and the really sporadic ones and finally, if it's a long weekend and i have no plans i wander the next blog button.

so sometimes i don't notice things right away. because you know, if y'all update once a month i don't check you that often and so if i miss blogroll telling me you updated i don't see it for a while. and sometimes (like right now) it takes me a while to catch up from the two week frenzy surrounding something like hillside.

thus it took me a while to notice that i'm getting delinked lately. hell i got delinked on a blog where i'm the most regular commenter.

and yes, if you're wondering? it does feel like a slap in the face. it's extra funny to add people only to find yourself unlinked. i don't know why it feels like a slap in the face but it really does.

i shouldn't be offended, i shouldn't let my need for acclaim get the better of me, i shouldn't take online forums personally, i shouldn't just get hurt and slink away rather than saying something, i shouldn't care.

i get that.

i also get that the word should is horrible and laced with guilt and tends to make people feel so bad about things that they still don't do whatever it is they need to get done. instead they just pile more guilt weight on to something. which is sort of why i used it in this context, i'm using a word i shoulnd't use to describe how i shouldn't feel.

there's no power in the word should, only guilt. could, would, might, may, can, will all have power in them. but should, it just piles on the guilt and leaves you feeling worse than you were. there just isn't any goodness there.

so should is a shitty word.
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at this point i made the mistake of sending email about my feelings regarding a certain post that a certain lady i've known through blogger for at least a year had posted. that she had taken down my link at the same time as she wrote the post (or at least close enough that i saw them together) made me feel it about three times as strongly as i might otherwise have done.

and i'm fasting. and the thing with fasting is that one of the things it does is cleanse your mind.

and i had it in my head that 'cleanse your mind' was all sweetness and light. that it would help me find direction and some sort of like higher peace or whatever. seriously y'all picture like hearts and flowers and little twinkling stars of happy cleansing.

yeah.

now anyone who has ever cleansed a nasty, dirty wound can tell you that cleansing isn't like that in the slightest, in fact it's the opposite. when you clean a festering sore it hurts and it bubbles and it keeps oozing grossness long past the point where you think your body can make such ickyness.

and somehow in spite of all my first aid training i didn't think about the alternate possibilities inherent in the word cleanse. i just thought about how clean and shiny everything would be when it was done.

i forgot about the scrubbing.

and yesterday? the scrubbing hit me over the head with a vengeance.

in addition to taking a class from the goddess where she focused on a kind of movement that is almost impossible for me i also had an altercation with a landlord that left me reeling in bafflement. there i was checking out the water pressure and dude kicked me out and told me to stop wasting his time.

weird because i liked the place. anyway because my roommate wasn't there he considered it a waste of time and i was thus useless to him. baffling. turns out he doesn't let his applications out of his sight and i hadn't realised that. nor had he told me.

anyway that left me muttering and stunned directly upon arriving home to blogland and my little discoveries.

i do think that an intense level three mat class was a tough call on a fasting day, especially hour forty eight where it's just hitting my body that i'm really not going to feed it for days.

anyway rr worked our back ribs and thoracic spines and various other spots i have trouble with and i was high repeatedly through the class and had to collapse after like four reps of some things.

in case y'all don't know this people and women especially carry their emotional memories in their bodies and my body is locked in exactly the places that we worked yesterday so i'm certain that with those endorphin rushes came some release of other chemicals as well.

in fact right about when i got home to blogland is when that shit was hitting the hardest and i was RAGING you guys. i mean raging in a way that makes me flinch and wrinkly in my brow today to think about. raging like stunned at the depth of my own anger. raging like i don't even really get where that stuff comes from.

although the little flashes in my tummy as i type this gives me a hint that i'm going to find out in the next few days. i know that i have a lot of left over bull shit from my accident that i haven't really lanced and what i guess i didn't realise was how much anger i was still forming.

what am i so mad about? why am i feeling so unhappy and unfulfilled? these and other questions brought to you by sassfast 2006.

and to the lady i emailed yesterday when i really should have been curled up on my bed with my own brain? i'm really sorry.