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Sunday, August 06, 2006

anger management

.
i started this post yesterday... and i'm finishing it today and i just need anyone i might have talked with yesterday to get that the first part was BEFORE and then it goes into the AFTER. and as a total aside i would just like to shout out to whomever thought that ten am of the sunday of a long weekend was an appropriate time to build a fence outside my window.

because yeah, not so much and there goes my one day to sleep in for weeks (okay two, i get another chance tomorrow and i have in fact left a voice mail for the property manager to complain)

ten am. jesus fucking christ.
.

so.

i take a wander around my regular blog circle pretty much every day. when i have a little more time i wander the blogs that don't update very often and when i have more time than that i wander the new ones i'm getting to know and the really sporadic ones and finally, if it's a long weekend and i have no plans i wander the next blog button.

so sometimes i don't notice things right away. because you know, if y'all update once a month i don't check you that often and so if i miss blogroll telling me you updated i don't see it for a while. and sometimes (like right now) it takes me a while to catch up from the two week frenzy surrounding something like hillside.

thus it took me a while to notice that i'm getting delinked lately. hell i got delinked on a blog where i'm the most regular commenter.

and yes, if you're wondering? it does feel like a slap in the face. it's extra funny to add people only to find yourself unlinked. i don't know why it feels like a slap in the face but it really does.

i shouldn't be offended, i shouldn't let my need for acclaim get the better of me, i shouldn't take online forums personally, i shouldn't just get hurt and slink away rather than saying something, i shouldn't care.

i get that.

i also get that the word should is horrible and laced with guilt and tends to make people feel so bad about things that they still don't do whatever it is they need to get done. instead they just pile more guilt weight on to something. which is sort of why i used it in this context, i'm using a word i shoulnd't use to describe how i shouldn't feel.

there's no power in the word should, only guilt. could, would, might, may, can, will all have power in them. but should, it just piles on the guilt and leaves you feeling worse than you were. there just isn't any goodness there.

so should is a shitty word.
.

at this point i made the mistake of sending email about my feelings regarding a certain post that a certain lady i've known through blogger for at least a year had posted. that she had taken down my link at the same time as she wrote the post (or at least close enough that i saw them together) made me feel it about three times as strongly as i might otherwise have done.

and i'm fasting. and the thing with fasting is that one of the things it does is cleanse your mind.

and i had it in my head that 'cleanse your mind' was all sweetness and light. that it would help me find direction and some sort of like higher peace or whatever. seriously y'all picture like hearts and flowers and little twinkling stars of happy cleansing.

yeah.

now anyone who has ever cleansed a nasty, dirty wound can tell you that cleansing isn't like that in the slightest, in fact it's the opposite. when you clean a festering sore it hurts and it bubbles and it keeps oozing grossness long past the point where you think your body can make such ickyness.

and somehow in spite of all my first aid training i didn't think about the alternate possibilities inherent in the word cleanse. i just thought about how clean and shiny everything would be when it was done.

i forgot about the scrubbing.

and yesterday? the scrubbing hit me over the head with a vengeance.

in addition to taking a class from the goddess where she focused on a kind of movement that is almost impossible for me i also had an altercation with a landlord that left me reeling in bafflement. there i was checking out the water pressure and dude kicked me out and told me to stop wasting his time.

weird because i liked the place. anyway because my roommate wasn't there he considered it a waste of time and i was thus useless to him. baffling. turns out he doesn't let his applications out of his sight and i hadn't realised that. nor had he told me.

anyway that left me muttering and stunned directly upon arriving home to blogland and my little discoveries.

i do think that an intense level three mat class was a tough call on a fasting day, especially hour forty eight where it's just hitting my body that i'm really not going to feed it for days.

anyway rr worked our back ribs and thoracic spines and various other spots i have trouble with and i was high repeatedly through the class and had to collapse after like four reps of some things.

in case y'all don't know this people and women especially carry their emotional memories in their bodies and my body is locked in exactly the places that we worked yesterday so i'm certain that with those endorphin rushes came some release of other chemicals as well.

in fact right about when i got home to blogland is when that shit was hitting the hardest and i was RAGING you guys. i mean raging in a way that makes me flinch and wrinkly in my brow today to think about. raging like stunned at the depth of my own anger. raging like i don't even really get where that stuff comes from.

although the little flashes in my tummy as i type this gives me a hint that i'm going to find out in the next few days. i know that i have a lot of left over bull shit from my accident that i haven't really lanced and what i guess i didn't realise was how much anger i was still forming.

what am i so mad about? why am i feeling so unhappy and unfulfilled? these and other questions brought to you by sassfast 2006.

and to the lady i emailed yesterday when i really should have been curled up on my bed with my own brain? i'm really sorry.

32 Comments:

Blogger all bitched out said...

apology accepted :)

now go rest under the covers and maybe take some time today to piece things together.

the the biggest challenges are also the most rewarding.

xoxo, T

8/06/2006 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

t: i think i feel safe to go outside today. i was just reading more about this fast i'm on and it says you tend to go through shit like this on a daily basis, and different things each day.

weird i know but kind of cool too.

i have to go to the store, if i manage not to kill any of the clerks i'll take it from there *grin*

and yes, it's true, i describe my accident as the most horrible positive experience of my life for just that reason.

thank you for accepting my apology :)

8/06/2006 01:04:00 PM  
Blogger factory_peasant said...

i came to severly dislike the word *should* as well, but for purely annoying reasons at work.

over the years what i came to discover was anytime i had a fellow employee tell me the test code *should* work, or that a malfunctioning instrument *should* be fixed now, or new software *should* be released... what those bastards were actually telling me was they didn't have a clue whether or not something was useable and functioning properly. they were really saying "i don't fucking know if that is working."

should truly is a dirty word...

8/06/2006 01:09:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

lemon doesn't rot your teeth. it just dissolves them.

and hey, there must be something in the air, water, somewhere. you ain't the only one who got into a rage the other day. however, i don't regret it at all.

8/06/2006 01:29:00 PM  
Blogger stoned.nerd said...

i think 'maybe' is a dirtier word.

as trivial as it may seem, i'm with you on the bit about delinking. it's akin a mate deleting your number from his cellphone. then you send a message and all you get back is a 'who is this?'

rightttt.

anyway i know something about anger management. you just let rip and say 'fuck off'. very loudly.

hope this helps. *GRINS*

8/06/2006 01:36:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

peasant: oh man i so know that. even in tech support if we said should it meant 'help me by getting off the phone and calling back and getting someone else.' :)

oh man dude i so hear you.


gabi: good to know, i'm off to acquire straws as soon as i finish commenting.

well you know there could well be, people nearly always all influence each other and this war in the middle east has everyone a lot more upset than they're noticing.


nerd: maybe huh? why do you say that?

yeah that's just how it feels too. it's nice to know i'm not the only one. and i've had that mate do that very thing as well.

hee! i did that but i was akin to israel's version of moderate retaliation. overkill.

big time overkill

but yeah, sometimes you just have to shout at the top of your lungs.

it all helps babe.

8/06/2006 01:40:00 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

I get de listed on a regular basis. I used to have a lovely circle of link buddies that I read and commented on their blogs occassionally. I don't always have something to say so I don't say anything, but I do read regularily. For some that isn't the way to stay linked. I know I haven't been all postess with the mosteset but I am still an avid reader of many blogs and I try not to take it personal when I get de linked, I just reciporcate. I have linked to people who will never read or link to my blog and that's ok. I reciprocate the delink because, even though I don't have a large bunch of commnetors or even a particularily large readership, I can't find it in my heart to keep reading someone's blog who isn't reading mine.

8/06/2006 01:49:00 PM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

I guess I'm the equivalent of a blog slut then, cuz I read so many other blogs, I can't even remember all of the pages that I have visited! I also don't keep track of who has me linked cuz it isn't important to me.

As for "should" I can't seem to find the french equivalent! Any ideas? English is such a bitch of a language that I've taken to using translations as the measure of how nasty a particular word is!

For anger management I'm the type that doesn't hold stuff in at all! I deal with most shit right away. Yelling is always good! Breaking stuff isn't so good!

8/06/2006 03:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sassinak... I've had fun reading your blog so I'm linking you to my site. You'll be in good company. Promise.

Btw... as much as being de-linked can hurt, it is also probably a lot better than finding an entire post dedicated to what a bitch you are. (please ... PLEASE ask me who did this...) I think I'd prefer the elimination of my blog's link but hey... that's just me.

8/06/2006 03:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Gut chick said...

I have to ask again because I didn't get a response (you were off at hillside). Do you have a journal or are all your thoughts out there for everyone?

I love reading your blog. If I had a site, I'd link you. I don't think I'd post often enough to keep a steady readership.

Don't forget to let me know about pilates instructors in my area (you said to remind you before 8/20:) )

8/06/2006 04:54:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

yeah, shoulding all over yourself is never a good thing. we should (heh) all stop that.

and i had no idea a fast would dredge up this much emotional stuff, but now that you mention it, it makes complete sense. a perfect example of the mind-body connection.

and it will be so great when everything is all shiny and pink again. it's just not easy getting there.

hang in there!

8/06/2006 07:15:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

amber: i don't expect the people i link to link me, but i certainly appreciate it. nor do i read all of the blogs of the people that comment here, but i sure read a large percentage.

yeah i've reciprocated a few de linkings and not others. and i've linked folks who will never come here again.


pyr: it's when someone you thought liked you takes you off their links list... you're like hey aren't we buddies? what the fuck?

if it's someone i don't know who has or doesn't have me linked i pay no attention, they don't comment here they don't get linked...

devoir is like should but more like must

i try to deal with stuff right away but i occasionally fail just like everyone else...


anon: now i'm all curious who you are :)

wow someone did that to you? good christ who? and yeah, given a choice i pick delinking :)

8/06/2006 07:32:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gut: hillside is the only post ever where i didn't answer the comments. no, i don't have a journal other than this. :)

i'm glad to hear that you love reading my blog, i quite like your comments! hey you know i always think there should be a sub-blog where people like you and princess valium could all do occasional posts. bet it would get posted to a lot.

good job now send me an email next week *grin*


terry: we really should *giggle*

i didn't know that it would do that either but in retrospect it makes a lot of sense. this is a cleanse after all.

dammit why isn't anything ever easy? :)

(i know, because then i wouldn't value it)

thanks!

8/06/2006 07:34:00 PM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

Well wonder no more... :)

I actually had some guy who was a frequent commenter on a group blog I frequented post an entire month's worth of write ups on his blog about me. The guy obviously had no life. I mean, had we been an airline, he'd have enough frequent flier miles to fly several times to the moon and back. I tried to be nice but he started getting creepy when our statcounter revealed dozens of visits within a two hour period from his IP to see if I'd responded.

When I didn't respond as he wanted he started getting personal and it pretty much went to hell from there. He actually had us linked on his site at one point. But when he got pissed off after the admin told him his comments were becoming too harsh, he brought down the link and posted photochopped pics he'd downloaded from the old site of me and other women who'd apparently rebuffed him on the net.

Imagine that? Weirdos on the blogosphere. Whodathunkit?

8/06/2006 08:19:00 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

I try fatting quite a bit, but it is tough to eat when not hungry. Fasting, I dunno. I do have some questions for you. Nothing odd I promise you. I am thinking of adding some non-traditional training to my powerlifting world. Had a few questions on speed, explosive strength, flexibility. Email me when you get a chance, but after the fasting as I don't want my head bitten off...at least not right now. strongerthansome@gmail.com

8/06/2006 08:27:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I can't believe you are able to fast..........well actually yes I can because from what I know about you, you can do it.......I on the otherhand, could not.......so good for you for having the discipline and strength to fast.

8/06/2006 09:30:00 PM  
Blogger TheMissouriSavage said...

The closest I ever came to fasting was when I was first living on my own, lost my job and lived for one week on two snicker bars and three packages of ramen noodles... I bow to your superior willpower.

8/06/2006 09:48:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

fatting... hahahahahahahah. i'm SO stealing that word.

see, that's something that's easy, sass!

8/06/2006 11:03:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

spared: welcome to idle mind :)

geeze that guy sounds like he had way too much time on his hands. i have to say that would creep me out something fierce! i've done the tons of visits thing when i've left a comment on a blog i frequent... but only if i'm sitting around surfing blogs anyway. suddenly i feel creepy.

that's pretty creepy regardless, and i have to say that would get me hiding even deeper than i already do on the net. right now i'm findable, but i can make it not so very easily.

heh weirdos everywhere huh?


cas: oh next time you can't eat when you're not hungry try smoking weed, it helps a treat.

well my email address is on my sidebar, drop me your questions and i'll answer the ones i know the answer to. the rage was yesterday, today is despair, tomorrow will be something different.


kj: i can't believe i am either. it helps a lot that it's a zillion degrees outside so no one wants to eat anyway.

my teacher does seventeen day ones, i'm only after six. i would never have thought it was something i could do before but i can tell you for certain that i'll do it again.

if feels really good.

and thanks :)

8/06/2006 11:12:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

savage: i've done that sort of thing with popcorn when i was a lot younger.

you know i couldn't have done it when i was twenty but it's easy now in part because my digestion has never returned to normal after i poisoned it for a year after my accident. i'm hoping this reboots.


terry: yeah i know me too!

hee you're right, fatting up is way too easy!

8/06/2006 11:23:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

Hrm... well then I apologize for calling you at 10:00 AM to see if you wanted to go swimming. I did wait four hours after waking up to give you time to sleep in though. Perhaps swimming while on a fast is not the wisest course of action in any case.

I used to fast regularly. I'd like to try fasting again. I think the longest I ever fasted was three days.

Yes should is a nasty word. Its like: I don't really want to do this, but someone else wants me to do it (or some other part of myself). There's an internal conflict built right into the word.

8/07/2006 01:25:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

I fast every night from the time I go to bed till the minute I wake up...so I get it completely. :)

Hey...don't snap at me!

8/07/2006 08:52:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Hmmmm... yes...anger. It gets a bad reputation at times. Anger, meassured, is not all that bad. Those people who never show anger and repress it all are the ones that finally break and climb to the terrace one idle Tuesday morning and shoot random people.

Of course there's the anger that is boundless and that one can be scary. I have a temper. Not a bad one...but it's there. Beneath the patience and the loving demeanor is the slow ticking. But I also know how to show my anger and control it. And I also know when I'm done taking it out for a little walk.

Asking what you are mad about is crucial, though. Most people's tempers flare as a result of the last straw and most of their anger is not about that last event or person. The volcano erupting has been a slow build-up.

2006 has thrown some curve balls indeed. I have felt a bit karmicly picked on a few times. Especially with the tooth falling out and some of the stuff at work. But there is more stuff inside possibly. Digging down to the root of the anger is an ugly and dirty job...but it's necessary.

And, also, who would delink YOU? Crazy stuff. But I've had that happen too. Suckage.

*huggles*

-N

8/07/2006 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

clarity: my ringer has been off all weekend, and in your case i wish i'd gotten the message, lot more fun than lying in bed cursing an electrician.

well i've been climbing and teaching and taking classes... why stop now?

i'm really enjoying this and can say for certain that there will be short fasts in my future and the occasional really long one. this one will be six days but next summer will be ten i think.

yes! that's exactly what it is!


kathi: snapping was saturday, unhappiness was sunday, i look forward to finding out what my toxin of the day is today.


nat: you and your voice of reason. you are of course correct, anger is a necessary emotion because without it we would just let people screw us whenever they wanted to.

and you're also correct that anger must be acknowledged and dealt with or it festers and turns into something icky and nasty and you blow up at a nice lady who didn't deserve it.

i'm like that as well but lately i find that city life and needing four hundred dollars more this month than i can conceivably make with no cushion or way to get it is really stressing me out. like a lot... and i think i wasn't acknowledging that to myself.

i like that ... asking what people are mad about. i think i don't do that enough.

2006 has thrown a lot of sinkers... nice fat easy pitch that drops a second before you swing at it... and then you feel like it's your fault. but that's just me.

well at least one of them thought i didnt' welcome them here anymore. no idea on anyone else :)

sucks don't it.

8/07/2006 12:07:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

Fasts are intersting. My doctor brother swears their shit, and changing and limiting your eating habits that much seriously does affect your moods.

Hell, cutting back on foods and portion sizes makes people into walking time bombs, so I can imagine how living on juice and juice alone may be

2006 has sucked more dick than i could have ever imagined, and i'm done having high hopes for the upcoming year, or the winds of change rearing their smugly grinning head and giving this year something worthwhile to remember.

it is what it is, and i'm still here. the end.

so what's wrong with being angry once in a while? anger is a driving force, just like fear...

8/07/2006 12:09:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: the people i know that have fasted have had universally positive experiences with it. that said, i just sort of didn't realise that my moods would be affected as toxins got flushed from my body. other than the effect on moods why does your bro think they're shit?

funnily enough i find this easier than cutting portion sizes. weird huh?

i'm sad that 2006 has sucked such total cock for you, i've had some definite setbacks but the year has also been okay for me. not great but okay and better than last year.

i think the being still here is pretty much all we can ask for.

well i don't mind being angry but go ask the dude about what's wrong with it when it's misdirected.

8/07/2006 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey like the new avatar!

8/07/2006 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

half of our managers are doing some hoodoo-voodoo vegan cleansing thing for three weeks ... no caffeine, no nicotine, no lotta things ... lord save me and the rest who aren't! LOL

and you know you will always have a place on my blogroll, darlin' ;)

8/07/2006 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger RobynB said...

Sass, when I can think of nothing better to say, this is what you get:

Hugs

I mean that. Seriously.

8/07/2006 01:14:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: mine isn't vegan it's just a cleanse... and i will start eating just like i did before about three days after i finish :)

what are they doing to y'all?

aw thanks deeze, right back atcha.


robyn: fair enough, i do the same thing :)

*huggers*

8/07/2006 03:27:00 PM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

I really can't imagine what fasting is like. But that elixir sounded like it would be interesting to taste!

8/07/2006 07:24:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

it's like spicy lemonade, strangely delish.

8/08/2006 12:44:00 AM  

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