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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

i ain't missin' you at all...

do you ever find yourself just viscerally missing something?

wishing it was there and knowing that there was no way on earth that it could be there? that it wasn't really ever there in the first place? that nothing you could do would render it there?

it doesn't matter what it is... a lost love, a lost dog, a lost life, job, friend, cat, wife, object, thought... it doesn't matter.

something that was never yours but for a while there you could pretend.

these things hurt in the same places in yourself that the flinch memories hurt. you know, those things that you did that you really wish you hadn't. i could list examples but they would hurt everyone they touched whether i was thinking of that person or not.

suffice to say that these are memories that even dulled by distance? cut you just a little. the ones that make you flinch even in retrospect. yeah, the flinch memories. you're welcome to share yours and i'm willing to share a couple of mine if y'all ask but no one needs to.

they make us flinch. that's really all that we need to know.

but some things acquire that same power without all the intervening trauma. well okay they have trauma but it isn't as sharp. it isn't as easy as remembering a single incident.

instead these are things that just hurt you. the things that maybe you can't understand, that you can't quite reconcile no matter how many times you prod at them.

less like a stab wound and more like being beaten with bats through a phone book... the trauma is deeper but harder to see...

the scabs that won't heal if you will. just places in your memory that you don't let go of easily and that you try never to visit.

the ones where you shake your head or you sigh.

okay so there's a place inside of us right? that feels things that it doesn't put into words very well... that place that understands with a stab that brings tears to the eyes... the one that wells up at long distance commercials because of the losses they imply.

sometimes, things get under our skin or into our hearts and even while we know that we shouldn't or that we aren't being wise we let it happen anyway... and sometimes, remembering those times is enough to run the tears down your cheeks. [well i'm projecting since i don't know how to cry]

and you might think i'm talking about men or jobs or family but ask kathi about itty bitty and she'll tell you that she hurts inside for her too. i'm not talking about anything specific at all.

although i will admit that something specific motivated this post.

i miss something. i miss it viscerally and i miss it all the time... and i can't ever have it ... no, not ever.

and it hurts in the same place as a bunch of really shitty things that happened to me hurt. that place where i sort of recognize that i haven't really dealt with it but that i shove everything anyway.

the junk drawer of my brain if you will. (although i call it the black hole)

except that lately mine has popped open and been spewing things at me...

unexpected things, things from the distant past and the near past and even a couple from the future. yes you can mourn losses in the future, i'm mourning my life as a single mom right now... and ever so slightly the life i didn't get to live with my ex husband... but that's old and well mourned that one.

i have very few regrets about the life that i'm living and the choices that i've made. were i given my life to live over again i would act differently because i *know* how to deal with bullies now... but would i change a lot of my fundamental choices?


i really wouldn't, those choices have turned me into the person that i am now, warts and all i like who i'm becoming. would i erase those flinch memories?

maybe one or two... the ones that didn't really make any appreciable difference to my growth or that one... that one that still just stabs perfectly when i think of it... the one that stole my innocent exploration of the sexual universe [no, i wasn't raped]... i might change that.

but i might not too... and because we aren't given to live our lives again i can't ever know if i would make that decision differently a second time.

but the missing. that visceral feeling of being punched in the solar plexus?

i don't think there's any way you can change that part. i think you're stuck with it. i don't think you ever get that feeling unless you opened yourself up to something and took a chance.

that act of faith where you leap and hope that the net appears below you, and it often does. of course, just as often?

yeah not so much and you go splat on the hard concrete floor.

i don't even mind that i'm missing what i'm missing, i'm okay with it and all. it does speak to a significantly higher level of boredom than i had realised though which implies that i need to do some work on what i do with my time.

or that it was summer and i wasn't working enough.

i just wonder why it has to hurt so much. why some things just don't feel better with time. sure they get less sharp or they get smaller or the flinch isn't as big but they're still there living inside of you.

and i don't mean the bullshit from school, that fades by the wayside one day when you aren't looking and then it's gone forever. it's not the same as what happens to you when you're an adult and you're the one guiding the ship you're sailing on.

then you're responsible and you hold on to things for a lot longer.

good for lessons, not so good for healing.

missing sucks.


Blogger Spill The Beans said...

You know what I missed the most in my crappy marriage? I missed ME.

9/06/2006 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

oh man babe, that's the worst thing of all to miss!

9/06/2006 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

I'm still trying to figure out viscerally....sassinak to moron dictionary is not helping me today...lol...what a great post...such emotion in so few words...

9/06/2006 02:46:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cas: the dictionary.com definition is here but it's kind of shitty.

the viscera are the guts basically so if you feel something viscerally you feel it physically like a punch or strike to the gut.

basically :)

and thank you.

9/06/2006 06:23:00 PM  
Blogger RobynB said...

Missing does suck big green goat toes.

I'm sorry for your pain.

9/06/2006 06:59:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Having that empty feeling is one of the worst emotions a person can feel......it does hurt.

I know this feeling........

I'm sorry you are feeling this way

9/06/2006 07:43:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

Wow, Sass! What a post. You hit on something we can all relate to.

I like the junk drawer analogy. My junk drawer is overflowing.

9/06/2006 07:49:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

I know what you mean by the flinch memories... I can't put my fingre on one just now but I get the concept. Still, it was really hard for me to follow this post and I'm not sure that I get it even now after reading it twice... but it seems to me that you need a hug so here's a little cyberlove for ya -hugs muchly-

9/06/2006 09:16:00 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

Missing does suck.
To me it's like that falling in your sleep feeling only instead of the abrupt end which wakes you up in a cold sweat, that whoosing empty feeling just stays and stays and sometimes you forget about it but then some thing makes you remember and suddenly your whooshing through emptiness again.

9/06/2006 11:00:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

robyn: thanks babe. it's been an anniversary of sorts kind of time so i'm revisiting old wounds. happens to all of us.

green goat toes... nummers! *giggle*

kj: it really does doesn't it? and it doesn't matter what it's about, the feeling is familiar.

i'll be all right, but i won't mind when something happens to distract me!

sign: i think my drawer is too. damm thing is supposed to be bottomless, didn't it get the memo??

9/07/2006 12:14:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jmai: i'm glad that you don't have any easy to hand flinch memories. it speaks well for the health of your psyche :)

*hugs* and thanks.

i'm really just talking about absences and what they feel like ... in my rambley way.

madame: yes, that's just what it is!

you've nailed it exactly. and that's just what's happened to me. hey, how did i get back here again?

9/07/2006 12:17:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

Sometimes you miss something so much you can't get it off of your mind, then without knowing it, your mind has gone on to think of something else and when you remember what you were missing, it hits you so hard that it's like experiencing it all over again for the first time.

Excellent post.

9/07/2006 12:25:00 AM  
Blogger Leigh said...

I wish there was a way of turning missing off! I hate missing. You are right it does suck.

9/07/2006 04:48:00 AM  
Blogger Dark Lady said...

Whooshing through emptiness.


9/07/2006 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: yeah. that's just where i'm going with this post. i had forgotten all about it and then wham. hit me over the head again.

i'm sure it's part of the healing process, this shit is a lot easier to deal with and handle when you're further away from it.

although it still sucks ass.

leigh: yeah, it really does.

milady: yeah madame nailed it didn't she?

9/07/2006 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger Òrange Juice™ said...

Yea I do especially during hard times

9/07/2006 04:38:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

Great post. But I think you have to be somewhat older to have experienced this missing feeling...?

Hrm. I guess it depends on what your childhood was like. Like if one of your parents or a sibling died - that would be a big, lifetime missing thing.

I find when these feelings are likely to surface depends on what I'm doing in the present. And yeah, anniversaries. They can really throw you.

I can relate to this feeling. Thanks for the post!

9/08/2006 09:07:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

OJ: yeah, it's true that it happens more when your life isn't going as well as it could.

clarity: i don't know. i mean i think everyone has it it just gets deeper and emptier the longer you live. like the possible depth of feeling gets deeper the longer you live.

i don't really know actually...

i don't like anniversaries at all, well i do, but not this kind. this kind hits you when you aren't looking.


9/08/2006 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Hey Sass this post is one of those that is vague in the sense that it doesn’t list a specific event but that it can connect with almost anyone and we all can relate to it. In regards to the post this is one of my evolving theories; That flinch and missing the gut clench and pain that we feel with certain incidences or memories pop up and revisit us because we threw it in that junk drawer instead of dealing with it. Just like a junk drawer it can only hold so much before it won't shut and we have to dump it all out on the floor and sort through it. Deal with it. It's all about confrontation, until we deal with it and stand up to it; admit reflect, grieve, forgive, learn whatever it may be...that missing will fester and keep reappearing. By not confronting this thing do we give it power to still control and take hold of us? That is just my two cents...like I said it is evolving...

Remember how you felt when you got to sit and chat with your ex and that freedom that lifted you and cleared out your heart making room for more...you dealt with a deep cut from your past, faced it and got closure freeing you to move on and grow...just saying it is like that I think...

And yeah missing does suck

9/08/2006 02:56:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: i read this comment at least two weeks ago when you made it and i've been thinking about it ever since. i took it with me to the cottage and everything.

i think in the case of the specific event that motivated this post i'm STILL healing and thus i have that black hole pit still in my tummy.

as for the flinch memories i think you may be right, maybe they're the actions for which i have yet to forgive myself or something.

i'm okay with forgiving others and with grieving but almost all of my flinch memories involve actions on my part that hurt me deeply. and i did them to myself. so you're probably right that an element of forgiveness is required.

with the missing though, i don't know, there are people that i miss viscerally that i hope to not see any time soon... so what does that mean?

i like your two cents.

and yes, i think you have a great point... and yeah, missing sucks.

9/22/2006 11:45:00 AM  

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