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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Thursday, September 21, 2006

inward spiral

.
it's not just the blog.

these days i get to my friends houses to hang out and i just sit there and smile a little and don't say much at all. i just don't have anything to say. we cover the usual topics in a few minutes and then we sit around and smile.

often there is food.

i feel sometimes like i'm not fulfilling my duty as a good friend, like i should be more witty or scintillating or entertaining. and i just don't feel like it. i just sit there and look at them and we don't talk much.

don't, for the record, think that either of us aren't enjoying our faces off because we totally are, we're having a nice time, we just aren't talking.

i've not done that with that much in my life so i guess i was due.

excuse me, i have to go kill my okcupid profile right now.
---
ahh that's better.

i don't really know what's up with me i have to say, i still go to work and enjoy my life and i'm having a nice time and all but i've been feeling foggy. a little extra this week due to hormones but whatever.

for some unknown reason i just don't feel like i have anything to say... i can sit there with my clients and talk because i see them for an hour. i ask them relevant questions, we make nice a little and i make them work most of the time. that's easy.

but after an hour with my real life friends? nothing.

and it's not like i'm off in thoughtland either, i'm just kind of blank inside. i'm hoping i'm a canvas waiting for paint and not just about to fall into a massive depression. it doesn't feel depressing though, just quiet.

i just don't have anything to say... and how weird is that?

20 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

sometimes, quiet's nice. getting a break from your own thoughts can be nice, too...especially, i would imagine, for someone as thoughtful and introspective as you are.

though i suppose there's cause for concern if it goes on too long.

i'll bet it doesn't.

9/21/2006 12:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, and?

first, bitches!!

9/21/2006 12:36:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

I think that one of the surest measuring devices of a friendship is whether you can be quiet with them ... it's easy to fill uncomfortable situations with idle chatter; it's much more difficult to be able to enjoy silence with others ...

9/21/2006 04:03:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

*huggles*

It is what it is and you just have to ride it out and see what happens. I think we all go through a bit more instrospective periods. By all accounts, I am a social being. However, I go through patches where I don't want as much contact with anyone. Sometimes it's particular groups of people I am less talkative with. Sometimes it's work people. Sometimes it's friends. Often times it's family. And it's not that I don't love them any less. And I know that because of my happy and talkative personality, people tend to take my silences pretty hard. This past weeks I have not been that talky with the family and it's driving my mum crazy. She thinks something is wrong. She asked me if Peter and I had broken up no less than five times. And it irks me that she showers me with questions. But then I think if I was on the other side, I'd also be aching to know what's going on. And I know you said you are not in thoughtland...but sometimes introspection is inner peace and quiet. At the very least...the positive side is that it doesn't feel depressing. Sometimes quiet is what we need in order to gather ourselves. Don't be hard on you Sassinella. *many huggles*

-N

9/21/2006 08:05:00 AM  
Blogger Spill The Beans said...

I've so been there at times. Sometimes I feel that way with the chef, like I really have nothing to say. I need to learn to be okay with that. Silence isn't always a bad thing, among people who care about each other. Sometimes it just means you're comfortable enough with one another not to feel you need to fill the air with words.

9/21/2006 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Knowledge speaks and
Wisdom listens.

Jimi Hendrix

9/21/2006 12:24:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

I just had a really long convo with a good friend about my quietness...funny her perception of it and mine...

9/21/2006 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

goog gad, its about time :P

seriously, Sass,maybe that means we should go back to the occasional race. Or a movie even?

HH

9/21/2006 03:26:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

too bad. i won't be able to appreciate this relative silence. i'm at a course tomorrow. alas. alack. golldarnit. ;) :P

9/21/2006 08:53:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Sass........Dz hit the nail on the head........

9/22/2006 06:40:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: yeah it's true, i'm not minding the quiet except that it's weird and i don't know what to do with it :)

so i guess now i'm thinking about the fact that i'm not thinking about much at all? :)

who knows, it will end when it ends... or it won't and i'll be new sass.


terry redux: *snoopydance of firstness*


dzer: i've always been able to be quiet with my deep and close friends, but now i'm quiet with everyone which is pretty weird for me but kind of cool...

and i agree entirely

9/22/2006 11:25:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: *huggs*

i'm having a nice time on this ride and everything, it's just kind of strange at the same time. i'm so used to being talkative girl that it's interesting to find myself choosing behaviour that was forced on my as a child (no friends but books and trees)

i do notice that same thing though, people so expect me to be up and excited that they're often convinced that there is something deathly wrong with me if i'm not talking. i totally get your mom and your frustration with her... just tell her you miss him and it renders you quiet?

i do feel like i'm putting myself back together somehow... i think some events last year broke me a lot worse than i knew at the time...

*giantsnugglehuggles* i'll be nice to me nataliadarling.


trouble: i love your nick you know that?

it's funny i've never minded silence with my really near and dear folks, in fact reading in company is one of my favourite things ever... still though, it feels odd to feel like that at parties and in groups of my friends and stuff. no not that, it's odd because it's constant instead of just a day here and there...


hunee: nice. very nice.


hunee redux: what did she see that was different from your perspective?

9/22/2006 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hubris: :P

hey i'm down with racing... monday night?


gabi: that's no fun, missing my class and all. come wednesday instead!


kj: he really did.

9/22/2006 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

what time? and where?

9/22/2006 07:23:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

hunee redux: what did she see that was different from your perspective?

Well she saw it more like something wrong and me being quiet, I suppose I have been more introspective lately but I have always been more on teh quite side until I really get to know someone. My quietness has been more of just listening and absorbing and taking it all in. I like to hear people's stories and see life thru their eyes so I listen. Well some things I just never knew were interesting either...she asked why I don't share more of my daily happenings and past memories and well not all of them are nice and my daily happenings I really never thought she wanted to know...seem kind of boring to me but appearently they are not to here...

It's hard to condense a 6 hour conversation into a relpy post but I think she was able to understand where some of my quietness comes from and no longer be offended or perplexed if I happen to be that way...

A lot of the time with all the chaos in my family staying silent rather than speaking your mind put you in a much better position not to say that I don't speak up b/c I def do when it is needed, I have no problem standing up for myself but in general everyday I think I held onto some of that upbringing...

well not really sure if that made sense at all but like I said hard to condense such a long convo into a small post...

*hugs*

9/22/2006 09:45:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

You're mellowing with age and coming into your own...kind of sounds like to me anyway. Sometimes things are just the way they are and that's okay. I have to say though, that reading about your not having much to say or write was still a great read...still a great post, because it's how many of us feel at one time or another and just can't put it into words. But, you did. Hugs.

9/23/2006 10:27:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hubris: my place, 7:30pm?


hunee: [fyi i finally answered your comment on 'i ain't missing you']

hrm that's interesting. so it's not that you aren't willin gto tell her your happenings it's just you never thought she would care to know? does that free you to be more talkative with her or do you still find yourself without much to say?

hey my life bores teh shit out of me but y'all seem to like it :)

i'm glad that she was able to understand, such misunderstandings can ruin friendships if left to fester for too long.

in my family my sister was the quiet one and like many non very functional families we became almost caricatures of those traits... exaggerated if you will...

and yes, it made sense! *huggs*


kathi: yeah i'm definetely mellowing with age and i do feel i'll be the kind of woman who doesn't hit her stride until her forties. least it seems that way.

i'm glad you're enjoying my newly short posts... they're different for me but i like them too.

even when i have nothing to say i'm still verbose? *chuckles*

*huggs babe*

9/23/2006 02:29:00 PM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

I don't get this either, so I'll be watching you a little closer to see how this resolves.

I'm only quiet in my sleep, and even then my wife tells me I talk!

Cheers,

Py

9/23/2006 07:12:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

hunee: [fyi i finally answered your comment on 'i ain't missing you']

Sass I read it and have some additional thoughts on that and this subject... I'll comment on it when I am not at work and have more time...

9/28/2006 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: well, i'll let you know when, if and how it does.

yeah blogging and teaching together will suck that out of you...


hunee: okay. let me know when you do.

9/29/2006 06:48:00 PM  

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