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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Saturday, September 23, 2006

checking out

y'all may have noticed from careful perusal of my comments section or my latest post that i'm talking about dating in a slightly different way. or maybe that i'm not really talking about it. or even just a little crack about killing my okcupid profile.

which i did, it's now about eight lines long and is simply there to hold my nick until such time as i no longer care or re-activate my profile. this is only the outward manifestation of something that's been happening inside for a while.

i am checking out of the dating pool.

i'm just tired of it and exhausted, it's time to sit on the bank and watch the clouds go by instead of this constant treading water and getting nowhere.

i will no longer be:
.paying attention to matchmaking websites
.caring if the gorgeous man i'm ogling is single
.bothering to meet the nice looking man's eyes as we pass in the street (as in looks like a nice man not as in looks hot)
.introducing myself to that guy at the gym
.wondering 'if he likes me' because if he does? he'll fucking ask me out won't he?
.worrying about dating.

i can't. i have to let it go. i have somehow allowed my own self esteem to become tied up in the eyes of the men around me. the eyes of the men who are utterly disinterested in me. let me tell you how well that works from a self esteem persepective.

yeah ten points to the lady in the back who said 'it fucking doesn't' because dudes? it fucking doesn't. it sucks total and complete ass is what it does. somehow in spite of the fact that the body feels great and the brain is finally lifting the stupid fog it's been in after all that time not exercising, being fat and eating bad food and just generally not keeping myself healthy?

somehow in spite of all that, in spite of having a healthier body than i did when i was twenty?

i've been feeling fat and unnattractive and uncool or lame or boring or not interesting or whatever word you care to throw in there. and this isn't a call for compliments okay? i mean i love the compliments but that's not what this post is about.

it's about my self esteem and how i let it get all tied up in my dating life instead of leaving it tied to what it SHOULD be about. my *SELF*

i don't really know how it happened but slowly, over the course of the last year, i've lost my confidence somehow, well not really confidence but something. and some of it started with a little emotional maelstorm that i allowed into my life and tore through me like a hurricane.

hrm hurricane is a bad analogy because this started slow and ended slower and is not healing as it should. regardless, when this little storm happened i was already in recovery from the shattering of my self and my life following my car accident and break-up with tr. consequently i allowed things to get far more ridiculous than any adult woman should and ended up leaving myself ridiculously open and emotionally vulnerable.

and when i asked then, for some respect and some nice treatment? yeah i got the emotional sucker punch to the solar plexus instead and i broke. i didn't know that i broke but i did. a whole new set of fracture lines to add to the stained glass mess that is my self. it's still beautiful stained glass but it needs a lot of repair work again and i'm only just finding the tools to do it.

i guess when i say 'i was broken' it's physically true but it's an emotional lie. i *was* physically broken but i *am* still emotionally broken. a lot of old wounds have healed of course but i am only now starting to realise that this road may be even longer than the physical one and even the physical road is endless.

you think you are healthy in your heart and mind and then one day you wake up and realise that no, you aren't, in fact you've been quietly shattering for well over a year even as you repaired a ton of old damage.

please don't take this post to mean that i am depressed or feeling bad because i am NOT!

in fact i feel really good because i am taking positive steps to make changes that will allow me to grow whole and happy.... which, i know, i thought i was doing already. but yeah, not so much.

in fact i was growing whole and happy in most of my life but i just had this lingering malaise or unhappiness or melancholy or emptiness or whatever word suits you. professionally and socially and even in my 'activities' i was growing happier and healthier and more together with each passing day.

but in terms of that sense of yourself that comes from flirting and interacting with the opposite sex etc? i was feeling so empty there that it was colouring all of the things that i DO love about my life. all of the things that make me happy to be alive and bound out of bed with a smile every morning (okay AFTER i hit snooze like 4 times but... ;)

and that shit is just not on so i've decided to check out. that's it. no more crushes (stop laughing princess valium) and no more worrying and no more match making sites. no more.

if some guy wants to ask me out? i'll go. but that's IT.

and you know what? i feel better already and it's only been a week or two. for serious.

and you? that guy i wrote a letter to a while back? that guy that isn't in my life anymore and will probably never read this? you. the imaginary friend i still miss every single day in spite of myself?

i forgive you.


Blogger Pyrhonik said...

Good on ya! Mr. Right is probably just to the left around the corner.

Now quit looking through stained glass windows, its giving me a complex already.

I love the way you can splay your inner turmoils out on this sheet and it makes sense in my head as i read it. Seriously.

Reading your posts always do that.

You're a cool chickie!



BTW, you have mail!

9/23/2006 06:52:00 PM  
Anonymous gabriella said...

good that you have made a decision because quite frankly right now what you should be concentrating on is rebuilding your professional life and not getting distracted by pheromones and hormones. i realize this sounds so schoolmarmy, but i don't give a shit. i say it like it is. take it or leave it. you know it's because i care.

you need to be viewing the world from a position of strength not from an abyss of neediness.

build you business and your reputation. eventually you will obtain the satisfaction of knowing that you did it all yourself. you won't be feeling the need to indulge Mr. Occupying Space in your Life by telling him that without him you could never have done it all. fuck that shit. you need to do it all. then you own it. this will make you strong.

then maybe you may realize that you'll be spending too much time fending off the losers who will be pawing at you just so they can contaminate themselves with success. ha! just wait and see.

there's a guy out there who you haven't met yet. you need to know what it is that guy must be prepared to offer to you. and you must know what it is you contribute to the relationship. without that, you have no equality and precious little security.

here you are, basically recovered from a terrible injury. you possess the resilience to start a new life and like everything, it's tough. but you do it anyway. it takes guts. (those incredibly shrinking guts....:P) eventually you will be much more self confident because you'll be experienced and successful in the field you have chosen. and that's precisely when your energy, your life force will shine through the most. ..... then watch out for the weaklings who'll latch onto you so they won't drown.

this, my dear, is real life. no fairy tales.

btw have you realized the reason you are quieter? you don't need to apologize or discount yourself through self consciousness. that's all good. it means you can just be yourself and stop watching yourself like as if you are an anthropological study. as you become more self confident, you stop needing to explain yourself all the time. like the psychologists say: men never apologize and they never bend over themselves to explain. so why should we? whatever it is in their pyches that gives them this sense of entitlement we need to cultivate in ourselves. so instead of asking 'what would Jesus do?'...arghh. ask yourself 'what would the guy at the gym do?' can you imagine a man falling over himself (yeah, gay men do but) explaining away why they just fucked up? arrived late? forgot your birthday? bah humbug. they don't have enough conscience to feel guilt.

besides, guilt is about ego. chuck it.

ah, the long rambling message.....

but it is from the heart.

hey what is belligerent? *an aside* that term was used on Friday at the course to describe certain individuals based on behaviour. i can be obnoxious. not sure about belligerent.

and now to drain my cooked beet greens. yum.

9/23/2006 10:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm so with you on this, sass. i checked out awhile ago, for many of the same reasons.

and while the dynamic in this area of my life hasn't changed -- no great guys have appeared in my life -- i feel so much better not thinking, worrying, obsessing about it.

yeah, i still want to find a partner, definitely. but for me, the active search doesn't seem to work. only serves to keep me in a bad space, emotionally... feeling like i'm not enough.

and you shouldn't be spending your time feeling like that either.

9/24/2006 01:36:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...


I think that is healthy. I don't know that we ever totally heal. But that's what makes us human too, isn't it?

Life and people wound you...in a million different ways and degrees on a daily basis. And the body heals the little cuts as it continues to be wounded. You are totally right.

And I totally get that you have come to this realization and you are not depressed. I feel the same way. I think that some people choose ignorance as bliss and choose the anesthesia. But that's not really life.

I think it's great to ditance yourself from what is hurting you. I think it's great to recognize what hurts you. It's a hard thing to do...both to be able to open your eyes to those things and to have the courage to face them and solve them.

I think this is the beginning of health at the emotional level. And whatever the road is, wherever it takes you, or as long as it is...it's a worthwhile one.

I am happy for you and count on me for support if you ever need it.



9/24/2006 07:25:00 PM  
Blogger Spirit said...

Sweetie ...you rock.

Your words have always served as inspiration or guidance ...I know you haven't meant them to always be that ...but they do.

I see you as a confident woman and I know there will be many that share my viewpoint.

PY said it best ...your wrods make sense!

Hang in there.
Be happy.


9/24/2006 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: but who cares? seriously. if he isn't? i have a great life. i have to rethink some decisions i made about things that i do is all :)

well, some things look particularly excellent all stained glassed out right?

i love my blog pyr and sometimes i don't feel like it's my fingers doing the writing. people find things in my posts that i didn't know were there and i learn more about myself everyday.

thanks man!

gabi: you are correct gabi, and in fact i've been stirring a few pots lately so we'll see what develops from that.

i like your schoolmarmishness lady, if i didn't i wouldn't listen. and that's exactly what i'm trying to do here, give myself my own strength back.

"mr occupying space in your life" *snerk!*

i like your perspective, you are enough older than me to have been there already and you no longer give a shit what people think about what you say. it makes for refreshing candour.

the thing is that there might not be a guy, and i've been lying to myself when i said that i didn't care. i really really really did and i just need to drop that shit. it's getting me nowhere fast.

hee i love my shrinking guts! *grin*

i've also already started noticing really postive self esteem changes. as the career starts to gain weight and i start to believe that i can do it it makes me feel a lot better... it's funny how being broke and broken takes it out of your confidence.

is that what it is? hrm... i think you might have it. i believe in what i'm saying so i don't justify it. yeah. less is more. the really good teachers know that and you have to make it true in your life to apply it in your teaching. who know this job would teach me to grow up too :)

i like the long rambling messages, they always require more than one read and give enormous food for thought.

i don't think you're belligerent... sometimes obnoxious and often opinionated or loud but belligerent? nope. sorry but no.

mmm sounds delish.

9/25/2006 12:00:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: interesting. do you think it's a function of age?

every man that's ever worked with me? didn't get met because i obsessed over men, it was always some strange meeting that made things obvious. dating shouldn't be work and i forgot that.

funny thing is that i'm dressing like a girl MORE and yet caring less. it's an odd combination but it feels really good.

being not enough. yeah that's it EXACTLY and i don't want it anymore.

nat: *cuddle*

well yes, if we just got all better it would take the fun out of things entirely. where would the challenge be in that? still, it's fun to try.

my body is really good at healing but my heart is fresher to the party. i have a lot of sadness to let go of. and i want to LIVE the examined life because i believe it's true that the unexamined life is not worth living.

well it's great that i'm trying anyway right? we'll see how long until i backslide... i hope a very very long time though, like never.

all roads are worth travelling i think, they just take you different places is all. i like where mine is going so far...

thanks babe, i will do so!

spirit: flattery will get you everywhere!

i sort of hope that my words will inspire or guide but i never expect that they will. i have been told a few times that i have caused people to change their behaviour and i can think of no higher praise...

thank you for seeing me as confident, the good news is that i'm starting to see me that way too.

yay for sense!


9/25/2006 12:09:00 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

once again Sass, I find myself nodding my head in agreement with this post and knowing all too well that "broken" feeling you touched upon.

I'm also in awe that you are able to forgive, I struggle with that everyday

9/25/2006 06:42:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

I think that you are one of the most open and real people I know on here. You're such a genuine sweetheart.

9/25/2006 09:35:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kj: i think most any woman who has spent a large amount of time single or who has had men dump them flat for no reason gets what that feels like... unfortunately.

i'm with kathi on the forgiving, it's not for me to judge but it's also not for me to be his friend... you know? i forgive him but i no longer respect him or choose to have him in my life. and i forgive him for me and not for him... although if he gets something out of it more power to him.

kathi: thank you... i do try. what's the point if it isn't true?

9/25/2006 11:48:00 AM  
Blogger Pyrhonik said...

You're officially checked out!

Fuck I've wanted to say that for a while :D


9/25/2006 02:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't think it's so much age as experience. remember, i didn't do much dating in my younger days, since i was coupled pretty young. and after a few years of trying to force the whole dating thing, i got tired... frustrated... disgusted...

like you said.. dating shouldn't be work. so much of what we do in the name of finding The One is completely manufactured...

and yeah, i've had the same experience, with the guys i've fallen hardest for. the attraction was instant, for me. haven't had that in awhile. (okay, yeah, so this guy at starbucks the other day.. yeah... but that was fleeting!)

so yay, for wearing the girly clothes and feeling good! enjoy that!

9/26/2006 02:49:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pyr: oh man *groan*


terry: yeah maybe that's what it is, i've never spent more than a year and a half or so single in my adult life. or if i did i still had sex in there i just wasn't dating.

this long term celibacy thing is new (okay i know there was that little two weeks of sex in may but after three years that's like an appetizer with no main course)

and now it's work somehow and i don't get how i let that happen, how i let it get so important. but i did.

it's always easy when it works, that's the thing right? and i've seen it when it works and i know damm well i only even came close twice.

mmm hot barrista, go jump him *g*

and yeah, i'm loving the makeup and the sexier look. i don't let myself go to othercat's in my sweats anymore... and it feels good.

9/26/2006 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger Spill The Beans said...

Great post. Sometimes you just need a break from trying to be loved, to love yourself. It helps.

9/27/2006 03:46:00 PM  
Anonymous PrincessValium said...

Sorry your self-esteem is taking a hit... my not-so-professional diagnosis is the seasonal blahs.

I understand your urge to 'fix' everything. Not too long ago (and I'm using your words here) you were fat, inactive, financially strapped and in a bad mental space. Now you are not. Whee! Talk about positive change! Talk about things taking a turn for the better! Now it's time to make everything perfect.

Or not.

Speaking as someone who was fat, inactive, financially strapped and in a bad mental space at the same time, and as someone who solved all those problems at roughly the same time, I can sympathize with the urge to envision perfection and land myself some perfect man to complete the perfect me.

You see, that didn't work out so much. I still don't know why, but I chalk it up to the Universe, that fickle bitch. Whereas we can control things like our body weight and activity levels, we cannot control the motivations of other humans. Sad, but true. I would love to be able to. Imagine the power!

But alas, it is not to be. For me, I got tired of chasing and crushing and hoping because I realized that no one was chasing me, crushing on me, or hoping for me. And with the improvement to my self-esteem, I realized that this was bullshit. I am too good to be desperate. I am the kind of person men should be working for, not the other way around.

So are you.

So I'm all about putting a moratorium on the boy chasing and waiting for them to come to you. Surprisingly, it did nothing but increase my self-esteem despite the fact that no one has come a'knockin. Because I'm respecting myself now and won't shit on myself by going through that soul-withering dance without some indication that he's invested. Not me. Him.

And if he can't be bothered, well fuck him. My life is good. And so is yours.

Welcome to the "I've had enough of being your patsy" club. It's a good place to be.

10/03/2006 10:13:00 AM  

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