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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, September 05, 2005

disappointment

.
i don't really know what i want to say today. First of all ... damm can i write when I'm hammered off my ass. That's pretty impressive. Okay onward. With the help of some peanut butter chocolate yummy ambrosia ice cream I think I can do it.

I'm zeroing in on something. My friend hubris is going through some shit (which incidentally is why I don't link his blog, that and he hasn't hit my twenty post minimum archive limit yet) right now that has caused me to feel some intense disappointment with his wife. I mean intense.

I had no idea how much I expected from her/respected her until she up and did something totally (what I thought was anyway) out of character for her. She failed in any way to take her husband's feelings and heart into consideration while she led him down a garden path. It wasn't that she took the garden path. It wasn't that she eventually lost her husband down a side road. It wasn't even that she fell in love with someone else.

It's that it just didn't seem like she gave a flying fuck about how this man she had shared a decade of her life with was feeling. And I just don't get it. She was just so unaware of what she was doing... it's like she had blinders on.

So I'm intensely disappointed with her and I feel bad about it. I feel like I should be trying to be more understanding or sympathetic. That I should be aware of both sides of the story and blahdifucking blah.

And I'm TRYING to do that.

But shit damm am I disappointed in this chick.

Funny thing, my boss at the building is big on this disappointment word. Whenever I haven't done whatever she wanted the second she wants it she gets disapointed in me. I was complaining the other day to my dad that she didn't trust me and he said it's because she can't trust herself and that people who can't trust themselves can't trust other people. And suddenly her behaviour makes so much more sense.

The passive aggressive 'i'm disappointed' crap has to go though.

And then a friend of mine told me that he had done something not too major and that anyone who asked he would tell and then this one friend said 'hey dude what up?' and my friend felt that he had disappointed his friend. Boy maybe I should friend a and friend b this one. So friend a didn't feel bad for what he had done until friend b seemed disappointed.

It is interesting what disappointment can mean to people. What's dictionary.com say? [i hate that this is a webster's site]
disappoint:
1. To fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of.
2. To frustrate or thwart: “I will not disappoint the confidence you have put in me” (Wayne A. Budd).

That's a heavy thing to put on someone that is. It's an even harder thing to put on yourself which is what I think friend a has done. I don't feel that his friend is disappointed with him at all... but *he* does. So where do our own expectations of ourselves and those of our family and friends meet up?

I feel like I'm going in a bit of a circle here. It's just that i'm thinking about this big heavy word a lot lately because my friend is just now moving into his apartment (in fact there's one more load and then some furniture and it's done) alone and so the recent events in his life are a lot on his mind.

What's even wierder is that I feel this is a change for the better for him and then I feel bad for thinking that which means, I suppose, that I've disappointed myself too. I don't like how judgemental I'm being. How so one sided. I've always been the one when *I* split up with people to ask them not to choose. To tell them to be friends with both of us (for example othercat and my ex are still hanging out) because my friends and theirs have made relationships while we were together. And yet here I can't even imagine being in the same room with her.

And then there are the many things that disappoint me every day:
- people who don't see that gas prices will only go up... and then you won't be able to get any
- cars that idle for days for no reason
- parents who ignore their children and then hurt them with word or deed when they act out
- drivers who don't check before they change lanes
- people who have no consideration for others
- people who talk in my class while i'm trying to teach
- less comments than i want on my blog
- the smell my car makes sometimes [slowly leaking oil pan drips onto the muffler and reeks]
- my bank account
- that my kitten's allergies are not improving
- that she won't tell me her name
- that my tenants never clean up after themselves
- that i can't go climbing because i'm still too sore
- :)

Of course there's the counter list
- people whose faces light up when i give them a random compliment
- people smiling on the subway
- kitten jumping on my lap in the bathroom
- mouse being such a lady kat :)
- cachaito!
- the purr my car makes when i turn it on
- the tenant that helps me clean just cause she likes me
- that hubris had a really great time tonight
- that i had a really great time tonight
- that pj had a great time tonight too
- that the comments i get are, for the most part, awesome
- that my friends and i still like each other when we're cranky
- that i am blessed with the friends that i have
- that i am blessed with the life that i have
- that i get to go camping in under two weeks
- the thanks i get from my students or their applause [which i secretly LOVE]
- that i get to go climbing TOMORROW
- :)

you know... it's all good. I'm just thinking about that disappointment word and what it means. Some might argue that it is the fear of disappointing those we respect that governs our actions most. But that would only be true in the kind of people who care about others. Or would it?

Nighters, teaching in the am!

17 Comments:

Blogger castufari said...

I rarely drop the "disappointed" bomb anymore. To me that word is overused - like "extreme". Give it a break, use a thesaurus and find a more suitable word!

I did tell someone that I was disappointed in them when I left ADATC. The director went on and on about how he tried to do this and that for me, I told him that I was disappointed in him for lying to me. The look I got said *that hurt*. Well, it was supposed to.

9/05/2005 09:20:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

your positive counter list is longer than the negative, and that's always good. also, I think the stuff on the second list is stronger from a qualitative standard.

and don't worry about feeling judgmental about being diappointed in the way your friend's wife treated him; it's just a measure of your feelings for your friend that it upsets you when someone who's supposed to be his partner and love him even more doesn't give him the respect and treatment he deserves.

so fuck her, the disappointing bitch!

have fun teaching today!

9/05/2005 09:53:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

the disappointment. it seems to cliche now. there are more articulate and fascinating ways to describe the brunt of how you feel..

and yet, sometimes, that's all you can muster. your friend's wife seems like a bitch. how can you live with someone for so long and just not care? it should be automatic. it should come before you think of yourself (well..at least in an ideal worls)

oh..and tell your boss to go fuck herself, you're not a mind reader :)

9/05/2005 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: that one should have hurt... if you lie to someone and they call you on it the least they can do is look like they feel bad for the lying... but yeah, i'm looking for new words myself.

dzer: yeah of course... i sort of structured them that way on purpose... because yeah there are things that disappoint me, but so many more that delight me.

but dzer what about the old adage 'for every finger pointing at you there are three more pointing back at me'?

elle: that's it in a nutshell... it's not her moving on from him that i mind, it's her almost deliberate cruelty along the way. it's almost like she's so upset with herself for destroying the 'sacrament' of marriage that she has to destroy who she married too (she was very religious before all this started.) but yeah, even if you want to leave shouldn't you care about *how* you hurt someone? shouldn't you try to hurt them as little as possible?

and yeah, my boss is crazy... in fact you called her on crack once :)

9/05/2005 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

sass ... that finger pointing stuff is only if you do it ALL the time ... sometimes it is justified ... just like sometimes feeling proud and haughty and superior is justified — as long as you don't do it too often, or do it wrongly, then it's OK.

The key, as it is in many areas, is moderation.

9/05/2005 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer that's a very good point. i still don't like how angry/judgemental i am with her but you are fully correct that this isn't something I do on a regular basis.

still and all... i'm alittle disappointed in myself. Far more in her but still.

i see you have power! :)

9/05/2005 11:49:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

I'm sooooo disappointed that you're disappointed in yourself over this disappointment thing ... *shakes head sadly*

and yeah ... got it back after like 4-1/2 hours

9/05/2005 11:55:00 AM  
Blogger stoned.nerd said...

disappointment is the feeling of being let down by somebody's behavior which did not conform to your expectations.

but clearly, what he/she expects of him-/herself might differ from yours.

its a vicious cycle.

alright this is hardly an awesome comment, but i've tried my best.

heh.

9/05/2005 02:30:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

but yeah, that's EXACTLY what it is and just how i feel toward this woman... also pissed but thta's more from seeing her husband's unnecessary pain. she is very religious and has stopped going to church nerd which sort of implies that she's disappointed in herself as well.

dzer: im so sorry that my disappointment disappoints you which disappoints me which...

9/05/2005 02:45:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

why soitenly!

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk ...

rowf! rowf!

woob-woob-woob-woob!

9/05/2005 03:51:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

/me does the Curly shuffle

Sass, when I told him I was disappointed I know it hurt, someone later asked me why I said that. I said "because I mean it". I think that was my first step towards leaving the old me and becoming the new me. Screw candy coating life.

Not taking others feelings into consideration can *suck*. I've been on both ends of this (wow, I can now admit it) and it can hurt. It takes little effort - if you have any relationship a t all - to ask your partner for their 2 cents before you do something.

9/05/2005 07:08:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

damm i posted this aleady

*shakes hips and shuffles*

'screw candy coating life' what a great line. you should rework it and turn it into your .sig or something.

i'm sure as sure can be that i've hurt someone somewhere and i don't even know it. I'm also sure I've hurt people and know it... but i at least try to look at what i do and how it affects others...

9/05/2005 09:32:00 PM  
Blogger Wes said...

Good to know I wasn't the only one who had fun on a Sunday night. Heck, looks like your weekend wasn't bad at all either. Right on!

9/05/2005 10:36:00 PM  
Blogger lividviv said...

Am I the only hard ass left in the world? What that bitch did to Hubris blows.

I'm not disappointed. I'm disgusted. If it walks like a skank ho, who cares what it says?

9/07/2005 09:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

you said it dude... that's just how i feel myself... i'm trying hard not to say so out of respect for HUBRIS but i wouldn't fuck her with paul's dick.

disgusted is a good word too... but i'm trying hard to be sensitive or something... trying and failing but trying.

9/07/2005 09:47:00 PM  
Blogger lividviv said...

I don't want to be nice or tolerant of people who do crap things. It sends the wrong message.

They don't call me livid for nuthin, muthafuckah. Er wait, they don't. I call me livid.

Oh well.

9/08/2005 02:37:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

yeah you're right, it really does. the problem with turning the other cheek is that then it hurts as much as the one that already got bitch slapped.

i think what you said on the phone nails it ... just because someone is an ass doesn't mean you have to be one... acknowledge, deal, move on... but they're still an ASS and there's nothing that says you have to be nice to them.

you are livid... but also cute *grin*

9/08/2005 02:49:00 PM  

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