disappointment

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i don't really know what i want to say today. First of all ... damm can i write when I'm hammered off my ass. That's pretty impressive. Okay onward. With the help of some peanut butter chocolate yummy ambrosia ice cream I think I can do it.

I'm zeroing in on something. My friend hubris is going through some shit (which incidentally is why I don't link his blog, that and he hasn't hit my twenty post minimum archive limit yet) right now that has caused me to feel some intense disappointment with his wife. I mean intense.

I had no idea how much I expected from her/respected her until she up and did something totally (what I thought was anyway) out of character for her. She failed in any way to take her husband's feelings and heart into consideration while she led him down a garden path. It wasn't that she took the garden path. It wasn't that she eventually lost her husband down a side road. It wasn't even that she fell in love with someone else.

It's that it just didn't seem like she gave a flying fuck about how this man she had shared a decade of her life with was feeling. And I just don't get it. She was just so unaware of what she was doing... it's like she had blinders on.

So I'm intensely disappointed with her and I feel bad about it. I feel like I should be trying to be more understanding or sympathetic. That I should be aware of both sides of the story and blahdifucking blah.

And I'm TRYING to do that.

But shit damm am I disappointed in this chick.

Funny thing, my boss at the building is big on this disappointment word. Whenever I haven't done whatever she wanted the second she wants it she gets disapointed in me. I was complaining the other day to my dad that she didn't trust me and he said it's because she can't trust herself and that people who can't trust themselves can't trust other people. And suddenly her behaviour makes so much more sense.

The passive aggressive 'i'm disappointed' crap has to go though.

And then a friend of mine told me that he had done something not too major and that anyone who asked he would tell and then this one friend said 'hey dude what up?' and my friend felt that he had disappointed his friend. Boy maybe I should friend a and friend b this one. So friend a didn't feel bad for what he had done until friend b seemed disappointed.

It is interesting what disappointment can mean to people. What's dictionary.com say? [i hate that this is a webster's site]
disappoint:
1. To fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of.
2. To frustrate or thwart: “I will not disappoint the confidence you have put in me” (Wayne A. Budd).

That's a heavy thing to put on someone that is. It's an even harder thing to put on yourself which is what I think friend a has done. I don't feel that his friend is disappointed with him at all... but *he* does. So where do our own expectations of ourselves and those of our family and friends meet up?

I feel like I'm going in a bit of a circle here. It's just that i'm thinking about this big heavy word a lot lately because my friend is just now moving into his apartment (in fact there's one more load and then some furniture and it's done) alone and so the recent events in his life are a lot on his mind.

What's even wierder is that I feel this is a change for the better for him and then I feel bad for thinking that which means, I suppose, that I've disappointed myself too. I don't like how judgemental I'm being. How so one sided. I've always been the one when *I* split up with people to ask them not to choose. To tell them to be friends with both of us (for example othercat and my ex are still hanging out) because my friends and theirs have made relationships while we were together. And yet here I can't even imagine being in the same room with her.

And then there are the many things that disappoint me every day:
- people who don't see that gas prices will only go up... and then you won't be able to get any
- cars that idle for days for no reason
- parents who ignore their children and then hurt them with word or deed when they act out
- drivers who don't check before they change lanes
- people who have no consideration for others
- people who talk in my class while i'm trying to teach
- less comments than i want on my blog
- the smell my car makes sometimes [slowly leaking oil pan drips onto the muffler and reeks]
- my bank account
- that my kitten's allergies are not improving
- that she won't tell me her name
- that my tenants never clean up after themselves
- that i can't go climbing because i'm still too sore
- :)

Of course there's the counter list
- people whose faces light up when i give them a random compliment
- people smiling on the subway
- kitten jumping on my lap in the bathroom
- mouse being such a lady kat :)
- cachaito!
- the purr my car makes when i turn it on
- the tenant that helps me clean just cause she likes me
- that hubris had a really great time tonight
- that i had a really great time tonight
- that pj had a great time tonight too
- that the comments i get are, for the most part, awesome
- that my friends and i still like each other when we're cranky
- that i am blessed with the friends that i have
- that i am blessed with the life that i have
- that i get to go camping in under two weeks
- the thanks i get from my students or their applause [which i secretly LOVE]
- that i get to go climbing TOMORROW
- :)

you know... it's all good. I'm just thinking about that disappointment word and what it means. Some might argue that it is the fear of disappointing those we respect that governs our actions most. But that would only be true in the kind of people who care about others. Or would it?

Nighters, teaching in the am!