nice girls
.
I have this weird conundrum. I'm a nice girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl. So I get propositioned by some very icky people who should really be keeping their bits where they belong and sort of left alone by the nice boys. I don't really get it, it's not like I walk around wearing a skirt that comes down to the base of my butt while wearing 5 inch platform boots.
Shut up hallowe'en doesn't count! And yes, there's pictures.
Yes... I'm a tease.
Onward.
So anyway, because I read a lot of books and a lot of blogs and because I'm open minded and live in the downtown core of a city and because I'm in the heart of the gaybourhood I have a damn good idea of all of the possible lifestyles in the world. I'm even aware that I haven't heard of all of them yet.
I read robert heinlein as a teenager... I even believe this shit is possible. And yet.
I am resolutely a nice girl. I tried that whole sex as recreation thing in my early 20s. And then one day I realised that I felt icky in the morning when I did that sort of thing. Yeah... icky. This was actually really weird for me. I really believe that it's okay to treat sex as a recreational sport I really do. I just can't do it.
The thing is that I wonder sometimes. I try to remember when I was a starting out in the world of sexcapades and I'm not sure I felt icky in the morning back then. I know that I had a couple of less than wonderful experiences and I recall the moment I discovered the difference between having sex and making love but I don't really know when it stopped feeling like innocent fun.
At some point I started to feel like I wasn't respecting myself if I just dived into bed with a stranger for the sake of a boink. In fact recently I was heard to type 'don't you wish you could stick your scruples on a shelf for an hour?' and I meant it. I'm not incapable of casual sex, I know this because I've done it. I'm not incapable of playing with more than one person (and yes, it is fun) I just don't feel good about myself.
So here's what I want to know. Where did this fucking programming come from? I grew up in the middle of the sexual revolution. I read books about sex and polyamory. I rationally decided that a family like the longs in heinleins later books would work... but my body rejected it.
Recently my body has also rejected cheese/dairy and it's zeroing in on grease and meat. (Noooo! I don't WANT to be a vegetarian... i just want to pretend meat grows on trees)
Over the years I've learned that if my body wants something it wants it. I've also learned that if it doesn't I'm not going to feel good if I force the issue. The body? She wins.
But I'm not sure this icky feeling comes from my body. I think it comes from my other brain, the one in my heart and head. Or maybe my soul? I'm pretty sure that if I had tossed my body at the climber or the fitness model it would have been as happy as a cat in heat in a room full of toms. At least I think so... but I'm also thinking I would have felt that I had done something not nice to myself.
A lovely man that I volunteered with at summerfolk told me to make sure to take my time (I was complaining about not having had the chance to try out my pelvic floor since I got some control over it [he's a tai chi teacher... he knew what i meant]) when I decided to climb into bed with someone and I was already inclined to agree with him. It's nice to remember that someone I quite respect who is also older than I am is encouraging similar decisions.
What's the rush right? It's just some days to have a libido and a lifestyle like everything nice sounds damm fine to me. Droughts have wonderful tempering effects on your *self* but they're hard on the libido!
this feels unfinished but as usual i have sleep issues and teaching in the morning.
I have this weird conundrum. I'm a nice girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl. So I get propositioned by some very icky people who should really be keeping their bits where they belong and sort of left alone by the nice boys. I don't really get it, it's not like I walk around wearing a skirt that comes down to the base of my butt while wearing 5 inch platform boots.
Shut up hallowe'en doesn't count! And yes, there's pictures.
Yes... I'm a tease.
Onward.
So anyway, because I read a lot of books and a lot of blogs and because I'm open minded and live in the downtown core of a city and because I'm in the heart of the gaybourhood I have a damn good idea of all of the possible lifestyles in the world. I'm even aware that I haven't heard of all of them yet.
I read robert heinlein as a teenager... I even believe this shit is possible. And yet.
I am resolutely a nice girl. I tried that whole sex as recreation thing in my early 20s. And then one day I realised that I felt icky in the morning when I did that sort of thing. Yeah... icky. This was actually really weird for me. I really believe that it's okay to treat sex as a recreational sport I really do. I just can't do it.
The thing is that I wonder sometimes. I try to remember when I was a starting out in the world of sexcapades and I'm not sure I felt icky in the morning back then. I know that I had a couple of less than wonderful experiences and I recall the moment I discovered the difference between having sex and making love but I don't really know when it stopped feeling like innocent fun.
At some point I started to feel like I wasn't respecting myself if I just dived into bed with a stranger for the sake of a boink. In fact recently I was heard to type 'don't you wish you could stick your scruples on a shelf for an hour?' and I meant it. I'm not incapable of casual sex, I know this because I've done it. I'm not incapable of playing with more than one person (and yes, it is fun) I just don't feel good about myself.
So here's what I want to know. Where did this fucking programming come from? I grew up in the middle of the sexual revolution. I read books about sex and polyamory. I rationally decided that a family like the longs in heinleins later books would work... but my body rejected it.
Recently my body has also rejected cheese/dairy and it's zeroing in on grease and meat. (Noooo! I don't WANT to be a vegetarian... i just want to pretend meat grows on trees)
Over the years I've learned that if my body wants something it wants it. I've also learned that if it doesn't I'm not going to feel good if I force the issue. The body? She wins.
But I'm not sure this icky feeling comes from my body. I think it comes from my other brain, the one in my heart and head. Or maybe my soul? I'm pretty sure that if I had tossed my body at the climber or the fitness model it would have been as happy as a cat in heat in a room full of toms. At least I think so... but I'm also thinking I would have felt that I had done something not nice to myself.
A lovely man that I volunteered with at summerfolk told me to make sure to take my time (I was complaining about not having had the chance to try out my pelvic floor since I got some control over it [he's a tai chi teacher... he knew what i meant]) when I decided to climb into bed with someone and I was already inclined to agree with him. It's nice to remember that someone I quite respect who is also older than I am is encouraging similar decisions.
What's the rush right? It's just some days to have a libido and a lifestyle like everything nice sounds damm fine to me. Droughts have wonderful tempering effects on your *self* but they're hard on the libido!
this feels unfinished but as usual i have sleep issues and teaching in the morning.
posted by sassinak | 12:14 AM
6 Comments:
just recently i thought i could fuck someone for the sake of a boink. it turned out really forgettable and bad. and then i realised that fucking someone whom i'm not remotely attracted to does make it somewhat different.
so i cant be a gigolo even if i yearn to.
To thine ownself be true.
I think that says it best. Do things the way it makes you feel comfortable and safe and right. Do what allows you to respect yourself and not feel icky. Live to your standards, not to those of others, or of society.
Where does the programming come from? In my opinion, from a combination of things. A part of it is genetics, I'm sure. I can't explain why, I'm just sure of it. Part of it is how you were raised, the influence of your parents and family. The rest is how you've lived — the experiences you've had, and haven't had, the influence of your friends and past lovers, your knowledge and self perceptions.
I think that the nice guy who's willing to wait when his time comes will end up being very lucky ... especially once you break out the 5-inch fuck-me pumps and all that freaky lifestyle stuff you've learned over the years.
As for teases ... I hate that I love teases. ;)
No fair, you're twisting my arm to comment! jk
We sound similar in so many ways Sass, it's scary.
I too bobbled in and out of sexuality and it's pros/cons in my youth... can't believe I am actually saying that 20's are youth!
I think I've had a little bit of eveything so far and can say that I have been in and out of my comfort zone.
The only time I really regret, was when I stifled the person I really was because of societal role calling.
I remember thinking "Well, now I can't be sexy (or naughty) any more... guess I'll be alright."
I wasn't alright.
Anyway, it is truly preference and comfort when it comes to your sexual being. Ask yourself the question(s):
Did it feel right?
Would I do it again?
Am I going to regret?
And if the answer is YES, YES, NO.. then you're all good.
And fuck what anybody else has to say about it. Whether a respected family member (sorry family), or the Television.
And whatever you do... DONT LISTEN TO THE GOVERNMENT... They don't have sex anyway.
nerd: and the thing is... once you have that moment of realisation you can't go back can you? I like the idea of boink buddies but i'm not really certain i could handle that emotionally.
dzer actually the 5" heels are platform boots... :)
i've definetely landed on the side of 'to thine own self be true' it's just a little frustrating when you look around at all the people who are boinking like bunnies and are blissfully untarnished by it all. I've had friends who were fully into casual sex and I have to say that most of them were more well adjusted than I am. In fact I almost always find that people with a healthy respect for their own sexual appetite and a willingness to play with it tend to be happier or more content than others. I stress TEND!
Dzer there is something about teasing that's just so damm fun and innocent and wonderful. but it's really all in how it's done isn't it? It can't be malicious or it's wrong.
bubbles oh bubbles... as if i would arm twist you into commenting (but it worked muhahahahaha!) Absolutely your 20s are youth. I look at decisions I made in my 20s and they are clearly decisions made with impetuousness and youth. not that they're wrong or bad but the thought process definetely changes as you allow yourself to grow up. I like being a mature adult, it's quite a lot nicer I have to say.
I feel a little like I'm disconnected from my sex drive... in fact all this connecting with my pelvic floor for pilates has brought me closer to it than really i ever was. I just wonder if i could therefore play again as a mature person and not feel shitty about myself. And I don't want to find out the hard way!
I like your questions though... good ones and allow you to make a decision each time you do something rather than once and for all time.
I'm in my early 20's and I can't do the casual sex thing..and I have no idea why. I see nothing wrong with it, and I often encourage other people to do it...but when it comes to me, myself..I just can't. I can't decide if it is becaue my parents raised me to well, or if it's because I know I would hate myself if he never spoke to me again, or maybe the proposition of just having sex for the sake of having sex just irks me. It boggles my mind. I'd like to be able to do it, but, I can't..and for some reason it pisses me off!
ironically buttah that's EXACTLY how I feel. I believe it's fine, I encourage others to do it but i just can't do it myself. so since i believe it's fine but I can't actually DO it I get all irritated and a little jealous of the ones that can.
*sigh* scruples suck :)
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