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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


yeah, i wanted to hit the gym today and i knew i shouldn't do it 4 days in a row but i still really wanted to... and then i noticed just how angry my pecs were during my evening class and i decided that that might maybe sort of kind of possibly not be wise. i was supposed to do routes with hubris tomorrow but he bailed in favour of some cleaning gig for some othercat guy so i guess i can't get too upset about that. still i was really looking forward to it.

in fact i want to do routes so badly that i even messaged climber guy to see if he wanted to go but he didn't answer. can't really be surprised considering how that scenario went down. dammit it's hard to find belay slaves in this town. easy as pie to find bouldering company. don't misunderstand, i'm fully into the bouldering but i need to do routes for endurance and laps and cross training and bouldering is HARD and routes are less hard and my body is tired and. dammit.

i have another okcupid date coming up. this one also writes awesome emails which is sort of turning out to be a requirement with me. i'm rather looking forward to it really ... even if there turns out to be no chemistry it's nice to spend a day/evening with a man and get a little flirty and the like. besides, if nothing else i'll make a new friend.

i was walking in the woods this weekend at some point and i was just blissed out and listening to the forest and the music of xavier rudd came into my mind and just started playing along with the beautiful sounds of nature. i knew the guy was brilliant but i think he might be even more dialed into the universe than I thought he was.

it was really interesting. this song came into my mind and was somehow the perfect accompaniment to the music i was hearing in the woods, even the silences were at the right moments. i have come to the conclusion that mister rudd must spend an awful lot of time outside and suddenly the quiet and peaceful beauty of his music makes much more sense to me. not to mention the air of melancholy.

got a new class today. well at least i get to come back and teach it next week. just need about five more and i'm above the poverty line. good news is that assuming one more iffy class actually sells i can pay my bills, my car insurance, my rent AND eat all in the same month. weird i know.

this appears to be a catchall post today.

uh stoned.nerd what the fuck is up with your blog? if you just disappear i'll i'll... damnit. there is NOTHING i can do to you you're in fucking singapore! if you start an anonymous blog somewhere will you tell me where it is at least?

it's a funny time right now. half of my friends' relationships are ending and the other half are looking for dates. no one really has any freaking idea what sort of advice to give anyone else because of it. what's even weirder is that i haven't been sad about a single breakup that i've heard about. i'm sad FOR the friend that is having a hard time but happy about the split because i thought the relationship was just nasty.

that's a really odd position to be in because you want to be supportive of your friend but you also sort of want to dance for joy. i don't think i'm properly caring for the friends that are in these situations.
how do you properly support your friends and be honest with them at the same time?
how do you tell someone that you couldn't stand their partner but you still feel bad for their pain?
how do you discuss your negative feelings toward their mate and still make them feel welcome to discuss how much they miss them?
how do you be a good friend?

how do you even KNOW what a good friend is?

funnily enough this comes back to something my sister and I have discussed. she was wondering how to reinterpret the modern world when it comes to male/female relationships. often these days you meet men that become your friends. chances are that if they're your friends you think they're awesome. sometimes you therefore needs must fall for said friends or at least find them sexually attractive.

so she was wondering how you're supposed to tell the difference. how do you know when you're attracted to a man because you think he's awesome and would make a great soul brother? (othercat is one of mine) conversely how do you know when that person you're assuming is a soul brother could or would be something more?

how do you know when your fascination with someone is simply that? a fascination and nothing more?

sometimes i'll get crushes on people but when i'll try to picture having sex with them it will sort of do that fade to black thing and i just can't make a mental image. that makes it pretty clear that this is not someone i want to boink and thus puts them firmly in the not into them category. this doesn't always instantly alleviate the crush either... but it tends to temper it with reality

it's the other times. when you meet someone and you think they're fucking awesome and you want to hang out with them and talk to them constantly and generally learn everything about them. if you're feeling that but there's no real desire for boinking then you still know. but what if you DO want to boink them?

what if you think they're hot, you feel like fucking, you like their brain and yet. still there's that wonder. is this really someone i could date or just someone who will make a wonderful lifelong friend? and if i DO date them or approach them about dating them will i lose them as friends?

and then, is it WORTH risking the lifelong friend for the shag? for the short relationship? for the long relationship? for a lifetime?

how do you know?

oh my christ it published with errors and i thought i lost the whole post after xavier rudd... fortunately it remembered the post, it just didn't publish it first! That would have sucked.


Blogger Hubris said...

A. I meant what I said in the car.

B. how do you be a good friend?
You already know. No. Seriously. Though you may have a healthy humility about it, I see you for who you are. An opaque and brilliantly beautiful woman capable of such compassion and truth that I often ponder your conversation with your sister regaurding "how do you know".

I marvel that I am capable of such trust so soon from where I am. But here we are. In the 2 years I've been privaleged to know you I believe you've unconditionally offered me more truth than my own wife.

Bittersweet to say the least.

9/21/2005 01:04:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

"how do you properly support your friends and be honest with them at the same time?"

this is a tough one. I had a very close female friend who had a series of bad relationships with a series of jerks. With the last one, they had a horrible breakup in which, at one point, the guy said she wasn't a human being, but a monster. I consoled her. I told her what a fucking jerk/asshole/bastard the guy was. As she cried on my shoulder, she agreed that I was right and that she was better off without him.

Not too long after, they get back together. She didn't do it out of love, but because she was pregnant and thought it was the pragmatic, safe thing to do. I don't like the husband, even though I had to be around him often before they moved off-island. Hello, he thought one of my best friends was monstrous for one of her personal beliefs, and I'm supposed to just forget that?

So we're not friends anymore, not really.

I think that's part of the reason I don't let anyone get close now; it's at least a factor.

how do you know when you're attracted to a man because you think he's awesome and would make a great soul brother? ... conversely how do you know when that person you're assuming is a soul brother could or would be something more?

This one's easy, at least for me. I'm ALWAYS the "brother," "good friend," "buddy," etc. ;)

9/21/2005 03:47:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hedonist: a) i know
b) what makes you ponder my conversation with my sister? why is it worth pondering? do you wonder the same thing?

i don't know how to be anything but truthful and compassionate, it hurts too much to be any other way. i'm sad that that wasn't true for her.

dzer: that's definetely a tough one. i've lost friends because of their significant others but it's been more like i was engineered out of their lives or the friend did something because of the partner or whatever. sometimes it's worth telling the truth even if you lose a friend, but that's never an easy decision to make.

i'm sad that you are one of the men fated to be the brother/good buddy/shoulder. that seems to be my lot these days as well... and now i don't even have the excuses i told myself for the last couple of years.

i'm also the one night stand, cheat on your wife, rebound girl which may explain my lack of a sex life.

9/21/2005 08:00:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

that's why I confine my relationships to 3-minute songs ($20 a pop) at one of several quality (not really) strip clubs in the area. The ladies are nice and friendly, we both have a clear understanding of what's expected from each other in the relationship, so there's never any hard feelings at the end.


9/21/2005 08:34:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

Sass, Indeed I wonder the same thing. This question puts a finger on the growing pulse in my heart ever since I had the freedom to see about other people. What drives me nuts is that it has crossed my mind with nearly every woman who has been my friend. Not that I beat it into the ground or pine over it but for a few special people, it occurs to me frequently.

9/21/2005 09:00:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: i'm not sure that's the right answer either though i can completely sympathise with the feelings that caused you to come up with it.

hedonist: i would say that it has also crossed my mind with every man that has ever been my friend as well. it's just a matter of degree and availability. the ones where i have trouble letting the idea go are few and far between but there nonetheless.

9/21/2005 09:23:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

The thing I love about children is that they tell me that I have a big nose. They pay no mind to the fact that I may have a personal hang up about the appearence of my big nose. That I may go home and ponder my reflection for hours, turning my head back and forth, up and down to see all of the angles. It doesn't occure to them. They see the truth and unabashedly call it out to the world. "Mommy, that man has toilet paper stuck to his shoe." Thanks short one. Now I can deal with the problem at hand, or at least get the f*** over it.

Also the classic Shaksperian fool will do this sort of truth shout out a lot.

So I try to be the child fool. If someone is being closed minded, or blind to the obvious, I try to shake them out of it. The only time that this gets hard is when the future is in flux. Its always in flux you say. Not so. Normally there is a momentum to the present that if observed carefully will give a pretty clear indicator to the future. (i.e. the top wabbles before it falls) Sometimes though it doesn't so I shut up. Sometimes calling out the future to soon alters the future and really pisses off the universe. Or at least your friends. So the question still remains after all of this rambling. When to be the child fool and when to be the silent observer. Some might argue that witholding truth is lying but I that is a matter of context. Just in case though, I say more often than not state the truth with the understanding that it is only your own personal interpetation of the velocity of reality. A childs perspective is untainted by class, culture, or fear. Be fearless in your observations.

Easier said than done right?

9/21/2005 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

it's interesting what you say about the future because i too have noticed something similar. if you predict the future based on what you see and know you almost always fuck it up... but if you watch it and treasure it gently within your palms magical things can happen.

i nearly always screw things up with people when i try to force an issue or a situation to resolution. again and again i come back to the same lesson which is patience.

that said, i saw doom for hubris and his wife the day they told me what they were doing... and yet how could i say or do anything to prevent what was clear as day to me? i couldn't... i could only encourage them to have care and take time.

however, being fearless in your observations of others is a lot easier when your own heart isn't saying 'that one! that one! i want THAT one!'

9/21/2005 11:48:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Yes self observation is very different from world observation. I think that many times my first instinct is the correct one but then I find a way to second guess myself. When it comes to the fool seeing his own big nose, he cannot. He is to aware of his own selfish desires and how they color his perception and betray his intuition. Oh well, I guess that we are all given the same vessel in which to sail. No matter how much we would like to see the entire sea, we can only see the single swells as they approach and brace ourselves accordingly.

9/21/2005 12:57:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Yes self observation is very different from world observation. I think that many times my first instinct is the correct one but then I find a way to second guess myself. When it comes to the fool seeing his own big nose, he cannot. He is to aware of his own selfish desires and how they color his perception and betray his intuition. Oh well, I guess that we are all given the same vessel in which to sail. No matter how much we would like to see the entire sea, we can only see the single swells as they approach and brace ourselves accordingly.

9/21/2005 12:57:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dude seriously there is nothing over large about your nose. your face would lose half it's character without it... which i keep telling myself about my own nose but i don't listen well.

i am the queen of the self second guess. if my instincts tell me not to like someone i look around the instincts and wonder why. if i think someone i like likes me i tell myself i'm crazy... it's just what you say, i know what i want...and i only know myself enough to know that i'm probably fooling myself when what i want looks available.

it's so easy to read things if your heart isn't involved... i can see the sea for others, but for myself i can only see the next wave...

9/21/2005 01:10:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

I am so loving "angry pecs" hehe

I so wish I had you determination to hit the gym. I am actually thinking about buying a treadmill cause I have no time to go anywhere.

And yaay on the date... let us know how it goes. :)


9/21/2005 02:12:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey nat

it's not actually determination at ALL... it's finding a form of exercise that you find amusing enough to do it regardless of how you feel that day. i will go climbing when i am in the mood to murder someone and walk out of the gym happy as a clam. don't buy a treadmill, take that money and try every sport you can find (especially if you like the bodies the practitioners have) and then do the one that makes you go 'fun fun fun more!' (also try dance, nia, yoga etc...)

and yeah, they're mad... today however they get ignored!

ps - will do... though he too reads my blog so i have needs must take some care :)

9/21/2005 02:39:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

wOW, I feel shitty that I came into this one way too late.

Since I have read all of the comments, all I can say is what I think about your situation:

I, would do him. If it doesn't work out stay cordial. Perhaps there could still be a friendship. It could happen.

Sounds like this guy isn't a playa. tee hee.

Btw, great post about the park!

9/22/2005 12:22:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

you didn't come into it too late, it's still the current post and as such gets any comments you like :)

i love that you would do him. so simple and yet so difficult. i've got the anti game you see. ;/

you mean where we went camping? yeah it was awesome.

i'm verry tired from (shhh) 4.5 hours of climbing. (well there was a bit of chatting around the 2 hour mark) so y'all will just have to keep commenting on this post :)

9/22/2005 01:05:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

yea..once again the hedonism of law school took me out of the fun conversation.

i've actually thought about this. i find myself thinking "do i like him cause i like him, or do i like him cause he's sitting here across from me and i can have him if i want him?" i think the old adage of just knowing is crucial. my parents have been married for 32 years, and when i ask my mom how she knew my dad was "the one" she said she didn't..she just felt safe when she was around him, and that was enough for her.

i think people put too much stock into this notion of "the one" or the soulmate deal. i think people put too much to their imagination too. looking back, i never could picture myself having sex with any of my ex's...and yet..of course, i did. (not to say it was good sex..but hey...it got done)

with regard to friendship...if you feel so patiently about someone it seems that the question would be a no brainer, no? if you're so infatuated and so drawn to someone, friendship alone would never be satisfactory...so either you would end up taking that next crucual step..or, converly, you'd dissolve from the scene with a bang, or as quietly possible..bt without the object of your desire.

and at 8am with 3 hours of sleep..that's all i got for ya...sorry if it had nothing to do with anything :)

9/22/2005 08:22:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hedonism of law school *snerk*

there's definetely that thing where you go 'hrm available man... must snag' and then you really have to think about whether or not it's just your visceral reaction or whether it's something you actually feel. my grandmother said 'marry someone that brings out the best in you' which is great advice really. i'm with your mom but i would add the ability to be yourself around someone is key.

i don't really think there's a 'one' but i do think there's definetely better and worse matches for a person and so far with a couple of exceptions i haven't been dating men that suited me. a lot of times it was like 'he asked me out, sure i'll go' and others there was definetely something but our personalities didn't mesh in the long run.

you're right, it's hard as hell to be friends with someone you care deeply for. that said, when they don't seem to return it do you force yourself upon them, content yourself with being friends or fade out of their lives? this is especially interesting when you really like the friendship too.

thanks elle, i appreciate your thoughts :)

9/22/2005 11:13:00 AM  
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