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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Saturday, July 30, 2005

to chocolate or not to chocolate

I am having one of those days... well a couple of them actually. Last night I bit the bullet and hit mcd's which I will of course deny if anyone asks. Today I had a sub and some chocolate and I ate breakfast out too and funnily enough I'm exhausted and sleepy.

I suspect that I'm probably at that two day period in my cycle where I just can't eat enough junk. Tragically of the average 30 days for me there are about 9 where I can't eat enough food. It helps that I've been smoking less pot but nonetheless there are these nine days. It makes it hard to keep off any pounds that i shed the other 21 days let me tell you.

I'd really like to know why my body feels the need to do this to me on a monthly basis. I get it that it likes the food that's worst for my hips. I get it that I'm hitting an age where my cycle and the hormones attached to it are going to be making themselves felt with a vengeance. I get it that sometimes what you think you're craving and what your body is really asking for are fully different things.

But still.

Why can't I crave spinach when I ovulate? Why is it that only Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter Chocolate will do? Or Eclats de Caffe which is the best dark chocolate bar ever. No really, ever. It would be nice if my body wanted to eat things like almonds, asparagus, apples... but no. Chocolate, carbs, fat and FRENCH FRIES are the rulers of the day.

I suppose that in some ways this is good. My ladies really like that I look like a human woman when I'm teaching them but nonetheless I truly believe that I would get a LOT more work if I looked like a dancer or a climber or a swimmer. I know that these things come with patience and more work. I know that climbing two or three times a week will rip me to shreds in a few months... it's just.

I'm not feeling very positive lately.

I'm feeling a little bit like I'm treading water and going nowhere and watching my life pass before my eyes. And the thing is that I can't quite figure out what to do about it. I know that I have a life that a lot of people think is pretty cool. I know that with a little patience this Pilates thing will take off. I know that if I can just buckle down and clean the fucking building I'll have the superintendent job as long as I want it.

Still. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I feel like there are all these fantastic places to see and things to do and stuff to learn and I'm just sitting here typing into a computer at 11pm on a Saturday. Because I am here to tell you, nothing says you have no life like blogging on a Saturday night. Except maybe knowing you did the SAME thing on Friday night.

Yeah... after you went climbing with the married guy. Not to mention that the lunch date today? Yeah, with the gay guy. I love my friends, I really do like my life.. I just feel like I'm making decisions that are somehow robbing me of the chance at something more.

For the record something more doesn't necessarily mean 'married with kids and a dog and a white picket fence' because, for one thing? I don't like fences. It's just that I'm stuck in the middle of something. Part of me really wants to pack my shit, sell most of it, dump the rest in the barn at the parents place and fuck off to Bali or something.

In fact my sister has already offered to adopt my cats and since I know how much she loves them I'm down with that. It's just, there's the other part. The part that wonders if maybe the point isn't to stay in one place and get to know the friends and family that are around you and learn to treasure the quiet times and the deep caring relationships.

So I sit here being indecisive and don't DO anything. I don't decide to go, I just decide to stay a little longer. To stay until I save up a little money. To stay until until until... I remind me of the woman who won't pierce her navel until her tummy is flat and worth showing off and thus never pierces her belly button.

The irony of this?

Almost everyone I know tells me how I inspire them, how my positive outlook makes their lives easier, how my ability to just deal with shit amazes them [because when the relationship sucks I actually leave], how they wish they were more like me how how how...

I don't get it. I'm seriously the most fucked up person I know and I inspire people?

That scares me a little.


Blogger castufari said...

Maybe you inspire because you do what you want and don't conform? Are there people that inspire you?

I think it is a big circle. There are people who inspire me that I wish I could be like, maybe inside they'd rather be me or be someone else. *shrug*

7/31/2005 02:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

I don't know... I don't really want to be anyone but myself... but i am inspired by people for sure. Everytime i see the teachers who out me back together I am reinspired about movement and pilates... but i want to be me still.

I wish I had certain qualities they have but I don't wish to BE them

8/01/2005 06:15:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

Exactly, take some of the qualities but leave the icky stuff.

8/01/2005 07:46:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i guess i just find it wierd that i'm someone people would want to emulate... it's... unexpected

8/01/2005 09:18:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

You pretty much do what you want, when you want. I wish I could pull that one off.

8/02/2005 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i wish to have a kid... that one doesn't work so well if you can't find someone to do it with... if you didn't have a kid you'd do it too right?

as for what i want, so many of my decisions are survival based... like 'i can't survive another day in this job/r'ship/city/whatever'

8/02/2005 12:58:00 PM  

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