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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Saturday, August 13, 2005

dear universe

I am irked with you. Seriously ... irked. I don't dare be mad or angry of vindictive because, well, you're the Universe and all you have to do is breathe funny to blow my little life up. But still. I only wanted ONE thing for my birthday from you and that was CLEAR SKIES so I could see the fucking perseids meteor shower. Did you miss my 17 messages, 47 prayers, three blog entries, and chanting cousin all asking for the same things?

Now, when I woke up with the worst cramps I've had in like years I decided that was the price that I had to pay so that you would magically clear the skies. When there was mass crankiness everywhere I decided that was just you making me pay it forward. I believed I was getting a clear sky.

Now, I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to feel grateful for the nice temperature, good food, VERY necessary cash from my parents [brake rotor, windshield... maybe a fixed cat], company of my family and best friend, swim in the pond with my mother and ONE SINGLE meteor that I saw through a hole in the clouds.

It was a nice meteor. Good and strong with a solid tail and it happened to go in the general direction of the opening in the clouds. And my sister saw it too.

But still, I was exhausted all day and nothing was quite right and then today was just as shitty. Somehow it was kind of a flat couple of days. The serious cramps... so not helping and still echoing a little.

I'm trying to count my blessings but it's just not... quite... working. I'm healthy and happy. I can eat, I can fix my car. My cats are healthy and I have a job interview on Wednesday.

I think this whole dating thing is getting to me. I emailed a guy on okcupid.com and he emailed me back some great stuff... so i emailed and he emailed, three days later... and i emailed and nothing for like 6 days. It's weird. I wonder what he said... Mostly that he spent 40 minutes writing to me and the server ate it. And that he hopes we keep communicating but just nothing that's actually hrm... i don't know how to explain it but i'm pretty conclusively sure that he's just not that into me. It could be the 6 day wait to answer my mail. The tragedy of okcupid.com is that you can actually SEE if they're online if they're in your saved people list. It would be easier to believe he were busy if i didn't know he was online every day.

This all seems just a little too difficult. Maybe there's a vibe or dating is not in my near future destiny or i'm trying too hard or something.

I found out conclusively that someone I thought was going to be a really good friend is actually kind of self centered and all about themselves. this saddens me because it means my ability to read people is even more fucked than i'm discovering it is.

I read the Baghdad Blog book and it's FANTASTIC. Somehow it makes me feel even lamer for being depressed about my life. Here's this guy writing about having 4 hours of power a day and no internet. Being grateful to get a shitty dialup connection or food at the store. Bombs and mortars hitting the house just over there. Sinking a well so as to have some kind of water to drink. Having guns pointed between his eyes if he drove past a convoy. Like this is some scary shit.

So then I sit around and feel sorry for myself because noone wants to date me. But I have a working (mostly) car, healthy pets, food at the store, a job that pays me, a dsl internet connection and access to western media.

I'm supposed to be grateful for my blessings dammit. I'm living in the fattest, richest civilisation there's ever been with probably the biggest dichotomy between cultures ever and my culture the direct beneficiary of ALL of this and I'm miserable. Well okay miserable is too strong a word.

I tend to be smiling and striding down the street. I don't stare at the ground and feel sorry for myself or anything. I just feel vaguely dissatisfied with my life and my lot. I think it's that my feet are so damm itchy for travelling I can't bear it.

Maybe some travel company will decide they like my writing and send me places.

Maybe Pilates will get me a job at some crazy resort. Damm that would be cool, must look into that.

All signs point to time to move. Let's see what actually happens.


Blogger DZER said...

if ya ever get out to Guam, I'll show ya around all the sites and take you to the cool places tourists never get to see/experience ...

oh, and I've been told the weather was perfect to view the Perseid experience here ...

8/14/2005 12:01:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

if i ever get to guam i will totally take you up on that.

rub it in about the perfect weather why don'tcha? geeze.

ps you can still watch them they're tapering off but should still see a bunch

8/14/2005 04:42:00 PM  

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