thoughts...

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The link is where I went on Monday. Still way too overwhelmed to discuss it so I'm going to chat about trivial things.

There seems to be a sea change happening in a lot of parts of me. I've gone pretty much off hanging out with mary jane and I feel really good about it. I thought it would be significantly more difficult than it is. I'm not really missing it except on the days after the days when I smoke. I smoked twice last week instead of the once I intended but visiting people you see twice a year is an exception iffen you ask me. [If you don't ask me then why are you reading?]

Anyway I find that my head is clearing a little and that I can in fact enjoy things without being high. Like the Big Beat. It's this crazy solstice party that I have attended 4 times in a row and the first three I was high off my ass the whole time. Check this out. It's JUST AS MUCH FUN when you're sober.

I know.
Weird in the extreme.

Thing is I don't ever want to totally give it up, but smoking every day is so overrated and frankly rather boring after a few years.

Along with this I notice (most of this had already started before mary jane went on vacation) that what I choose to read and do is changing. Watching television is less interesting with each passing day. I don't mean I'll give it all up, I just mean that as my body continues to heal those activities that involve lying on the couch are losing ground to those that involve physical activity and/or other people.

Truthfully I'm a little relieved that the television habit is fading. It was seriously getting out of hand.

As for books, while I think that I will continue to love good fiction and most especially good fantasy or science fiction I do not feel that it will be as large a factor in the future. I sort of feel like I've read all the stories, and although the good dialogue or characterization is always to be cherished well... i'm sort of bored. I solved this problem at first with humour and will continue to read several really seriously good authors for a long time. However there is so much more that I want to read now. I find myself wanting to read PLATO!

[don't tell my dad, he'll be thrilled]

I think that along with my increased healing has come increased capacity. I've managed to set myself up a life that (although still filled with money problems) is fun, rewarding and has enough flexibility to allow me to do many things that I love. Because my work is no longer sucking all the creativity and friendliness from my soul [as i was once heard to type... 'answering the phone for a living will beat the nice right out of you'] and my life is no longer filled with pointless computer crap I find that my BRAIN is actually thirsty for knowledge and experience.

So rather than wanting to stick to the familiar, to read for escape, to watch tv for comfort or to surf the same old websites I find myself hungry, nay starving for new experience. Textbooks are interesting. Museums have taken on a whole new glamour. Music is becoming important to me again. Making friends is actually something to delight in rather than someting to dread. Heck I'm even actively looking for someone to date. Okay that last one's been on for a while...

Tragically this does mean that my apartment is a much messier place than it once was. Funny how that happens when you're never home.

Speaking of new... man that Dave Chappelle guy is SERIOUSLY bitter and so damm funny. I don't think I could watch more than an hour a week without twisting my brain into knots. Wonder what my new thing for tomorrow is...