psychological watersheds

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Or how not to go into shock from bliss.

I didn't realise something. I didn't notice how much weight I had put into rock climbing after my accident. I was sad and I missed it but I didn't really consider the symbolic value of the thing. That it, in some intrinsic way, represented the life I was living before my body broke in a slow and crumbling way. Before I fell apart. Before my ex and I split up. Before I was rendered unable to sit at a desk for any meaningful length of time. Before.

I didn't notice. How could I not have noticed how much psychological weight I had put into a thing? To not realise that I would feel in some way vindicated and relieved and blissed out with glee (and sore arms *grin*). Funnily enough, this climbing thing turns out to represent healing to me. It seems that sometime in the midst of the crap the Universe chose to sling at me for a few years I put all my hopes for my body into the walls of a climbing gym. My faith that I would get better, that I would heal, that I would 'get my life back' so to speak.

Ironically I haven't gotten my life back at all. I've changed it so much and my self has changed so much that what I've really done is to acquire a new and wonderful life. I have a whole new set of friends [other than othercat and PJ who are saints and also family even though we aren't related], new interests, new apartment, new cats, new outlook on life. New everything.

And yet.

Somehow this one thing from before has such amazing significance. Such power to release. I literally feel that I've lost 20 pounds (which is funny because I haven't lost a pound in a year and a half... that said, the mary jane vacation should solve that one) and grown taller. Seriously, I look in the mirror and I feel and look taller.

Odd but cool.


In other news, some very congenial company came to stay at my apartment for the weekend and party with hubris and I. And we did. In fact we did it so well that by the end of the weekend it was rather difficult to speak without sort of making an effort. This is a little weird for me as I am usually very talkative and never run out of things to say. Funny thing though, othercat and I as well as hubris and I are often not speaking for quite some time together.

I sometimes wonder why the closer I get to people the less I feel the need to speak when I'm around them. It's not that we've said everything there is to say. Well othercat and I can bore each other to tears but that's okay, we still love each other. It's not that we secretly don't want to talk to that bore over there. It's more. The realisation that sometimes just to be around someone and fill yourself up on their energy is enough. More than enough. Ideal even.

Some high points of the weekend... climbing routes again and knowing how, laughing until 4am with a couple of tenants and some friends, walking tour of Toronto with othercat and lsd, getting smoked out instead of falling back into daily smoking, not being tired of someone's company after days of being within ten feet of them, new music, new card game [texas holdem seems pretty fun... scary though since I might get silly about it], much delicious food, losing weight while eating whatever I wanted, quiet times in parks and just a general state of bliss for days.

The best part? The building went on vacation too and I didn't have crap to do!