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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, November 07, 2005

approach with caution

.
i've been informed that i need to girly up if i want to get some action in the guy department. like put on mascara and dress more softly and somehow be less confident.

which to me feels like lying. i mean some tight jeans okay, i've always been into the tight jeans... and getting some clothing that i pick instead of some hand me downs and fat girl stuff will also help. (Because I actually like the occasional skirt even though I own none of them...)

but.

just how far do i take this image reconstruction? yeah i want to look hot for sure but do i want to start wearing mascara? lipstick?

being an actual girl instead of a tomboy?

and don't think i don't know *exactly* how to put on the warpaint kids cause well, i do.

and don't think i don't know what high heels are for cause again, yeah, i do.

and i've done the totally girly thing. i was a rocker chick for crying out loud. full makeup, less slutty than the other girls by .1% or so, enormous hair, boots or stilettos, blah blah blah...

i learned a lot from that, mostly that putting on makeup and doing your hair takes a lot of time and that I am an extremely busy person. i also learned that it didn't really accomplish anything.

at least now i look like myself. comfy and casual with just a touch of elegance around the edges. enough to swank up with the best of them. sort of like my table manners [actually those can choose to be impecabble if i wish.]

i drive an old car, i live in a small apartment, i have old clothes and some cats... and apparently an edge and too much confidence. [too much confidence? WHAT the FUCK?!?!?]

apparently i should soften my edge... but i don't feel like i have an edge at all. Apparently I do because I can wear a jean jacket with a hoodie under it. Never underestimate the power of poverty for giving you the ability to wear anything. but i digress. the point is that apparently i'm edgy... which is why people don't fuck with me or approach me.

but people fuck with me all the time.

and i'm not approachable.

the mind boggles.

here i thought i was outgoing, cheerful, friendly, easy to talk to and no, i'm intimidating.

what the fuck? no really... what the fuck.

because i've been suspicious for a while that it really is about having perfect hair and nice makeup and dressing girly... but i thought to myself 'self, you don't really want a guy that's preoccupied with those things, in fact you want a guy who wants a girl who's independent and capable...' but i don't see any of those anywhere and i'm getting kinda lonely.

And traditionally I really have been the girl that the guys hang out with. Yeah, I'm the one they talk to about the girls they like.

I do know lots of women who dress sort of like me and do the no makeup thing... but they're tiny and I think that makes a difference.

What I can't figure out is this. At what point does changing your look become a lie? I mean every time you buy new clothing or shoes or get your hair cut you're changing your look. And everytime you gain/lose weight or muscle up you're changing your look there too. And yet somehow with the makeup it feels like lying.

It doesn't feel like lying when I'm going to a swanky do of course. Or even when I'm going to an upscale restaurant and I have to dress up. It does feel like lying to put on mascara before I go climbing.

Why is that I wonder? Is it because I know that if I actually start dating someone I will very quickly revert to my no makeup and casual hair self? Or is it that I've made not wearing makeup into some kind of statement of independence from traditional female roles? (says the woman who TEACHES PILATES! *snerk*)

I know damm well that if I put on mascara my eyes pop and my lips get redder... so why don't I do it? It only takes a second right? In fact I may just try it for a week or two but then my eyes will start to itch and my eyelashes will get stiff and unhappy and the mascara will disappear back into the old makeup bag...

so i put it to y'all... do you think it's true? do you think a woman who is confident and capable and yes tall and sorta hot is too intimidating? and should she care? because really, if i'm too scary to talk to do i really want to date you? [and never fear, i get silly and giggly when approached by a man out of the blue... so i *can* flirt... i just seem to turn them into beer buddies somehow...]

advice?
thoughts?
comments?

35 Comments:

Blogger sassinak said...

no, i've been talking with a gay man... always approach advice with caution right?

the thing is that he would argue that the suits are off putting too or some crap like that... he would tell you to 'soften' your look.

that's the thing i don't get... i get the most comments on my looks when i've just crawled out of bed or something...

that's just it, i feel like if i turn into makeup girl i'm lying... but i feel like if i don't i'm stuck being one of the guys...

god i'm glad i have cats! :) They do keep a person grounded...

11/07/2005 04:12:00 PM  
Blogger othercat said...

Wot a load of crap. Girly up for what? To prove that you can do the dating camouflage thing?

I've always thought that women who relied on makeup all the time were trying to mask deficiencies or hide something. What's wrong with presenting the face you actually have to the world? The one you've got is certainly attractive enough.

As for the flirtatious Sass, I still recall when I met you. The first thing you started doing was flirting. That didn't seem forced or phony in the least. I took an instant like to you because of your outgoing nature, and nothing has changed in the six or so years I've known you. I appreciate confidence in women. There are too many shrinking violets in the world.

I think Johnny C says it right: Are you sure you haven't bypassed a hottie or two?

11/07/2005 06:02:00 PM  
Blogger Tom Cavnar said...

Sass...

(No offense intended to the friend who suggested it, but...) Ignore the advice about the edgy-ness and softening up your look! Fuck that noise! Wear what makes you comfortable. Dress like yourself.

Yes, you can get away with wearing the PVC catsuit. Many women can't! That makes you hot. But so does splitting wood with a wedge and sledgehammer, and climbing a 5.10 and teaching Pilates! And and and!!

If men get scared off by lack of makeup, your height, confidence, etc, then they're really not worth your time.

And remember, beer buddies and dating prospects need not be mutually exclusive concepts.

(Mmm, beer...)

11/07/2005 06:16:00 PM  
Blogger Ambrrrr said...

Ok so I give this advice. Makeup will make you look old if you wear it all the time. All the girls I grew up with look way older than me and they have been plying their faces with the paint for half their lives or more. I waer it rarely and I look pretty young. I t's a belief I have, I know a lot of it is they never took care of their sking right and makeup and lifestyle made them look older. I put a lot of balme on makeup too.

I like makeup, and I know how to use it. I am called a scary girl, a mean girl an evil gir,l I've even had a guy telling me I was a weirdo once - he honestly thought that was a good pick up line. I get told this by guys who don't know me. I get told to soften, lose weight and be more like other girls too. It sucketh. I rebel.

I'm fairly tall at 5'9". I think it's the height thing more than anything, that may cause intimidation. It's also my tattoos and the fact that I'm not a damsel in distress.

11/07/2005 06:59:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

Sometimes I think men like to take care of a woman. They like to be needed. If a strong woman can take care of herself, he feels un-needed.

My husband and I have been going through some stuff lately and it's all tied to his wanting to take care of me. I have proved that I don't in fact need him and he feels threatened. I say that it's his problem, not mine.

So what I'm trying to say is that you need to be who you are. You will never be happy if you try to please someone besides yourself. Give yourself time and when you least expect it, the right one will become part of your life regardless of whether you wear makeup or not.=

11/07/2005 10:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

johnny: i *heart* you i really do. i could go read that book i guess but it took me a while to assimilate it and i don't REALLY want to have to work through that crap again.

i'm glad to know that you're confused... because i'm totally confused. not to be high on myself or anything but i'm the fucking cookie cutter of what half the guys i know SAY they're looking for.

i flirt effectively? yes!

you know it's funny you say that because *I* get very skeptical when boys are suddenly into you after you lose weight or change your wardrobe... like what i wasn't worth noticing before?

johnny i SO want to believe that being myself is enough but well... it's been a very long time since i got any action. i'm looking i'm looking and i just don't see anything. heck i even got hubris to look and he didn't see shit.

blondie: okay :) now i want to hear how you feel.

11/07/2005 11:36:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

othercat: i don't think i really need to prove i can do the camouflage thing... heck i can wear a wig! i also feel that women who live in makeup are hiding something... sometimes even from themselves... but i do suspect there's a happy medium in between.

it cracks me up that i flirted with you when i met you... cracks me up. it's just that everyone either likes or dislikes me on sight... but no one seems to *like* me.

and trust me, i'm lookin' i'm lookin... i don't see anyone lookin' back!


sonus: you live in california. only people who live in the south or the western US think i'm hot... this isn't helping me HERE! [i'm glad the wood splitting makes me hot... i really thought it did!]

see that's the thing, i have no beef with dating a beer buddy but i don't even really have any of those except for hubris and othercat...

also? mmmm beeeeeer


amber: i agree, i've always noticed that women who live in the mask end up looking like it. also being too thin for a really long time will age your face drastically. fine if you're a celebrity with a dermatologist on speed dial ... not so fine otherwise.

i do like makeup although i need to shop for some fresh colours... i just don't understand why being 'girly' is a necessary prerequisite for dating. personally i would find a woman who can light a fire in a windstorm WAY more attractive than a woman who can put on mascara in a windstorm...

i'm 5'11... so i'm more intimidating than you. joy. personally i think it's the not being a damsel in distress but that makes me feel high on myself.

11/07/2005 11:46:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jenn: sometimes i think you hit the nail on the head... like right now. what i don't get is why a man can't care for and about you without needing to take care of you. just because i don't need you to chop wood for me doesn't mean i don't need you to love me and hug me when i'm sad and listen to me ramble about my day.

i don't want a man to run my life, i want one to share it with... and that seems really hard to find. when i do find men that i think would suit me they're off chasing some fucking helpless girly girl and going 'so do you think she likes me?'

daywalker: you are correct, i am most definetely pensive about this one. i did actually put on some mascara today before i went to teach. so i compromised... nothing else just a little eyelash enhancement.

i appreciate that you have the balls to disagree with the majority response on this one because i think your perspective is also valid. trying to look a little more attractive to the opposite sex is why people do a lot of the things they do. (like go to the gym or wear well fitted clothing...)

i think if you know someone already and then they see you all dressed up and suddenly get into you that that's fucking bullshit. however, if someone new notices you at that point it isn't bullshit at all.

i'm very uncomfortable when i see on some of those makeover shows that the guy suddenly likes the girl he's known for a decade. that shit is just weird... seriously he never noticed she was pretty before?

and you're right, i do talk to strangers on the street...

damm you for saving all the ammo for the end... you're right, if it makes me think this much and feel this weird i really should probably try it.

but it still feels like lying somehow.

damm three comments from me just to catch up with y'all!

11/08/2005 12:08:00 AM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

I have to go with what daywalker said about wearing makeup. It really is just enhancing what you already have. Wearing a little mascara is not lying. It may even make you feel better about yourself because you have taken the time to draw attention to your looks, therefore making you feel hot.

You have spent alot of time over the years being down on yourself about your looks. It's time your brain caught up to the bod. It sounds like you are working on this.

My opinion is that you should try the makeup if that's what you want. Do what is right for you.

11/08/2005 12:27:00 AM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

I have to go with what daywalker said about wearing makeup. It really is just enhancing what you already have. Wearing a little mascara is not lying. It may even make you feel better about yourself because you have taken the time to draw attention to your looks, therefore making you feel hot.

You have spent alot of time over the years being down on yourself about your looks. It's time your brain caught up to the bod. It sounds like you are working on this.

My opinion is that you should try the makeup if that's what you want. Do what is right for you.

11/08/2005 12:27:00 AM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

sorry about the duplicate. It's late!

11/08/2005 12:28:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

a lot of sensible things said here, but I can't resist adding my two cents:

1. Are you sure you want to take advice about what straight guys want from a gay friend? LOL

2. Whatever you decide to do in terms of personal enhancement, the key is to be yourself and project your true self, no matter what clothing or makeup you're wearing.

3. Tomboys rock ... especially super-tall ones who are super-bendy and can climb rocks and stuff ;)

11/08/2005 03:16:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jenn: no worries... i'll take a double comment over spam ANYTIME! and yeah i think daywalker has the right of it. he wouldn't if i suddenly started putting on full mask makeup because that would be ridiculous, but a little bit of mascara or lipstick isn't the same thing.

well i'm only really down on myself when i'm overweight... otherwise i think i look pretty good...


dz: *lmao* point,,, though he did date girls for years.

i don't think i'm really capable of being someone else for more than five minutes anyway

i think tomboys rock myself... but all the tomboys i know are single.

gem: i *know*

i cannot comprehend wearing makeup to go and sweat... it's totally counterproductive and bad for your face..

i'm not stronger than the guys at the climbing gym though... in fact i'm for sure weaker than all of them...

11/08/2005 06:39:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

Be you. Dress how you want. Act how you want.

I do all the make-up and the girly dressing...and you know what? My guy friends always say "You aren't going to find someone unless you dumb it down a bit. Guys like smart girls, yea...but not when they can outwit them. Let the guy get a few good jabs in without retorting all the time." blah blah blah fuckin blah.

Guys are intimidated by their own fucking shadow if it doesn't suit their at-the-moment-needs. Wouldn't you rather know you found someone that likes you for you and your jean jacket-sweatshirt combo...instead of them liking you cause you slapped on some lipliner and lipgloss, and opted to alter yourself just to get them to notice you?

11/08/2005 09:11:00 AM  
Blogger Lia said...

If I were you I would only take advice from people who are in good, long-lasting relationships since that is the kind you want. Which means you shouldn't listen to me! But looking at friends who are in them, I have noticed that both partners gussied up a bit in the earlier stages for mate attraction, but not so they didn't feel themselves. If you act or feel like you aren't yourself, you will meet someone who likes the fake you not the real you. So maybe add the gloss but stay in your comfort zone, is my opinion.

11/08/2005 09:21:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

You are purrrrfect as you are. Fuck anyone that tells you to change. The person you want to be with will want you as you and for you and not as some imitation of you. You rock as you are and someone will be lucky to have you as you. I pity the millions who put on a farse just to be with someone. They are never truly happy.

Stay true to yourself.

-N

11/08/2005 09:54:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

lividviv!! yer still alive! hey there! and good advice!

I just wanna say ... to "Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC:

You!
Sassed me alllll niiiiiiight long!
yeah you!
sassed me all night loooong!!

11/08/2005 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

holy holy holy crap. you guys rock. i am so impressed with my readers it's awesome!

cast: yeah that's EXACTLY what i'm saying... that shit drives me batty.

daywalker: he does in fact follow his own advice... he dresses well and so on. funny thing though, i try to get him to groom (NOT PLUCK) his eyebrows and he's all 'oh no that's too gay!' which is extra funny from a guy telling me to put on makeup.

i get what you're saying... just because xena can swing a sword doesn't mean she was ever anything but feminine... so yeah there's definetely something to be said for harnessing a little of the peacock inside.

so here's teh question... what's the difference between butch and strong?

buttah: I *used* to do all the makeup and girlyness but this really does seem more my actual style. but yeah i get told to be 'less confrontational' or 'easier to approach' or 'less snarky' or whatfuckingever.

seriously i can pretend i'm not sarcastic but that will only last until you do something really lame and then out comes the snark! Nice to know we're getting the same advice, must be why i like you so much!

see it's funny... i'm trying to figure out where the change yourself line is. and it's not putting on a little mascara... but it's not far from there.

11/08/2005 12:37:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

lividviv: yay you're visiting the blogverse! i think you've nailed the right of it darlin' and i can't add a thing to your comments.

natalia: i think i'm pretty awesome but i can sort of see what my friend means. it's like i'm too much for most people... and while i don't want to lessen myself i suspect there are opportunities i'm not getting because i'm larger than life.

so i don't want to be someone else but i do sort of wonder if a little polishing the stone is a bad idea...

dzer: she does give great advice doesn't she? also *funny*

blondie: STOP calling yourself ineloquent... just stop. I've never ever seen you be anything but clear and well spoken. so stop insulting your awesome skillz with language!

:)

11/08/2005 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

yeah dude
2 years and 5 months.

11/08/2005 01:17:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gigi: is it wrong that that makes me feel a lil better?

punk: yeah apparently i'm not girly enough... *shrug*

11/08/2005 01:31:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gigi: heh
well it's nice to know i'm not the only one who is having or has had a ridiculously long drought...

11/08/2005 01:35:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

oh man gigi me too. i just keep hearing 'you're not putting it out there' ... what the fuck does *that* mean?

hell i've asked out men for the first time in my life this year and still nothin' (well a new good friend... but you know)

i'm thinking my dad is right about the drought in your thirties...

11/08/2005 01:52:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

damn dude... it's freaking weird isn't it?

i sometimes think that the idea that we're doing something wrong is the something we're doing wrong...

11/08/2005 02:01:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i tried that but i felt icky in the morning...

11/08/2005 02:10:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

*passes decadent dark chocolate with crunchy coffee bits*

11/08/2005 02:24:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

apparently some women choose chocolate over sex...

11/08/2005 02:39:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

rofl!

nope
not a one

11/08/2005 03:12:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

wow ... an over-50 comment post ... you are officially a blogstar!!

hey now, you're a blogstar, get your blog on, get paid
hey now, you're a blogstar, come one, get laid!

LOL

11/08/2005 06:53:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dw: okay so she doesn't have to be like ms. fitness or whatever just comfortable using her body and getting active.

it seems i'm a bit museish which is funny because i am SO not an artist... but a couple of artist types i know seem to like the look of me for whatever reason... sorta cool really :)

um, ballerina friend?

yeah that art was beautiful, ESPECIALLY the lady we discussed for a while looking out from her perch on a rock.

angelina jolie is a FANTASTIC example.

dzer: hee! that's twice in less than a month!

11/08/2005 07:12:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

johnny: wait, who said we were rolling? *grin*

i'm glad my blog is rocking though... i'm sorta proud of this little piece of the blogverse.

anyway yeah i really do look and i see men that i find attractive but they just don't... hrm how to put it. i sit down to talk to a guy at the gym and he talks a bit (this is very casual while bouldering) but he doesn't ask ME any questions... you know what i mean? even a couple i though *might* be digging me sort of don't seem all that interested in talking to me. don't try to say bye before they go... you know?

but i'm down with fresher eyes ... maybe some mascara will freshen them up *snerk*

i am losing confidence a little but the truth is i don't really have any. there are many kinds of confidence, i am gifted with an abundance of the kind that leads one to run off to bali alone and take surfing lessons... not so much the one that believes i'm funny or hot or interesting or worth dating or befriending...

i too think viv and dw have hit the nail on the head. my other friend i think was pushing me too far in one direction... a little wee bit of *pop* to the eyes and gloss to the lips isn't hiding crap... it's just 'hey here i am' (or something... wtf do i know?)

i think that's the hardest part you know? keeping your heart open. it's just so easy to close up and hide. and you are right, it's never where you're lookin'

11/08/2005 07:20:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

curious: there's sixty of them... AND some of them are LONG!

so yeah can't blame you at all.

i love your response to my post. i love it.

also i'm fully stealing your idea of looking at the women that the men i'm interested in are into or with. of course sometimes i'll only see their friends but i'd say a lot of friends are near misses anyway.

yeah that's just it... if you want a girly girl i just am NOT it. like not. at all. nope.

i'm fully female and i love it but i am not any sort of traditional girly person.

i knew that my friends' advice had hit me where it hurt but you've hit the nail on the head of why. he's right but not for the reasons he says... basically :)

also yeah.... chocolate... if you send me your address i'll mail you a $4 chocolate bar that will knock your socks off. (if you LIKE dark chocolate...)

11/09/2005 12:02:00 AM  
Blogger Lance said...

Do it Curious! Send the money. You won't regret it. I promise.

11/09/2005 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger figleaf said...

I think the problem with dumbing down or tarting up is that the guys you wind up with are the kind who fall for women who aren't, well, you. Which sort of defeats the purpose.

Take care,

figleaf

11/15/2005 02:36:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

lsd: do you want some too? i haven't made it to the post office yet...

figleaf: i have no interest in dumbing down, i'm debating the merits of a little mascara on occasion. because yeah, if the guy i date is after a girly girl then i'm the wrong woman for him...

11/15/2005 12:21:00 PM  

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