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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

puff puff puff

do you ever have moments where you're struck by the ridiculousness that is your *self* and how much it changes?

i had one the other day. i had to get (as y'all are aware) a new windshield for my car. the previous one had cracked from the top down and from the bottom up and though it then stayed stable for a year (the cracks never met) i was concerned the entire time.

too poor to deal you understand... but concerned.

so anyway i think the universe is messing with me. because JUST when i start to think about shoes things happen. seriously the second i decide i can afford shoes i pop a tire.

and then i pop another tire.

and then? yeah new cracks appear in the windshield and these ones are growing. so i talked to my pal EM who hooked me up with a guy who did it for cost and off i went for my new piece of glass.

this is NOT helping my shoe collection one bit!

and that man? the one who did it? such a beautiful man. gorgeous eyes where you can't tell if they're green or brown because they change with the light and a freshly shaven head to go with.

little bit of style with some nice hips, great arms and an awesome ass and what's not to like?

oh my GOD

the man smokes THREE PACKS a fucking day.

three PACKS of cigarettes a fucking DAY!


total turn off. not like he went from 'heavily dateable' to 'kinda dateable' nope. he went from 'fully dateable' to 'not a chance in hell' because of that one little detail.

Irony? that i smoked at LEAST a pack a day for twelve years.

Further irony? i'm still smoking pot...

but tobacco yeah, i just can't bear to be around it to any extent beyond a smoke or two while drinking. And although i've been interested in social smokers in the five years since i quit smoking i have to say that the act of smoking regularly in your home is a full on deal breaker for me.

why is this funny enough to make me talk about it?

I used to be this guy. I used to smoke and smoke and smoke AND I used to plan my social outings around whether or not i could smoke at the designated venue. I used to wake up at night and have a cigarette. I used to light up when i knew i was exactly 8 minutes from my destination...

i used to get less interested in a man if he DIDN'T smoke because i didn't want to deal with the pressure to quit. Funny though I would say I've dated more non smokers than smokers overall.

So in the five years (okay five years on december 21st) since i quit smoking i've made a complete mental shift such that something that used to matter to me is now something i will not tolerate.

i had a guy once claim that he quit smoking so that i would date him. he made a big hoorah about it and everything. was ridiculous cause after we split he started again and was blaming his life as though i should have just accepted this toxic decision on his part. he in fact got very angry and defensive with me when i pointed out the 'agreement to quit smoking' that he had given me and forced me to witness him sign.

Not to mention? he had offered in this agreement ten bucks for every smoke he smoked. so when i jokingly tried to collect he got enraged.

as though *I* had forced him to quit while we were dating.

i didn't do shit, i just told him i didn't date smokers. he took it from there. how does that make any of it my fault?

anyway, too bad about the beautiful man (interesting to boot) but any spark there might have been got stepped on like one of his 75 cigarette butts per day. Or one of the four butts he consumed in the half hour we chatted.

funny how i changed though. that guy would have been right up my alley five years ago... and now? *shrug*



Blogger Natalia said...

Oh that SUCKS! But I am totally with you. There are things that are deal breakers. Everyone has them, even if not everyone's are as sane as yours.

Some women will not date a guy that is not making a certain amount of money. Their prerogative...although they might miss out on a man who is still finding his vocation and will end up having a great passion for his career and make decent money.

Smoking is a big issue. I am an ex-smoker as well and I don't want to be with a smoker because I don't need the second-hand smoke. I am the type that can have a fag or two if drinking ever so often and not get hooked again. But being around it all the time, might as well smoke since you are still getting the damage.

Damn, am I verbose lately or what? Oh and I wanted to ask..in a previous post about things you will never wear again, you mentioned a size 4 and a size 40. Explain? :)


11/30/2005 04:13:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

I often think back to only 3 years ago and have to laugh my ass off. I think that this is a very good thing.

3 years ago I didn't know how to turn on a computer. I had never surfed the internet or designed a sketch for a future drawing or painting. I didn't have a credit card and I believed that having one would instantly put me in dept. I was paranoid to travel out of my state and had only began to take interest in physical activities.

I think back to that person and how confident he was in all of his convictions and how unwilling he was to challenge the status quo in his life and I laugh.

One of the hardest parts of life is finding the courage to crush are realities in favor of the unknown. However when we do finally come out of the utter self devistation that the unknown brings with it, there is time to laugh at the person we were and thank ourselves for the person we have become and to wonder hopefully at the person we will one day be.

11/30/2005 07:32:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

nothing...NOTHING stands in the way of shoes my deer: women creedo number 2.677!

i feel you though. my shoe collection has remained stagnant since i started law school with the exception of one pair of valentino's, and the "come fuck me" boots i got for winter "i have to be wearing high heels if i'm not at the gym or in uggs" purposes.

funny. i used to smoke 2 packs a day form the age of 13 to 18...i quit for a guy. only good thing that asshole ever did for me.

more funny? i've always hated the smell of cigarettes.

11/30/2005 07:37:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

Too bad about the smokes...try to explain it to someone who smokes a lot and they'll go ballistic. Quitting is a bitch!

I'm glad you quit.

Shoes? :P I have a pair of Vans, a pair of Nike trainers for the gym (won't be needing them for a while!) and my Sketchers. Oh, a pair of dress shoes somewhere. I think.

11/30/2005 07:41:00 PM  
Blogger othercat said...

When I was a young brat, (as opposed to an old brat) my mum smoked cigarettes. I was put off from the start because of the horrible stink, and the frequent warnings about lung disease that were common even in the bad old days.

I still have to shake my head when I see young'uns puffing away on their tobacco, despite the heavy anti smoking campaigns that have been ongoing. But then again, younger people think they're ten feet tall and bulletproof. As I age, I know better, and I guess I had enough modesty in my youth to realize that it just isn't so.

As for the instant loss of sex appeal in the presence of a cigarette, that's always been the case for me. The thought of kissing a smoker, let alone getting close to them was hard to take.

11/30/2005 08:09:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

One damn thing I know for sure...the smell of curing tobacco is lethal. I live about 1/2 mile from the 2 tobacco auctions here in Western NC and to drive by them is heaven. The smell is wonderful.

I dated a smoker briefly, I could never get over the taste of smoke in a kiss.

11/30/2005 08:32:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

natalia: it sucks but it's also sort of neat to know that my non smoking and self change has progressed that far. hey now just because smoking is a dealbreaker for me doesn't make all of them sane. for example? tragically i need my man to be attractive (fortunately i find a WIDE variety of men attractive :)

the money thing is lame. can you support yourself? good enough said.

i used to smoke and if i'm around it i start to want it. not worth it. just not.

i like your verbose :P
you leave excellent comment!

oh when i was swimming my racing suit was a size 4 though i was a size 6 and i still have bruises on my shoulders. after my accident i hit size 40 and now i'm a 32 again... i should range between 28 and 34... otherwise i'm not healthy :)

lsd: you are at just the age where massive change happens fast. i didn't recognize myself at 28 compared to myself at 24.

that being said. wow. hella change. hella. i never even met that guy that you were and i don't think i would recognize him.

funny thing though.. those tendencies that aren't the ones we want in ourselves are still there for sure. so you may challenge yourself NOW but as you age you may lose that... or it will be a fight to keep it.

that's why i describe my accident as the most horrible positive experience of my life. because that's just what it did to me. changed and tempered me and forced me to grow!

11/30/2005 09:08:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: i *know* wail! and all my shoes are holy or lame and i can't get new ones and i want some new sexy sneakers and some great winter boots with mild heel and and and *sigh*

mine was stagnant which was okay until 2 pairs of sandals and my favourite sneaks all died at once.

wow. wow... i'm really glad you quit! i loved the smell of unlit cigs, still do.. don't like that stale tobacco smoke smell though!

cast: yeah they don't like it when you reject them for that. i'm glad i quit too.

dude. women's shoes are designed to only match one thing... it's hard not to collect them and harder still when your mainstays are dead.

othercat: you're always going to be a brat!

the young ones smoke because the old ones disapprove. as it ever was :)

and yeah dude... don't kiss a smoker, it's no fun!

cast: damm dude. that sounds evil as hell. i'm glad i don't live near there... it's that fresh pack smell that gets me!

11/30/2005 09:11:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

First of all. I smoke- sometimes, and certainly not 3 packs a friggin day.

Dude, that's just sick.

I don't smoke in the house.
I don't smoke around my kids.
I don't smoke in the car.
I don't expect others to sit in a smoking section for me because I hate smoking sections.

Im a smoker that hates smoking.

Interesting conundrum. Anyway, it's about time for me to quit my 5 cigs a day habit I suppose.

On another note - I know what Im getting you for Christmas!!!


11/30/2005 09:18:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

And Sass, I totally noticed that.

Yes, way to go. Smooth even.

Gawd love ya... seriously.

11/30/2005 09:20:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

It seems that's always the way it goes. You save your money for something that isn't a neccessity and the next thing you know, BLAM, your furnace blows up.

I try to stay positive that at least I had the money to fix it. Would have rather gone to Cancun, but at least I am warm now. :)

11/30/2005 11:41:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

p.s. I got snow for you on my blog today!

11/30/2005 11:56:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: hey i have no beef with smokers or with occasional smokers but i am so NOT dating a guy who is smoking 75 MINIMUM cigarettes a day. that's just ridiculous.

smoking around kids is pretty nasty and pisses me off so i approve of your behavious. that said, they probably know you smoke so i hope you discuss it with them...

i loved smoking. i still love smoking. i still miss smoking. *sigh*

yay an i-egg! *Grin*

bubbles II: um noticed what? smooth what? so confused...

jenn: at least you can pay for the furnace. it would just be nice to actually get to buy shoes for a change. i mean hell i gave up cable for climbing... i'm not unreasonable!

that's how i feel about the car. i can't work without it.. so it needed a windshield and i wanted to wait a month *shrug* need beats want.


oh jenn! what a beautiful shot! thank you :)

12/01/2005 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

i loved smoking. i still love smoking. i still miss smoking. *sigh*

... you had me at "i loved smoking."


I wouldn't mind date a lady smoker ... could get my fix by kissing that sweetly smoky mouth ... LMAO

12/01/2005 05:17:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: hee

yeah there are two kinds of smokers... those who love it and those who hate it. all things considered i think it's easier being the second...


i don't think you'd like it really... you'd be too tempted to start again.

12/01/2005 08:04:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i never understood people who smoked in their car.....like seriously...that's gross (no offense to anyone who does it)

12/01/2005 09:02:00 AM  
Blogger castufari said...

Ever cleaned a desk of a smoker? I had to move one a few years ago, I was spraying 409 on something, it hit the desk and this yellow goop that loooked like old dried piss started crawling down the side. NASTY.

I had a coworker who used to complain about people smoking outside her office, said it stunk the place up. Lady, did you ever catch of wiff of yourself?

12/01/2005 09:11:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

castufari: what surprised me was what smoke does to the inside of comps ... it actually coats the metal of memory panels ... my old comp was fucked up and I brought it into the tech at work ... he used a pencil eraser to rub the shit off ... I was like ... well shit, that's why you're not supposed to smoke in front of your comp. LOL

12/01/2005 09:17:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Oh, no no no. Trust me Sass, Im not condoning 5 pack a day dude, or was it three... either way, bad bad bad.

I mean to say, I being a smoker would not date a heavy smoker. And though I know 5 cig a day habit is still smoking....

No way. Not even going there with somebody that smokes THAT much.

It's just... gross.

Umm, smooth? The blow off was great.

12/01/2005 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

I forget who it was, but someone said something about women's shoes being designed to match ONE outfit.

DAMN! is that ever true.
My ex used to tease me about my collection of shoes, until I started challenging him to find me a pair to go with outfits he wanted me to wear (for his family, or to be his "trophy" but that's a whole other story now innit?)

12/01/2005 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: i used to smoke in my car, in my bed, on my couch, on the porch... pretty much anywhere that didn't have a 'no smoking' sign. hell i remember smoking in the SUBWAY!

that doesn't make it any less gross :)

cast: soooo repulsive. so so so repulsive.

the lady was right, that doesn't make her personal body odour problem any easier to deal with!

dzer: so much ew. so much.

i never saw that on my auld pc but maybe because it was on the floor and smoke rises?

12/01/2005 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: oh i didn't think you were condoning, i was just re explaining my own position :)

THREE packs a day. *shakes head* like wow.

you smoke but 5 a day is more of an occasional treat than a habit. still a habit of course but not nearly so noxious as 75. i wonder if that makes it any easier to quit...

what blow off? there was blowing off? i blew someone and i don't remember?!? email me!

doll: that was me :)

hee when you challenged him did he see the light or did he still whip out the shoe collection whenever he wanted to make you feel bad about yourself?

and yeah, it's ridiculous!

12/01/2005 12:38:00 PM  
Blogger SonusExMachina said...

Hey Sass! I'm back...

Just jumping in on the smoking discussion:

Yesterday made six weeks smokeless! Woot!

12/01/2005 03:02:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey sonus you were missed!

also CONGRATUfuckingLATIONS!!!


12/01/2005 03:47:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

Smoke on the inside of PCs is NASTY. Gets on the fans, it's like frigging glue. Someone gave me one to rehab once that was a smoker's machine, I had to say "no way" despite needing the money. No glove was thick enough to protect me from that nasty mess!

12/01/2005 08:06:00 PM  
Blogger Daywalker said...

I don't mind girls that smoke occasionally - kind of sexy acctually. That and a couple of tattoos...peircing green eyes... jet black hair... shit! I'd Better start writing this down!

Where was I!?

Pot is a turn off for me (dating wise). I don't care if other people do it but it would bug me if the girl I was seeing did it... at least frequently or around me if anything.

Its just not my thing...

a girl that loves Yellow tail Shiraz is after my own heart! ;)


12/01/2005 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: you are entirely correct about the nastiness of leftover smoke. for me it's when it's on walls that it gets to me... but i've never seen it in a pc.

my old landlord just painted over the scum every few years. the walls were MESSED up.

daywalker: you know occasionally is fine... just not a lot... not daily... not around me except on occasional bar nights. you know the true social smoker. otherwise i couldn't handle it.

fair enough on the pot thing... we all have our not things :)

mmm wine
you wop you

*fond grin*

12/02/2005 12:10:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

I could for would go for some wine right now. I could have gone for some whine last night while my date blabbed all sort of crap while I was thinking I wanted to be in bed all warm an cozy.

I guess I could say the typical thing...you know...fish and the sea and how many of the former there are in the latter. But you already know that. But you also know the percentage of sharks out there...ready to snap you up in one bite.



12/02/2005 04:31:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

oh no nat! that sounds like a pretty bad date all things considered. was he at least easy on the eyes so it wasn't a total waste?

mmmm bed...
mmmmm warm and cozy

damn i'm exhausted and out i go to drink right now

so far i seem to find the sharks and the leeches. my ex husband was pretty good but we just weren't old enough for what we were doing and we fucked it all up...

wish i was as asexual as i've been known to claim i was.

12/02/2005 08:07:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

ROTFL... Amen to the asexuality... it would make things far easier, wouldn't it?


12/02/2005 08:53:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

oh man dude

i don't even have words.

12/03/2005 01:37:00 AM  
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