baby...

.
i'm so tired [two points if you can tell me what song the title AND the first three words are referring to without looking it up]

i hate that i seem to attract all the morning work. well hate is too strong a word because well i really like all of my morning clients and i certainly don't mind that my income is hitting levels which allow me to maybe get my car fixed in the same month as my cat gets a checkup.

speaking of check ups i can't remember the last time i went to the doctor. well i remember the last time i saw hot doctor but that's not the same thing at all. first of all he's not a general practitioner and secondly he doesn't do pap smears.

oh man what a weird mental image.

*washes out brain with soap*

[i wonder where my client is, she didn't seem like the late type although i don't mind if she bails]

anyway i did a deposit yesterday which was more than my monthly income has been for the past three years. and it's only maybe half or a little more of what i'll take home this month. that shit is trippy.

i can feel a weight that i've gotten very used to starting to lift from my shoulders. don't misunderstand, it's still there and will be until there's a cushion on my credit card but it's lost a few pounds.

and i feel sort of weird about it. like i've gotten so used to being 100 pounds heavier than i actually am that being only 80 pounds heavier feels a bit vertiginous. i'm swirling in the clouds or something.

[at this point my client arrived and it's now 6.5 hours later]

and then today i got another few pennies. so all in all that deposit yesterday is just over half my income for the month. damn. that shit is weird.

my head is going:
SHOES!
pay off vet
climbing shoes!!
toy bubbles wrote about recently!
pay off mechanic
new skirt that's actually not a decade old
SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new non ratty mascara
pay off credit card
oil pan!
SHOES!!!!
road trips!
more sushi in restaurants
climbing shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
winter jacket!
hockey and concert tickets
buying pot in slightly larger quantities
new CDs
SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from this you may discern that i fucking love shoes. i think it's actually a fat girl thing. the only thing that fits me no matter what i weigh is shoes and scarves. and i just love those sexy little tiny sneakers that have almost no sole to them. which i think is a pilates teacher thing AND a climber thing. [and maybe a really fucking tall woman thing]

i like to be able to feel the ground under my feet. I like my feet to decide on their arch and not my shoes. comes of having healthy feet again probably.

[damm james blunt rocks, thanks castu! CDs finally showed up, picked em up yesterday. turns out they got here nov 2 and i got the notice nov 14... fucking post office]

so yeah... there's a spring in my step that's been gone for a long time and this strange swirling feeling in my stomach that i think may be relief or something. the odd thing here is that i'm actually having a very weird time with this. everything i want in the universe is landing in my plate and i'm just sort of freaking out a little because oh my god... my life is here! it's right here in front of me and i just need to reach out with both hands and snag it.

that's harder than it seems.

i've been courting failure for a long time. in fact i've been sabotaging my own success for nearly that long and I can sort of feel it happening a little here. there's this moment when my alarm goes off in the morning where i think 'oh i can just sleep in a BIT more' and you know what? i can't.

even better? i'm not doing it. i'm actually dragging my ass out of bed and teaching anyway. this being a responsible human thing is freaking weird.

so peace my friends and may the universe hand you everything you deserve :)