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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

my name is sassinak and i am a crushoholic

[started earlier when sober and proofread now]
.
so i'm waiting for hubris who was due half an hour ago AND whose phone is ringing busy. this sucks because i'm fucking starving and we're supposed to have dinner. at what point does it become rude for me to go out and eat?

i know i say this a lot but seriously, the quality of comment i get on my blog blows me away. blows me away. i can't believe how thoughtful and insightful and creative and funny y'all are. and that you choose to share that here?

don't ever think I don't appreciate it!

so i have another humdinger for y'all. No wait, *I* think it's a humdinger which may mean that noone but me gives a shit and may mean that 100 new folks will come out of the woodwork to comment *grin*

[fuck i'm HUNGRY!]

several of my friends are currently recovering from smushed hearts... and most of them are doing okay at this point but it's been a helluva few months around here. it's funny because all of these smushings were due or overdue and in some cases the smushee may have been the half of the couple that *isn't* my friend.

this past year i myself have been in recovery from about three crushes and a best friend split. currently i'm investigating crush possibility number four but i'm not holding out a lot of hope on the viability of this one. not enough questions about *me* when we talk if that makes any sense.

i mean doesn't he know that he at least has to display a modicum of interest for me to get all ridiculous and crushy about him? hasn't he been told?

i have noticed that some things are universal. people definetely get a little miserable and testy just before, during and immediately after a split. drinking and other intoxicant consumption increases. tendency to stare at walls and be miserable triples and the ease of sharing space with them diminishes.

i think that when people are miserable they tend to be a little bit like emotional vampires. i mean i know that *I* sure am!

i don't think that they mean to and i certainly don't begrudge the friends that have been going through such things their focus on their own misery. when you're in hell it sort of tends to be all consuming.

hrm... same thing with love actually.

i guess beginnings and endings are like love and hate... flip sides of the same coin.

so when i'm in recovery or miserable i tend to do things like:
. hide all photographic evidence
. eat
. return all stuff i'm not keeping as a souvenir
. drink
. if they have a blog i stop reading it
. avoid them
. eat
. hang out with my friends and commisserate
. smoke pot
. drink
. watch tv
. look maudlin
. eat
. write in my blog (since i got one anyway)
. take them out of lists
. drink
. did i mention drink?

what are your personal recovery tricks after you've had your hearts stomped? Okay maybe not even when you got stomped... maybe even when you did the dumping... or when you just have/had a crush you want/need to get over... or when you just drifted away after years together... or... or... whatever you get the idea.

i'm even interested in how you recover if/when you split up with your best friend and stop hanging out. [no i don't mean sex partner i mean best pal]

but what do you do after that list(or during that if you aren't me)? when you've tried all of your regular coping mechanisms and you're if anything MORE miserable?

[stop it i'm not talking about my own mood or anyone you know... okay well parts of this post apply to my current mental status but not necessarily the bits you're worrying about... but i heart you for worrying!]

i know that time heals all wounds... and i know that pot heals the rest. but the truth is that i have a couple of former flames that *still* haunt me. and it's not usually the ones where we had an actual relationship because i can sort of look at them and go 'ah yeah... that's why we split up' it's more the near misses or the false starts or the starts that went sideways. okay those last two are the same thing.

anyway... i can't be the only one here with lingering stuff... what do you do to keep it out of your life? and still wanting to know what you do when the wounds are fresher as well

:)

40 Comments:

Blogger DZER said...

don't get me started on lingering stuff ... *sigh*

so ... did hubris ever show? didja eat by yerself? where did ya'll go? what kind of food?

anyway, my "miserable phase" consists mostly of sleeping a lot, watching sappy romantic comedies so I can yell things like "bullshit!" and "no fucking way!" at the screen. It USED to mean jacking up my smoking rate from 2 packs a day to more than 3 packs a day. I also withdraw (even more so) from friends, family and social interaction in general.

bleah.

11/09/2005 02:12:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

yeah the 'i wonders' will kill ya

yeah he did.. hence the 4 hours between writing and posting (well and a little tweaking) ... we had pasta then we went for beer with othercat and i had a salad...

oh nice! i forgot about sappy movies that make you cry/yell at the screen!

and i used to smoke more smokes too when i smoked...

11/09/2005 06:17:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

well, I'm going to a ramen house tomorrow ... give you a little advance warning so you might be able to make it ;)

11/09/2005 09:05:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

mmm ramen...

i'm too poor to eat out much for another month or two... old bills yaknow?

11/09/2005 09:37:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

you find a way to get to Guam, and lunch is on me! LOL

11/09/2005 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Well, interesting you should post this Sass... I'm secretly wondering if I have been added to the smushed hearts list.

I think so, if not then you should.

My recovery tactics are the same as yours in many ways. If I were to jot my list down, and then hold it to yours... they would be seriously comparable!

I have been drinking every night thus far this week... and will continue to until I get over uhhhh someone.

fuck. Let me think on this before I shoot myself in the foot and get back to ya!

11/09/2005 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Hrmm..... The last time my heart got utterly smushed I stopped eating, spent most of my day focusing on breath control, and fooling the world into thinking that I was still funtioning. Then I suddenly moved to a different region. While there, I decided that talking to people was overrated, sand was overrated, and to much sunshine makes people stoopid. Oh incidentlly, I eventually had to start eating again.

But thats pretty much status-quo for me in any break up whether my heart is smushed or not. The R.H. song How to Disappear Completely comes to mind.

11/09/2005 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger gigi said...

Recover? Who they hell recovers?

11/09/2005 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: deal

bubbles: *passes chocolate*
*passes bowl*
*passes tequila*

lsd: you stop eating? i start eating uncontrollably... which sucks either way but at least you don't end up fat at the end of it.

dude if the region you speak of is the one i think it is i don't think it's possible to move there and NOT decide sun and sand are overrated. hell teresa naomi lives in cali and is dying for some snow.

i don't know that song...

gigi: oh damn dude you've nailed it...

hey bubbles, pass gigi the chocolate when you're done with it!

11/09/2005 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

I stop eating too..

you mention false starts and what ifs. THOSE are the ones that plague me for AAAAAGES! Crap, man.

oddly, you posted this on the day that I heard from a recent ex (and completely an example of false start) for the first time in almost a month. He was gushing about his new girlfrined on LJ. Completely fair, considering the gushing I've been doing in the same forum, but damn did it throw my mood off for a few hours.

THAT was a shock.
luckily for me, I'm waaay better off now, anyway and managed to find that reminder. ;)

11/09/2005 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

you know I'm gonna have to do the 'hundred' after eating this much.

Sucks!

11/09/2005 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger lividviv said...

he means radiohead. it's a GREAT song. really sounds like its title.

you haven't called me, you withholding wench. but then, i haven't been home to be called. I had the STUPIDEST day yesterday (complete with: road-blocks, rude swimmers, over-crowded yoga class etc) and got home after 10, when bedtime, now that I am full time, is 11 for waking at (NOOOOOOO) 6:50 am. Tonight Julia is calling. But will you be home and maybe I can find time? Liam said you AREN"T COMING TOMORROW so why the hell should I BOTHER???

DZER and SASS: DZER, You are such a nice person (and you are too, Sass, but you knew I thought that). I disappeared because I have no blogging in me, but I read the blogs. I love the blogs. I just don't comment much because by the time I have figured out my opinion, Sass has already written two or three more posts! Takes me a while to think.

When my heart gets smushed I react like LSAD. No food, no reason to live, and, eventually, plans for escape. Many places seem to encourage me to lie down and collapse: these include sidewalks and roads. I fantasize that trucks are deliberately trying to run me down. Everything is unsafe and pointless. But then, maybe that's why I've had four different mental illness diagnoses in one year.... Who wudda thunk. Those nitwits mighta had a point.

11/09/2005 12:37:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

doll: i only stop eating when stress reaches seriously uncontrollable levels in my life... and then i won't eat for ages. funny thing is that breakups or personal misery of that sort don't do that to me... they send me for the haagen daas (well baskin robbins now but you get the idea...)

oh man the what ifs are the fucking worst... because you don't know why it wouldn't work, just that it never got a chance to try.. and then you're all 'hmm maybe it woulda ...' or whatever.

i like the timing of that mightydoll... and you're right, you are WAY better off now *grin*


gigi: i didn't know you did pilates...


livid one: last night i was out with hubris, monday night i was climbing and tonight i'm supposed to climb but i might bail due to sore neck stuff... so calling you is difficult with your new sucky schedule.

no band practise... CPR recert tragically.

i'm sad you had the stupidest day ... sad. i think i'll be home by nine... climbing is feeling unlikely.

dude i know why you disappeared but it doesn't mean i don't miss your blog... also with my recent comments thingie you can comment whenever and i'll still see it.

you're right you do stop eating... i'm glad that so far you have chosen not to lie down and collapse but i can FULLY sympathise with the tendency. i shouldn't be allowed to drive...

11/09/2005 12:46:00 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

sass-I'm a ballerina from way back! I was 'doing' Pilates before it was cool!

11/09/2005 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gigi i never even HEARD of pilates before it was cool but i certainly wish i had. i was a swimmer and it would have made a HUGE difference to my speed if i knew then what i know now...

11/09/2005 12:55:00 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

I teach 'fitness' classes cardio stuff but I tell all my students that my body is by Pilates!

11/09/2005 12:57:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Livid- Yes, I crumble like the old ruins of a lost civilization. If I eat, its only out of habbit. Sometimes getting to the sidewalk for a proper collapsing is just to daunting of a task. Sorry to say that I am glad I can relate to someone on this. I wouldn't wish these sorts of feelings on anyone.

11/09/2005 01:48:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

Sass says,

"i guess beginnings and endings are like love and hate... flip sides of the same coin."

This is way beyond profound to me and so true.

It's hard for me to comment on this topic. I'm an old married woman with completely different problems. I do remember the stuggles of crushing. I still linger on the thought of an old flame. I was with him off an on for 4 years. Still wonder "what if".

I wish I had something earth shattering to add to these great comments but I don't. I just know that that stupid saying about "when you least expect it" is true. Just when you give up thinking you will ever live with someone other than your cat, BLAM! There he is!

11/09/2005 01:58:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

I usually:
1) drink more
2) eat more OR eat less, there is no eating normally. one day I'll stuff my face like it's my last meal, the next day I'll skip food all together.
3) take chances that I'd normally not take
4) write hateful letters and stash them
5) be a moody asshole

That's not in order, but you get the gist of it.

Sometimes I wonder if it doesn't work better just to avoid the old flames for good, then other times it's like...gee...we still get along ok and we are good enough friends, no use destroying that part of it.

11/09/2005 02:47:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gigi: i want a shirt that says on the front 'body by pilates' and on the back 'curves by ber and ice cream' :)

lsd: i think everyone can relate they just have different ways of coping. though i do know folks that seem not to be affected as deeply by such things.... i suspect that they won't comment on this post though :)

jenn: yeah i read that after i wrote it and was sort of amazed at myself. i think the what if thing happens forever and ever.... it just gets less bittersweet after a time maybe? i'm sure i'll date again someday... it's just all about learning patience.

cast: yeah you're right, i eat that way myself... and i tend to write in my journal for hours and hours... or stare at the cieling for even more hours :)

yeah sometimes i wonder the same thing... and i still don't know the answer

11/09/2005 02:55:00 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

Ass by chocolate & vodka? That's my next tatoo!

11/09/2005 03:56:00 PM  
Blogger grainne said...

I am a packrat…there you have it. My confession – while romance scares the living hell out of me, when it corners me, I tend to really enjoy romance and all the sappy things that come along with it. I have old hat boxes stacked in the back of my closets filled with cards, ticket stubs, programs, matchbooks …all neatly organized. I even have a press for pressing flowers – there is one flower from each bouquet I have been given over the last 20 years. I just can’t throw those things away…no matter how hard I try. They are reminders of the past, people I loved or cared about or even worse…still care about.

I did get rid of an entire bedroom set – we went shopping before he divorced his wife and bought a cali-king. Now a bed that size is nothing more than a sexual playground in my eyes as I curl up around a pillow, sleep and wake up in the same position. So when his divorce went up in smoke…sleeping in that sexual playground was unbearable. 4 months of being pregnant and sleeping on the sofa sent me scurrying to the nearest place to get a new bed. When things go south in a relationship – I stop eating, write insane things in my journal, isolate myself from just about everyone that I can….indulge in self pity and have numerous good long crying jags. When I get to the point that I can’t even stand myself…things almost always start to look up. Just remember, loving yourself comes first…someone lucky enough to have you care about them…is going to be quite fortunate. Remember….there are always cats ~wink~ I have 4 and fear becoming an old bonkers cat woman someday.

11/09/2005 06:03:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

grainne: yer not ALREADY a crazy cat lady? LOL

*pinch*

sass: I love your blog for the variety and depth of the discourse; you and it rocks!

11/09/2005 06:30:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

gigi: i meant BEER and ice cream... geeze.

i really have to make that shirt

grainne: i have a lot of that myself. i have old letters and cards and photos and ticket stubs... but not so organized as you and i've stopped saving programs because they're too bulky and match books because they're a fire hazard (snip the tips)

what's funny is that all of us seem to be saying that it isn't the ones we got to actually try out for real that haunt us, it's the ones that we just missed or came near or whatever... those are the ones that cause the what ifs...

okay *I* HATE sleeping on a bed with a man that he had a relationship with a woman on. i mean some casual sex or a short term thing fine but when it lasted years it just feels kinda icky. so i totally totally sympathise with you chucking the bed.

i'd like to be pregnant in the next year or so...

i'm either totally isolating myself or desperate for company and that is subject to change at ridiculous intervals.

so far the people i care for deeply don't tend to care that way in return... it's hard to trust again.

dzer: hee

thanks dzer, i'm having a GREAT time with it and y'all!

11/09/2005 06:43:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

ahhhhhhh....yes...the "crush"....

i'm 23 years old and i've never had a crush on anyone....how's that for emotionally unavailable.

never been in love either...so.....i guess, in all sincerity, i've never really had a broken heart so much as a broken ego and self image as a result of how things played out.....

how to keep things out of the life..uhhh, just stop giving a shit? easier said than done, i know..but hey, being a perpetual nomad has given me this uncanny ability to just not get attached, or unattach easily.

oh..and i sublimate with alcohol, stop eating, watch cheesy chick fliks that make me sob...oh..and burn photo's. something really nice when you burn a photo of the assmonger who scorned you.

11/09/2005 07:32:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

Sass~I'll get right on the t-shirt thing. I can do that in the sign shop.

11/09/2005 07:39:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

buttah: you've never fallen for anyone in any sort of deep way?

i was about to say that that sucks but then when i started thinking back over my 20s i realised that the first time i really got emotionally connected with someone was when i was 25 or 26. I had relationships before that but always the kind where you wondered deep inside if you actually gave any kind of a shit.

i agree with what you say about nomadic lifestyle. i've upped and moved repeatedly which has given me the knowledge that i can make a new life anywhere and thus the confidence to chuck a life that isn't working for me.

yea on teh booze and the cheesy flicks... hrm photo burning... don't know if i can bear that... maybe only if i have the negs.

jenn: could you really? because oh my god that logo on a girly t that happened to be all tight would ROCK! (and gigi wants one too) if you mean it let me know and we can talk turkey and shirt sizes and stuff *grin*

11/09/2005 08:53:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Grainne reminded me that I used to keep all of the love notes, drawings, and romantic keepsakes in one place. I had forgotten, but one night some time ago, I reread all of them. From first grade on. I then used a paper shredder to dispose of them. It was nice to see them all again and to know that I had affected the world of others enough to to compel them to put pen to paper. It was also liberating to rid myself of them. I do this from time to time with old paintings as well.

11/09/2005 10:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i still have a lot of things... i've weeded and sorted over the years and will continue to do so. now seriously

YOU

SHREDDED??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!

paintings?

*look of shock and horrified awe*

just so you know if you do that to hide i reserve the right to injure you. but seriously why shred art?

my sister is like this as well, she sees things she did in high school and she wants me to take them down because they aren't who she is now.

but they're part of that aren't they?

love notes, scribbles, whatnot? sure shred. but art?

11/09/2005 10:47:00 PM  
Blogger Primate Buddy said...

Well got-damn I've only been waiting for this question for about a hundred years.

I've always said I was never better at shit than when I was broken up with, and it's true. For whatever reason, whenever a girl broke up with me I threw myself into some sort of time sink and came out smarter, better, faster...like the Bionic fucking Man.

Mostly though, the reason was because I wanted to impress upon her that she is losing *this* for some skinny assed, no talent, white bread and thick-ass beef patty home burger eatin' piece a shit. Usually I came across as pushy and pompous and thus, found myself along with my talent vis-a-vis the wrong side of a door. So, I'd throw myself into music, art, computers. Mainly the music though.

Then there were the clothes. Now, before I go into all this, you've gotta realize that the last time I was dumped was 1989. Just...keep that in mind.

So, I would buy clothes. Skinny, tapered leg Levi's 512 Silvertab size 33 black jeans, rayon or silk dress shirts in colors that I could see well enough to match (usually grey or black), and black boots. Note that, with 512 Silvertabs, you cannot fit a boot under the leg. And the boots were not the Dr. Marten's steel cap toe like I wear now (when not limping along with my cane) but some of the loveliest ankle-high girl boots a guy can wear.

Originally I could not fit into such clothes because I was too fat. So, the second part of the post breakup self-improvement program took effect...not eating. Not eating had a twofold purpose. I've never done any illegal drugs, so smoking crack was out, and I didn't smoke then. Starving provided me with the self destruction so necessary to improving myself, and it also allowed me to fit into that lovely outfit. There was one snag with the starving, I worked at Subway.

Eventually I grew out my hair, painted my nails black, played guitar in a terrible band. I threw myself into the guitar, and I was quite good, but not good enough to make up for the rest of the band members, save one.

That's where I met Mrs. Buddy...apple of my eye, light of my life, fruity topping on my Cracker Barrel homestyle french toast. She and I were the most talented members of the band. Boy, she can sing, play guitar and write some words! I can play the guitar. She wore black tights and black jean shorts, big black sweaters and had long, blonde, naturally curly hair that smelled like vanilla. You know we were gonna hook up.

So, in the end, to combat heartbreak depression I became depressed. To brighten my day I became a man in black, and to look attractive I dressed like some of my lesbian friends. Hey, it worked.

11/09/2005 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

buddy: dude thank you and welcome to idle mind.

that was a fantastic comment and i don't have a single thing to add. in fact i'm tempted to post it as a guest blog entry :)

i can agree with you that every damaging or affecting or bad breakup I've had has made me a fuller person somehow.

i think that that instinct to show your feathers around the new bird is totally natural and comes from our deep hind brains. it's like if you can prove that your feathers are brighter than that other bird over there then maybe your ex bird will want you back. funny that that just drives them away more.

*lmao* okay you get the 1989 pass dude but JUST THIS ONCE!

*laughs hysterically* [cane?]

yeah with the food i'm a castufari... eat like a horse for a day or two and then not at all and yeah... i gain weight overall when really upset ... chocolate and ice cream!

i'm delighted that you and mrs. buddy hooked up as a result of your misery... thanks so much for sharing the story it's a great story...

i don't know if dressing like the gay men i know would help...?

11/10/2005 12:22:00 AM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

affirmation:
i am witty
i am insightful
i am sober

ok enough of that.. if you are hungry and you have waited like say an hour.. go eat.. dayummmmmm bring them back something in a to go box ... leave a note on the door!

and a song comes to mind.. (cant remember the whole thing just one line)
"im not a player i just crush a lot"...

oh and thanks for commenting on the commentors ... that was really cool of you!

i thin it was your use of the word "humdinger" that kept them glued! :D

11/10/2005 02:46:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

punk: okay you're right... an hour it is. unless i'm at the restaurant in which case i'm ordering apps!

you are welcome for my comments re the commentors... you guys fucking rock this place all i do is toss the seeds :)

humdinger! hee
such fun to say

*takes ass to bed... has last hit... passes bowl*

11/10/2005 03:06:00 AM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

*puffin*... (had my own...)

HUMDINGGERRRRRRR!!!
sass... i may have an idea for a blog post one day... we all post ONE WORD... and then the comments take over... LOL

seems we derail at some point most of the time anyway ...

~~huggles~~

11/10/2005 03:38:00 AM  
Blogger whitesgem said...

Sass, you are such a kind, generous person! I wonder sometimes if you might live in a strange place like I do, where people just dont behave like they should.....
You deserve great things! And I am certain that you will find them one day.
Unfortunately, many people on this planet arent very pleasant....
Its not you! Its them....
I am proud to have you as my friend!

11/10/2005 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Blondie said...

Oy, the thinking!

OK, short list...

-eat
-workout
-sing
-write
-workout
-drink
-eat
-shop for shoes (no, seriously)
-drink
-eat

Yeah, I'm sure this has nothing to do with the current comments, but I thought I'd add my piece!

11/10/2005 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

punk: i never woulda guessed :)

i think that sounds like a hilarious post but i'm not sure i could manage it... my posts seem to get long in spite of myself!


whitesgem: i don't think i live somewhere particularly strange i think i just have one of those lives that doesn't particularly lead to meeting new people.

*shrug* or i'm clueless about human behaviour... which i'm starting to believe since i was wrong about the last several men that i thought might dig me.

but thanks for the encouragement!


blondie: i forgot a couple too
listen to and sing along with the same maudlin song over and over
work out
work out
eat
long drives
:)

i like your piece, add away!

11/10/2005 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger SonusExMachina said...

To recover from dumping, depression, heartbreak and heartsmushing, I usually:

- Drink myself stupid or until it stops hurting.
- Wake up with a headache and go to work.
- Lose myself in work for 8-16 hours.
- Play with the cat when I get home.
- Read some escapist fantasy (J.R.R. Tolkien or Phillip Pullman or J.K. Rowling)
- Eat some Ben & Jerry's.
- Take a lengthy moonlit solo urban assault ride on the mountain bike.

Repeat the above as necessary (in variations and in any order)

(This list also used to include lots of cigarette smoking...)

Sadly, I think my heart may be in a permanent state of smush-ed-ness. It's been a long time since I wasn't... smushed.

11/10/2005 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

awww sonus dude that stinks. i was like that for about a year and a half after t and i split up. some splits take a long time.

i can tell i'm starting to feel better when i start to get inappropriate crushes. i can tell i AM better when i start being interested in people i a) actually want and b) COULD have :)

i'm glad you chucked the smokes

next time you need escapist fantasy let me know and i'll hook you up with some new authors :)

11/14/2005 11:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool guestbook, interesting information... Keep it UP
» » »

11/25/2006 05:18:00 PM  

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