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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Friday, March 10, 2006

parental guidance advised...

.

warning: the following may be offensive to some:
.

what? i warned you.
.

dear my sex drive;

yes you, i'm talking to you. hey stop that!

i'm pissed at you. yes that's right, actually pissed. full on rage even.

there i was happily existing in my sex object free life and there you were happily on vacation. we were happy.... there were margaritas for you and i was living my little life without interruption from you.

and then.

you fucker. something got you to twitch and instead of the lazy ass you usually are where you just sorta grumble to yourself and go back to sleep?

oh no. not you. you had to wake up and go

"HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"OVER HEEEEEEEEEEEE-URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!"

and you weren't happy with just a little drive by visit. oh no, you felt the need to like take up residence or something and leave me walking around in a state of high uh... excitement for days.

what the fuck was that about?

first of all allow me to point out that spring isn't due for another month so it wasn't really time for you to make your annual pilgrimmage back from jamaica. in fact i have you scheduled to be away for another 8 weeks at least.

but no.

you had to go and get bored with the biker and come back early. fucking figures.

do you have any idea how distracting you are? there i am, sitting with pile, waiting for the nice lady to come and show us an apartment and you're all

*twitch*

"psst.... yeah that's right, i'm still here"

"no i'm not leaving what do i look like stale fish? you girlie are stuck with me for the duration"

i just don't understand what you're doing here. it's not like you've seen anything cross my path lately that you've liked. i mean i know you read that thing that got you all awake but that couldn't have been enough by itself could it?

can't you just go to florida for a while?

please?

look i'll even lend you the car?

i'm just not sure that you're grokking how frustrating it is to have you around right now. i mean it's certainly not like i need you here reminding me how long it's been because yeah, i remember.

i don't need you reminding me that noone has wanted to boink me for years. three to be specific.

and i certainly don't need you running around making me twitchy when i'm trying to teach. look you're allowed to visit when our hot client is around okay?

come on that's a good deal isn't it? you can get all hot and bothered over him and then transport yourself back to sunny climes?

take a cruise maybe?

come on the idea of you off having a good time while i live my quiet little life is sort of appealing. besides you're making apartment hunting really hard.

and don't give me that bullshit that you're here to cheer me up either because i am here to tell you that no. it doesn't work that way. you show up all itchy and hot and want things and just remind me that they aren't actually there.

and you know? i was getting to making some peace with that.

i was even getting to the place where not being able to afford to have a kid in time to actually have a kid was sort of okay. i don't mean i was like excited or "oh yay i get to be alone and childless yay" or anything but i was making peace.

i was getting over it.

so i'm alone i was telling myself. so no one interesting actually wants me and that's okay. i'm sure this sex thing is overrated after all. i mean i think i recall it being kind of overrated...

isn't it?

look sex drive i know you're disappointed okay? you sort of got a dud to live inside. i know you didn't think you were going to end up living in a celibate but if it's any consolation i didn't think i would BE a celibate so doesn't that make us even?

can't you just sort of quietly fold yourself up and like go back where you came from?

stop torturing me?

stop demanding things that i am powerless to give you?

and no, i can't just go pick up some hottie in a bar and boink it. you know damm well we have a sexually transmitted disease and responsibility dictates that we actually TELL people that before we boink them. remember?

you know the old drunken bar conversation that goes like this:
"hey hottie wanna fuck"
"uh i have an st... hey where you going?"

you remember that right?

okay i know we've never actually had that conversation but you get what i'm saying right? come on don't you?

*sigh*

fucking thing never listens.

please please please go back to jamaica? be all warm and sunny and margaritaville living? please? go away and leave me alone?

stop reminding me that there are things to want that seem impossible for me?

damm you i did all the things you're supposed to do. i went and got my sanity back. i went and got my body back. i started wearing mascara. i started wearing tight jeans and actually letting the hot boys catch me looking. i put myself on the fucking online personals with a pretty good profile even. i didn't say no to anyone who asked me out.

come on i can't help it that no one is asking! i can't. i don't know what else i can do to satisfy you so please, for the love of me and all that's holy would you just fuck off?

please?

i can't take it i just can't.... and frankly after the first two days my index finger gets exceedingly old.

pretty please?

-sass

42 Comments:

Blogger Hubris said...

Well dude, I don't know if it actually helps but I do know that no one can touch me quite like I can.

That said, someone else doing the touching does make it far more exciting and um... fulfilling?

*sigh* best of luck. Sucks to see you so frustrated.

HH

3/10/2006 12:12:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3/10/2006 12:12:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Damn girl, I think spring has sprung regardless of the weather!

Hey, nice to see you in those pictures...if I were single I'd be on a plane out there to see if maybe we could...ya know. ;) Uncle Matt thinks you're adorable.

Downloading vacation pictures now - coupla nice back type ones I'll post for ya.

Back to adjusting to the real world... :(

3/10/2006 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

OH SASS! I know it's insensitive to laugh.. and it's NOT funny for you.

But, If I could describe a normal day in my life and how my body feels regardless of the weather and whatnot!

You would have just nailed it.

That twitch, is it in the same place I get it?

I truly love this post. I really really do! You have my sympathy and if there is anything I can do from here, you know I will!!!

I feel so powerless!!!!

3/10/2006 12:55:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

AWWWWWW. I so totally feel you. Really. It was funny in that Sass's blog kind of way but I know when your sex drive and your life are just not compatible. EESH!

I am sending good vibes your way, dollface.

-N

3/10/2006 01:49:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hubris: it's true, no one can tease me the way i can tease me. and still i'm bored off my ass with the touch of my own fingers. don't even care. basically only (hi bubbles) rub one off when i just can't bear it anymore.

i'm just really tired of being alone in my bed and wishing to hell i had a) fewer scruples or b) someone i really liked and yet didn't feel the need to date that i could boink

thanks for the luck dude.


matt: you are so right. spring is hitting my ass with a vengeance.

uncle matt in case you're wondering? auntie sass says the feeling is mutual.

ohhh back pictures, that's right, i owe you some of those. i did post sexy tight clothing pics so i'm thinking that gets me off the hook for a day or two.

welcome home, sorry you're having a hard time adjusting!

3/10/2006 03:16:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles oh my god laugh please! the whole reason i wrote the post that way is because it's so sublimely ridiculous!

you feel like this every day? all year? oh honey *hugs* that's brutal.

if it's where you suggested that i might twitch in your comments recently? then yes.

*I* feel so powerless! I so totally know how you feel. at least you have some people to boink so you don't have to get as bored with your own hand as i am?

i hope?


nat: i wrote it to be funny but that doesn't make it fun :)

because let's face it, a letter to my sex drive? that's just inherently funny!

that said, it's really no fun when your body and your brain get in a fight :)

hee she said dollface!

good vibes right back babe!

3/10/2006 03:19:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

man, i HATE when that happens!!

see, you ARE channeling some of us....

here's to more "good times" for all of us here in sass-land...

3/10/2006 05:05:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: oh man you too?

are your prospects at least a little less dismal then mine?

hee 'good times' yeah... why don't we send our sex drives to jamaica together? :)

3/10/2006 05:37:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

umm...prospects? ummm... no. i would say there are exactly NONE.

okay, i did have a brief break from the dry spell a coupla weeks ago, but that's...well... that's... a very complicated and baffling situation that's dragged on (and off) for too long. it's a dead-end thing.

jamaica sounds lovely. i'm a big fan of hawaii, too. plus, all those yummy fruity cocktails!

3/10/2006 10:45:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

hmmm ... switch fingers? LOL

hope you find someway to alleviate the issue ...

my problem is a bit opposite ... totally ready to snog and shag any loose and easy woman that comes my way ... but not having the option from their end LOL

3/11/2006 04:40:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

oh sass, you kill me you really do!!
go get yourself a bunch of new toys, fingers are too precious a commodity....

3/11/2006 05:53:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Sass - This is a lot of the truth honey! Yeah, I wake up needing, go through the day needing... go to bed needing.

I love it when the doctors (who know about my hypersexuality) tell me not to have intercourse for a certain period of time.... Because it then just compounds and I go into my check ups lying!
"did you?"
"no" *smirk*
"You did Emma, didn't you?"
"NO" *giggle*
"You know you're not supposed to"
*blank stare*

"I know..." *laughter*

K, did you ever tell me your birthday? I'm thinking maybe an 'egg' for easter is what you need.

I have much love for you Sass!

3/11/2006 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: oh damn dude that's so no fun at all. i at least have a little back burner simmering happening. of course that means shit in the long run.

you had a break... and you didn't tell us all about it? did i miss the post?

dead end sucks especially if your heart gets caught up in it.

i've never been to either place but i'm game anytime i have a little cash.


dzer: oh dude i'm bored of ALL my fingers.

i could shop for toys but i need shoes, car parts and rent more.

yeah we're at opposite ends of the same stick. good luck with your search for a wild and loose woman...


deb: i keeeel you? excellent!

i can't afford toys, too many things i 'need' to live first...


bubbles: damm dude. damm. that sounds brutal.

why on earth would they tell you not to have sex? they know you won't. it seems only relevant if they're testing for something....

august 12 if you're wondering :)

you're going to spoil me bubbles :)

*huggles* the feeling is mutual babe, hope you're having a fantastic weekend!

3/11/2006 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger castufari said...

Spring is in the air. You could draw little faces on your fingers and pretend they're different people. :D

3/11/2006 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: *lmao*

3/11/2006 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

okay, i'm laughing at cast's suggestion as well...

and no, you didn't miss a post about the break in the dry spell. i didn't blog about it. he's a subject i will not write about, because i think he reads my blog. not sure.
plus the whole thing is supposed to be clandestine. as i said... complicated.

and it DID suck when my heart was involved, but it's not now.

it would be nice to have a real prospect...but it's been ages since i've met anyone interesting. *sigh....

3/11/2006 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

I try to humor. :D

castufari.blogspot is back when the server is working. FNG must be working there now. :P

3/11/2006 12:46:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: yeah it's sorta excellent :)

ah-ha! now i have to email you or something to get details :)

i'm glad your heart is free, it sucks when it isn't yours and it's not treasured...

real prospect *snerk*


cast: and it often works...

wait there's fng gossip? :)

3/11/2006 02:08:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

Yeah, there is FNG gossip. I blogged it at castufari. In a nutshell he dropped his legal action. I had sent him a "dude, this is a stupid idea...you're making no friends with the other admins that you're naming in your action...". Maybe he realized it.

Never crap on your own plate.

3/11/2006 05:37:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

Hi sass - Per your parental advisory I called my mom and asked her to preview your post and tell me if it is ok for me to read or not. I'll try to post a real comment later if she gives me the go-ahead.

Keeping my fingers crossed until then...

3/11/2006 06:07:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: but i thought castufari was a tech blog and you weren't talking about work there. i haven't been checking it cause of that... but i will :) (on dialup right now so maybe tomorrow :)

i'm glad he dropped it, it seemed unwise to me...

what if you like the taste of crap?


john: *lmao* let me know what your mom thinks of it :)

my mom thought it was hilarious :)

3/11/2006 06:29:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

your mom is too cool.

as for my details... sheeeit, i wouldn't even know where to start!

life's weird, that's for damn sure.

3/11/2006 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry you should hear some of her utterances... she's pretty evolved.

heh, at the beginning?

dude 'truth is stranger than fiction' is a cliche for a reason

3/11/2006 11:11:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

perhaps your mom needs to start blogging. and she could start by telling us all those embarassing stories about sass as a youngster.

wouldn't that be fun???

3/11/2006 11:31:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

yeah for you :P

i'm not sure i have much i'm embarassed about. the other kids might be embarassed at the abuse they heaped on my but *shrug* i didn't do much.

i did some lying and some stealing and some rebelling, pretty typical ...

hmmm...

i'll have to ask her :)

my mom has a lot of interesting things to say, i bet she'd do a great blog.

3/12/2006 12:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey man are you sure you're not just ovulating? Makes me crazy for about 5 days each month.

And it's too bad about wanking being unsatisfactory. If it's the touch of another human you miss, fine, but if it's only about getting off... I'm all for the self-love.

--PV

3/12/2006 01:06:00 AM  
Anonymous john's mom said...

Hey, what's going on in here? Sex?! Weed?! Masturbation?! Johnny, who are these people you hang out with on the internet?! You're coming with me right now, young man! And don't you dare roll your eyes at me...

*grabs john by ear and drags him away*

3/12/2006 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

PV: the ovulating was the week before when i couldn't stop eating food that's bad for me. this was the pre menstruation hormones (i thought) but since that hasn't hit i think it really is my hormones visiting...

bastards.

i don't mind the self love dude i'm just bored off my ass with my own touch. there's been no surprises for years now... :)

3/12/2006 11:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get the lack of surprise... unfortunately, the surprise that men give me is usually extremely disappointing. Surprise! You're not getting off! Finish yourself off!

--PV

3/12/2006 01:11:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

PV: *snicker*

i totally know the feelng, and yet still i'd rather be surprised...

course tr was a master at cunnilingus, i was kinda spoiled...

3/12/2006 01:23:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

Awww, I don't like that you had to write such a letter.

You know the first couple of weeks after a relationship ends and there's nothing going on? And you're ok for like a few weeks and then you start having the withdrawal pangs and then after a while you're ok and you can go for months... but when it comes back, it comes back with a vengeance and it's so ANNOYING.

But don't question yourself or have any regrets about being ethical because that is why you're a truly gorgeous person.

3/12/2006 10:33:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey JM

hope you're having a fantastic day.

i didn't really want to write that letter either but i was feeling irritated and hot and bothered so i whined about it. i just tried to make it funny too.

and yeah i know that first couple of weeks. the pangs suck but yeah it's the boomerang ones way later that are the worst...

i'm proud of being moral and ethical and respecting myself but i tell ya i can't say i'd say no if some random guy offered me a toss...

3/13/2006 12:34:00 AM  
Blogger beaus said...

First off Sass, I feel for ya girl. I really do, that sucks on about 15 hundred different levels.

John- that is possibly the funniest damn thing i've read ever.

PV- I don't think there is a sexual woman in the world who hasn't had that happen, just scare the shit out of them and actually do it! Tends to get quite a unique response.

Bubbles- Isn't that kind of like telling someone not to look down.
-You didn't look down did you?
-nope
-I just saw you do it
-no you didn't

3/13/2006 01:41:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Absolutely a fantastic post. Perhaps one of the most entertaining pieces of reading I've had the pleasure to scan in a long while.

Sorry your horny, but at least you put it to good writing use.

3/13/2006 11:12:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

beaus: dude it totally does. fortunately it seems like it's fading back out again... well a little. it's still higher than usual.

i agree with all of your comments on my comments... but the one to bubbles is by far the funniest :)

i've never actually done that... what kind of response did you get?


lsd: thanks, i had a really good time writing it, there was giggling.

ah well, it's good to remember that you have a sex drive on occasion right?

3/13/2006 12:46:00 PM  
Blogger Will said...

Sometimes you've gotta wonder if you have a sex drive, or if it has you.

Nothing like getting the itch to complicate things...and at the most inopportune times, too.

3/13/2006 01:01:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

scorp: ahhh well put :)

in my case last week? it had me.

yeah the itch never shows up when it's useful... wonder why that is.

3/13/2006 05:30:00 PM  
Blogger beaus said...

Yeah, i've actually done it. I got "holy shit that's hot, i can't believe your doing that."

Then he was up for round 2.

3/15/2006 04:32:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

*rofl*

that's fantastic. i can honestly that that i've never done that but? i can also honestly say that i've never pretended either...

so i'm calling it a tie :)

3/15/2006 04:44:00 PM  
Blogger beaus said...

yeah, it's DEFINATELY a tie.

:)

3/15/2006 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

*laughing my fool head off*

right on!

3/15/2006 11:21:00 PM  

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