parental guidance advised...

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warning: the following may be offensive to some:
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what? i warned you.
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dear my sex drive;

yes you, i'm talking to you. hey stop that!

i'm pissed at you. yes that's right, actually pissed. full on rage even.

there i was happily existing in my sex object free life and there you were happily on vacation. we were happy.... there were margaritas for you and i was living my little life without interruption from you.

and then.

you fucker. something got you to twitch and instead of the lazy ass you usually are where you just sorta grumble to yourself and go back to sleep?

oh no. not you. you had to wake up and go

"HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"OVER HEEEEEEEEEEEE-URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!"

and you weren't happy with just a little drive by visit. oh no, you felt the need to like take up residence or something and leave me walking around in a state of high uh... excitement for days.

what the fuck was that about?

first of all allow me to point out that spring isn't due for another month so it wasn't really time for you to make your annual pilgrimmage back from jamaica. in fact i have you scheduled to be away for another 8 weeks at least.

but no.

you had to go and get bored with the biker and come back early. fucking figures.

do you have any idea how distracting you are? there i am, sitting with pile, waiting for the nice lady to come and show us an apartment and you're all

*twitch*

"psst.... yeah that's right, i'm still here"

"no i'm not leaving what do i look like stale fish? you girlie are stuck with me for the duration"

i just don't understand what you're doing here. it's not like you've seen anything cross my path lately that you've liked. i mean i know you read that thing that got you all awake but that couldn't have been enough by itself could it?

can't you just go to florida for a while?

please?

look i'll even lend you the car?

i'm just not sure that you're grokking how frustrating it is to have you around right now. i mean it's certainly not like i need you here reminding me how long it's been because yeah, i remember.

i don't need you reminding me that noone has wanted to boink me for years. three to be specific.

and i certainly don't need you running around making me twitchy when i'm trying to teach. look you're allowed to visit when our hot client is around okay?

come on that's a good deal isn't it? you can get all hot and bothered over him and then transport yourself back to sunny climes?

take a cruise maybe?

come on the idea of you off having a good time while i live my quiet little life is sort of appealing. besides you're making apartment hunting really hard.

and don't give me that bullshit that you're here to cheer me up either because i am here to tell you that no. it doesn't work that way. you show up all itchy and hot and want things and just remind me that they aren't actually there.

and you know? i was getting to making some peace with that.

i was even getting to the place where not being able to afford to have a kid in time to actually have a kid was sort of okay. i don't mean i was like excited or "oh yay i get to be alone and childless yay" or anything but i was making peace.

i was getting over it.

so i'm alone i was telling myself. so no one interesting actually wants me and that's okay. i'm sure this sex thing is overrated after all. i mean i think i recall it being kind of overrated...

isn't it?

look sex drive i know you're disappointed okay? you sort of got a dud to live inside. i know you didn't think you were going to end up living in a celibate but if it's any consolation i didn't think i would BE a celibate so doesn't that make us even?

can't you just sort of quietly fold yourself up and like go back where you came from?

stop torturing me?

stop demanding things that i am powerless to give you?

and no, i can't just go pick up some hottie in a bar and boink it. you know damm well we have a sexually transmitted disease and responsibility dictates that we actually TELL people that before we boink them. remember?

you know the old drunken bar conversation that goes like this:
"hey hottie wanna fuck"
"uh i have an st... hey where you going?"

you remember that right?

okay i know we've never actually had that conversation but you get what i'm saying right? come on don't you?

*sigh*

fucking thing never listens.

please please please go back to jamaica? be all warm and sunny and margaritaville living? please? go away and leave me alone?

stop reminding me that there are things to want that seem impossible for me?

damm you i did all the things you're supposed to do. i went and got my sanity back. i went and got my body back. i started wearing mascara. i started wearing tight jeans and actually letting the hot boys catch me looking. i put myself on the fucking online personals with a pretty good profile even. i didn't say no to anyone who asked me out.

come on i can't help it that no one is asking! i can't. i don't know what else i can do to satisfy you so please, for the love of me and all that's holy would you just fuck off?

please?

i can't take it i just can't.... and frankly after the first two days my index finger gets exceedingly old.

pretty please?

-sass