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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

perspective is a bitch

so some shit is happening in my life right now that i can't talk about... but it has served to make my 'problems' into the tiny bumps in the road that they really are.

that perspective, she's a bitch.

someone close to me isn't well. please don't think you can guess and please don't think that i will elaborate. if i were going to i would have already. i will only say that it isn't inherently life threatening and that it is chronic.

so i've been here before.

just because you've stood on a pile of shit before doesn't make it any more fun to do it again.

what's interesting about this is that i have a large pile of bullshit happening in my life these days. people are having entire relationships with me that i'm not participating in. some friends are letting me down. family is having some troubles. finances are in the toilet pretty hard and don't appear to be improving anytime soon. body hurts. weight appears to be going up (i think my eyes are broken). many friends and loved ones are losing their friends and loved ones. car is in a mood [mechanic thinks it's gas related, will let you know in a tank or so]. dating is well... dating. friends are in or having trouble. you know the general things in life that can weigh us down.

and suddenly none of it matters at all.

friends disappointing me? irrelevant.

owing my best friend money because my car needed it? unimportant

dating? don't care

fat and sore? uh what?

none of it matters a whit. something actually important has just been dropped on my head and has served to remind me that my ridiculous mini crush on my weed dealer is totally irrelevant to my life (which it is anyway, he smokes and it's one of those convenience crushes... i think) and that the rent will get paid and that my car is important but not the be all and and and

none of it fucking matters.

what matters is that someone that i love dearly is ill pretty seriously and i am concerned about them to the depths of my being.

if only perspective came a little easier sometimes.

where did my stalkers go? jenn's blog is dead and mike changed his nick... so i changed my sidebar :)

went climbing with hubris last night.

i had taken ten days off because my hands were sore all the time and although i was moving well i felt weak and sort of unable to hold on to anything. like i could do the move but i couldn't hold the hold.

i was falling off things i sent easily the first time i climbed them. i couldn't figure out moves on routes i had sent. it hurt to walk through the door.

so it seemed like a good time to take some time off.

i'm glad that i did too because i climbed my face off last night. i did foolishly work the start of a 5.10- that i've sent before but hubris pointed out that i wasn't following my own 'take your time' advice so i stopped and stuck with the 9's and 8's which is a lot more fun now that they put up some new 9's.

the previous batch of 9's were entirely shitty and at one point the took down all the 7's and most of the 8's so i was having to warm up on 10s which yeah, sucks.

anyway it was lovely and i finished off the night with four round trip laps on a 5.7 that's actually two routes in one. it has two starts and they join together about two thirds of the way up so i went up one side, down the other, back up the side i just came down and then down the side i went up first and then i did it again. so four laps but on two routes.

much fun.

hubris was impressed for some reason.

what impressed me was that it wasn't my hands or my arms or my abs that quit. no it was my toes. these shoes with the toes that push against the tops of my toes are driving my feet nuts. sure they're better for climbing but sometimes my feet are slipping off just because my toes hurt.

either i'll get used to it or declare said shoes dead and get some new ones. in april or so.

more impressive than my laps? salt was there climbing with some buddies and they were working out instead of just climbing. so he started doing laps with weights.

well not exactly laps.

he would climb a route as high as he could (lead climb) with FORTY pounds of weight on his hips and then fall and untie and sort of fast walk over to the next route which he would tie into and climb and on and on. it was truly impressive to watch.

incidentally i got a little lesson in the difference between sexy and obvious from salt and his climbing partner. partner who i'll call howler is climbing in jeans and salt is climbing in jeans and a t-shirt.

guess which one my eye was fixated on?

no, not the muslces (and trust me, howler is fucking ripped yo... ripped in that alternate universe if you could fuck his body and no one would know way... or as hubris says the 'severed head fuck' [and both men have attractive faces]) the t-shirt. i wanted to see under that shirt SO BADLY it was sick.

i think there was a little bit of drool even.

because i could see the suggestion of muscles. i could see that there wasn't any fat. i could tell that somewhere under the baggy jeans was a really nice ass. but i couldn't see them and it was driving me nuts.

so that old adage about the tease being better than the reveal? so true.

at least in my case.


Blogger Earthworm said...

I've been taking some time away from the bloguverse. Just something I thought was worth doing.

2/21/2006 03:51:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Awww, darling, I'm so sorry about this person being ill. It feels pretty helpless not being able to anything about it. But you being there for them is important. And yes perspective in indeed a bitch. But it can be helpful. We do get caught up in our little universe and we make our concerns into these monsters. We all do it.

And sorry there is so much other shit going on that is unpleasant. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and let all the small stuff go and concentrate on the biggies, which will take most of your energy.

At least you had a good time climbing. And I know exercising releases endorphins...and friends that love you help you release endorphins. So, at least, there's that.

I wish I could say or do more to make you feel better or shine some light on the issue. But all I can say is whatever you need, whenever you need it, if I can help, just let me know.



2/21/2006 04:20:00 PM  
Anonymous john said...

Hello Sass-

I'm sorry to hear about this person close to you. I know that it is hard to express such sentiments facelessly on a blog without sounding glib, but I do hope that he/she recovers or the best possible outcome occurs, whichever is the case.

I had a professor who used tell a story that went roughly like this: A student had visited him during office hours to squabble over a few points and to ask why he didn't make a higher grade. This was during the Rwandan genocide, so the professor answered "did you know that thousands of Rwandans are being murdered every day?" The student replied "What does that have to do with my grade?" The professor replied "When you figure that out, then you will have your 'A.'"

I took several courses from this guy and every time he would share this zen-like parable you could tell it went completely over the heads of most his listeners. I've taken it to mean that things that are of the greatest importance in our perspective are insignificant in the perspective of others. Until we are exposed to that wider view and understand that some of the things that we personally consider setbacks (a low grade) would be considered unbelievable opportunities to others (university attendance) we will forever be blinded and continue to take for granted the favorable circumstances bestowed upon us.

It is good that you have an outlet like climbing to help turn your negative energy positive. I enjoy working out myself because it lets me exert all of my pent up frustrations and agressions and convert all of those mentally unhealthy elements into physically beneficial ones.

I also like to hang out in the climbing room just to talk to new people who can elevate my status... that's right, I'm a social climber...


2/21/2006 04:36:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

earthworm: breaks from the blogverse are good and healthy. myself i've cut way back on the blogs that i read because i just don't have time.

nat: yeah i'm sorry too. we thought it was kinda better and it turns out that it isn't so the intimate circle is having a freak out.

knowing that people are out there thinking nice thoughts in my direction is priceless nat. it really is.

the other shit just doesn't matter. that is what was brought home to me yesterday night when i got home and heard the voice mail. suddenly it just doesn't matter a whit because i have *real* shit to deal with. funny thing is that i sort of knew my shit was lame but it took this to knock it into my head.

i did have a great time climbing with a great friend. and yeah i did get some good and direly needed endorphins... hmm can you use dire that way?

honey you're helping just by commenting :)


john: you don't sound glib. you sound like you're trying to find a 'right thing' to say in a situation with none. it's why sometimes when people post stuff like this i'll comment *huggs* and nothing else. cause what else is there?

so no, you're not glib.

and i love that parable of your profs that's excellent and i thank you for sharing it. i am truly blessed in spite of the small burrs under my saddle. but still i am blessed and i am lucky to know it.

yeah exercise makes a huge difference to my moods. if i don't get enough then i'm cranky just because i need to sweat out some toxins.

i loooove throwing my shit at a climbing wall for sure. and dude if all you're doing in a climbing gym is social climbing you're missing the two best parts... the workout and the EYE CANDY!!!


okay seriously, thanks for the parable it's awesome :)

2/21/2006 05:09:00 PM  
Blogger debambam said...

oh yeah, teasing is better than anything...don't give me nude pics, give me ones that hide the good bits anyday of the week, our imagination is the biggest aphrodesiac of all!

Sorry to hear about your friend, to quote myself "life just sucks so bad sometimes"

2/21/2006 05:42:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

I really hope that your friend or who ever it is, is able to feel better soon.

Are you wearing the shoes that I gave you?

2/21/2006 06:40:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

deb: i love me some tease. in fact i've been known to... you know i'm not going to finish that sentence.

but yes, our imagination is by far the hottest thing we own.

life does suck sometimes but we are sort of used to this so we at least sort of 'know the drill' so to speak.

lsd: i hope they feel better soon also but this one sounds kinda shitty. we're hoping to avoid hospitalisation.

yup i am. in fact hubris is wearing MY old shoes now *g*

2/21/2006 07:06:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

oh, sass.. that sucks. i'm so sorry about your friend.
but glad to hear you enjoyed all facets of climbing..

2/21/2006 08:25:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: climbing came before voicemail...else i likely wouldn't have made it to the gym

so i guess it worked out okay.

thanks terry :\

2/21/2006 08:39:00 PM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

I never know what to say anymore, now that your blog is about women's issues, tampons and men.

Where's the hockey commentary? I wanna get my doritos out and a beer, and log into snapshots of an idle mind after work.

Oh and some swimsuit models too, so long as I'm redecorating your blog on you.

2/21/2006 10:27:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

ew: but my blog today is about perspective. sure the guy at the gym is a guy but that was still about how my eyes work and not so much about him.

i haven't seen any hockey worth commenting on. pat quinn still sucks, the canadian men suck ass and the olympics is on when i'm at work :)

mmmm beer

oh man just for that i'm going to find a swimsuit shot of me when i'm fat.

2/21/2006 10:57:00 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

thanks for the link I was surprised to see it there I thought I was hallucinating :) I'm sorry your friend is ill, but it can be those things that help us take stock and really appreciate what we do have to be thankful for.

Ah the tease, I know it well. There is a lot of it where I work and if I don't fixate on my cube I can get to wondering all sorts of stuff and then I have to force myself to help the people I'm paid to be there for. So it's always a bit of fancy vs the here and now, but it certainly can ge tthe bllod pumping and make you feel alive which is always good. Right?!

2/22/2006 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

Swimsuit shots of sass...I need to clear some room on the wall in my bathroom...

2/22/2006 06:55:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

amber: you're welcome :)

you're right that this is definetely good for my perspective. unfortunately it's terrible for this person's intimate circle. so we're just hoping they heal.

i love the tease... there's nothing better to make you feel alive. it's the ones that only tease... the leading on, that shit isn't cool.

fancy... ahhh spring :)

earthworm: eep!

2/22/2006 07:32:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

funny how a little perspective makes your own life seem that much more....


my favorite professor in undergrad said: "no pain is as great as that of your own, and things always go back to this basic premise"...

*shrugs*, i'd hate to think he's absolutely right, but, he is.

when you do see under the shirt..take pics. please :)

2/22/2006 09:08:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

*huge hugs*

I totally know what you mean about perspective. It's easy to whine and bitch about your life and all of your "massive" problems and then you get news of a friend or a relative and you're like, "does any of that other shit even matter?"

hope things get better soon, darlin' ...

2/22/2006 09:23:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: oh yeah for sure. it's why i like john's parable so much.

i wonder how he meant your own. because this person is one of my own and i know for sure that their pain is greater than mine. but it's a my own person in a way that (take john's example) the rwandans weren't.

he's right

oh dude if i do i will but he's not really shirtless guy unless it's 40 degrees celsius out so it may have to wait for summer *sulk*

dz: thanks man *hugs*

no, none of that other shit matters a whit. i guess it's good to get perspective and all but at what cost?

i'm okay dude, it's my person i love i'm concerned for...

2/22/2006 09:51:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Sorry to hear about your friend, Sass. Sending some of my spare strength your way.

Lots of shoulders to lean on here.

2/22/2006 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger stoned.nerd said...

sorry to hear that, sass. it's always darkest before the dawn.

things will get better, they always do. :)

2/22/2006 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

You know if you need it, you can always write me Sass if things get bad for you. I don't have big shoulders like Matt, but he's already offered you some of his shoulderspace so I'll offer my ear.

2/22/2006 05:10:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: thanks sweetie i appreciate it because you have a pile of it.

and yours are even pretty mr. tease me with back pictures

nerd: it is always darkest before dawn. and yet that doesn't make this moment any better.

and they will you're right. course they always get worse too...

worm: yeah well matt works out for those shoulders and i suspect there's a touch of genetics in there too. :)

thanks mike, there's a very small pool i can talk to about this and everyone in it already knows this person is sick. not my secret to share...

2/22/2006 05:37:00 PM  
Blogger Sweet Li'l Gal said...

i know exactly what you mean about the perspective kicking you in the ass thing. I had been whining and whining about my life being dull and uneventful, and then one of my good friends had a seizure due to a cancerous brain tumour which made her cancel her new house purchase and give up the kids she was about to adopt from Haiti. Talk about a change of heart, from feeling like I had nothing but things to pull me down, to actually seeing that health in itself is such a big blessing that we take for granted. i hope that things work out well for your friend but for you as well.

2/22/2006 06:35:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

I hope their illness passes soon. Being sick sucks.

/dealing with a flu now
//also dealing with a nasty anniversary - "Whoops I O'D"

2/22/2006 08:10:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

lisa: oh man. oh fucking man. that's the shittiest thing ever. i'm so sorry for your friend. oh my god. that's much worse than what's happening to my person.

right back at you. may you and your friend be well and a little stronger and more patient than you would otherwise be.

cast: oh man dude that's the shittiest anniversary ever. well i'm sure some are worse but still.

and yeah being sick sucks but they'll probably be okay.

Princess Valium: thank you for wishing me strength and patience and lots of weed :) i wish i could remember all the wishes you made me because they were wonderful. i wish them for everyone and wish they could have seen them.

2/22/2006 09:43:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

I meant lots of shoulders as in lots of good friends, not patting myself on the...shoulders. :)

2/22/2006 11:38:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: we know. that's what makes it fun to talk about your pretty shoulders :)

2/22/2006 11:50:00 PM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

sassiness.. i wish gfood thoughts to you and your beloved friends..

about the tshirt guy.. yeah the reveal is always nice to ponder.. forever! (well not really forever!)

2/23/2006 12:07:00 AM  
Anonymous clarity said...

Hey, what about the Canadian women's hockey team? They kick ass! That's worth talking about imo.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. We humans are so fragile sometimes. You don't have much if you don't have your health.

I think its a natural human thing to wish for more than what one has though. I'm not quite sure why that is... there must be some evolutionary advantage in there.

Glad you're having a good time climbing again.

2/23/2006 02:06:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

punk: thanks lady!

i've seen him without a shirt before but it was months ago and he's been training.


clarity: the canadian women kick ever lovin' ass. they kick so much ass that they never once got challenged the entire olympics. great for a medal, bad for commentary.

it's true, and it's somehow like extra hard to deal with when it's chronic because it never ever ends. but you know that intimately.

i think that if we don't wish for more than we stop striving. and sloth leads to basically accomplishing nothing ?

it was FUN!

2/23/2006 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Lisa's story hit home too. I think we take health for granted. And lately with all my little aches and pains and long-lasting viruses I have realized just how very important it is.


2/23/2006 02:57:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

I think I might have blushed there.

2/23/2006 03:47:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: yeah for me also.

made me even more greatful for my own life that's for sure.

you're one of the rare ones nat, always willing to see your blessings. hope you stay that way!

matt: nice!

2/23/2006 04:17:00 PM  

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