broken windows

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okay it's mouthgasm week at chez sass. cause yeah jr told me to try the honey/garlic miss vickies and yeah? SO GOOD i ate the WHOLE bag and i'm not even hungry. this not hungry thing is getting to be problematic actually.

uh momentary mention of feminine crap for the purpose of exposition. so i get really really not hungry during the week right after i menstruate which is fine cause i get starved in the week before. i should schedule buffets this way!

anyway, just as that was waning they put me on antibiotics for a girly infection and told me to take the pills 'with food' which proved impossible because they totally killed my appetite. so i forced down fruit and granola every day and called it a fast.

so that was like two weeks right and thus three weeks total.

do you guys have any idea how hard it is to learn to eat again after close to a month as a borderline anorexic? (shut up i am not having body dismorphic disorder and i don't think that i'm fat and need to starve) it's hard yo!

worse? i ran out of weed last week so i can't even really kickstart the appetite with some nice stimulant. not helpful.

the good news is that next week i'll be starving due to the cyclical vagaries and that should solve that. the bad news is that i was hella cranky today from lack of food and that shit cannot be happening when i teach. so i need to do something to get through the next five days or so and i really have no idea what.

anyone know an herb or whatever to stimulate appetite? (shut up i said weed already!)
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new musical discovery: sufjan stevens - come on feel the illinoise.

basically he goes to a state and writes like an opera and records it there. there's one called greetings from michigan too but i haven't heard it. anyway a girl from work lent it to me and i can't turn it off. it's SO damm pretty and hard to explain. like folky orchestral pop music or something.

i really want to get an album or two of his after listening to this one for two days straight.
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band practise tonight was pretty cool. i was in a weird headspace and i tossed it all at my drum and now i have my even keel back. that's probably my favourite state. even keel. happy is good, sad is fine but mellow and balanced rocks the world.

it's like being on your toes in sports. it means you're ready for anything and can jump in any direction.

i didn't get to drum last week because of the memorial service and i confess that i spent the majority of this week spinning out more and more from not playing my drum. it's amazing how missing a week will mess you up when you're that dependent on something.

which yeah, i had no idea i was so dependent on until it wasn't there. and i could really have used it after that memorial service last thursday.

it's really a magical way to just let go of anything. you play it out into your drum and release whatever you're feeling to the universe as beautiful music. now that's my kind of alchemy.
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this is going to be such a nice weekend. easy day tomorrow and then climbing with mg tomorrow night. i love climbing friday nights. only the serious climbers are there and so there's a strange and quiet intensity that isn't there when the more casual folks are around. somehow the camaraderie is increased on friday nights as well.

one of the things that i really appreciate about my gym is the quiet encouragement. people will spot if you ask them to or if it seems like you unexpectedly need it. they'll shout 'yeah yeah' but what they won't do is toss advice at you that you didn't ask for.

if for a second you imply that you want advice they'll give it all to you but they won't force it on you. the place really suits me and in some ways i hope that i never date anyone from that particular gym. i would hate to have to leave it.

so saturday? class with the goddess, lunch/beer with my friend tm that i don't see often enough and then dinner with spinnaker who i NEVER get to see that evening. i really like spinnaker but she and i have really opposing schedules so if we're lucky we get to hang once or twice a year (or at memorial services :(.)

and then sunday? yeah sunday. *blissful sigh*

i get to sleep until (wait for it!) 11:15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah dudes. i teach ONE class from 12:15 to 1:15 and that's my whole weekend of work. god doesn't that sound fucking fantastic?

anyway so i emailed hcg to see if he wanted to go climbing but either way i'm going and well sunday night? sunday night remains open to the universe's will :)

i cannot imagine a nicer way to spend a weekend than this. it will be quiet and involve desperately needed sleep and some recharging.

i love weekends like that. i REALLY love that i get to sleep in again!!!

i nearly got to sleep in monday but the mechanic screwed something up so i have to go hang there instead. it's okay, i think the folks there are awesome so it will be strangely fun.

so now to fill tuesday afternoons a little more and my work life is perfect. damm how does that happen?

speaking of work. i know a lot of people doing jobs that don't call to them at all and i totally don't get it. for one thing? it's a lot easier to get rich doing something that you love than it is to suffer for the sake of money.

besides, i would rather live happy than die rich.

but that's just me maybe?
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wow this music is beautiful.
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so a while ago i had the misfortune of telling someone something not so nice about a mutual friend. and i watched those beautiful eyes fill with disappointment and i wondered. when you know something about someone and you know that that thing will disappoint someone else but enlighten them also... do you or don't you tell them?

when i saw that slightly shattered look i felt ashamed and wished that i had kept my mouth shut...

but then doesn't my friend deserve the truth?