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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Friday, February 03, 2006

broken windows

okay it's mouthgasm week at chez sass. cause yeah jr told me to try the honey/garlic miss vickies and yeah? SO GOOD i ate the WHOLE bag and i'm not even hungry. this not hungry thing is getting to be problematic actually.

uh momentary mention of feminine crap for the purpose of exposition. so i get really really not hungry during the week right after i menstruate which is fine cause i get starved in the week before. i should schedule buffets this way!

anyway, just as that was waning they put me on antibiotics for a girly infection and told me to take the pills 'with food' which proved impossible because they totally killed my appetite. so i forced down fruit and granola every day and called it a fast.

so that was like two weeks right and thus three weeks total.

do you guys have any idea how hard it is to learn to eat again after close to a month as a borderline anorexic? (shut up i am not having body dismorphic disorder and i don't think that i'm fat and need to starve) it's hard yo!

worse? i ran out of weed last week so i can't even really kickstart the appetite with some nice stimulant. not helpful.

the good news is that next week i'll be starving due to the cyclical vagaries and that should solve that. the bad news is that i was hella cranky today from lack of food and that shit cannot be happening when i teach. so i need to do something to get through the next five days or so and i really have no idea what.

anyone know an herb or whatever to stimulate appetite? (shut up i said weed already!)

new musical discovery: sufjan stevens - come on feel the illinoise.

basically he goes to a state and writes like an opera and records it there. there's one called greetings from michigan too but i haven't heard it. anyway a girl from work lent it to me and i can't turn it off. it's SO damm pretty and hard to explain. like folky orchestral pop music or something.

i really want to get an album or two of his after listening to this one for two days straight.

band practise tonight was pretty cool. i was in a weird headspace and i tossed it all at my drum and now i have my even keel back. that's probably my favourite state. even keel. happy is good, sad is fine but mellow and balanced rocks the world.

it's like being on your toes in sports. it means you're ready for anything and can jump in any direction.

i didn't get to drum last week because of the memorial service and i confess that i spent the majority of this week spinning out more and more from not playing my drum. it's amazing how missing a week will mess you up when you're that dependent on something.

which yeah, i had no idea i was so dependent on until it wasn't there. and i could really have used it after that memorial service last thursday.

it's really a magical way to just let go of anything. you play it out into your drum and release whatever you're feeling to the universe as beautiful music. now that's my kind of alchemy.

this is going to be such a nice weekend. easy day tomorrow and then climbing with mg tomorrow night. i love climbing friday nights. only the serious climbers are there and so there's a strange and quiet intensity that isn't there when the more casual folks are around. somehow the camaraderie is increased on friday nights as well.

one of the things that i really appreciate about my gym is the quiet encouragement. people will spot if you ask them to or if it seems like you unexpectedly need it. they'll shout 'yeah yeah' but what they won't do is toss advice at you that you didn't ask for.

if for a second you imply that you want advice they'll give it all to you but they won't force it on you. the place really suits me and in some ways i hope that i never date anyone from that particular gym. i would hate to have to leave it.

so saturday? class with the goddess, lunch/beer with my friend tm that i don't see often enough and then dinner with spinnaker who i NEVER get to see that evening. i really like spinnaker but she and i have really opposing schedules so if we're lucky we get to hang once or twice a year (or at memorial services :(.)

and then sunday? yeah sunday. *blissful sigh*

i get to sleep until (wait for it!) 11:15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah dudes. i teach ONE class from 12:15 to 1:15 and that's my whole weekend of work. god doesn't that sound fucking fantastic?

anyway so i emailed hcg to see if he wanted to go climbing but either way i'm going and well sunday night? sunday night remains open to the universe's will :)

i cannot imagine a nicer way to spend a weekend than this. it will be quiet and involve desperately needed sleep and some recharging.

i love weekends like that. i REALLY love that i get to sleep in again!!!

i nearly got to sleep in monday but the mechanic screwed something up so i have to go hang there instead. it's okay, i think the folks there are awesome so it will be strangely fun.

so now to fill tuesday afternoons a little more and my work life is perfect. damm how does that happen?

speaking of work. i know a lot of people doing jobs that don't call to them at all and i totally don't get it. for one thing? it's a lot easier to get rich doing something that you love than it is to suffer for the sake of money.

besides, i would rather live happy than die rich.

but that's just me maybe?

wow this music is beautiful.

so a while ago i had the misfortune of telling someone something not so nice about a mutual friend. and i watched those beautiful eyes fill with disappointment and i wondered. when you know something about someone and you know that that thing will disappoint someone else but enlighten them also... do you or don't you tell them?

when i saw that slightly shattered look i felt ashamed and wished that i had kept my mouth shut...

but then doesn't my friend deserve the truth?


Blogger Natalia said...

Yaay that weekends sounds amazing. Jami is gonna be here this weekend so I I shall be decompressing as well even though I teach on Sat, hace my niece's b-day party to go to and also need to keep moving crap to the condo. Yaay condo.

I wish I had an issue with lack of hunger. My hormones are so fucking messed up, dude... really.. I think they have enough issues that they should go get counseling or something.

But...slowly with meds and and stuff we are hoping stuff will get better soon...dude..it needs to.

So, basically I am no help when it comes to how to be hungry...cause I mostly am when I need to be... and when I don't. UGHHHH.

And miss vickies....YUM...and I have not had breakfast because they delivered the furniture at 8:30 fucking AM...and I won't have anything because I am now in the office and then I am heading to graduation...damn I want it to be the evening already. I want Thai food.

I am a rambling maniac....help!


2/03/2006 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

I posted twice...I am such a dork... so I had to erase it...and also Jami? I meant Jmai :) Damn I need sleep. OK I promise I am going now.


2/03/2006 10:36:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: yay you're actually moving in!! that's so awesome i'm fully excited for you.

sounds like a great weekend for you actually. mine too really :)

oh manit's the worst when you can't stop eating. you're sitting there putting food into your face that you don't even want and you can't stop. i fucking hate that. and trust me i have problems with that myself, that's why having to relearn to eat is so totally weird. never really been an issue for me.

is the med change helping at all?

miss vickies are so yummy. love the jalopeno and the lime and black pepper also. kettle chips sea salt and pepper are my favourites though.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm thai food
ewwwwwwwwwww 8:30am

don't go nooooooooo come back!


2/03/2006 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

It completely depends on the context of the situation Sass. Sometimes friends need the truth to move on, or keep from getting hurt worse later. Other times, I think it is OK to let their reality be a little more beautiful with a little less information. I really hate having this to tell or not to tell dillema in my conscious mind. However, I hate it even worse when I accidently spill the beans.
"Oh you didn't know?" (shitshitshitshitshit)
"I thought you knew.) (FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK)

2/03/2006 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

lsd: everything depends on the context of the situation. except one.

when you are failing to tell the truth because it's easier for you rather than because it's the 'nice thing' to do then that makes you dishonest.

like the guy who told a friend of mine 'i'd love to date you but i'm currently busy going bankrupt and i can't pay proper attention blahblahblahblah' when ALL he needed to say was 'i'm flattered but i'm not into you that way'

the latter? way way way harder for him to say and yet so much easier for her in the long run. instead he continued to lead her on long past the point of reasonableness and he killed their friendship with it.

so i figure unless it's a terrible haircut you should pretty much always tell the truth ESPECIALLY when it's hardest for you.

regarding friends though it's weird to tell a friend something about another friend that you know will hurt them. do they deserve to know their friend is an ass or do they deserve to keep their fantasy? or is deserve even the right word?

2/03/2006 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

boo from work.

2/03/2006 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

my weekend shall suck. work tonight, work tomorrow night, work sunday night

total upside? I GOT A MOTHA FUCKIN JOB!! no more of this temp bartender shit where i get fucked out of tips, in all honesty, my tits made for the other assholes behind the bar...HOLLA!

as to the whole "fantasy" thing....yea, i'm not a person to ask for that. i believe in balatant honesty and no rose colored glasses in most situations in my life..

i shall stay out of it.

2/03/2006 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

mike: :)

elle: at least you got a job? i think you'll have a blast with it really and it's way cheaper than buying your OWN drinks :)

heh your boobs will make you lots of cash, mine sure did.

yeah i'm with you. fuck the fantasy i want the truth. then at least i can deal with reality.

stay out? on MY blog? not a chance dude... get your ass back to my comments section right NOW!

2/03/2006 03:20:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

*drags ass back*

i had a blast at the other place, i just hated the whole "you're new" mentality...and how they wouldn't give me secure employment, even though i was there three nights a week. i was on call, and a temp..so i didn't get to partake in all the tips, and i only got like 30 bucks a night for workin, while the others got 50. F-THAT!

this place is a new bar here in da cleavage...called OPM (opium..ooo!)...it's got a lot of potential, and regardless, i don't have to split my tips!

sometimes the truth isn't what i want to hear, per se..but it's what i need. i like knowing that my pedastals of my life are occupied by the worthy...and i have no qualms of knocking people straight out of 'em if it's required.

2/03/2006 04:49:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

My best friend has earned that title precisely by telling me things I'd probably rather not hear.

Helps that he's dead sensitive about it, of course. You can sometimes see the tears in his eyes as he voices something another person might find distressing.

He feels though, that someone's gotta do it. I gotta say, his honesty and straightforwardness have done more to help me along in my life than any flattery or platitudes.

2/03/2006 04:52:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn! said...

sensitive honesty...key.

and how does this D-girl make $$ with her tits????!?!?! if it's not illegal or too immoral, i down ;)

2/03/2006 05:47:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

*admires elle's ass*

oh that's always totally ridiculous. like you know by the second day if you're going to hire me or not so fucking do it already. also being ripped off for tips sucks total ass.

hee OPM i love it! also getting your own tips is big. that way you can work as hard as you want.

look a lot of times the truth isn't exactly the thing i was expecting or wanting but it's still better than the alternative. i'm with you, learning you have a liar on a pedestal sucks total ass.

md: me too dude.

it's all about telling your friends the truth, who the hell else is going to after all?

if i have something nasty to say then i'll approach with massive caution and sprinkle liberally with euphemisms but i'll still say it. *IF* you're worth the bother. otherwise i walk away.

i'm with you md, telling me the truth is the thing i treasure in othercat and it's why he and i are still friends who get closer and not further apart every year.

jenn: word.

she bartends :)

2/03/2006 06:39:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

Ripping off the bar tenders/waitstaff is rude. I usually tip 25% depending on what the service is like. If it's very basic then 15 to 20. If it's a cheap place, like Waffle House and the service is good I'll drop more since, well, those people make shit anyway.

2/04/2006 12:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As far as the 'telling one friend a thing about another friend' goes, I think it utterly depends on the friendship the three of you have and the nature of the information you have.

If it's something that would be extremely hurtful or deceptive (i.e. Friend A is fucking your man/ Friend A has a heroin addiction an stole your heirloom ring) I'd spill. Something less grave (i.e. Friend A dissed your man/Friend A once made a mean joke about you in front of others) I might let it go. So you have to decide how necessary it is for you to pass on this information.

Sass, you may remember a friend of mine who was always telling me hurtful things that she thought 'were for my own good'. These were things I actually didn't need to know and created tons of unnecessary drama. She got dumped.

There's also the possibility of speaking to Friend B about the issue and encouraging them to talk to Friend A. That way you don't have to snitch, because sometimes the bearer of bad news (however well-intentioned they are) gets burnt in the process. Are you willing to lose/hurt Friend B by telling Friend A? Are you prepared to hurt/lose both of them?

I guess it depends on the friendship dynamic, the information you feel compelled to share, and how necessary you feel it is to share it. I have some friends I would tell anything... others who prefer to remain ignorant. It's a case-by-case thing. Thankfully, my friends are cool and tend not to put themselves in these types of situations.


2/04/2006 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: i think elle meant that she wasn't getting her fair share of the tips with the OTHER bartenders... not that she got ripped off by customers. and yeah i always overtip for breakfast.

PV: i think you're totally right. knowing that one friend holds another in that ever so slight contempt that the 'inherently superior' feel for lesser humans isn't worth sharing. knowing that friend a is fucking friend b's wife is totally different. what i find interesting is your last line about your friends being cool and not putting themselves into these messes. i think that's the key. with real friends there is no dilemma. they're friends precisely BECAUSE they tell each other the truth in the least hurtful way possible. it's when one of the parties in the circle proves themselves untrustworthy that a dilemma is raised. if i no longer trust or like friend c should i tell friend b this? and if so should i tell them why.

and i do remember that friend and you've been hella happier since you dumped her.

in my particular case i've already spilled the beans, it's just caused me to wonder if i made a mistake and therefore i'm thinking about similar future messes and what i'll do.

i'm willing to get burnt i guess, i just wish i'd thought about all this BEFORE i spilled instead of after. but i don't believe i'll get burned. i believe the friend i shared with to be a true friend who will understand.

2/04/2006 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

Cast: depending on the bar...you pool tips...and because i was new i'd get less of a share. so, instead of splitting the jar an equal 4 ways..they'd split it 3 ways to a certain number (like 200), and then the rest i'd get..if there was anything. GHEY!! and agreed. lots of people don't tip..and it's like "excuse me...i control how much alcohol you get or do not get...let alone if you get any"..the guy who gave me $5 no matter what i gave him? (he actually gave me a $20 when he ordered three beers over his usual 1) he was waited on like a king....minute he came up to the bar, i'd run over to him and help him out..i even gave him two free round because he more than paid for it in tips.....the chick who mumbled to her boyfriend "why do we need to give them anything?!"..never got another drink...unless her boyfriend came up without her. if the service is shitty..fine, don't tip....but if you get your shit, you get it fast, and i'm not a bitch about it? at least give me a buck. shockingly, i'm super friendly to my customers (although i get mouthy with some of the guys because..hey, they dig it, and i need the cash!), and people were asking for me by name yesterday night. was cool!

2/04/2006 02:26:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

we used to pool change and keep bills. it was easier since we were all over the bar all the time.

i don't get people not tipping, it doesn't make sense to me. course i served drinks for years so what the fuck i can't not tip.

dissing is the best... i love regulars.

have fun dude, it was my favourite job ever. just make sure you have good comfortable shoes!

MATT!!: your comments are broken.

2/04/2006 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Dammit, thought so. :(

2/04/2006 10:52:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

I'm pretty frickin' pissed that blogger ate my post, but thankfully I had it backed up. It's up again if'n ya'll want to read it.

2/04/2006 11:39:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i had a look at it but i couldn't post it.

it wouldn't let me.

blogger is being funny the last couple of days, i hope it doesn't eat the post i'm working on.

2/05/2006 12:05:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

oh man i'm always so tired after reading your posts! I think i've told you that before..I'm not picking by the way, just saying that this reader can almost imagine you sitting opposite a table saying all this without one breath!
To answer your question re telling things to people, I guess it's a hard call. One to be made on a case by case basis, I don't think there are any rules.
Anyway I hope your weekend is as funfilled as you want it to be!

2/05/2006 12:46:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

wow you know they do take me a while on most occasions. i mean sometimes they happen fast like that but often they take all day.

that one took a little while but not that long. i guess i'm exhausting to talk to when i have a lot to say.

hmmm you know i've never thought about it. people who know me am i exhausting to talk to?

i do breathe :)

yeah i think you're right about the lack of rules regarding this sort of thing, it's just one of those things that gets you thinking. did i fuck up. would i do it again. what's the right answer... etc.

my weekend is great so far... and now i'm watching tv. it's awesome :)

2/05/2006 01:00:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn! said...

OT -- but now, at least for me, my blog is having a 500 Server Error...kinda like it ate all of my content.


google is having serious blogger issues. usually your blog is down the same time mine is down...but yours is still here, so i had to come and bitch about blogger. hope it doesnt really eat blogs...yikes. this excessive downtime has got to affect their stock price in some way...sigh.

(back OT) and tv...how fun!! hehe

2/05/2006 01:23:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jenn your content is still there for me and my blog seems to be mostly working again.

i'm assuming blogger had a mild crash but if this isn't fixed by monday i'll really sulk. it made the comments section a lot less fun.

what's weird is that it's GOOGLE. since when do they crash?

dude the tv was awesome and tomorrow i get to climb AND have dinner with othercat.

2/05/2006 03:39:00 AM  

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