different takes...

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i'm freaking exhausted right now so i can't speak as to how much sense the following post will make... but i owe you guys a post so.

as y'all know i headed out visiting this weekend which is always fun but. my god did i ever miss my ridiculously expensive and overly comfortable bed. don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with the sleeping space provided to me it just wasn't my tragically expensive bed with the wonderful flannel sheets that were a gift from my sister.

mix in too much caffeine (seriously java chip ice cream from STARBUCKS at 3am is not a wise move when you're caffeine sensitive) and funny house noises and you get a recipe for a sass who's really fucking tired when she gets home on monday after a nice six hour drive.

the good news? my slippy clutch made it okay and i didn't fall asleep on the drive home. this was in fact a potential risk along about 9:30am. in fact i was sleepy enough that i stopped at *blush* mcdonalds for breakfast and coffee.

aside: STAY AWAY from the biscuits at mcd's in the states. man those things are vile and disgusting. the egg mcmuffin proved safe but that biscuit thingy? man *shudder* it was bad. like picked off the egg and dumped the biscuit bad.

anyway i had all these grandiose plans about sleeping early last night but then i ended up closing the climbing gym and dropping by hubris' place on the way home and then my neighbour wanted to gossip about his weekend and boys and then i had to gossip about my weekend and so on and so on and suddenly it has half past one and my eight hours of sleep had become 7 if i fell asleep RIGHT NOW!

which i didn't do.

i did get an excellently restful six and a half hours which caused me to wander around in a daze all day today and yawn at everyone but i'm teaching good classes and i'm in a great mood so they're not too upset about the yawning.

i'm a little worried though because in two minutes flat i have to leave for a session with the goddess and i can't swear i'll stay awake through it. what's funny is that i'm really, really tired but i'm in a fantastic mood.

no dudes fantastic. i had a client that 'wanted to talk' and i was all "oh shit..." and it turns out that he wanted PRIVATE lessons and had no beef. in fact he's feeling much better since he started my classes and i got hit on at the climbing gym and chatted up by some guys who hadn't bothered to talk with me before and i had a great talk with my mom who called 20 minutes after i walked in the door yesterday from my drive and i think i've decided that my clutch will make it whether it wants to or not and that the universe will unfold as it should because, you know? it tends to. in fact i feel free.

amazing what a few days in someone else's life will do to give you perspective on your own.
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god james blunt rocks my world.
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so yeah it's funny. i go see rr and she puts me back together and i resent it. i'm like 'stop making me hurt this much my body works FINE dammit!' and then i go back to killing myself to move some obscure body part an inch or two. we did make some fantastic progress today though and i got a lot of homework to take me through until the next time i get a private with her.

looks to be a while since all my disposable income is tied up in things like rent and buying a clutch. the good news? the homework i got is long term and will take a while so it's all right that she has no space for me again for a bit.

i don't need her nearly as much as most folks that see her do so i'm okay with being fit in when regulars go on vacation. in some ways once a week is too often because the work that we do is so deep and strange that it takes a while to take and implement.
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so. i've taught my last eight thirty am class on a sunday and i didn't even know it. i got replaced as of february first and my boss didn't even tell me. she stuck it on the door of the studio on a poster instead.

don't misunderstand, i totally wanted to drop the class but i wanted to get to tell them that this was happening. i didn't want it to be a poster on the door. these people are loyal to me and have faithfully shown up at 8:30am on sundays for well over a year because of me.

there should have been announcing and not door postering.

maybe that's just me?
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do you ever have the experience of being so alien in a world that all you can really do is sit around and observe it? you'll dip the proverbial toe in the water but you can't dive in because you haven't even learned to wade in that pond?

god i love water, even in metaphor.

anyway i had the pleasure of watching (as part of a larger group) a man i know well interact with his ex and incidentally watching her react to me. funnily i saw a lot of my younger self in her and it made me so relieved not to be in my twenties anymore i can't even tell you.

she is as clearly not over him as he is clearly over her and yet they're both doing this dance around each other thing. she reminds me of a moth dancing around a flame and yet he's clearly no longer willing to be her light so she just keeps burning herself. frankly i think she'd be better off if she stopped hanging out with him altogether, it actually made me kind of sad.

the part that was intriguing for me was watching this woman respond to me... i'm pretty sure she knows who i am AND that he isn't into me that way and yet she spent the entire evening warning me off and marking territory that is no longer hers. irony is that if he WERE into me that way and we had been planning to hook up i think this would have pushed us closer together and thus accomplished the opposite of what she wanted. [for the record she was quite friendly, just marking territory... i in no way want to imply rudeness or meanness from her]

right so, since i am not part of that group i was free to do a lot of sitting in the corner unnoticed or solitary dart playing or whatever and just observe which is not something that usually happens when i'm in a situation where i'm familiar with the players.

usually i'm a member of the group too and it's harder to observe dispassionately. so i learned a lot about human behaviour in that particular few hours of my life and it brings home to me ever more the idea that if a guy isn't going to ask me out i'm not going to chase him.

i'll make myself available for chasing... i'll wear hot clothes and hang out but i'm not making moves. you can have my number but i won't take yours.

why?

because i'm a hell of a handful and i'm pretty sure that if a guy can't muster up the balls to ask for my number or a date or make a move then well... he probably can't keep up with me anyway. there's more to it though. somehow it seems like if you make yourself easy they don't want you.

actually i think that has a lot to do with the kind of woman that i am. i'm difficult and challenging and opinionated but i'm perfectly willing to compromise if you're willing to tell me what you want. what i am not is willing to try and be psychic while figuring out what you want.

my ex was so unaware of what he wanted that it was impossible to get along with him. hell it was even hard to cook for him, he'd tell me after i served him 'oh i don't like blah' when i had JUST SAID that i was cooking that.

*hee* pushed one of my own buttons right there.

anyway the point is that to date me you have to have balls. you just do. i'm the type who will push and push until i hit something unyielding. and i *like* the unyielding you see. course i do also appreciate willingness to compromise and to hear my side of things but.

give me an inch and i'll take a mile if you let me.

[and yes, i get that this is also a recipe for continuing to make friends out of men that i want. but you know what? if they want me back i'm sure we can figure something out...]
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gah this post doesn't feel done but wtf.