on the wagon

.
okay that's it.

i've decided to take a moratorium on dating. well okay that isn't quite what i mean, i will date anyone who asks and isn't utterly repulsive or married/taken but since tr and i split up i've had a grand total of 8 dates. one doesn't count in my personal opinion because we went out for tea after drumming and had a great time and then he asked me for my number and never called.

clarity considers this a date and my numbers are pathetic enough that i'm willing to count it.

okay and two dates with climber guy from okcupid who was a putz and five really fun dates with johnny who is a fucking excellent human except that we have no spark.

in that time i have also met several men to whom i was attracted and several men that i thought were attracted to me. a couple of times both of those were the same man even.

and i've been wrong every single time.

no, every one.

they either asked for my number but didn't call, led me on, didn't ask for my number, lied about being into me, flirted shamelessly but never followed up, didn't ever get around to asking me out, started asking for advice about girls or just started dating someone else.

that last one was actually the easiest. wondering why the jerk who asked for your number after what seemed like a great couple of hours together didn't call? that one sucks.

wondering why someone would lead you down a path until you finally tell them to put up or shut up and they claim they were never on the path in the first place? ridiculous.

wondering why people would do everything in the world to indicate they were into me but never make a move? confusing.

wondering why i keep thinking that men are into me when they aren't? why all i seem able to do is make a friend out of men i find attractive? why all of my friends tell me i'm amazing and they can't figure out why i'm single? wondering when i lost all ability to grok actual flirting?

why all the men i know think of me as basically a guy who gives good advice about girls?

i could blame it on being fat for a long time except no, not fat anymore.

i could blame it on being intimidatingly smart except no, my sister is brainier than i am and she found a lovely AND smart man to date. [besides johnny says i have a friendly brilliance :)]

i could blame it on being too self confident but fuck i'm thirty four years old am i really expected to be a twittering teenager to get dates?

i could blame it on lack of makeup but that isn't hurting mg any and wearing mascara hasn't made me any more attractive to men.

i could have blamed it on my overly short and dykey hair except it hit it's perfect length recently and is currently curling all over my head. and it's been non dykey for at least a year. [and lesbians don't ask me out either]

i could blame it on my height. i mean there are enough men out there that don't want to date a woman who is taller than they are or even the same height. that said there's lots of men taller than 5'11 or the same height and i've dated shorter before.

i could blame it on a million things but i don't think that's it. i think i have the anti-pheremone. i think i have some magic scent chemical that actually says 'unfuckable' or 'just friends' or 'don't be into me'

in fact i think i stuck it in there after tr because life was hell at the end with him. it was really bad and i really needed time to heal free from the distractions of men or dating. but that's been done with for a long time. i mean hell we split up three years ago in june. that's a while. that's almost twice as long as the relationship actually was.

trust me, i'm healed.

but i don't know how to heal my pheremones.

and if one more fucking person says 'just wait' or 'you have lots of time' or 'when you least expect it' i'm going to fucking beat them to a bloody pulp.

there is nothing more frustrating than staring your biological clock in the face (because 35 is a magic number for scary statistics whether we like it or not) and having some thirty year old mother of three say 'oh but sweetie you have lots of time'

no, i don't. so fuck off.

and as for least expecting it? THREE YEARS people. three years without a single legitimate prospect. i think i'm allowed to believe that it's getting steadily more unlikely with each passing day.

now if someone who is 50 and single tells me i have lots of time i'm at least thinking they have a right to an opinion. but when someone in their twenties starts lecturing me about it it really makes me want to hit them. they have no fucking idea of what i'm looking at and they stand there and patronize me. this is especially irritating when they're married with kids already.

i know i have lots of time to find a RELATIONSHIP okay? but i want kids and i'm really not excited about doing that alone. this leaves some truly unpalatable options doesn't it?

anyway i'm done. no more crushes, no more interests, no more making friends with attractive men, no nothing. if you want me then ask me out. otherwise? fuck off.
.

in other news i learned something hellaciously cool yesterday.

my teacher has decided that my seventh cervical vertabra is too high and is teaching me to drop it in relation to my breastbone. so there i'm sitting thinking about lowering my C7/T1 [lowest cervical vertebra/highest thoracic vertebra] and at the same time lifting my breastbone and it WORKED!

yeah i know. so weird.

but it gets weirder. i mention to her that when we do swan (picture legs on the ground, back arched forward and reaching up, head up, straight arms touching the floor straight down from shoulders. uh lie on your tummy with your hands at your shoulders and lift your head but keep your legs down and do this with a curved back. do NOT do what i just said it's not how you do it and it's a hella advanced move and you'll hurt yourself... i'm trying to give you an image) i feel like i get two thirds of the way up and then something stops working for a second and then the rest of the way is fine.

so she gets me to do it a few times and then starts to manipulate my spine some (she's in training for osteopath too) and gets me to do a few things and she eventually figures out that my third lumbar vertebra (L3 for short) is rotated horizontally.

so she messes a little and aligns it and then she puts her thumb on it and says 'horizontally rotate this right' (okay after a long explanation of the bone and how it looks and sits) and i did.

no seriously.

i rotated ONE bone in my spine under my own conscious control and i did it several times which makes it real.

ONE BONE!

how the fuck is that even possible?