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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

on the wagon

.
okay that's it.

i've decided to take a moratorium on dating. well okay that isn't quite what i mean, i will date anyone who asks and isn't utterly repulsive or married/taken but since tr and i split up i've had a grand total of 8 dates. one doesn't count in my personal opinion because we went out for tea after drumming and had a great time and then he asked me for my number and never called.

clarity considers this a date and my numbers are pathetic enough that i'm willing to count it.

okay and two dates with climber guy from okcupid who was a putz and five really fun dates with johnny who is a fucking excellent human except that we have no spark.

in that time i have also met several men to whom i was attracted and several men that i thought were attracted to me. a couple of times both of those were the same man even.

and i've been wrong every single time.

no, every one.

they either asked for my number but didn't call, led me on, didn't ask for my number, lied about being into me, flirted shamelessly but never followed up, didn't ever get around to asking me out, started asking for advice about girls or just started dating someone else.

that last one was actually the easiest. wondering why the jerk who asked for your number after what seemed like a great couple of hours together didn't call? that one sucks.

wondering why someone would lead you down a path until you finally tell them to put up or shut up and they claim they were never on the path in the first place? ridiculous.

wondering why people would do everything in the world to indicate they were into me but never make a move? confusing.

wondering why i keep thinking that men are into me when they aren't? why all i seem able to do is make a friend out of men i find attractive? why all of my friends tell me i'm amazing and they can't figure out why i'm single? wondering when i lost all ability to grok actual flirting?

why all the men i know think of me as basically a guy who gives good advice about girls?

i could blame it on being fat for a long time except no, not fat anymore.

i could blame it on being intimidatingly smart except no, my sister is brainier than i am and she found a lovely AND smart man to date. [besides johnny says i have a friendly brilliance :)]

i could blame it on being too self confident but fuck i'm thirty four years old am i really expected to be a twittering teenager to get dates?

i could blame it on lack of makeup but that isn't hurting mg any and wearing mascara hasn't made me any more attractive to men.

i could have blamed it on my overly short and dykey hair except it hit it's perfect length recently and is currently curling all over my head. and it's been non dykey for at least a year. [and lesbians don't ask me out either]

i could blame it on my height. i mean there are enough men out there that don't want to date a woman who is taller than they are or even the same height. that said there's lots of men taller than 5'11 or the same height and i've dated shorter before.

i could blame it on a million things but i don't think that's it. i think i have the anti-pheremone. i think i have some magic scent chemical that actually says 'unfuckable' or 'just friends' or 'don't be into me'

in fact i think i stuck it in there after tr because life was hell at the end with him. it was really bad and i really needed time to heal free from the distractions of men or dating. but that's been done with for a long time. i mean hell we split up three years ago in june. that's a while. that's almost twice as long as the relationship actually was.

trust me, i'm healed.

but i don't know how to heal my pheremones.

and if one more fucking person says 'just wait' or 'you have lots of time' or 'when you least expect it' i'm going to fucking beat them to a bloody pulp.

there is nothing more frustrating than staring your biological clock in the face (because 35 is a magic number for scary statistics whether we like it or not) and having some thirty year old mother of three say 'oh but sweetie you have lots of time'

no, i don't. so fuck off.

and as for least expecting it? THREE YEARS people. three years without a single legitimate prospect. i think i'm allowed to believe that it's getting steadily more unlikely with each passing day.

now if someone who is 50 and single tells me i have lots of time i'm at least thinking they have a right to an opinion. but when someone in their twenties starts lecturing me about it it really makes me want to hit them. they have no fucking idea of what i'm looking at and they stand there and patronize me. this is especially irritating when they're married with kids already.

i know i have lots of time to find a RELATIONSHIP okay? but i want kids and i'm really not excited about doing that alone. this leaves some truly unpalatable options doesn't it?

anyway i'm done. no more crushes, no more interests, no more making friends with attractive men, no nothing. if you want me then ask me out. otherwise? fuck off.
.

in other news i learned something hellaciously cool yesterday.

my teacher has decided that my seventh cervical vertabra is too high and is teaching me to drop it in relation to my breastbone. so there i'm sitting thinking about lowering my C7/T1 [lowest cervical vertebra/highest thoracic vertebra] and at the same time lifting my breastbone and it WORKED!

yeah i know. so weird.

but it gets weirder. i mention to her that when we do swan (picture legs on the ground, back arched forward and reaching up, head up, straight arms touching the floor straight down from shoulders. uh lie on your tummy with your hands at your shoulders and lift your head but keep your legs down and do this with a curved back. do NOT do what i just said it's not how you do it and it's a hella advanced move and you'll hurt yourself... i'm trying to give you an image) i feel like i get two thirds of the way up and then something stops working for a second and then the rest of the way is fine.

so she gets me to do it a few times and then starts to manipulate my spine some (she's in training for osteopath too) and gets me to do a few things and she eventually figures out that my third lumbar vertebra (L3 for short) is rotated horizontally.

so she messes a little and aligns it and then she puts her thumb on it and says 'horizontally rotate this right' (okay after a long explanation of the bone and how it looks and sits) and i did.

no seriously.

i rotated ONE bone in my spine under my own conscious control and i did it several times which makes it real.

ONE BONE!

how the fuck is that even possible?

41 Comments:

Blogger stoned.nerd said...

whooohooo. i like reading this entry, sass, though i dont like whats happening to you regarding the dating scene.

guys eh. okay i'd better keep my mouth shut on this one.

2/08/2006 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2/08/2006 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

The first part (dating etc.) - :( Sorry girl, I don't know what to say. You rock, and I'll leave it there.

That last part - holy shit. That is so fucking cool!

2/08/2006 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Yep, love sucks ass. 99% of the time its unrequited, the other 1% of the time its insane. I hate to hear you so down.

After spark there is always a choice. Yes I will fall in love, no I will not allow myself to fall in love. Many things can play into that choice. I can't speak for anyone else, but once I make my choice, it is not reversible. How you might help sway a persons choice one way or another I have no idea.

I'd guess that at least one of those past potential guys reads you blog and knows that he's in a different place in his life in regards to the whole child rearing thing. Thats a pretty major hurtle to jump with for most men. The others, who knows what their hang-ups are. I'm guessing it's not an anti-pheramone though.

The spine thing sounds almost as cool as having a super power. Good luck with whole not not dating thing. I hope that one of your hot clients surprises you with an admission of a secret crush and the two of you live happily ever after.

2/08/2006 01:57:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nerd: it was sort of cathartic to write actually. and i wouldn't worry too much about me, i'm not refusing to date just refusing to give a shit until there's a clear signal of interest.

please don't shut your mouth.


matt: yeah and you're married and live in san diego. which makes you typical of the people who find me attractive.

yeah man i rotated my fucking vertabra all by itself. is that shit even possible?


lsd: my choices aren't reversible either. that said, i don't make a habit of leading people on for months on end while i contemplate.

it's quite possible that at least one of those past potentials reads my blog, that said, it's the lying and the leading on i can't forgive, not the part where he doesn't like me the same way i liked him. that part i'm pretty used to.

i guess it comes down to respect. if you treat me with respect we'll stay friends even if we don't date. if you don't? then join the queue over there marked fuck off.

and yes, the spine thing is fantastic. i didn't say i wouldn't date. i said i refuse to give a flying fuck until there is a CLEAR indication of interest that goes something like:

"would you like to go on a date with me"
or
"i'm interested in getting to know you for the purposes or dating"
or
"insert clear message here"

no more of this nebulous unclear bullshit.



everyone else who is worried about me. i'm fine, i've just put a little shield up around my heart because the unrequited interests are killing me.

i'm perfectly willing to date. what i am not is willing to be dangled from a string for months. put up or shut up.

that's it.

2/08/2006 02:19:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

"if you want me then ask me out. otherwise? fuck off."

man oh man... i SO know where you are with the dating stuff. i'm in the exact same place. it's actually kind of peaceful. i just worry sometimes about getting stuck here, but i figure, this is a time for me to grow.

2/08/2006 04:59:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: most of the women i know are in the same position actually. and i have to say that i sympathise with all of us.

it is kind of peaceful it's just that i've been here off and on for three years. there was about 18 months of that three years where i was actively interested in people that i thought were dateable but i'm just not willing to do that anymore.

i cannot take the stomping any more. clear interest. that's it.

2/08/2006 05:20:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

WOW! So, I would guess you've gotten the chemical flame retardant out for that spark, no?

I have noticed that the whole dating scene has gotten a bit 'messy' for you. And, I think I even gathered the mixed messages and inuendos that have you so flustered.

Shielding the heart is important when you've got the wrong ideas over and over again... and although we wait patiently for a clear message, it always almost never happens.

I know, you know this. Wanna borrow my armor for awhile? Let me know. I'm always lurking somewhere.

2/08/2006 05:40:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

hey sass....amen to your lil comment. you know which one :)

2/08/2006 06:54:00 PM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

Women can be pretty darn confusing too.

2/08/2006 07:55:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

everything nice said it best when she said, "WOW!"

seriously

2/08/2006 08:47:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

People are unpredictable.
That's what makes it completely rational to be afraid of us.

My friend Ted taught me that, in a time of upset not unlike this one is for you. You keep trying to gaze into that crystal ball and you're gonna find that divination is a rather imprecise art. I'd gotten so dependant on mine it took months of admitting that I didn't have one to even begin to approach any kind of comfort with other people again.

I miss Ted. You'd like him.

Mike, that was inspired by your comment, about the confusion inheirant in dealing with women as well as men.

People suck. That's why I'm glad I'm simply a long pig. ;)

2/08/2006 08:49:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn! said...

this may be completely lame...but have you thought of expanding your geographical boundaries of where to expose yourself to be found by a date?

2/08/2006 09:01:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: thanks! (and hee!)

dude it is unbelievable how badly some people are willing to play other people. unfortunately i have now confused the shit out of someone else so i have some 'splaining to do (in email of course)

what is even more unbelievable is just how bad i am at reading signals. i mean damm i thought i was pretty good, hell i even managed to get married once and engaged another once. one would think i could catch a pass but i'm trying to catch the non-existant ones and not catching the ones staring me in the face.

i have clearly lost the ability to figure shit out and therefore i have to back off. i don't see what else i can do.

mmmm armor.


elle: i do actually :)


mike: i'm sorry. i can tell you we don't tend to mean to be and that i am a fan of the direct answer to the direct question. sometimes though people don't even get that they've been asked a question.


hubris: thanks dude.


md: oh man
oh man

what a GREAT line. you should do a truth post of your own and title it with that.

i'm mostly just sad at this point. it's never fun to realise that someone isn't who you thought they were. it's even less fun to wander around wondering what other blinders you're wearing.

i'm not really trying to be crystal ball girl you know, i just thought i knew how to read signals and have had it categorically made clear to me repeatedly that i have no fucking clue. that's sort of weird.

my job is to read people and i'm good at it. why am i so bad at it in my personal life?

where is ted?

and md you're so right, women suck just as much. you know i get that long pig reference as a distant bell in the back of my head.

clarity please.

2/08/2006 09:21:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Erm... I cannot even begin to...no I mean, really...I have no words that live even near the vicinity of trying to explain to you just how fucking amazed.. no, no, no....really AMAZED...not the amazed that people just say... as in "that is amazing," which really means that is cool... I am really AMAZED at the shit that you, miss sass, do with your body.

It is so beyond my level of comprehension that I think you are speaking another language and I am just in a trance listening to you.

OK..now that I am done gushing about your mastery of your body... on to the dating thing.

I hate it when people tell me I have time. First, I didn't ask. And second, do they know when I am gonna die? Do they know something I don't? Cause if they do then they MUST share... no, really... MUST. But since I assume they don't and they are just saying somethng to placate me even though I don't need placating, they are just being condescending and other choice words.

Look...you do what feels right for you. Maybe someone will come along when you are not looking... maybe you will find someone while you are looking at profiles online. No one knows, and that's kind of the fun part. If you need time off cause you are burnt out...so be it. If you want to go on a date every day of the week, I am all for it.

And dude...any man would be lucky to have you...they are just to stupid to know this.

:)

-N

2/08/2006 10:10:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

N-
placation sucks.
Seriously, placate me once, I'll let it go.

Placate me twice and I'll assume you think I'm an idiot.

Last time I used that word, the context was: "Don't fucking placate me." ;)

Ever notice how some words lose all sense when you repeat them many, many times?

Sass- All I can think of is that amateur comics quote and professionals steal...

That truth was a hard time in coming. And I know that you don't think you have a crystal ball...neither did I, really, but it was a time of great upheaval that caused me to realize that everything I once thought was true had been spunsideways, so to speak.

The Ted story is longish and right now, tender, but I'm sure you'll hear it.

2/08/2006 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jenn: okcupid doesn't restrict who sees your profile, in fact it randomly matches you up with someone once a week.

2/08/2006 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

MD-

Right on dude!!! That is one of my mottos... "Don't fucking placate me!"

-N

2/08/2006 10:46:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: damm girl. thank you. what's neat about this is that's how *I* feel when my teacher talks to me. i'm like 'okay your goddessness, whatever you say your goddessness, anything else? and my body? it listens to her before it listens to *me*'

that's me in a nutshell. maybe they think they have time, and that's fine for them. i'm glad for them really. but don't tell me what i do and don't have. i'm living my life and all i really want is for listening and some sympathy. i don't need you to pretend to care and not even listen.

i love your attitude can i tell you that? i love how you can agree with me and disagree with me and do it in a way that's funny and interesting either way.

also? thanks for that. i appreciate the idea that people would be lucky do date me. i mean i like to think that but you know, feels egoey.


md: that's sorta like 'fool me once etc' only better

so you're a professional comic then? otherwise you come up with some great lines. i always steal lines but i tell the person that i'm thieving from them. and then use them shamelessly :)

i really look forward to you telling me the story of your blogname someday. it sounds interesting.

as for ted, fair enough :)

2/08/2006 11:05:00 PM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

Sassy, you are a good girl. You are so right about something. All of us here on the internet are great friends, but we aren't real friends. If Elle's computer broke, she'd be gone. If Matt got sick of blogging, he'd be gone.

The only way you (and this goes for everyone by the way...listen up) are going to find your guy (or gal)is to keep risking your heart. Keep getting it broken. Then keep picking up the pieces and put them back together.
Treat each relationship as if it's your first. Don't let the crap that happened in past relationships affect your current ones. If every guy (or gal) lies to you when he says he loves you, then still give every new person a chance.

Don't become jaded. Close your heart to the ones that phucked you around and open it to the rest of the world that's waiting, just waiting, to meet you.

Flirt, flirt, flirt. Flirt like a 15 year-old.

Don't stop dating.

Give Othercat a hug. He's your friend, in the real world. He's worth more than the rest of us put together.

And wear sunscreen.

2/08/2006 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

Dammit why isn't there an edit feature in the comments section. I meant to say Othercat is worth more TO YOU than the rest of us put together.

2/08/2006 11:31:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

mike: dammit i hate being a good girl. but i are one.

i have a lot of real friends on the internet but i've known most of them for a long time. cast and i were friends for probably 5 years before we met years back. i've known a few online folks for over ten years now and though we don't talk often we talk well.

that said, i don't really count internet friends as real until i've known them for at least a year.

dude i am totally willing to keep risking my heart. i just... i have to hold it back a little and use my head too. or approach with caution or circle the field once first or something.

i try to approach each relationship like i've never been burned before but i'm only human. some hurts are still there and cause sensitivity. some are old and well traveled now.

i really do trust everyone and wait to get burned. i have some great friends because of that and i've been burned badly too. i still try to stay true and open and sincere.

i think i'm a realist but hopeful. a lot of people call me naive so i think i'm all right in the not jaded. i do have my moments.

i love flirting i really do. it's how i communicate. i just have trouble seeing if it's really reciprocated or not.

i think i might have a coffee date next tuesday actually. :)

i love othercat. he rocks the planet. i also see hubris and mighty doll and lividviv and princess valium on a quite regular basis.

do you guys want hugs?

sunscreen makes me burn. how about a hat?

2/08/2006 11:42:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

that's what i assumed you meant.

2/08/2006 11:42:00 PM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

Sorry I was trying to help you to see the beauty around you but I kind of lost focus a bit and it came off sounding like that "wear sunscreen" song, which was why I threw in that last line.

I, and everyone else here, can give you advice, but none of us can fix the bruises.
We can care for you though, empathize, sympathize, give you verbal hugs and let you know you aren't alone.

And if this doesn't cheer you up, nothing will:
The Smashing Pumpkins are back together and in the recording studio!!

2/09/2006 12:01:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

mike: i like to imagine that my eyes are open to the beauty around me. imagine being the key word in that sentence.

there's a song?

the bruises heal though see. and some of them leave scars so you remember the lessons that you learned. and sometimes there is no lesson and no understanding and still somehow that's important too

but the bruises still suck while you have them. funny that i wear bruises on my skin like badges.

i love how supportive the blogverse is.

wow. i think you might like the pumpkins? :)

2/09/2006 12:19:00 AM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2/09/2006 12:40:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

i don't get it either, if i was a bloke, or a lesbian, and lived on the right side of the world, i'd ask you out in a heartbeat.

Only advice I have is lay it on the line at the beginning of every date - not saying tell them you want their children - just ask them to be honest from the get go. Can I ask how your meeting men? Dating services? Online? In general? Just curious, no real reason for my prob far too personal questions, feel free to tell to get nicked!

2/09/2006 02:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, I'm sorry you are hurting like this. I know very intimately how you feel and were it not 2:00 a.m., I'd buy you a peanut-butter cone from Baskin Robbins.

But holy fuck I wrote the longest, most inspirational comment ever. I actually worked on it until 2 a.m. and thought it was pretty tight.

And then with a single keyswipe, it is gone. Permanently. Man. I suppose the universe is trying to tell me to go to bed instead of waxing on like that Rosanjin Scholar judge on Iron Chef.

Anyway, I'll give you my thoughts on Saturday, or before if you want to chat/rant/meditate.

--PV

2/09/2006 02:03:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

only have a sec, client is arriving.

deb: thanks darlin'

i like to think i'm worth catching it's just that the events of my recent life don't really seem to bear this out. i mean hell, THREE years.

heh
that's a good plan.

dating sites, climbing, in general, parties etc

:)

2/09/2006 10:02:00 AM  
Blogger R. U. Serious said...

I fear that Scary Personals is causing this to be an epidemic.

2/09/2006 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger art said...

Have you tried a dateing site? Friends? What about old boyfriends you liked in high-school? peace~art

2/09/2006 11:22:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

PV: i'm not really hurting so much as just tired of allowing people to step on my heart. so i'm going to hold it back a smidgen that's all. that said?? peanut butter chocolate crack!

well i'd love to hear your thoughts dude, we'll have to take a 'walk' on saturday night and chat as we uh walk *grin*

if you click back in the comments box SOMETIMES you get your comment back. SOMETIMES

i'm around uh... fuck not really. oh and i have to talk to othercat about saturday pre party time. must do that now...


RUS: you are most likely correct.


art: yes, yes, not a chance :)

i don't know a single person that i knew in high school and i like it that way.

2/09/2006 12:17:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Well the reason I can disagree with you and it's all good is because we are both intelligent people who understand that we do not need to agree on everything in order to really like each other.

I hate it when people put out ideas and then don't like it when people comment and disagree. Of course I would be pissed...and have been...when poeple are disrespectful to me or people who visit my blog. But differences make us richer :)

At least that's my experience... hehe

-N

2/09/2006 01:12:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: that's it exactly. i don't have to agree with you i only have to respect your opinion and all you have to do is the same thing in return.

which you do. i think it's why we like each other so much.

me too me too! if you didn't want to hear the other side of your argument then you shouldn't have made it. it's especially funny in blogland actually.

but yeah, it all comes back to respect doesn't it?

2/09/2006 01:13:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

Mike: aMEN, and yet, it can be so hard to trust after a few good burns...

2/09/2006 03:43:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

md: word sister

2/09/2006 03:56:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

blogger ate my comment!

it was long! it was insightful! it was comedic, yet poignant

okay i'm full of shit. but blogger ate my comment, for serious.

but i do know how you feel (now that i've had an actual 5 minnutes to sit down and read the post)...i'm at 2 years of NOTHING, and it's not looking any brighter. i do have age on my side, but that said...i'm jewish...my biological clock yells at me like i'm 35.

sadly? absolutely nothing you can do. and there's nothing anyone can say to make *you* feel more at ease with the situation (or maybe i'm just that head strong and stubborn).

have faith. that's all i can say. it all happens for a reason.

2/09/2006 05:27:00 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

Aww...Sass....all I can offer you is a hug!

2/09/2006 08:49:00 PM  
Blogger Earthworm said...

Me too

2/09/2006 09:13:00 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

It's the man. It's always the man, just trying to keep a good woman down.

2/09/2006 09:40:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: dude that sucks. waht sucks for me is that it happened to you and PV and you both write great comments.

i'm already backing off my extreme position, see post am currently working on.

thanks for the sympathy dude, it's funny how just knowing there's other people out there in a similar boat makes it easier to be in.

if you are? i am too that headstrong and stubborn. and yeah, i trust the universe, i just rail at it sometimes.


sign: thanks babe! *huggs* always appreciated.


mike: thanks :)


cas: hee. sometimes i think there are still an awful lot of men like that.

2/09/2006 11:33:00 PM  

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