aswirl

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i'm feeling all swirly right now.

also i'm watching hockey so you're only getting half my attention. i'm tempted to leave in all my typos since i'm typing while watching hockey and rarely looking at the screen.

anyway swirly.

the universe has seen fit to present me with a lot of possibilities in a very short time...

which tends to be it's wont. i mean if it's easy then you aren't sure what you want. but if it's hard and you have to make decisions?

then you know what you're after.

funny thing is that i could (i just fixed a typo but i did it all without looking, those ones i'm allowed to fix) be talking about work or dating or friends or climbing or all of the above and it doesn't matter. it's the swirly that matters.

i have so much stuff to think about that i can hardly focus on any one thing. earlier today i was talking to my dealer and i just zoned out and into a commercial. i was gone. gone enough that he noticed and people rarely catch me at that.

damm this game is getting good. it was 3-1 anaheim but now it's 3-2 and calgary is playing well. this second period is totally working for them. erk penalty, too many men on the ice. that's a stupid shitty assed penalty.

okay so i have a pile of shit in my head right now and my brain feels sort of full. it's weird, i don't usually hit thread capacity very often. in fact i'm usually idling on at least a few tracks but right now nope, not so much.

some of the stuff in my head is good, some of it is okay, some of it is client based and some of it is kinda shitty. and a lot of it i don't have any control over whatsoever.

which is most likely to serve to remind me that there is no sense worrying about the things you can't control. but it also won't really stop me. i know this damm well. worrying is one of the most senseless things you can do to yourself. it's a major waste of energy.

we're talking the most pointless use of energy there is. and yet still we do it.

i definetely do it more when i'm worried about money. which i am a gbit right this minute beecause i had to pay for a workshop and for my teacher insurance in the same month. and i wasn't expecting the insurance. i thought that was may or june for some reason.

ah well, that will be fine in a couple of weeeks.

i typo more when the hockey is good.

that's one of the few things in my head i'm actually going to discuss and one of the few that isn't positive, most of the rest of it is either good or at least not bad. but it's funny because there are things that have been owning a few of my 'aware of most of the time' tracks for a while and they've been dropped into the depths of history.

that alone feels really strange. you almost get used to the tracks that live on the front burner of your brain. they become like old friends. so when you look up one day and they're gone? it's strange.

as you can imagine a lot of crap has happened recently.

and i'm having trouble talking out loud. it turns out that the ability to speak is currently being superseded by the stuff that i'm thinking about. that never happens and it's really strange.

i hadn't actually realised that talking wasn't one of the priority tracks. i keep having to sort of force my attention into the conversations that i'm in.

and all this time i thought that i was a natural extrovert *shaking head*

please note that i am not complaining, in fact i'm in an excellent mood right now, i'm just having trouble talking. i'm all in my head and ddddddddthinking about the way my life is going and i'm enjoying the contemplation.

it's just.

it's hard to teach when your brain is trying to lock up all your tracks in little think bubbles. it turns out that you need a few free tracks in order to function in the universe. i think that i'm really finding my inner introvert these days and while i quite like her and the way she thinks before she talks it's making teaching a lot harder.

sometimes i don't answer the phone because i can't make words.
sometimes i have to leave my friends' company for the same reason.
regularly i find myself in a corner just watching the room.

i think one of the neatest things about getting older is how you get different parts of yourself in the forefront. it's sort of like you're a bonsai tree.

when you're young you can grow any which way because you're just growing but as you get older you start pruning and encouraging other bits to grow. you go after the things that work for you and try to let go fo the things that don't.

you pay attention to the ways you grow naturally and the parts that are hard and you turn yourself into the tree you wish to be. of course the things that form you help to determine your shape, you're not the only one influencing how you're made.

*sigh* flames lost. series is even. i'm actually starting to think i should cheer against the teams that i like *rueful laugh*

some parts of you will sprout and be killed
some will be encouraged to sprout
still others will grow as if they were always there
sometimes you'll grow a branch into another tree
occasionally pieces will slough off naturally
branches from other trees will be grafted on
walls will appear
nodes and forks will appear magically
light will be stronger in parts of you than others
and suddenly they're you'll be

this dense little tree shaped exactly like no one else in the world.