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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Sunday, April 23, 2006

aswirl

.
i'm feeling all swirly right now.

also i'm watching hockey so you're only getting half my attention. i'm tempted to leave in all my typos since i'm typing while watching hockey and rarely looking at the screen.

anyway swirly.

the universe has seen fit to present me with a lot of possibilities in a very short time...

which tends to be it's wont. i mean if it's easy then you aren't sure what you want. but if it's hard and you have to make decisions?

then you know what you're after.

funny thing is that i could (i just fixed a typo but i did it all without looking, those ones i'm allowed to fix) be talking about work or dating or friends or climbing or all of the above and it doesn't matter. it's the swirly that matters.

i have so much stuff to think about that i can hardly focus on any one thing. earlier today i was talking to my dealer and i just zoned out and into a commercial. i was gone. gone enough that he noticed and people rarely catch me at that.

damm this game is getting good. it was 3-1 anaheim but now it's 3-2 and calgary is playing well. this second period is totally working for them. erk penalty, too many men on the ice. that's a stupid shitty assed penalty.

okay so i have a pile of shit in my head right now and my brain feels sort of full. it's weird, i don't usually hit thread capacity very often. in fact i'm usually idling on at least a few tracks but right now nope, not so much.

some of the stuff in my head is good, some of it is okay, some of it is client based and some of it is kinda shitty. and a lot of it i don't have any control over whatsoever.

which is most likely to serve to remind me that there is no sense worrying about the things you can't control. but it also won't really stop me. i know this damm well. worrying is one of the most senseless things you can do to yourself. it's a major waste of energy.

we're talking the most pointless use of energy there is. and yet still we do it.

i definetely do it more when i'm worried about money. which i am a gbit right this minute beecause i had to pay for a workshop and for my teacher insurance in the same month. and i wasn't expecting the insurance. i thought that was may or june for some reason.

ah well, that will be fine in a couple of weeeks.

i typo more when the hockey is good.

that's one of the few things in my head i'm actually going to discuss and one of the few that isn't positive, most of the rest of it is either good or at least not bad. but it's funny because there are things that have been owning a few of my 'aware of most of the time' tracks for a while and they've been dropped into the depths of history.

that alone feels really strange. you almost get used to the tracks that live on the front burner of your brain. they become like old friends. so when you look up one day and they're gone? it's strange.

as you can imagine a lot of crap has happened recently.

and i'm having trouble talking out loud. it turns out that the ability to speak is currently being superseded by the stuff that i'm thinking about. that never happens and it's really strange.

i hadn't actually realised that talking wasn't one of the priority tracks. i keep having to sort of force my attention into the conversations that i'm in.

and all this time i thought that i was a natural extrovert *shaking head*

please note that i am not complaining, in fact i'm in an excellent mood right now, i'm just having trouble talking. i'm all in my head and ddddddddthinking about the way my life is going and i'm enjoying the contemplation.

it's just.

it's hard to teach when your brain is trying to lock up all your tracks in little think bubbles. it turns out that you need a few free tracks in order to function in the universe. i think that i'm really finding my inner introvert these days and while i quite like her and the way she thinks before she talks it's making teaching a lot harder.

sometimes i don't answer the phone because i can't make words.
sometimes i have to leave my friends' company for the same reason.
regularly i find myself in a corner just watching the room.

i think one of the neatest things about getting older is how you get different parts of yourself in the forefront. it's sort of like you're a bonsai tree.

when you're young you can grow any which way because you're just growing but as you get older you start pruning and encouraging other bits to grow. you go after the things that work for you and try to let go fo the things that don't.

you pay attention to the ways you grow naturally and the parts that are hard and you turn yourself into the tree you wish to be. of course the things that form you help to determine your shape, you're not the only one influencing how you're made.

*sigh* flames lost. series is even. i'm actually starting to think i should cheer against the teams that i like *rueful laugh*

some parts of you will sprout and be killed
some will be encouraged to sprout
still others will grow as if they were always there
sometimes you'll grow a branch into another tree
occasionally pieces will slough off naturally
branches from other trees will be grafted on
walls will appear
nodes and forks will appear magically
light will be stronger in parts of you than others
and suddenly they're you'll be

this dense little tree shaped exactly like no one else in the world.

27 Comments:

Blogger HuneeB said...

Damn I am lost in my own tree...I'll come back, wow.

4/24/2006 02:15:00 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

oh yeah I love being first.

4/24/2006 02:15:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

what I enjoy most about coming to your blog is the stream-of-consciousness writing that at first seems all over the place and uncontrolled but then, as you continue to read, you just get caught up in the flow and everything just melds to the the journey the brain is taking whilst reading ...

the style is engaging, entertaining and, I think, really gives your readers a true glimpse of you.

thanks for continuing to blog, darlin' :)

4/24/2006 04:48:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

We are synchronized...I too have a lot to think about and about life and changes. I think at some point I will share what is going on but it's early and I know I am saving myself some grief by keeping this to myself for now.

But this new thing in my life has started to make me think about the future and possibilities and what ifs... and you are right, they lock your mind and sometimes you worry but you are worrying about the waht ifs and the future because there really isn't anything to tangible to worry about at the moment.

Ugh...I hope this makes sense...cause it does in my head but it's also hard to explain when I am keeping the main issue or element out of the conversation cause I am not ready to talk about it.

*le sigh*

-N

4/24/2006 09:34:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

is anyone else having trouble with the comments on my blog today?


hunee congrats... and what did you find in your tree?


dzer: damm dude, that's a high compliment coming from an actual journalist. even better coming from 'the' dzer. :)

you're welcome, and uh... wow, like i said, nice compliments.


nat: yeah that's just what i am doing as well with several things. but they will come out in my blog of that i'm certain... they're just not ready yet.

new thing has you thinking about the future? verrrrry interesting, interesting enough that i'm tempted to email you and demand hints *grin* and then share mine... actually i'm gonna *grin*

and yes, that's exactly the kind of worrying that i'm doing and what a waste of time that is! and yet? i think some of it is just us trying out new patterns to see which ones we like.

it does make sense, because that's what i'm doing too :)
hee *le sigh*

4/24/2006 01:24:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

...

worry is the mini version of anxiety. To just relax is something I'm slowly learning.

did you write the last paragraph?

beautifully poetic...

4/24/2006 01:50:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

it's funny because i think of worrying and anxiety the other way around... but i think you're right.

yes, yes i did... it just sort of popped out.

thanks!

4/24/2006 01:52:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

I've been writing lately too. I'm fascinated to see what will become of it.

4/24/2006 02:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

that's probably my favourite part about blogging... how it just turns us all into writers and lets us find our inner voices...

4/24/2006 02:27:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Oh an yes I was having issues with the comment counter...and you have an open invitation to my email inbox anytime and for anything :)

-N

4/24/2006 03:00:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey nat

your email has been attacked...

i too am having comment counter issues but at least it's POSTING the comments now :)

4/24/2006 03:19:00 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Well I tlak all the time, I talk mostly to myself and the tv. I have not that many friends to talk to so I need the release. I'm a nutter, and my roommates I think are fearful it's a sign of bad things about me. I think I just split the tracks and put the audio and mental tracks on together and it runs all the time. My mind, in defense, has found a way to shut it down when I'm awake by substituting songs. When I sleep I hear songs. I have a soundtrack because that's the only thing that kills the constant chatter in my head. Not that sometimes I don't/can't/won't talk. I know all about forcing myself to speak and pay attention - sometimes the inside is more interesting than the outside and you have to find a way to indulge it so you can get back to yourself they way you enjoy it most. Speaking and zoning.

4/24/2006 04:26:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I love the last piece of this post. It's sooo true.

4/24/2006 05:40:00 PM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

nice analogy.. and im not sure if its age... but i agree .. the older i get.. the less i talk (although some of you on blogger comments may disagree.. i jsut feel safer in the comments)

4/24/2006 07:32:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

great post, sass. :)

4/24/2006 07:46:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

I get like that at work, mostly. When there are lots of little things to be dealt with but no one or two immediate projects for my attention. It's like I can't decide which of the little projects to tackle first so I just sit there like DUH and wait for a sign from God or something.

I love that bonsai tree analogy. It's really spot-on if you're a self-aware kinda person.

4/24/2006 09:43:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

amber: i talk to myself all the time.

out loud.

my mom tells stories of dad coming from from work in mid full fledged argument with himself. so i'm afraid.

interesting, i might try that song thing. i have a trick for sleeping that involves random brainstorming and tends to get you in the zone pretty fast.

i think i'm turning more introverted the older i get.


bubbles: thanks, i love it too, i'm not even sure where it came from but out it came when my fingers needed it to. i wonder where my words come from sometimes.


punk: i talk a lot more here than i do out loud these days.

4/24/2006 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

punk : and the blogverse is an easy place to feel safe.


matt: thanks man!


jmai: rofl

i so get like that. stick them all in their own drawer and open them one at a time :)

thanks man, i love it too and i'm glad it popped out of some strange place inside me that's connected cosmically to a really good writer.

bonsai trees are awesome anyway right?

4/24/2006 10:37:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i got my mom and dad matching bonsai tree's (one male, one female) for their anniversary last year...they were so fucking cute. good thing they gave them to my brother to take care of while they were gone and he killed them. speaking of which, he still owes me $180 for that!

anyway...i'm not sure i like where my inner voices are taking my blog world...hmmm

4/24/2006 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Ditto dzer. I love reading your posts becuase it's like a free peek into your brain...and it's a really amazing place to visit.

4/25/2006 12:21:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: oh that sounds beautiful elle, what lovely gifts. my parents travel too much to have plants.

that's shitty that they died though...

i'm curious about your inner voices... we'll see right?


kathi: wow.

wow.

thank you.

4/25/2006 12:44:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

Oh sass, I don't have the energy to be reading properly right now..be back in a few days and see how that head space of yours is doing! Loved the pics though, they were easy!!

4/25/2006 08:25:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

They come from that beautiful creative mind and heart you have.

Really a fantastic piece, it should be spotlighted.... on your side bar.

No kidding, it's fucking awesome. Excuse my english :)

4/25/2006 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

they speak the truth

4/25/2006 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

ditto everyone. i loved this one.

and i look forward to hearing more about the swirl.

4/25/2006 01:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

deb: damm and i didn't even think it was one of my tougher or better posts... but y'all seem to really like it...

cool

heh pics are nice yes, and i love them even more than you do!


bubbles: you're sweet. and i thank you for it... but i swear i'm channeling something sometimes and that was one of them...

the whole piece or just the bit about the little tree?

english on babe!


hubris: thanks!


terry: i did too after a while, but when i first did it i thought it kind of lame.

when the swirl settles i'll let you know what's up... but too many factors are in the air at the moment....

4/25/2006 02:04:00 PM  
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