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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Thursday, April 06, 2006

pursed lips

i have ennui.

ennui: noun. Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest; boredom: “The servants relieved their ennui with gambling and gossip about their masters” (John Barth).

yup that's what i've got. i've got me some ennui. i'm wandering around my life feeling listless and bored even when i'm in the middle of doing something that i love. when i'm out with people or at their places i catch myself staring at the clock so i can leave at the first possible second.

this happens at band practise!!! yeah exactly.

this is not just your run of the mill ennui, this is a full on dose. this is ennui that is almost worthy of a capital e except that i can't be bothered hitting the shift key. this ennui would be legendary if i bothered to write odes to it.

there could be urns.

grecian urns no less!

i don't really know what's causing it exactly. i love my activities and my friends and the things i do to pass the time. i enjoy my television shows but (get this) i'm actually caught up. yeah in december i was eight weeks behind and right now? all caught up. what the heck is up with that?

i only watch television when i don't feel like dealing with humans and suddenly i'm watching a lot of tv. i suppose i could be getting in the hibernating i sort of forgot to do in the winter. what winter? right that explains the not hibernating.

it could be a simple case of spring forward syndrome. you know where everything feels too late and too early and all discombobulated for like two weeks because of the stupid time change? where eating dinner at ten pm seems reasonable?

where you're tired in the afternoon and wide awake at night.

yup, that time change.

it could be my growing sexual frustration. i didn't actually think it was possible for that to grow but who knew. it turns out that every spring i get another layer of bricks and mortar to weigh me down a little more. to make me feel a little shittier for my total lack of sex.

yay. love me some spring.

it could be that along with spring life returns to the village. this means that there are people everywhere and lineups at the bars and that my living room window area is rediscovered as an excellent place to smoke crack or weed.

since my apartment is excessively large this also means that they keep me up half the night with their giggling and shouting and talking. sometimes they fuck outside my window too... and it's never the attractive ones either. those ones seem to be able to find somewhere indoors to boink.

i mean really, who thinks that against the wall of an apartment building is a good place? people live there. we're SLEEPING. i know, so weird. why would you want to consider others in your behaviour?

along with that comes the return of the sunday driver. you know the one i mean, scared of his car, afraid to change lanes, her head stuck to the steering wheel, death grip on said wheel and they seem to think that twenty seven is an excellent speed in the fast lane of the freeway.

what they're looking at scenery, shut up already.

ahhh spring.

oh and i almost forgot, i'm feeling fat as hell lately. i feel fatter today than i did when i was wearing jeans that were four sizes bigger. or even when i was wearing extra large shirts instead of mediums.

i feel fatter than i did when my back fat still made folds between my bra and my waist.

i feel fucking fat. and ugly and boring and lame. and it's pissing me off. i mean really there's no reason for it. i can tell when i look in the mirror that i'm thinner. heck someone called me slender the other day.

and besides? who GIVES A SHIT? like it matters if i'm a little overweight or a lot overweight or fat or not? i mean i was fat and i'm not now and neither one got me anywhere so seriously why do i care?

moreover feeling ugly? i mean seriously that's just plain stupid. hardly anyone likes their own looks but everyone knows lots of attractive people who don't find themselves attractive. hell sometimes i'm amazed at the combination of hair/eyebrow/skin that i have and how striking it is in a mirror.

yeah mirrors.

i have this mirror rule, i'm allowed to look long enough to fix what i'm wearing and not a second longer. otherwise i start to pick and to notice my saddlebags. except i work in pilates studios.

if you haven't had the pleasure of seeing a fitness studio then imagine a wood floor, some pretty coloured walls and a wall full of mirrors. or at least mirrors all over the place. take that and add one insecure pilates instructor with mirror issues and toss it all in a shaker.

decant into martini glass to provide one pilates instructor with growing self esteem issues.

it's weird because when i look at myself with my rational mind i see this mass of happy wavy hair with fantastic skin and cheekbones that used to cut glass and still bruise it. i mean what's not to like? i see a long and lean body with muscles galore and ribs that show through my clothing.

sometimes i'll catch my eye in the mirror and be stunned at that aforementioned eyebrow/hair/skin combination. it's just so many other times i'll notice that my shirt is too short or that my pants aren't quite right for my frame or that my pants emphasize my saddlebags or whatever.

and all of this is true because my clothing is primarily either handed down or was cut for a much shorter woman than i am. because i'm a medium on top i end up with shirts that are too short. or that are long enough but way too big.

no winning for me. don't even get me started on the sleeves.

it's better in yoga clothing because that tends to actually be the right length for me (dancers are allowed to be both long and not fat at the same time... regular women aren't... fat and tall or short and thin... those are your options) but that's just as bad because it's all skintight... and when you're having a fat day the figure hugging stuff does not cut it.

i mean one fat day you can fight with your sexiest outfit. two fat days you can fight with a little shopping for cds or something. a week of fat days and you can go buy stuff from mac but then what?

you can't just keep buying stuff because the old credit card starts to barf. and besides if you use client cash you can very easily spend yourself homeless without even trying. it's so hard to put cash in the bank!

so now it's a string of fat days... and no end in sight.

and for the record i'm not asking for reassurance about my looks. i am rationally aware of the fact that i'm pretty enough... and that some people even think i'm hot. let's see... married people. gay people. women, coupled people, people at the other end of the country/world, people who are otherwise unavailable and twenty year old men. that whole list thinks i'm hot.

tragically none of them are dateable.

and i get it that i'm smart and funny and all that other awesome crap. that in no way takes away from the ennui.

the sheer unadulterated boredom of it all.

there is nothing that i do that doesn't bore me. this is clearly not about what i'm doing and all about how i'm feeling. where the hell is my self esteem?

oh fuck, i bet it went back to jamaica with my sex drive!


Blogger HuneeB said...

I say get high, jump on the bed, blow bubbles, color in a coloring book, go ride a carosel or jump on a trampoline. Be a 6 year old kid for an afternoon or a full day...full on kid, it works wonders!



4/07/2006 02:14:00 AM  
Blogger Dominator said...

I find I have a mirror problem too. I can easily list off 30 things wrong with what I am wearing or how my hair is before I find one thing good.

My pet peeve: on days I don't spend a damn minute doing anything to my hair, face, clothes, whatever... someone at work says "wow! you look great today!" Meaning: on days I make an effort I look like Hell!?

4/07/2006 03:00:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

boredom sucks don't it? Your having fat days, i'm having sleeping days, all I wanna do is sleep....

4/07/2006 03:41:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

this is an expensive fix, but it is a fix:

Buy ticket to Guam. Come to Guam. Hang out with DZER for a day or two. Take lots of pictures. Fly back to frozen Canada. Print pictures of you with DZER and put them all over the place.

Not only will you feel prettier in comparison to the context of the photo, but you'll feel positively matchstick thin!

It works! I've cured hundreds of anorexics! They've left saying, "well shit, I 'll never feel fat again!"


get the ennui outta you-eee

4/07/2006 05:44:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hunee: no way am i jumping on my ridiculously expensive bed, i like ym sleep too much. but the rest of it? sounds awesome.

i know what i'm doing tomorrow!

dom: welcome btw.

wow thirty to one? that's even worse than my 17 to 1 ratio... i feel for you dude that must suck total ass.

oh man ME TOO! i love your hair: "thanks it's bedhead"


and then they tell me i need to wear makeup... but they never tell me i look pretty on those days...

deb: ohhh sleeping days are lovely, but nearly as annoying in the long run as fat days.

dzer: guam sounds great. that said? canada isn't frozen right now, i wore a jean jacket and a hoodie today which makes it officially spring rather than winter.

you know the tragedy of the anorexic? that wouldn't work at all. the only reason i'm not one is because i love food more than i love being thin and let me tell you that when you're around people a lot bigger than you it's more like "oh man, i have to be extra vigilant or i'll gain and end up fat and have to wear clothes like..."

yeah dude it's fucked up.

that said? guam still sounds good... mmmm surfing.

4/07/2006 08:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Princess Valium said...

Man, I know how you feel. Have you considered the possibility that the fact that it hasn't stopped raining for close to week could be influencing your ennui?

Case in point... it's 9:22 a.m., and I'm surfing the web in my pjs, hungry, but too lazy to make something to eat. And yes, I'm going to work today. It started at 9:00.

4/07/2006 09:23:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Ohh Sassiness...I am sorry you feel all bleh and meh and all the other ones. I think it's normal to have those feeling ever so often...to be bored, dissatisfied, wrestly, restless, sad. And I know it won't help if I just say snap out of it and look at the bright side. Cuase surely there is a bright side but you will see it when you are good and ready.

So I will limit myself to holding your hand long distance. If it makes you feel any better...I do have rolls between my panties and bra. And I too am not that fond of mirrors...but I have a good reason. And lack of sex is indeed frustrating...but I am not sure it's any worse than casual sex with someone you want to kick out of the bed as soon as you are done. So, maybe the lack of sex is the best of the two??? Don't know. But this too shall pass.

And if you need some R&R...I have a pool and the Florida sun. :)



4/07/2006 09:23:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

I think what you need is a big huge hug from uncle Matt and some San Diego sunshine (my plea to the sun gods worked yesterday). :)

4/07/2006 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

To save me a lot of serious self esteem/spring issues I don't go shopping for clothes at this time of year and I focus only on my hair. I hate my hair, always have, and it hates me. Sticking to that gets me through to the less dramatic times where I'm fine with myself.

I think right now you're just faintly hearing negative whispers from inside your head, those ones that say what you aren't and don't have and make you feel seasick as they rock you away from what you do have and really are. It's hard not to listen to it, but I'm guessing you can do it.

4/07/2006 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

PV: you know that's a really good point. i had wondered if the general early spring nature of the weather was doing it but i didn't really consider what a dismal rainy winter AND a wet spring combined would do to my head. i didn't play in the snow much at all this year see...

dude, surfing the web in pjs is the best thing ever... hey what are you doing tonight? (note to self, call PV)

nat: thanks you... i know there's a bright side, not the least of which is that i'm climbing again and my car is actually fixed and yet still i'm meh. i think the weather for sure has something to do with it but i think that my self esteem took a pretty massive hit in the last while and i'm going to have to work my way out of it or something...

wrestly... yeah great word.

the thing with women who were overweight is that we never stop thinking of ourselves as fat chicks. even if we aren't anymore the mental processes are all formed and well entrenched...

and no, casual sex is worse. i think. it's hard to say that at this point cause no one is offering either way...

dude suddenly i so wish i wasn't working easter...

matt: san diego sunshine... and surfing.

good christ i think i'll move. i mean i work for cash anyway...

amber: that's a cool plan and didn't occur to me at all. that said, it's a good time to get next winter stuff. i don't do that cause my size fluctuates too much and i just end up with clothes i can't wear anyway.

i'm wondering from the comments if spring is just a normal time for this to happen...

why does your hair hate you?

yeah i'm mostly happy with me really it's just lately i'm having a hard time...

and that's EXACTLY what i'm hearing right now... insecure little girl voices... and usually i don't listen and even if i do i usually overcome but it doesn't make it any more fun does it?


4/07/2006 11:08:00 AM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

Hey, y'all should come to my place and play games or someshit.

4/07/2006 12:26:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

that's not a bad idea dude...


4/07/2006 06:46:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

Ok, I'll be the one to ask...

What's a Grecian urn?


4/07/2006 09:50:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

ennui sucks.

so does an unrequieted sex drive. especially when people are fucking right outside your window. (that's just wrong!) AND feeling fat.

a little sun and fun would probably be just the thing you need right now.

and it would keep you away from those pesky mirrors.

god, when i still took dance classes i made a point of choosing a position where i COULDN'T see the mirrors well, because i would spend so much time obsessing about everything i hate about my appearance and not enough time experiencing the joy that dance brings.

oops. tangent. anyway... can you get away to somewhere sunny, even for a few days?

4/07/2006 11:56:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

john: it's like a vase... that they make in greece.


terry: damm right it does!

and so does unrequited sex. that sucks of the highest order. i mean my poor sex drive shows up so often it would be nice if there was someone around it could play with.

and then the outside my window and and and... all the couples are out in the streets feeling all springlike. i could kill them.

i so understand with that dance class feeling. sometimes when i'm teaching in a mirrored studio i'll get fascinated by my posture or the way my shoulders are sitting or or or... and then i lose the client.

hate it.

tangent on, that was a great tangent!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm sun. sun sounds nice.... too poor not to work.

4/08/2006 12:26:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

Would it ruin our friendship if I slapped the hell outta you?? Not quite the invite Dzer gave you, but it's offered in love all the same, lol.
Our lives are so similiar, well except for the ribs showing through the clothing and strangers slamming each other up against my windows, so I understand.

And what's so wrong with dating 20 year olds???? Legal, yes. See, it's your priorities, they're all screwed. Sorry...bad topic. :)

Seriously, you need a vacation. Pack and go. Now. Even for a couple of nights, go alone with a camera and just get lost. Been there, done it and it helps.
Lots of love to you...and of course, the slap.

4/08/2006 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: nope, not in the slightest, sometimes i think a slap delivered with love is better than any hug or tub of ice cream... i mean sometimes you just need a slap right?

did i just say that?

i cannot put into words how happy the ribs thing makes me. that's what's so strange about this ennui/self esteem crap... i have NOTHING to feel shitty ABOUT!

hmmm as for the 20 year olds... i don't know, i just imagine meeting their mothers and i cringe. even 24 would be better somehow... but i have to admit there's at least one under 25 in my circle i would date in a second... but he's exceptional.

maybe my priorities are screwed but it feels so weird and icky.

i do need a vacation, you're totally right... not sure how to arrange one... i get less busy in august so maybe then...



4/08/2006 01:34:00 PM  
Anonymous clarity said...

I'm sorry to hear you have a bad case of ennui.

I thought you looked fabulous Thursday evening. Those jeans looked great on you. I'm sorry I didn't say so at the time.

Why is it so hard to like your body as a woman in this culture?

Maybe you can take a mini-vacation by staying here but doing something completely different than your usual routine. Like a different climbing gym, or mini-golf. Or a tanning salon? I dunno, just thoughts.

Hugs. Hope you're feeling better soon.

4/09/2006 02:09:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

clarity: thanks, i like that outfit myself, my leafs shirt is one of my favourite shirts there is.

i didn't realise until i was lying on my couch at 1am watching tv that i had ennui which is probably why i didn't talk to you about it. i confess i'm cheering up massively since it's been sunny.

also? i'm installing a new os at home so blog posts/comments might be few and far between for a few days.

thanks btw!

4/09/2006 03:45:00 PM  
Blogger all bitched out said...

I'm agreeing with PV on this one. I think the weather has a lot to do with it. Outside of that, it seems like there are just a bunch of things that are starting to pile up and weigh on you. And that definitely weighs on self esteem.

For me, one of the easiest ways to battle that is to chock it up to the crap going on and just ride it out. Such a lame way to put it, but you know that somewhere inside of you all that is waiting to come back. Hope you feel better soon, Sass. :)

4/09/2006 06:34:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

You see... it's an old joke...

Keats: I just wrote a poem about a Grecian Urn

Blake: What's a Grecian Urn?

Keats: Only what he's ode...


or with alternate punchline(s):

...about 50 drachmae a day

... $5.15 an hour plus tips

... the prevailing wage

etc, etc, etc...

I know you're out there, folks. I can hear ya leaving...

4/09/2006 08:05:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

It is monday, your sassiness...here's hoping the blehs are passing :)


4/10/2006 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

im with huneeb...nothing revitalizes you like being a huge immature child for a day..and just doing the most banal stupid shit: like coloring, or blowing bubbles outside.

ennui is horrible, that i know. but think of it as the lull before the storm. exiting things are heading your way ;)

4/10/2006 11:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

teresa: welcome back as your original self btw.

i think you're right also, that i do just have to ride this out... unfortunately all of the things that are landing on my head lately are full on self esteem grenades... not so useful in the long run. it's a lot easier to deal with the other kind of attacks, they're so much less involved with your personal self worth.

i'm starting to feel better already since it's been sunny for a couple days... but still oversensitive.

john: oh man.

that was fucking awful (so bad that i laughed out loud for a couple of minutes when i read it... i haven't heard that joke in forever if ever so it hit me fresh...

nat: the sun is helping... but it is deeper than that unfortunately. i was hoping it was just rain...

elle: yeah i think huneeb nailed it as well, but i'm not sure when i'll get a chance to do that... i had a pretty mellow and nice day yesterday but it's not making up for it... ah well... hopefully i'll cheer up soon, if not i'll just fake it until it's real...

4/10/2006 01:09:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

that's fucked up, i posted that as myself...

stupid text browsers...


4/10/2006 01:10:00 PM  

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