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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, March 27, 2006

good advice

so, i am one of those people who has a bit of a hard time with good advice, it makes me defensive. there is a reason the universe keeps hitting me with cars after all.

anyway you know how sometimes you hear something on tv or someone says something to you or you read something and immediately you're like "oh that's ridiculous, that's the silliest thing i've ever heard" and then you forget about it.

look at me saying 'you' when i'm talking about myself again.

often after i dismiss that kind of advice it comes back to haunt me in the days and weeks that follow but sometimes? sometimes it can take years. i know this because it recently happened.

way back when princess valium and i were watching 'joan of arcadia' together. i'm not going to go into a big long rant about all the ways that that show rocked and how shitty it was for cbs to cancel it because that's not the point of this post. but i could.

anyway if you've never seen the show it's about a teenage girl who starts having encounters with god. since neither PV nor i are religious you should get that this was a freaking excellent show. so.

at one point god and joan are discussing and she's being bitchy about something and makes some sort of nasty crack about whomever they're discussing and god chastises her for it. and she's all 'but i wasn't going to DO anything' and he's all "even our thoughts have power joan" and PV and i were all "whatfuckingever, thinking nasty thoughts doesn't hurt anyone" and on we went with the show.

well i've had cause recently to revisit the discussion.

i don't really know how i started thinking about this kind of stuff i think it was more of a dawning awareness thingy. i started to notice that whenever i ranted at other drivers on the road
"you fucking moron get some eyes"
"move your ass you fucker!"
"good christ who taught you to drive"
"motherfucker!" (hi mom :)
"man some people should be required to go to driving school and learn to take other drivers into consideration before they pull out into eighty kilometer per hour traffic doing TEN!!! in FRONT OF MY BUMPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"thanks for cutting me off asswipe"
"man some people are too stupid to walk"
"hey look another moron trying to commit suicide with my car!"
that i was the one feeling bad afterward. i'd be all angry and my heart would be racing and i would be upset and snippy for a while afterward.

i used to think that ranting at other drivers allowed me to let off steam and just move on. but i'm starting to think that it's not true.

i'm starting to grok that god's point (it is VERY strange to discuss what god said let me tell you) was not that those thoughts had the power to hurt others but instead that they have the power to hurt ourselves.

that somehow we become less than we could be when we walk around thinking not nice things about other people.

that these thoughts really do have power. just not the power that i thought they meant. it's true that they don't *do* anything to anyone outside of yourself... and it's true that you aren't hurting anyone else when you do it. what i didn't think about was whether or not i was hurting myself.

i mean i've known for years that the nasty gossip circle is a bad bad thing and should be broken or avoided at all costs. i found myself participating in one of those several years ago and afterwards when i thought of the vitriol i had spewed about a woman who wasn't there... when i noticed the encouragement i had given the other gossips in the circle... when i thought of my motto regarding never saying things behind people's backs that i wouldn't say to their face?

i was aghast at my own behaviour.

stunned that i would do to someone else what had been done to me so effectively through my years of schooling. no dudes, stunned.

i was so hurt for so long by the things that people said about me behind my back that to find myself inflicting that sort of thing on someone else? i was fully horrified. and a little baffled in fact. the same kind of baffled i am when i see someone who has fled persecution and landed in canada (you know, one of the heavens on earth) who then turns around and speaks badly of others or persecutes people for their differences.

why? i mean when you're a persecuted person, be it at school or in your life or most especially in some of the super scary places in the world? why on earth would you turn around and inflict that same bullshit on someone else?

you *know* how it feels don't you? you've felt the wounds that fester and don't heal well? the ones you see every time you hear the voices that step on your soul? you know, the voices the shitty people put in your head?

how can you do that to someone else?

i can kind of understand it, when someone shits on me i'm slightly more likely to shit on someone else that day and i'm definetely more likely to be a little cranky. but i fight it as hard as i can. hell i'm nice to people that by all rights i should be cursing from the rooftops.

anyway, external nasty thoughts are easy to understand. everyone gets that it's not nice to say nasty things. that it's not nice to 'get revenge' or spread gossip. [i recognize that there are two kinds of gossip. when you tell your neighbour that your other neighbour just lost their son it's so the other neighbour won't say 'hey how's your son?' the next time he sees said neighbour. there is nothing malicious in that. but when the discussion continues and delves into the bad parenting the kid got and how he was lost for years and everyone was just expecting this and and and? that shit is nasty.]

it's the internal hateful thoughts and their effect on your self that i'm thinking about right now.

do you think the character called god was right? does what you think have power whether you act on it or not? am i just a crazy granola eating hippie chick with weird ideas?

or maybe, just maybe, should we all try a little harder not to think the nasty stuff?

ps sorry i didn't blog since last thursday, it's been a crazy few days...


Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Snoopy kick to the ass!


Brainwaves that fire together, wire together.

3/27/2006 04:59:00 PM  
Blogger Will said...

It's a strange and disturbing phenomenon, isn't it? The immigrant looking for a better life who, once he gets his foot in the door, precedes to trash others like themselves for being of a different race and/or background. The old prejudices die hard, it would seem, and very few ever learn to "leave them at the door" when they start over in a new place.

I won't be the one to quote the Bruce Hornsby lyrics here, but I think the reason it happens so often is because they know of no other way to be. It's just always been. Obviously, that doesn't excuse anything, but at least it's a theory...some indicator of why things never do seem to change.

3/27/2006 05:40:00 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

I try to think of it all as karma. What you put out there comes back. If you think bad things about others, they may/may not be thingking them about you. But you are creating an energy and that will come back to you. SO when I catch myself doing that I try to stop myself. I remind myself that this isn't doing me any good. Tho I usually don't get mad at drivers I do get really mad in large crowds of impolite and non moving people. It's kind of the same thing, mostly because I don't own a car and don't drive. When I did tho, I'm right there with you.

3/27/2006 06:33:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...


Sometimes when I read your blog I laugh, sometimes I agree or disagree... sometimes even I walk away a little better of a person because it's not a celebrity or foreign leader spreading the mind altering diatribe. Its an everyday joe like you and me.

Today, reading this, I admit I walked away... straight to the bathroom... and I cried. I cried A LOT. More than I should and dammit I can't blame that shit on PMS or Nothin!

I cried because these words cut a little deeper into layers that have festered and rotted in the last couple of days.

words that cue me to delve inside myself just a little and say "yeah, you know what? God damn her for coating my tired and belching mind with loving pepto for only one moment."

The world needs more people like you, and I believe if there were more with your mindset (because you are simply YOU and nobody is replacing that), that we would not be pardoning turkeys instead of dealing with foreign policy and deficit. (k, that was me trying to laugh, I admit).

I think, more so than anything... this post will be printed and cherished, and saved forever as the one piece of advice I heard and took to heart. And I feel so many others need the same that god damnit I'm bulk mailing this shit out.

Hi mom! Your daughter kicks ass because apparently only she can make me cry with something as two-dimensional as a blog post.

I feel touched by you Sassinak. Thank the universe for everything that ever made you you from day one.

3/27/2006 06:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Princess Valium said...

Hot damn I miss Joan. That was one helluva smart show, and the fact that people are still reflecting on it, years after it ended, is further testament to that. And yes, I am still bitter.

I see your point about resisting negative thoughts, and have started practicing it more and more. Initially, I felt all compelled to think whatever I wanted and felt like I was 'joking myself' by refusing to think these thoughts. But I find that I feel better about myself when I resist the temptation to join in the gossip, whether it be at work, among friends, or among family. It's like a dieter saying no to cheesecake, you feel all powerful and stuff, but on a more intrinsic level. And if that's 'joking yourself', man, I'm OK with it.

I think this may be (one of the many reasons)why I like dope so much. When I'm high, I'm all 'whatever' about the small stuff. If that kind of attitude could imbue my thoughts when sober, life would be a happier place. Retraining your mind is a very involved task, but worth it.

Speaking of retraining, I am about to call my mother and have a 'conversation' that's been in the works for, like, 31 years. I am scared shitless, but it has to be done. Wish me luck.

3/27/2006 07:51:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Good luck PV :)

3/27/2006 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

damm i had lsd's comment all commented on and i was on to scorp and bam. silly firefox

lsd: way to sum it up. you and matt vella are really good at distilling things down and it's a skill i would like to have.

i kicked my own ass at the gym, that's better than a boot to the butt right?

scorp: yeah i don't get it either. you've been stepped on, why is it better to step on someone else? don't you think maybe if you give them a hand up the world will become a nicer place? we need nice in this world to counteract what else is out there. hell i have some shitty behaviour of my own to make up for.

if you wish to quote lyrics? quote them.

so why then are toddlers mean to each other? do you think if we investigated their home lives that all of the mean toddlers would turn out to have mean or neglectful parents?

amber: i like the threefold rule. what you put out will come back to you threefold. if you think of it like that you get nicer fast. *laughs*

i agree with every word of your comment by the way. karma is one of my favourite words in the world.

3/27/2006 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: again you stun me with your beauty. i didn't cry overy my post, i don't think that i feel what i wrote nearly as deeply as you do and that's so amazing to me. that i can write things that get people to look at their dark corners.

that those same people are willing to share that experience with me and in turn the blogverse is meaningful to me on a level i can barely put into words.

i didn't realise that i made a mind altering diatribe or that people actually take my posts and turn them into email forwards. i thought i was just here with my little blog and my little circle and my weird ideas. i won't apologise for making you cry, i'm glad that i could. if you cried you must have needed it and i hurt a little inside when i reread this post and think what must have happened in your life for it to make you cry.

i think that 'be the change you wish to see in the world' is one of the smartest ways i've ever seen ten words strung together. i can't imagine a better way to live than striving to make that true.

i'm so sad to hear that you're feeling festering and rotten, that must be terrible for you. i'm honoured that you think i'm a light in the world and moved that you shared it. (well if you didn't laugh about the turkeys? i did!)

if this advice changes your life then well i've done my bit for the day. may it bring you joy and peace. i'm flattered you feel the need to share this with others... like a lot.

thank you emma, i have tears in my eyes reading your comments and please know that you touch me too. and often.

PV: oh i know, that show was great and i really wanted to see what happened in the whole epic battle shindig. i'm still bitter too... well sad.

isn't it neat how the more you try to get positive the more positive you become? and it's this great positive reinforcement thingy. that's really interesting about the joking yourself. i totally get what you're saying and yeah, me too, if i live in a dreamworld? okay. this is me smiling when i get up in the morning.

i love weed. i love weed with the passion of a thousand burning nuns. i think retraining your own brain might just be one of the most amusing things you can ever do. :)

oh dude. how did it go? i'm home around 1:30-2:30 tomorrow if you want to yak? i wish you retroactive luck man. buckets of it.

3/27/2006 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

perhaps it's all goes hand in hand with the inherent power struggle of being human?

we struggle with ourselves, those around us, and the world around us..so maybe stepping on the coattails of someone else, and finding their flaws kicks us up a bit in our own struggle: "wow, i can't believe *they* would do that, i would never stoop so low"..

it's the proverbial playground antics of marking those things slightly off in someone else, so that we can mask that same trait in ourselves...or, better yet, just to feel an ounce better about ourselves.

i think it's something everyone is guilty of..but it's the extent to which you engage in it that makes the difference.

howeer, to me, simply sitting here and thinking that someone's a fucktard and should rot, really doesn't extend to him rotting, or knowing that i'm thinking it, or guarantee me not getting over it. it's simply my way of dealing with the bastard who monopolied two printers instead of one, and made me have to wait even longer. it's not like i can confront him. and it's not like i can, relaistically, confront shitty drivers around me.

i think it's just a way to outwardly manifest some kind of inner turmoil over something you can't control...thus, you think bad thoughts, you say mean things...but they are fairly inconsequential to the world, and the person they are directed at.

in the case of people who are close to you, however? i think G-d was partially right. obviously if you're thinking horrid thoughts about someone you deal with daily, it will show, eventually, because it'll manifest itself int he way you deal with that person. but if you're thinking something nasty just to signal to yourself "that's fucked up"..what's the real harm?

hmmm. bit of a circumlocution in that one. did that make any sense?!

i can't really write anything but "Trademark dilution sucks your mother fat cock" lately...go figure

3/27/2006 11:27:00 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

PS I so miss Joan of Arcadia too, I so wanted to see the way the bad guy played out. Now he's busting out of Prison :)

3/27/2006 11:39:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

the world is in sore need of more crazy, granola-eating hippies with weird ideas.

the part about road-rage-like cursing is SOOOO me. I vent the anger from my real life by roaring about the idiocy of the drivers around me. used to be football and other contact sports, but that's all gone now. maybe I should start bowling again.

I personally think it's OK to feel a lot of the rage and hate and contempt — they're feelings, after all, and we are an emotional species. The key is in how or if you express it. If you do it in a mean way, to hurt and belittle and abuse someone, that's a major negative. The negativity must be purged, I feel, but not in way that harms others, physically or emotionally.

not that I always manage to do that ... *sigh* ... but I try.

either that, or I just bury it deep, deep down and keep it contained and constrained until it all just blows up at the most inopportune time.


3/28/2006 12:30:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Everyone has negative thoughts at times, about themselves, about others...about whatever.

You're right in that fostering those thoughts, giving them fuel - can lead down a path of more bad thoughts. That can be harmful to the self, because it can verrrry easily lead to externalized behavior.

What'd Yoda say - anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to something and then it all goes to hell in a handbasket, and what the fuck I'm green and shriveled and I have huge ears.

Something like that.

Also, those types of thoughts are very difficult to conceal from the rest of the world - we give away a lot more through our body language, etc. than we give ourselves credit for.

3/28/2006 12:40:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: i find it interesting that you consider being human to be a power struggle. i'm not struggling for power, i am struggling to feed myself and my cats, to keep my little roof above my swelled head and to pay for the internet. but i'm not really fighting to be more than someone else.

i'm just trying to be my best me. and so i'm not sure i can agree with the basic premise of your argument.

and yes i utterly agree that everyone does it, even me. but that doesn't make it good for you. i mean maybe it's fun and there's definetely some satisfaction in coming up with good insults i so know that... and yet still all it does is get you all riled up. even hours later.

as for the people close to you? i totally agree, that shit shows fast.

school sounds tough lately, i'm sad to hear it.

amber: glad it isn't just us.

dzer: yay, more weird sass style hippies in the world!

i thought that i vented the anger from my life that way but i've seince decided that in fact i was nurturing it. i do use climbing for that sort of thing too though.

i went bowling recently and it was totally fun. you should bowl if you like it.

i think it's okay for people to have feelings, and even negative ones... what i don't think is okay is to throw vitriol at strangers even in your own head. i mean i can be angry with someone that i care about and not be hateful.

you do have to purge, so to speak, negativity but it's not really purging. it's more that you accept your feelings and say hmmm i feel shitty about that and then you let it roll off your back... cause your back it be having a good day... :)

heh, burying rage only hurts you... let it go :)

matt v: yup that's true. i sure do.

it's the external behaviour that's dangerous. my sister was asking me a while ago why i was so angry all the time, didn't i do releasing things? so of course then i had to notice that i was doing that and why and find the root and yeah... here's the post.

i don't know what yoda said, i only saw the original star wars trilogy and not the new ones. but he probably said someting gandhi would have been proud of :)

hee huge ears

well funny you say that since my sister busted me on that very thing a while back. me little miss positive and all.

3/28/2006 01:21:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

don't beat yourself up over it sass, i've been EXACTLY where you are...and you know what I figured out? That sometimes just BELONGING is more important at a particular moment than it is to be true to yourself and beliefs. You know it's wrong, but being such an outsider most of the time its sometimes nice to be sitting with a group of people interacting on some level...it sucks, it's wrong, and you feel bad, but it dont make you a bad person. Not realising that it's wrong would make you that person....

Anyway i'm glad my last comment made you laugh! My good deed for the week is done....

3/28/2006 03:53:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

maybe it's just my life then haha...then again i'm 23..got a lot of things to figure out and battle through before i can really be cozy in my own skin and be where i want to be with regard to what i want out of my life.

3/28/2006 08:27:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

deb: well i did the beating up on the whole nasty gossip circle thing a few years ago. the not thinking bad thoughts thing is sort of new though. i know that belonging is important stuff i really do but do you think that doing that to your soul is actually good in the long run?

hey i know what you mean, i love when my comments get people to react :)

elle: i think a lot of it is the being 23 and also that you're not having so much fun right now. i didn't get into my own skin until i was older than you... in fact i had much less confidence then you have now when i was your age.

hee 'when i was your age' it cracks me up when i hear myself say that.

3/28/2006 09:01:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

um...yeah and stuff...very well put. I think that it's all about energy. The energy we put out is the energy we get back kind of thing.

Again...god this must get boring coming from me...I must go back to telling the truth. I think that every time we lie we lose a little bit of our soul and our integrity and...and...and... you know what I mean. So, really, when we lie we not only hurt others but hurt ourselves. Because...how can we even like ourselves when we lie?

So, yeah...it's all about the energy and what not. I think it's great to try to think good thoughts. I have tried not to engage in road rage type thinking...and it's a lot more pleasant to drive.

But then again...some snarkyness is necessary...cause there are some people that plain deserve to be snarked at.

That's my take. :)


3/28/2006 09:47:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

If you've never heard of Dr. Masaru Emoto and his experiments on thought and how it effects reality, you might find this to be very interesting.

3/28/2006 09:50:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I'd touch you. Softly at first... But the all hell would break loose!

3/28/2006 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

you know, you're so right. i find that when i sit here silently cursing and fuming over people who make me crazy, i feel even crazier. so what good is that?

i once had a therapist who insisted i stop saying nasty things about MYSELF, verbally and internally, because she believed that was terrible for my psyche. so why wouldn't that apply to others?

hmm. more food for thought.

what do i do, though, about the people who drive me absolutely mad???

3/28/2006 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: word.

no, it doesn't get boring at all, everyone has their own take on what the 'right thing' is and i love to hear other people's. even if it's just a tiny bit different from mine if might just change how i think a little. and yes, i think it's just like that with lying except the little white lies that you tell so as not to hurt someone. and even there i'm having trouble thinking of an example of an 'okay' little lie. [surprise parties notwithstanding]

and that's just my point, how can you like yourself when you lie?

i've noticed that too, the less that i get all raging when i drive the happier the drive is. funny that.

hey man snark on, but i think there's a difference between a little snark and a lotta rage...

lsd: i did when you made me watch that movie. thanks btw.

bubbles: word.

terry: it's no good at all, but it's the hardest thing to learn and put into practise.

i completely agree with your therapist, being nice to yourself is key to liking yourself. it's fucking awful for your 'self' in the worst way. the meaner you are to yourself the less you like yourself which makes you meaner and and and...

food for thought... yummy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some people are going to drive you mad, i think the key is to go 'wait, this is being imposed on my happy cheerful day by an ass, if i don't let them get to me i win' and then you take a deep breath and let it roll off you.

so easy to say...

3/28/2006 12:32:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I found your blog through Emma's....

Wow what a wonderful post. I know I'm a day late in reading this but this was really inspiring and made me think about my life.

Thank you for writing

3/28/2006 02:12:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kristen: hello and welcome :)

thank you! you're not late, i only posted this last evening and i'm not sure a new post will go up before tomorrow... maybe, can't say :)

i'm glad to have inspired someone with my post and you're absolutely welcome!

3/28/2006 02:38:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Okay, I'm going to let you slide on going so long with out posting since this one was so worth waiting for! Decent mind you've got there, sass. More a fan of yours every day.

3/28/2006 03:29:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

yay i'm off the hook!



(and thanks!)

3/28/2006 04:32:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...


I was too stroned. I couldn't remember what movies we watched. Yea for drugs.

3/28/2006 04:48:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

let's see we watched...
what the bleep
i heart huckabees which we both slept through
lost in translation
vanilla sky
and the 40 yo virgin...

and i think that was it.

drugs rock

3/28/2006 04:52:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

i heart "lost in translation"

3/28/2006 07:51:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

i love that notion, that letting these assclowns i deal with get to me means THEY WIN.

the thing is... sometimes, they do.
i just have to remember the bigger picture. that karma can be a bitch. and leave it up to the universe to handle.

and then go home and have a glass of wine.

(hey, i fell asleep watching "i heart huckabees," too!)

3/28/2006 09:00:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: i quite liked it myself, i was a little surprised at how much.

vanilla sky was odd, liking a tom cruise movie kind of stuns me.

terry: i love that notion too, it makes it easier to smile at them.

i got so burned that way once it was beautiful. i was in airport hell and i had to cross an ENTIRE hub airport to get from one plane to another and i never found an open bathroom until i got there. i was dying. dying.

so finally i find one and i have my hand on the stall door and man is standing there going 'sorry ma'am bathroom is closed' and i ranted. and i ranted. and i whined. and eventually i walked out the door with cursing. and he goes 'god bless you ma'am' and i swear he meant it.

i felt an inch tall. and still enraged cause i HAD TO PEE!

buddy totally won dude, and he won with a smile on his face and me not getting to him for a second.

and yeah, sometimes they do win, and sometimes we lose... but i think trying to pick the nice answer all the time just makes you nicer...

mmm wine

(i'm sure it's very good but i feel no need to watch it awake... hell lsd started snoring)

3/29/2006 12:43:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

I don't remember snoring either. hehe.

3/29/2006 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

funny how you don't remember it... since you were ASLEEP!

so was rosie... so clearly the movie is fascinating as hell...

3/29/2006 06:20:00 PM  
Anonymous subconscious mind said...

Thanks--take a look at the mind power tools at www.mindmint.com.

8/29/2006 06:48:00 PM  

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