not nekkid thursday

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here we go again, another thursday and another post with no pictures of sass.

it's becoming a thing with me this not posting pictures on thursdays. i'll post them on monday or friday or tuesday with not a moment of wondering but not so much on the thursdays. it's funny though because i love everyone else's hnt posts whether it's bubbles getting mostly naked or nat baring her soul.

in fact i find i learn an enormous amount about people based on their choices of photo for hnt. what's important to them. what they like about themselves. what they don't like about themselves... pretty much all sorts of things.

i'm a bit irked to find out that my urban anthropologist schtick is actually a pretty typical trait of the quirkyalone. don't get me wrong it's sort of neat to be defined but at the same time i hate being labelled even if it's something cool.

okay you can label me hot. i like that one.

brilliant or awesome or cool work too. *giggling*

i don't really mind being a quirkyalone but at the same time i'm so much more than any one word. in fact i suspect that's a defining characteristic of them... that they resist labelling. perhaps i'm with that guy who said that he wouldn't want to be in any club that would have him as a member (irony: woody allen is described as quirkycreepy *hee*)
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so i called my friend, the one that isn't calling me back, and i left him another voice mail. and of course? no answer as of yet. i think i'll give it a couple of days and then leave him a work related message and if he doesn't answer *that* i'll leave him one that says 'okay i guess you don't want to be friends anymore, will you at least tell me why?'

the funny thing is that if we weren't also colleagues he would get maybe two more 'call me you ass' types of messages and then i would just give up. the same way i give up when people drop four or more emails in a row. i mean eventually you just have to figure that if they want to speak with you they will contact you and otherwise?

may as well give up.

i guess that's a cop out but i don't know. i mean when i want to be friends with someone i make at least a token effort every now and then. or i tell them i'm screamingly busy and ask for their forgiveness or something.

like if i'm actually too busy to communicate i will simply call when i know they aren't available and leave a message. two birds with one stone right? you communicated, you let them know you're thinking about them and yet you kept your day in line. a five line email has much the same effect with about the same expenditure of effort.

i know that i shouldn't project my own behaviour onto other people. i know that everyone is playing from a different book with different rules and yet still i persist in trying to understand why people do the things they do. why they are the way they are. what makes them so inconsiderate. why i am so ridiculously considerate.

i know too that i should not expect folks to be as ridiculously over the top self aware as i am (except, apparently, if they're also quirkyalones) except that i do.

no matter how hard i try i just can't seem to let it be when people are rude or inconsiderate or unavailable. to me it means something. if you can't be bothered thinking about how i'll feel then chances are good that you don't give a shit about me.

take my ex tr. when we first got together he ever and always made sure that there was a glass of water beside the bed for me when we went to bed. cut to a year later when he gets one for himself and not me or asks me for help making food and then doesn't make enough for me. silly me assumed that if i was involved in the cooking then i was automagically involved in the eating.

a year earlier he would never have done that. he would have said 'hey you want some?' or he would have just assumed that i did and made some for me too.

he used to do that sort of thing all the time. stop off for dinner on his way home and not bother to call me and let me know. so there i was waiting and waiting for him (and getting steadily hungrier) and there he was having sushi or whatever... and he never called to see if i wanted some or if he should bring something home or even just to let me know that i should fend for myself.

and we were living together. this is a man that purported to want to marry me and yet after a brief honeymoon period never once took me into consideration in his decision making. how can you claim to love someone and yet not consider them in your decisions?

that's a concept that i just cannot wrap my brain around no matter how i try.

you can love someone but not think about them, worry about them, consider them in your decision making. how is that possible?

i know that part of this is the example that you grow up with. my parents were the kind of couple where the guy would come home and kiss the girl every single day. every day. the family default is to eat all meals together unless otherwise engaged by sport/activity or whatever.

given a choice my parents choose to be in the same room unless they're doing things which cause them to be elsewhere so that's my expected default. it's not necessarily the way that i want to live but i have certain behavioural expectations that are basically built in.

one of them involves calling if you aren't coming home for dinner. or calling if you're going to be later than usual. or making me food if you're making some. or making you food if i'm cooking. or automatically doing your laundry with mine or picking up your favourite juice at the store or inviting me to go out for subs with you.

it seems like the right sort of thing to do.

ironically with tr his family was the same way so i don't know where he got his lack of it from.

i heard once that love isn't an emotion it's an action. and i sort of know what that means on a gut level without necessarilly being able to articulate it. when you love someone you just do things right?

or maybe you just want to?

i don't know, i just know that all the really long term and happy couples i know of consider each other before themselves almost always.... or something like that.

riddle me this my lovelies.