just

.
i've been thinking about tr a lot lately. maybe a little bit because he's still the last man i was involved with even though it's three years ago. maybe kind of because i'm falling into his circles again without even trying... that's hard not to do based on our many common interests. maybe because sometimes i wonder what would have happened if we'd known each other longer before i broke. perhaps because when you've had a really long drought you start to wonder if maybe that ex wasn't so bad after all.

the thing is i don't think that tr was a bad guy. he wasn't the right guy for me i don't think... but not a bad guy. we broke up pretty ugly unfortunately but sometimes i wonder if that's actually bad.

staying friends is, after all, an extremely difficult thing to do.

we were stuck living together for almost two months after we split up, and we split up like children. there was petulance and whining and sniping. we were mean to each other. there was (his word) terseness and snark (my word).

there were moments of shared company; a few joints, some mutual friends' visits, a little tv, some smiling and the like.

but he got colder and colder and i got bitchier and bitchier. i wonder what would have happened if i had managed to move sooner.

it was like we took delight in hurting each other. which was probably some sick way of expressing continued caring *lmao* or something.

i've broken up friendly before as well, don't get me wrong. where you don't break up your friends [neither tr nor i ever asked anyone to choose fyi] and you can still be seen together at parties and sometimes you go out for lunch.

but from the distance i currently have from basically everyone i've ever been in bed with i have to say that i'm beginning to think that an ugly breakup is better. (please note that the words ugly divorce were NOT uttered. those fucking suck)

it's final and sudden. there's a quick stab to the heart and some lingering wonder and regret. and then it's just over.

just like that.

you go on with your lives along totally seperate tracks and are basically never reminded of each other again. sure you end up at a party or two together for a while but eventually one of you falls away. and that's it, it's done. there's no re-exposure, no re-infection and definetely no pining.

well okay it's probable that there's some pining sometimes but it's hard to pine for something that's never around.

i see couples sometimes that used to date and that still hang out and there's a strangeness to it. sometimes it's fine, like when it was years and years ago and they're married to other people and so on. and even then sometimes there's a thing there still.

but when neither of them are dating other people and they're still hanging out there is nearly always some kind of string that is still there for both of them.

sometimes it's just sex, but it would be cheap to dismiss all such occurences so simply. occasionally i think it really is just a thing where two people go "oops we're supposed to be friends" and that's the end of it, but i think that's the exception.

mostly there's a boy carrying a torch or a girl needing the attention. a girl who needs help and a boy who loves to come running. a boy who needs rescuing and a girl who loves to rescue. whatever, there's some thing there.

i don't think it's love all the time or even a desire to rekindle the romance. i think it's more that they're still filling some needs for each other, and i wonder if that's a mistake.

like when you're searching for someone to date there are a lot of needs to fill, it's never just sex or cuddling. if it were it would be so much easier to find dateable folks. so when you split up and stay friends you still have your buddy you did x or y with. or that person who always helps with whatever or the guy you climb with. i mean anything.

so then you don't go and find someone else to do that with, that little space of need in your personal jigsaw puzzle is falsely filled. does that make it harder to find someone new? is it better to just break right up with someone, anyone that you used to love? it does have the benefit of opening all your little jigsaw puzzle bits right?

i don't know.

i do know that damm jack johnson rocks. i bought curious george. also a pile of other cds that i haven't played yet. ask me how weird i am, here's the list:
fiona apple - extraordinary machine
bowie - best of
johnny cash - 16 greatest hits
buddy guy - buddy's blues
ramones - mania
sufjan stevens - come on feel the illinois
[sunrise is having a 100 cds for 9.99 sale and there's some GOOD stuff on the list fyi]

:)

came home, opened jack johnson, pressed repeat and that's it. the others will come into play in the next few weeks... and then a new mix will appear in my car!

anyway i am now torn between the stripes and jack johnson's version of 'we're going to be friends' and i will end up choosing the white stripes because they did it first, but they're both so lovely and so slightly different. they will both be on my next mix though... just well separated.

ahhh brilliance.

that's the thing with the exes... they're usually always the people that you met and went 'you will matter in my life' [or "I can tell that we are gonna be friends"] and then sometimes you end up dating and sometimes you end up friends. but that initial spark or tie or connection is there and that's the thing that maybe you shouldn't have around?

i wrestle with this because i have had some great men in my life and i've wanted to keep them around. often we've tried and failed. sometimes it's only that i went and moved across the country. again. and thus we lost touch.

but there have been some multi year friendships off my exes in the past. and then there's dw who still pops up and asks me to get back together like 9 years later. so he's still nursing a connection with me that i've told him repeatedly is dead.

so is every friendship false? is someone always pining? when i think that i'm friends with an ex is it actually that one of us is secretly wishing to have the other one back? it might just be, i mean i've known a lot of women who seemed to think that getting more available would make their exes come running back.

seems to me that that one is a case of 'living well is the best revenge' really. people rarely want what they can easily have.

i've been thinking of asking tr for coffee. not because i want him back but because there's some bad blood there and it would be nice to lance the wound... but then i wonder, do i really want that man as my friend?

and if i want him as my friend is it still better not to do it?