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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

haze

.
i have exactly twenty one minutes before my client arrives.

and now ten because a lovely lady just came in to the studio and we got to chatting about the leah mclaren incident [she teaches journalism] and finding that link to make your lives easier took long enough that my client arrived, has been worked, someone else has been worked and delicious dinner was had at a lovely greek restaurant and i wrote three quarters of a post with no discernible ending in sight and chatted with my sister.

ahhh good times.

i had a post in my head when i started this and i don't know where it went.

i'm having a strange time lately. professionally my life is going really well, i'm starting to recognize trends in my clients which really helps me with all of them. like if it helps her shoulder because of this it will help his neck because of that and then...

the knowledge sort of makes itself bigger simply through use. when they say that your best teachers are your clients they mean it. it's also true that the more you learn the less you know. but it's most true that each of them makes themself a small place in your heart and you miss them for a while when they leave and continue to wonder about them at steadily decreasing intervals for years.

journalism lady said that she found herself thinking of them in the middle of sunday brunch and suddenly i felt so much better about the little client dazes i go into for no apparent reason.

anyway so teaching is going awesome. [hey look leah, shitty english!]

i've found a client who is into trading work and who will help me set up as a business. (incorporation and all that shit needs to be done as does accounting and taxes.)

i'm working just enough, i can probably call the hot doctor for referrals one more time if i need to and my clients are starting to self refer. i love that i see one lady AND i see a friend of hers. that's how i'll make it in the long run.

word of mouth rocks in so many ways.

anyway so work is going well and continuing education is dialled in with my awesome teacher and professionally all is well with the world. [dear universe that was NOT a challenge and yes, i could stand to do a little better.]

but there's this god damm haze in front of my face and i can't see around it.

i'm getting hit pretty hard with some kind of seasonal bull shit and i truly do not understand it. i know that it's been raining and that i've gotten wet and cold but it's also been sunny and warm.

i've gone for walks.

i've swung my hips with my jacket slung over my shoulder and traded smiles with random passers by as i sauntered wherever i was going.

i've flirted with taxi drivers and bartenders.

there's been brunch with lovely friends.

i went to a punk rock concert. and?

i made my friend hubris drop his jaw by dressing like a girl.

i've randomly bought shit including climbing shoes, cds, bonbons and dvds. i can't afford any more random shit.

my car is fixed.

i am climbing really well lately and feeling some new connections make themselves with my new shoes.

i did the impossible (a rollup [PROPERLY]) after three and a half YEARS of learning pilates and i didn't even notice.

i have no reason to be feeling maudlin and sad and yet i do. i feel like i'm not all there no matter where i am or what i'm doing. i really can't describe it any better than to say that it's like wearing dirty glasses and cotton in your ears *all* the time.

i'm having to force myself to keep my JUST CLEANED BY THE MAID apartment remotely tidy.

so yeah i'm depressed. it's not ennui it's that other fucking bullshit and the only thing i know for sure about it is that if you give in to it it's worse than if you just live well in spite of it.

but damm, it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings.

hell it's getting harder and harder to take myself over to my friends' houses for fun and weed or to take myself climbing or basically to leave the house for anything that isn't work related.

i'm still doing it all but it's getting brutal for me. i think it's because there wasn't a winter this year. i saw snow for a day or two here or there but it was usually always melting. it snowed on me a few times but i just didn't play in the snow. i didn't put my snow pants on ONCE this year. there was no skiing in falling fresh powder and then lunching on the deck in the sun before lazing away the afternoon on the fast and easy runs.

so i went from fall to perpetual spring with a few days of winter here and there.

i think the endless spring is doing to me what winters in vancouver did way back when. it's actually why i fled vancouver, i knew that if i went through another winter of mist and drizzle and cold wet weather i would kill myself and i came back to ontario.

i think this is also why it took me so long to clue in to what was going on. i haven't been in this kind of weather in nine years. fuck me, it's been ten. i'm not up on the symptoms anymore and frankly?

this is a much milder dose. i just didn't recognize it because the weather caused ones are a little different...

the one thing with depression is that after the first one lifts you have a secret. you know that it will get better because it did once.

then you get your second one and that's when life gets funny because it can take you in one of two directions. either you'll recover from that one and then realise that it always gets better OR you will recover from that one and realise that there will always be another one.

it's all about that question. because i know it will get better i am not hit nearly as hard by this depression as i was by my last one... and that one hit less hard than the one before and so on.

i cannot imagine how shitty it must be to be the other kind.

31 Comments:

Blogger DZER said...

maybe you're depressed because there are less tedious, mundane things about which to worry, so all that negative energy that normally would be spent on worrying about making rent, fixing your car, getting clients, etc. now has nowhere to go?

Just a shot in the dark.

Feel better, darlin' — enjoy and revel in the good times, the good things, the good friends, the good money and job ... just all the good.

*hugs*

4/13/2006 12:06:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

booyeah baby! First comment! heh!

(and second)

4/13/2006 12:06:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: jesus fuck that's a thought isn't it?

i'll have to let it sit for a bit and see what i conclude. i'm still a little worried about money, i may not be able to afford a course i desperately want to take...

and thanks dzer i really am. i feel crappy but i'm living the life well anyway you know? least i won't look back on now and think it was time wasted.

4/13/2006 12:17:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

first...

*huggers galore*

But also...I think that it is very important that you recognize what's going on. Here is the thing...I think the gentler souls...the ones that are in touch with reality and goodness are the ones that end to get hit with these types of feelings. We think, we feel too much...it is a blessing and a curse. Bu you are keeping on keeping on, which is totally how you, your sassiness, deal with life...you buck up and deal with it and you are stronger for it. It's also good that you recognize the positive stuff... you know, the work going great, which hurray! and the friends and life in general being all good. And you know what, that's kinda it in a way too. If you were out of work or homeless or utterly lonely, hose would be the problems on your mind...not this... fog of sorts. So, here, take my hand and yes it is going to be ok, but it is also ok to feel like shit...and my grammar, spelling, and punctuation suck right now but I don't care cause it's all about you getting through this.

Much love Sassi :)

-N

4/13/2006 12:23:00 AM  
Blogger Will said...

I think Dzer may be on to something, Sass.

Maybe you need a change...another mountain to climb? I don't know you that well, obviously, but it seems like you aren't truly happy unless you're busting your ass to earn your keep. People like you have a hard time enjoying the rewards because the work is done. Assuming I'm right about you, of course.

There's a LOT of this..."stuff"...going around these days, but I think maybe it's hitting all of us for different reasons.

Sorry I don't have any advice, but you did say that it only pisses you off anyway, so I'll spare ya. ;-) Besides, I can't even help myself at the moment, so it would be presumptuous of me to offer anything but an ear to listen with.

Feel better soon, Sass. And do what ya gotta. (eat that, McLaren!)

4/13/2006 12:24:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: oh thanks dude *huggles*

the more i do this healing stuff the more i dial in. maybe i need to get my shields beefed up. find a witch or something. i'm a natural empath too and now i touch people for work.

and it's totally a blessing and i wouldn't give it up... but it sucks too :)

life will never suck like it did when i was in public school so the keeping on gets easier... but thanks for your encouragement dude, it's ridiculously helpful. that said, i've been broke and wondering where rent was coming from and lying on my bed too... but those tended to be weather related it's true.

hee hooray for the bad grammar!

*huggles* thanks nat


scat: yeah me too dude... but i'm still depressed *chuckles*

hrm you might be right, i mean i love climbing but it's sort of dialled in and progressing on it's own now. something new to learn. i have been wondering about tai chi...

hmmm i don't think the busting my ass needs to be my keep so much as my life has always been stuffed to the gills with activities so i do like to keep busy.

it's not so much the work thing, i can laze with the best of them and love it totally, but i need to keep busy or i get REALLY depressed.

maybe it's hitting us all for the same reasons. we, as a society, are more disconnected than we ever were from each other and yet we have more ways to connect than ever before.

when did i say advice pisses me off? *wanders archives*

i think it's silly to think you can't help me if you can't help you. the point is that people help EACH OTHER through things ... like i can fix your back and you can fix my car or some crap like that... you know?

lol thanks scorp!

4/13/2006 12:40:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

e me your addy, sweet stuff, I wanna send you some stuff that will make you laugh.

Depression sucks, don't I know it. But you're so right that if we can just keep mentally sharp enough to know it'll pass, it helps us get through. And yeah, till the next funk. Sad thing is, it takes awhile to figure out it's YOU there is something wrong with and not everybody else being mean or irrational.

Send me your addy.

Hugs.

4/13/2006 01:12:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

okay i've emailed you... :)

things that will make me laugh are all good but it's pretty hard to do... well it is and it isn't. it's easy to get the little laughs... harder to get the big ones...

depression does suck for sure, but remembering it goes away is the only thing that makes it bearable... and makes it possible to just keep on truckin'

you're right there too, once you clue in it's fine but before that it's easy as hell to burn bridges or quit jobs or or or :)

you mean everybody else isn't being mean and irrational? shit!

*smile*
*huggles*

4/13/2006 07:53:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

not sure how shit works in canada..but incorporation might not be the best avenue.

some kind of partnership may be.

that said...i'm in class, so i'll comment on non legal shit when i'm done :)

4/13/2006 09:25:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

I find it frustrating how I can have everything going well but still feel something missing. When I try to identify that missing thing I turn up nothing... no excuse to feel that way. Its like stumbling over the fact again & again that no one on this planet is perpetually sorted out and blissful. That's what happens to me anyway.

I am with you, Sass. Be well and chat with me later if you wish. *hugs*

4/13/2006 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: apparently i should form a company and then be the only employee. i carry my own insurance and everything else goes through the company... or something like that anyway

i'll certainly run whatever he suggests by my more legal/business savvy friends :)

have fun in class


hubris: i know, it's frustrating as fuck isn't it?

i think i'll be out all day but i think i'm seeing you tomorrow... :)

4/13/2006 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Depression sucks. Especially depression that isn't necessarily 'tied' or directed by anything...

Although I know you know this, I went through a deep depression some time back (years) and when i finally decided to seek therapy the first thing the good doctor explained was that pot is a depressant and I should quit smoking weed.

To which I scoff and still smoke to this day, but ANYWAY... that's not the point here... *SIGH*

Oh sass. I have no idea what I could possible say to make it any better and truly I'm not sure there are the words to do so... I just think and have hope that maybe something will correct how you're feeling and your smile will come back to us effervescently.

sp? fuckit.

HEY.. If you dressed like a girl and hubris did the jaw drop.. why the heck weren't pictures taken!?!?!?

Am I the only one that loves looking at you? Can't be.

you have warm little hugs from me, try and hang the best you can.

smooch

4/13/2006 10:56:00 AM  
Blogger all bitched out said...

I feel like there's not much I can add to the conversation, since everyone's put in some great comments. You have the best damn commenters ever ;)

Anyway, I do know what you mean and I thank the deities every time I pop out of one of those funks. You know it'll get better, and that's a life-saving piece of knowledge right there. And hey, if you don't feel like going out thendon't. Sometimes it's better to face your feelings head on, even if you can't attribute them to something other than the weather.

*hugs*

4/13/2006 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

i think dzer's on to something too. he's pretty smart.

and i think it's really cool you're able to live well despite the haze. that ain't easy. and i think that will be the thing to pull you through it.

4/13/2006 02:01:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: it's true, if you can point your poverty at it or your lack of job or your fucked in the head boyfriend you can pretend that it really isn't coming from inside of you and so you don't really have to deal.

i'm fully aware of the weed thing but it's the only thing that turns off 40 of the 62 tracks in my brain and lets me find any peace... so that doctor can try having add and then see what that fucker says (i know i know... stop self medicating and get a real prescription... but i prefer mj to speed)

sometimes bubbles just knowing there's people out there worrying AND people out there who have been there and share this bullshit is all you really need. the best thing i ever got out of group therapy was to meet ten other people with the same problems as me...

spelling seems okay to me...

as for the girl thing? i didn't warn anyone i was doing it so there wasn't any reason for anyone to bring a camera... bitch at them if you want pics *grin*

and yes bubbles, you and matt vella and hubris do appear to be the only ones.

*huggles* and thanks babe :)


treesa! i'm so glad you're back with your own face! and you're right, i do have the best commenters ever, and i don't know what i did to deserve them!

as for the comments, really just sharing your own experience is nice for me (and probably a bunch of anonymous people) because it makes me (them?) feel less alone in this.

when you say life saving you are FULLY choosing the right words.

i'm working to face them head on and i'm not exactly forcing myself out, if i want to stay in i do BUT i do force my regular activities like climbing and band practise and pilates class because otherwise i get WORSE.

*hugs* thanks!

4/13/2006 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: i do too... but this is also a little cyclical with me... it's just a looooong cycle.

the living well in spite of the haze thingy comes from practise... and from the knowledge that if i DON'T the haze gets worse but if i DO it stays the same or improves... so it gets easier and easier to do though it's still tough.

thanks for the support babe :)

4/13/2006 02:07:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

In regards to something Elle said above: although with incorporation you have to pay higher business taxes (at least in the US), that may be the better way to go for you as far as liability is concerned. If you are in a partnership or a sole proprietor, then your personal assets are merged with the business. That is, say, you have a client, he or she gets injured or an accident occurs and a lawsuit ensues, then the plaintiff can go after everything you own and more. Same thing with business creditors. I doubt that would be much of a worry for you, but if you do take out a bank loan and default they (and every other business that you owe money to) will come after your personal assets. When you are incorporated, the invisible partner becomes the liable party and your personal assets are protected. Only business assets are in jeopardy. Plus, if you are in a partnership or sole proprietorship, the government will get their money anyway by taxing your personal income.

Of course, you would probably want to consult an attorney or tax accountant prior to making your final decision. But, if you want the unsolicited advice of a guy who deals with B2B collections, credit analyses, liability insurance forms, personal guarantees, bonds, liens, payment contracts and many other fun things on a daily basis, I say incorporate.

4/13/2006 02:42:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

Nothing wrong with self medication.

I think Dzer has a point, perhaps you need a new challenge?

The other kind of depression?

Yeah, sucks ass.
I get pissy when people tell me not to take drugs for depression. Fuck you all, is what I say. When you've been incapable of anything other than catatonia broken up by fits of crying MORE THAN ONCE in your life, you can give me advice on medication. Before then, fuck right off.

I don't like taking them. They WILL shorten my life, possibly significantly, but they'll also make it livable at all. They mean I can look people in the eye and interact with them, they'll mean I can enjoy my children and they'll mean I won't accidentally starve myself to death.

wow...rant much Deni?
sorry Sass...point being, depression sucks, sorry you're going through it, and I think I can relate, if you wanna talk or something.

4/13/2006 02:44:00 PM  
Blogger Will said...

I think I may have mis-quoted you, Sass. You actually said that good advice "makes you defensive." My bad, sorry. :-)

And WTF??? I've said on numerous occasions that I enjoy looking at you! Sigh...it sucks sucks when you can't seem to be heard. Now I'M depressed, too. :-P

As for giving up the ol' sweet leaf, all I can say is, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." It's not for everyone (what is?) you've got a lot of people here who've been there - most of us still are - and really want to help. It makes us feel better to help each other, as you said to me earlier. Point goes to Sass.

It's beautiful and warm and sunny here in the ol' land of Cleve, so I think I'm gonna dust off my rice burner and go for a ride.

Hope all of us can find the peace we're looking for, beautiful one...including you.


Time to go break some laws! :-)

4/13/2006 03:11:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

john: that's pretty much what i'm after. the ability to not get personally sued. i work with broken people, it's a risky business to be in with no protection.

i like the few small things i have and wish to keep them mine. as for the personal income i don't intend to have much of one :)

i like the advice, and if it goes up in my blog it's free for commenting.


dollface: *snerk*

i think he does too, i'm thinking maybe tai chi but i'm also thinking that maybe something that is NOT movement related is the way to go. like pottery or some crap like that...

i don't cry, i especially don't cry when i'm depressed, in fact i only cry for books, tv, movies and long distance commercials (oh and rikki lake long lost sibling reunification episodes...) but i have sat in my bed for a month straight before and refused to do anything but surf the net and eat. and this has happened more than once in fact.

i don't have it to your extent clearly but i can see you from where i am and it's a shitty assed place to be dude.

they shorten your life? why? how?

that kind of rant is HIGHLY apropos to the post so rant on dude.

just knowing other people can relate is often half of what you need right?


scat: you're right i'm sorry... i should have included you in that list *grin* but it's hard to toot my own horn even if people tell me that i should [and dzer is in that list too okay?]

you did misquote me but not that badly :)

it makes me sane and i love it but it also bothers me a little how much i use it. funny cause it's like a tenth at the MOST of what i used to use and it bugs me. *laughs*

i think anyone who battles depression is always there... there's just degrees right?

it's like that here too, i'm quite looking forward to tomorrow because of it.

have fun with the rice rocket!

*blush* thanks scat... and right back to you.

4/13/2006 03:57:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

They're quite hard on the liver.

I also suspect neurological side effects akin to epilepsy, but nothing's been proven.

I don't really like this one I'm on. I think it's time to switch again.

4/13/2006 06:42:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

can't have highs without the lows. sucks, but it does make the highs worthwhile.

and when everything is going according to plan, when it's all smooth sailing? i have a habit of getting a bit bummed out. not that i thrive on shitty experiences and being knocked down..but nothing excites me and motivates me more than a good challenge. when all's well, there's no challenges. dzer may be right..maybe you just need somethin to spark your synapses into a soul warming fervor that will make the ennui and the haze dissipate. when i'm in a funk, i find myself doing really strange things that just kind of make me happy...like re-decorating my apartment slightly...or changing my hair color....adds a new twist on life...however strange it is.

4/13/2006 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

mightyd: fair enough. i know people who have developed kidney issues with lithium also...

wait what makes you suspect that???

how many have you tried now?


elle: you're totally right ladybird.

for me the second there's some smooth sailing the universe tends to kick me in the ass. turns out i'm not allowed to settle for long.

i don't think y'all are wrong, i think for sure i need a new challenge. that said i'm also a chronic depressive... it's really two problems in one...

i totally agree that my life needs something new but i've moved a million times and taken up a ton of new activities... i want something REALLY new.

i clean my apartment or rearrange it and i do the hair thing when my hair is shorter so i totally get that...

damm moody bullshit sucks

4/14/2006 02:22:00 AM  
Blogger JMai said...

Mmm greek food.

Yay proper rollup!

I don't get depressed often but when I do, it's usually just a general feeling of malaise with no discernible cause. And then it goes away and I'm not sure when or how or why but it doesn't last long. I think I just get listless and it probably does have a lot to do with Dzer's comment. Perhaps he IS the great and mighty Dzer after all!

But I do hope you're feeling happier soon. That was a great way of putting it... dirty glasses and cotton in your ears all the time. Like you're there but just not getting the full effect of everything because of this or that.

As for the business model, I'm sure the legalbloggers can get together and figure out the most intelligent way for you to become an entity, with full tax and liability benefits... even under Canadian laws! You know you've got my help anytime you seek it.

Of course we'd all be engaging in the unauthorised practice of law, since Elle can't give advice as a non-lawyer and I can't practice in states (or God forbid!) countries where I am not licensed... but it's all for you, Sass! Lol.

-hugs-

4/14/2006 09:55:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

oh man, depression is something I live with too, but not mine, babe suffers and is on medication at the moment. Good for you for recognising it for what it is still 'living' in sptie of it! So many choose to wallow in it...

4/14/2006 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

I don't know what to tell you Sass. Other than I feel we are on similar wave lengths lately. I've always been a bit of an introvert so hanging out in social settings of any sort can be a lot of work for me. I suspect that your introverted in much the same way as I am. Not the standard shy, but just happy to create a buffer around yourself. I think that these things just go in cycles. The momentum of Spring and Summer will slowly amp up and by the time Hillside arrives you'll be in fine form.

4/14/2006 11:20:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jmai: and yes, the greek food was awesome

and the almost right rollups are awesome too... finally!

i don't get depressed every year but there is no five year period of my life that's been free of at least one depression. some of them are seasonal and they're different and a little easier in some ways but the others very rarely have a discernible cause OTHER than the usual the universe is out to get me bullshit.

dzer is pretty awesome and since that comment i have been trying to think of something new to try but i'm not coming up with much.

thanks, i really like the glasses/cotton metaphor because it sums it up well. it's why i can still laugh and be happy with my friends and yet feel not all there.

well when the business model thingy gets going i'll post the general plan and let y'all throw non binding darts at it *grin*

and thanks for the offer of help! and i think if you say "i am not a lawyer in this context but i think..." or some crap like that that you're okay aren't you?

"this is not legal advice but..."


deb: i wonder what it's like to be the other person in a depression house. my ex and i drove each other steadily nutser... he got a bit schizo and i got deeply depressed... and we made each other worse and worse (this was right after my car accident, it wasn't all our faults)

sometimes you can't help but wallow... but i think i caught this one in time...


lsd: i'm the most extroverted introvert that i've ever met. i'm an introvert that needs people around her desperately. it's great fun.

4/14/2006 11:44:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

I know what it's like, Sass. It hits me almost every year. Winter - yep, even in San Diego - is my downfall.

I don't know what it is, I think it's my cro magnan man telling me to camp out, eat a lot and generally not stray far from the cave.

This winter has been rough for some reason, although last one - bad enough to medicate.

Last winter, not necessary.

One before that, necessary.

I'm just glad I recognized it and there's something that helps cuz it really, really sucks.

4/14/2006 07:32:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: it's interesting how many people shared the sentiments of my post. i was actually really surprised at how many of us came out of the woodwork in exchange.

there's definetely an instinct for hivernation wired into us, and in some ways my problems this year are coming because i didn't shut down and reset. there wasn't time with my busy life. summer will do it just as well but yeah, it's a weird spring.

i'm sure if we studied the jet stream or the phases of the moon as they related to snow fall or some bullshit like that we would find a correlation but lord knows where to look.

yeah dude, figuring it out really is half the battle. glad you did too!

4/14/2006 10:58:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

It's funny that it was right there in front of my face for the longest damn time. Acctually SEEING it was another thing entirely.

Doing something about it was another thing entirely, too.

4/15/2006 03:00:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: i think that's normal though... first of all there's moronic amounts of stigma attached to mental illness which is just plain ridiculous and then really who thinks their moods might actually be caused by weird brain chemistry?

you just make yourself worse wondering why you can't snap yourself out of it. i'm just so fucking weird about the meds that i've worked very hard to find lifestyle fixes as an alternative. lucky me that works...

[family history and some bad doctoring leaves me so fucked in the head about these things that my body just rejects them on the spot, numb lips and all]

the doing is the hardest part oddly enough.

4/15/2006 03:06:00 PM  

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