haze

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i have exactly twenty one minutes before my client arrives.

and now ten because a lovely lady just came in to the studio and we got to chatting about the leah mclaren incident [she teaches journalism] and finding that link to make your lives easier took long enough that my client arrived, has been worked, someone else has been worked and delicious dinner was had at a lovely greek restaurant and i wrote three quarters of a post with no discernible ending in sight and chatted with my sister.

ahhh good times.

i had a post in my head when i started this and i don't know where it went.

i'm having a strange time lately. professionally my life is going really well, i'm starting to recognize trends in my clients which really helps me with all of them. like if it helps her shoulder because of this it will help his neck because of that and then...

the knowledge sort of makes itself bigger simply through use. when they say that your best teachers are your clients they mean it. it's also true that the more you learn the less you know. but it's most true that each of them makes themself a small place in your heart and you miss them for a while when they leave and continue to wonder about them at steadily decreasing intervals for years.

journalism lady said that she found herself thinking of them in the middle of sunday brunch and suddenly i felt so much better about the little client dazes i go into for no apparent reason.

anyway so teaching is going awesome. [hey look leah, shitty english!]

i've found a client who is into trading work and who will help me set up as a business. (incorporation and all that shit needs to be done as does accounting and taxes.)

i'm working just enough, i can probably call the hot doctor for referrals one more time if i need to and my clients are starting to self refer. i love that i see one lady AND i see a friend of hers. that's how i'll make it in the long run.

word of mouth rocks in so many ways.

anyway so work is going well and continuing education is dialled in with my awesome teacher and professionally all is well with the world. [dear universe that was NOT a challenge and yes, i could stand to do a little better.]

but there's this god damm haze in front of my face and i can't see around it.

i'm getting hit pretty hard with some kind of seasonal bull shit and i truly do not understand it. i know that it's been raining and that i've gotten wet and cold but it's also been sunny and warm.

i've gone for walks.

i've swung my hips with my jacket slung over my shoulder and traded smiles with random passers by as i sauntered wherever i was going.

i've flirted with taxi drivers and bartenders.

there's been brunch with lovely friends.

i went to a punk rock concert. and?

i made my friend hubris drop his jaw by dressing like a girl.

i've randomly bought shit including climbing shoes, cds, bonbons and dvds. i can't afford any more random shit.

my car is fixed.

i am climbing really well lately and feeling some new connections make themselves with my new shoes.

i did the impossible (a rollup [PROPERLY]) after three and a half YEARS of learning pilates and i didn't even notice.

i have no reason to be feeling maudlin and sad and yet i do. i feel like i'm not all there no matter where i am or what i'm doing. i really can't describe it any better than to say that it's like wearing dirty glasses and cotton in your ears *all* the time.

i'm having to force myself to keep my JUST CLEANED BY THE MAID apartment remotely tidy.

so yeah i'm depressed. it's not ennui it's that other fucking bullshit and the only thing i know for sure about it is that if you give in to it it's worse than if you just live well in spite of it.

but damm, it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings.

hell it's getting harder and harder to take myself over to my friends' houses for fun and weed or to take myself climbing or basically to leave the house for anything that isn't work related.

i'm still doing it all but it's getting brutal for me. i think it's because there wasn't a winter this year. i saw snow for a day or two here or there but it was usually always melting. it snowed on me a few times but i just didn't play in the snow. i didn't put my snow pants on ONCE this year. there was no skiing in falling fresh powder and then lunching on the deck in the sun before lazing away the afternoon on the fast and easy runs.

so i went from fall to perpetual spring with a few days of winter here and there.

i think the endless spring is doing to me what winters in vancouver did way back when. it's actually why i fled vancouver, i knew that if i went through another winter of mist and drizzle and cold wet weather i would kill myself and i came back to ontario.

i think this is also why it took me so long to clue in to what was going on. i haven't been in this kind of weather in nine years. fuck me, it's been ten. i'm not up on the symptoms anymore and frankly?

this is a much milder dose. i just didn't recognize it because the weather caused ones are a little different...

the one thing with depression is that after the first one lifts you have a secret. you know that it will get better because it did once.

then you get your second one and that's when life gets funny because it can take you in one of two directions. either you'll recover from that one and then realise that it always gets better OR you will recover from that one and realise that there will always be another one.

it's all about that question. because i know it will get better i am not hit nearly as hard by this depression as i was by my last one... and that one hit less hard than the one before and so on.

i cannot imagine how shitty it must be to be the other kind.