little black festering jewels

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i've been thinking a lot about lying lately... about all the different ways that people lie to themselves and others and moreso about the repercussions of those lies. i'm not referring to the little white lie where you tell someone their new blouse is okay because they are clearly in love with it and although you think it's not so great you're not going to step on the boost they get from wearing it. [yes i used an example that has not happened in years... so no one think i mean you]

i mean if it was flat out bad? don't even wear it to visit your grandmother bad? i would so tell them. and i would definetely tell them it was only date four worthy and not date one.

regardless, that kind of fib is utterly harmless... and you will note i did not say 'i love the blouse.'

[i cannot shake the feeling that i've written this post before... if y'all have read it, tell me where it is, i can't find it]

and i can totally see how you might tell someone a lie that you think is just a small fib and then sort of over time realise that it isn't. so i've been developping some guidelines.

don't laugh, i think about everything i do and i try to sort of figure out what i'll do in whatever situation comes up. i also think about what i *did* do in certain situations and about how i will change said things the next time i'm in that boat.

i guess i take 'learn from your mistakes' a little more seriously than the average joe.

fair enough since i got a lot of bruises when i was a kid. thinking about your actions became kinda de rigeur when i was still hella young. that and all my friends were books so my brain works like a first person narrator.

'i'm sorry i'm late there was traffic/subway delay' is an acceptable fib which can be translated to mean any of:
. i left late
. i was smoking weed
. i didn't really feel like showing up
. d-uh slept in!
. there was only ten minutes left in my show
. etc

relatively harmless so on a going to hell scale it's about a one.

'of course i would never fuck your wife' is never an acceptable lie. it's especially unnacceptable when you're still wiping her off your face. and right up there with 'i would never/have never cheated on you' while you're hiding the lipstick smudge on your collar.

those are the easy ends of the spectrum right? i mean assuming that you're a relatively honest person who tries to tell the truth or at least tells the truth when it's easy for you then you can sort of see that what i said above is pretty much truth.

i don't care if you're cheating on your partner, have some balls/ovaries and talk to them about it. better yet? talk to them BEFORE you cheat, while you're still tempted but unsinned. [this does not include open relationships, in those you're only cheating if you break the terms you and your partner agreed to]

i used to think that it was okay to lie to your friends. you know, if they don't want to hear something why should you tell them? i mean sure that BO is terrible but it might hurt their feelings. well you know what? it hurts them more when you lie to them...

why?

because then not only do they have to deal with whatever it was you couldn't bear to tell them but they also have to deal with their trusted friend being a liar. i'm not really talking lies of omission here by the way. i mean if i walk right up to you and look you in the face and ask you a question?

tell me the fucking truth.

if you think it's what i don't want to hear? ESPECIALLY tell me the fucking truth.

i'm trusting you as someone i care for and who cares for me to tell me the truth. worse? i'm ASSUMING that you'll tell me the truth. therefore when you lie to me i'm going to take it as the god's honest truth and go about my merry way thinking that my outfit works, that it really doesn't bug people when i interrupt them, that you care about me, that i really should buy that whatever, that you will never share a secret i've told you... whatever.

i mean you're my dear friend and i can trust you right? you won't lie to me right?

or as my sister says? your friends are the people who tell you the hard truths when you need to hear them. i am so badly paraphrasing her *grin*

the thing here is that when you lie to your friends? [note i do NOT say fib] or when you lie to your loved ones? that may well be the easier answer right that second. it's always going to feel easier to you because people don't really lie about the easy stuff. it's just that it's never the easy way in the long run see?

here's the thing;

when i find out that you lied to me? (and i don't mean told me you liked my shirt fyi) when i know categorically that you lied to me? when no matter how i slice it i can't find a way that that could have been accidental? when, even worse, you lie to me and then to my friends ABOUT lying to me?

well that negates our whole friendship now doesn't it?

some of you are wondering why the one leads to the other. some of you know.

it's tragically simple really. now that i know you are willing to lie to me about something that actually matters i must needs then question every single other thing we ever said to each other. i have to go back over it and figure out where you lied to me this time or that time.

i have to wonder at every single solitary NOISE that comes out of your mouth whether you're lying again or not. and you know what? it's not worth it.

it's just not. i'll maybe try to believe that it is for a while but it isn't. there's just too much drama attached. hell even leah mclaren thinks you should cut liars out of your life. or if you can't you should at least communicate only tersely with them and only as necessary. [i hate that i'm agreeing with her here... column is called 'five simple rules for cutting the drama' - march 10]

the older i get the more i think it must be true.

and by the way liars who are reading this? if you apologise unprompted and try to reform then those of us that are sincere and honest? stupid enough to take you back as friends. if you deny and pretend it didn't matter? not so much.

i used to think that all you really needed to do was be aware that they were liars. i used to think things like 'just because she's sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend doesn't mean she'll lie to me'

um what?

yes it does.

and therein lies the problem. somehow, when you lie to your friends and loved ones you negate your entire relationship with them. woe is thee when they find out.

and yet somehow? more woe to your friends. they're the ones staring at the ceiling and shaking their heads wondering how they could have trusted you in the first place. you're just the liar who is off to lie to someone else.

how is that fair?