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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Friday, July 15, 2005

trust

.
I've been musing on the nature of trust lately. First there was a small incident with my former dealer. Apparently I violated his personal security. And probably I did. It feels more like someone was looking for an excuse to cut some ties and took it. Still it got me thinking. [damm it's hard to type after beer!]

I trusted the person who was in my house. In fact I trust him implicitly. But my former friend didn't trust him at all and was offended that I didn't ask him to leave. What I don't get is why my no longer friend couldn't have just said 'can we step outside?' ... but no, i was supposed to be psychic, realise he was uncomfortable and boot my trusted friend out of my apartment. I'm sad that this person doens't wish to have me in their life anymore but I'm sadder about a ... moment of disillusionment.

I tried to borrow a book from someone to lend it to someone else. To me the act of vouching for this person was enough. *I* trust them and so therefore they should be trusted. However the borrowee is not the sort of person to lend their things so they're offended that I would even consider doing so. I'm shocked that me trusting someone isn't good enough.

So there it is.

My friend LT went off to China and met BS [no pun intended] while there. He commented that he had a friend moving to my city, she got in touch with me and I hosted said friend while he looked for an apartment.

From the first day we've trusted each other because our friends that we trust trusted each other. To us that was enough. It's been enough when any of the original foursome have met and it's been enough when some other members of our chosen families have been introduced. To me this is totally natural. The *right* thing. I trust you, you trust her, she trusts him so I trust him. Sort of like the friendster model or something.

That's what I consider a sane way to live. Trusting the people that the people you love choose to trust. This broadens your circle and incidentally introduces you to a whole cool set of experiences you might otherwise have missed.

It's just... it turns out that other people don't think that way. In fact it seems that I'm even evangelical about it. Wow... how little you can know your own behaviour.

I had no idea that I was evangelical about my trust model. Maybe I'm not... maybe it's just that the act of living the way I believe seems preachy to others.

So then that begs the question: how are you supposed to live the way you believe and NOT be preachy? How do you act on those things that you consider important and not piss off other people? Where do your own personal beliefs and other people's space diverge? What's the difference between imposing and choosing for yourself?

All very interesting points to ponder but I have a class to teach in 8 hours.

4 Comments:

Blogger Blahggraider said...

A sad truth about this world that we live in is that you can only trust others who you've shared common experiences with over a period of time.
Too many exist who are willing to take advantage of the "implicit trust" they receive by introduction from seemingly reliable sources...in fact their ability to use or abuse you relies on approaching you on that basis.

7/15/2005 05:09:00 AM  
Blogger castufari said...

blah is right, if you share an experience then you have some sort of bond. the deeper the experience the stronger the bond of trust can be. sitting in a conference with someone is one thing. climbing with someone and being their belay is another.

trust is hard to build, easy to break. the folks i trust i've been through things with - the guys i've surfed with, folks i've traveled with.

just live the way you want, people will either accept you or they won't. converting people or forcing them to accept you doesn't seem to work. at least from my experience it hasn't.

7/15/2005 02:22:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

oh dude I'm totally NOT trying to convert anyone... I live the way I live is all. It's just that until someone accused me of being like missionary I hadn't even realised I was doing it.

So I'm trying to figure... where does MY sense of life end and someone else's begin? AT what point am I imposing my beliefs on someone else and at what point am I just living the way I live?

As for trust... I trust everyone and wait to get screwed... in the long run my heart gets broken somewhat regularly but I have a lot more friends...

7/15/2005 02:38:00 PM  
Blogger lividviv said...

I would just say you can use the 2 rule. Once you ask somebody something once, twice is pushing it, but undestandable because maybe you are just making sure of their response. If you ask them a third time, it sounds like you don't respect their wishes. So I think that by the third time, your asking makes it a respect issue, not a trust issue. Is the issue so important to you that you want to over-ride the other person's wishes?

If you have an idea for how you think someone should change their behaviour, it helps to be very delicate about it! Like, make sure it's something important, and not something relatively minor like lending things. Some people care a lot about certain things, like books, because they are precious to them. I will spend months making a painting for someone I love, which means I am generous, but I don't like to lend books to people I've never met. So clearly I am giving in some ways, and tight in others. People are different and that is what is so great about having lots of people to love, that you are all different and can learn from each other and admire different ways of doing things. But in the end you have to do what is right for each of you. I think you are a genuinely amazing and inspiring person and I have learned SO MUCH from knowing you and am so grateful you are in my life. I have changed a lot in many positive ways from knowing you. But some ways we are just going to be different. That's okay, right?

7/19/2005 10:47:00 PM  

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