inner space

.
as you know i met up with my ex boyfriend...

it took a while but i was finally ready to see him again... and it seems the feeling was mutual.

my most recent ex.

the one that blew up three years ago which may tell you just how broken we both were when it ended. please don't take that to mean that he broke me, the universe broke me and during that he and i broke each other.

it was not a nice time in my life and he helped me through it, but over the course of that we learned to be assholes to each other and eventually forgot that we had once liked each other enough to want to live together.

because of that i had a skewed memory of him. i had sort of convinced myself that my initial friend tr was actually imaginary. that he was in fact an asshole all along and i hadn't seen the signs.

and not that there isn't some truth to that because there is, but not as much truth as i had suggested to myself.

in some way i think i had tried to pretend that the feelings ran less deep or something by negating his self. as though then the healing would be easier. as if. we fell deeply in love and then drove each other crazy... that's going to take a while to recover from and have an impact that is likely underestimated at the time.

like quitting tech support, you have no idea how long that will take to recover from until you finally do it [and oh is that the best job to quit ever!].

interestingly many of the things that made him at least partially an asshole even then are gone now.

anyway the conversation just went like it did way back when before the universe had it's way with us and we sat on this bench and we talked and talked. and it was so easy. that sort of endless rambling discussion that's just somehow flowy in it's randomness.

and that is what i wasn't expecting at all. that the ease would be there again. that was something i was absolutely certain we had killed, in fact i didn't even really remember it. i somehow had blocked out some of the good parts of him when i decided he was an asshole and while i was recovering from my accident, my family exploding, my cat dying, my love and i learning to be hateful to each other, quitting my job ...

i don't know that i can ever put into words just how broken i was. or, frankly, how broken he was. or how badly we treated each other. man it was shitty.

so we sat around and we yapped and we told each other gossip and stories of mutual folks and exercise and then we said we were sorry.

we said we were sorry.

you guys wow.

i can't even fucking tell you how weird that was. to sit around and laugh and talk and then just spontaneously be saying sorry to him. and him saying it to me. and we meant it. and it wasn't prompted or pushed. we just wanted to apologise and we did.

and the last little bit of pus from that relationship went sailing out of me.

and then we yapped some more.

we showed off our muscles and talked about the new things we'd adopted... funny how some of them came from the other and didn't take until later... talked about the ways we'd changed and the ways the universe beat us senseless. even a little the things that we shoulda or we woulda if we coulda.

and it was good.

and it was fun.

and it was so fucking weird.

here is a man i probably still know better than almost anyone in my life who knows me the same way. and we trust each other still somehow. trust each other in the sense that we told each other the truth and didn't pull any punches.

and yet? i don't know him at all.

he's a whole new guy now the same way i'm a whole new woman. but i'm the same. but i'm not. it's like we grew new little bits of our bonsai trees and so the shape was recognizeable but the details were no longer quite as expected. whole new branches had appeared even.

so i kept bumping up against things that i *knew* to be true and yet weren't. they had been incontrivertible facts when i knew him. parts of him so firmly entrenched that they couldn't possibly change.

and they did.

i don't know if that happened for him as well, he didn't comment on it and i think i may have picked his brain more than he did mine. fair enough, the first year after i left i healed, did pilates training and cleaned houses. that gets covered a lot faster than all the stuff he did.

or i was more curious... or less talkative or he was more talkative or whatever.

and there's a little empty place inside me now that's sort of weird and wondering. a little ache that i didn't even know was there has left. it's gone. that process is finished.

we said sorry.

i'm free and forgiven it seems.

as is he.

i didn't even know i still had that much weight or baggage limping around with me until i woke up and it was gone. there's this strange empty feeling instead. it's kinda swirly and fluttery... like little butterflies of anticipation. butterflies not terrorflies.

did you know they used to be named flutterbys not butterflies?

i have no idea what i'm going to do with that space but clearly i'm excited about it.

it is certain that the universe will know what to do with it and will stick something there but i am, of course, not to know what it is until i notice it in retrospect.

======================
where is sugarpunk's blog?