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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Friday, May 05, 2006

inner space

as you know i met up with my ex boyfriend...

it took a while but i was finally ready to see him again... and it seems the feeling was mutual.

my most recent ex.

the one that blew up three years ago which may tell you just how broken we both were when it ended. please don't take that to mean that he broke me, the universe broke me and during that he and i broke each other.

it was not a nice time in my life and he helped me through it, but over the course of that we learned to be assholes to each other and eventually forgot that we had once liked each other enough to want to live together.

because of that i had a skewed memory of him. i had sort of convinced myself that my initial friend tr was actually imaginary. that he was in fact an asshole all along and i hadn't seen the signs.

and not that there isn't some truth to that because there is, but not as much truth as i had suggested to myself.

in some way i think i had tried to pretend that the feelings ran less deep or something by negating his self. as though then the healing would be easier. as if. we fell deeply in love and then drove each other crazy... that's going to take a while to recover from and have an impact that is likely underestimated at the time.

like quitting tech support, you have no idea how long that will take to recover from until you finally do it [and oh is that the best job to quit ever!].

interestingly many of the things that made him at least partially an asshole even then are gone now.

anyway the conversation just went like it did way back when before the universe had it's way with us and we sat on this bench and we talked and talked. and it was so easy. that sort of endless rambling discussion that's just somehow flowy in it's randomness.

and that is what i wasn't expecting at all. that the ease would be there again. that was something i was absolutely certain we had killed, in fact i didn't even really remember it. i somehow had blocked out some of the good parts of him when i decided he was an asshole and while i was recovering from my accident, my family exploding, my cat dying, my love and i learning to be hateful to each other, quitting my job ...

i don't know that i can ever put into words just how broken i was. or, frankly, how broken he was. or how badly we treated each other. man it was shitty.

so we sat around and we yapped and we told each other gossip and stories of mutual folks and exercise and then we said we were sorry.

we said we were sorry.

you guys wow.

i can't even fucking tell you how weird that was. to sit around and laugh and talk and then just spontaneously be saying sorry to him. and him saying it to me. and we meant it. and it wasn't prompted or pushed. we just wanted to apologise and we did.

and the last little bit of pus from that relationship went sailing out of me.

and then we yapped some more.

we showed off our muscles and talked about the new things we'd adopted... funny how some of them came from the other and didn't take until later... talked about the ways we'd changed and the ways the universe beat us senseless. even a little the things that we shoulda or we woulda if we coulda.

and it was good.

and it was fun.

and it was so fucking weird.

here is a man i probably still know better than almost anyone in my life who knows me the same way. and we trust each other still somehow. trust each other in the sense that we told each other the truth and didn't pull any punches.

and yet? i don't know him at all.

he's a whole new guy now the same way i'm a whole new woman. but i'm the same. but i'm not. it's like we grew new little bits of our bonsai trees and so the shape was recognizeable but the details were no longer quite as expected. whole new branches had appeared even.

so i kept bumping up against things that i *knew* to be true and yet weren't. they had been incontrivertible facts when i knew him. parts of him so firmly entrenched that they couldn't possibly change.

and they did.

i don't know if that happened for him as well, he didn't comment on it and i think i may have picked his brain more than he did mine. fair enough, the first year after i left i healed, did pilates training and cleaned houses. that gets covered a lot faster than all the stuff he did.

or i was more curious... or less talkative or he was more talkative or whatever.

and there's a little empty place inside me now that's sort of weird and wondering. a little ache that i didn't even know was there has left. it's gone. that process is finished.

we said sorry.

i'm free and forgiven it seems.

as is he.

i didn't even know i still had that much weight or baggage limping around with me until i woke up and it was gone. there's this strange empty feeling instead. it's kinda swirly and fluttery... like little butterflies of anticipation. butterflies not terrorflies.

did you know they used to be named flutterbys not butterflies?

i have no idea what i'm going to do with that space but clearly i'm excited about it.

it is certain that the universe will know what to do with it and will stick something there but i am, of course, not to know what it is until i notice it in retrospect.

where is sugarpunk's blog?


Anonymous Princess Valium said...

First! Ha.

I commend both you and tr on your courage. That by itself is a commentary on how much both of you have changed. It's great to feel as if the wound has been excised, and maybe now the last, stubborn piece of your three year-old brokenness can heal. Go you.

I'm glad tr and you may be able to develop a friendship out of this. And although your post seemed pretty euphoric, I'd advise waiting until the rush subsides before, you know, re-evaluating your position on something beyond friendship. Not that you even alluded to that, I'm just saying. Friendship makes love better. And also can account for a sharp reduction in lamp-custody incidents.

But I'm happy that it was positive for both of you. Way to go.

On a sidenote: The past three years have been really change-ful for everyone, if you think about it. Well, everyone we mutually know, anyway. Wild.

Non sequitur: Do you need me to hold onto those four tapings I made for you this week?

5/05/2006 01:48:00 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

wow, WTG on evicting those demons of the past you never knew you had, reminds me in some horribly weird and twisted way of the saying "You can't miss what you haven't had", dont ask me why this is all I can think of right now....
Glad that you and the ex had a grownup talk!

5/05/2006 06:58:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

PV: ^5

um what were you doing up at two am???

to be honest i'm still a bit stunned that we ever got together and talked. i know i instigated it and yet i'm still stunned.

we've definetely changed tons but i'm more of a change back...

ohhh client!

5/05/2006 08:00:00 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I'm glad that you have "healed" so to speak with that relationship.

It's a comforting feeling when that happens

5/05/2006 08:52:00 AM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

Ok, I have to ask a few questions as you know this is how I am. Is it now a friends with benefits situation? Nothing wrong with it, and in fact on a physical level there are many things right with it. How did you get to be so damned well adjusted in your life? Amazingly able to sift through past problems and sit there with a clear head and speak to this guy, I know I would not be able to do that. Can I shoot this guy in the head, or at least maim him for life? Guys that are alone dream about women like yourself and want to hurt guys like him that take it for granted. Ok, maybe not hurt them...but at least castrate them so it leaves more for us lonely guys, lol.

5/05/2006 09:14:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

okay where was i

PV: so yeah he and i have both changed enormously since we last saw each other... enormously. that said a lot of my change is me turning back into myself but with new lessons and stuff. for him i think the change might be more fundamental somehow...

i think that last stubborn piece of that three year old brokenness is healed, it was saying sorry to each other that did it.

anyway, i don't know if we can be friends, i don't know if we'll choose to hang out again, i don't know shit, i'm still just percolating that we met and it wasn't awkward or hateful :)

it was pointed out to me recently that the ones powerful enough to break your heart are also the only ones powerful enough to have it. that said, do you think we would ever believe that the other wouldn't hurt them? i mean we cut out each other's guts with dull swords after all.

oh damm i want my lamps!

dude it was awesome, i'm so glad we did it.

you're right, no one we both know hasn't changed massively in the last three years... sorta weird really.

sidenote: nope my vcr appears to be functioning and that appears to have just been a weird glitch...

deb: thanks dude. i knew i had some demons for sure but i had NO idea they would let go so easily or turn out to leave such a sizeable hole. it's very weird.

i do miss the friends we once were... i wouldn't be surprised if he does too... but that was five years ago and we are not the same people now... i'm just happy to feel free.

and dude, i highly recommend such talks, very cathartic.

kristen: me too. and yeah it really is... and unexpected too.

dammit i keep forgetting you're back.

cas: he has a girlfriend :)

i'm not sure i could do friends with benefits with an ex. at least not an ex that really mattered to me... and this is a guy i thought i would marry so i can't really imagine wanting to sleep with him casually.

as for my well adjustedness? you try spending two years on a couch thinking your body is gone forever and that you'll never sleep well again and see what you think is important two years after that.

that kind of experience changes you fundamentally... for the better usually but it's fucking hell while it happens.

i don't really know how i did it but i do know it took three years to get there. i mean we did not speak for three years except a couple of quick emails about tax forms or whatever.

why do you want to shoot him in the head or maim him? *wrinkly confused brow face*

i'm not sure that you can say he took me for granted cas, we broke each other, it was mutual... no blame just the universe having fun with a couple of people trying to be in love. i mean sure he was an ass but so was i right?

you dream about me? *blush*


5/05/2006 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

Doesn't it feel exciting to be perched on a nice hilltop wondering where you're going to land next?

I'm glad it went so well with tr. I was pretty sure it would but one never really knows.

The last meet I had with Anne was pretty nice. Certainly not something I could stand to make a habit out of but hey, good as I feel, I'm still much earlier in the stages of healing than you.

*smiles* way to be well.

5/05/2006 11:47:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

What a great blog. I hope your space is filled and overfilled in the near future. Good luck

5/05/2006 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hubris: you have perfectly summed up just how i feel. perched on a nice hilltop enjoying the view... and no idea where i'll go from here.

i thought we would have a half hour of awkward talk over coffee sprinkled with some i'm sorry. i had no idea he'd be so easy to talk with again. was unexpected.

yeah well i've had a lot longer to heal from this than you have right? and you're doing fucking awesome.

and thanks :)

lsd: thanks. i'm having some trust issues these days but i'm sure i'll get over them.

5/05/2006 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

that's just beautiful, sass. i'm so glad for you.
and clearly your instinct to get back in touch with him was spot-on.
smiling for you!

5/05/2006 01:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

terry: i am too. and according to a friend that had the same conversation with her ex husband? i will feel relief for a very long time AND this will change my life.

weird that my instincts were spot on isn't it? i was not expecting that.

5/05/2006 01:59:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Oh dollface, I am soooo glad the meeting went well. Those are always weird. Sometimes on party wants to meet to show off their new life, or to try to rekindle, or to keep arguing...and those are all erm...tough. To say the least.

When two people have had enough distance and perspective and they can come together and be honest and be themselves, well that just rocks. Hard. Especially, asking and giving forgiveness for what went down... that's just so mature and so very worth it.

I do hope this gives you a feeling of freedom from the burdens of the past; a new lease on life and relationships. In these times of uncertainty and apathy, it is nice when the unlikeliest of people give you renewed hope in mankind.


5/05/2006 02:13:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

That is so awesome Sass, and I'm so happy for you!

Some people never take that step - letting go of the baggage.

5/05/2006 04:11:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

One of the worst things (if not THE worst thing) about breaking up is that you lose a friend. I mean, not always... but in any long-term and meaningful relationship I've ever had, yes.

I'm glad you were able to reconnect with the friend that once was and that now can be again. And I'm glad you've both found peace and forgiveness. That is the kind of black hole in the soul that we carry around forever when it comes to some people/relationships and it's so nice when you can just let it go and let the hole close up and make space for new, non-black hole feelings and desires and experiences.

I'm so happy for you!

5/05/2006 06:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Brandon Seyferth said...

I see a park bench in Toronto and a lotta' lookin' at the path, the birds gathered there.

It's good to hear about the new space.

5/05/2006 07:43:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

i'll bet this WILL change your life...as what was an ugly, painful spot has been erased.

that's just wonderful.

5/05/2006 09:30:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: me too me too. i was pretty confident that he wouldn't have said yes if he hadn't had the same sentiments but you know, there's always a bit of nerves.

we discussed our new lives and showed off our new muscles?

oh man saying sorry felt so good, i've felt sorry for a long time but i wasn't really ready to say it. and it was so easy. note that y'all... it was easy.

i'm free nat, and i didn't know i wasn't free before. that's pretty cool. and yeah, it was good to see him so well.

matt: thanks dude, i'm happy for me too.

baggage is there ... it's just got wheels and a luggage strap now *grin*

jmai: i really love your take on things jmai. word on the friend thing. i missed my friend t and it made me sad that he didn't want to be friends with me. and yeah anything meaningful led to not being friends anymore.

5/05/2006 10:49:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

brando ! welcome :)

i see friends gathered close
and long walks in green spaces

drives through countryside
food with loved ones

and new adventure for new space.
care to come sit on a bench with me?

terry: me too.

in fact? it already has.

thanks, it feels wonderful.

5/05/2006 10:50:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

good for you darlin' ... good for you

5/06/2006 12:54:00 AM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

Ok...my first reactions are usually physical...or at least physical in thought. You seem to be adept at using that brain that god gave you, I am still learning. Glad you have all that relationship stuff figured out. I am on the whole given up on the past, looking toward the future bit...it will probably not have a good end, but I feel the need to try. Love your blog...once again.

5/06/2006 09:42:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: thanks babe. i'm feeling happy, relieved and proud :)

cas: well that's fair, mine are cerebral. in the long run your way is more fun. i overthink everything and get myself in a lot of trouble that way.

*I* have that relationship stuff figured out? oh my god *laughs head off*

i so don't dude. i just knew i had to lance that wound, and i have. it took some other crap with it on the way out too which was an unexpected bonus.

you know i think we love each other's blogs precisely because we think so differently.

5/06/2006 11:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Sass, are you at home this weekend? Do you need the babies to be fed? Oh, and was it you who knocked on my door yesterday?


5/06/2006 05:35:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

There are some loves from my past that I'd like to be able to do this with. Say 'I'm sorry', cause I really am. I'll probably never get the chance to, but I loved reading how you got the chance. I was such a bitch for so long, and I am honestly sorry.
Love you Sass.

5/06/2006 07:28:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

pile: yes i am, no i don't, yes it was... thanks :)

kathi: yeah there are a few people i would love to find just to give them a hug. others i don't care if i never see them again.

but yeah if you ever get the chance you should do it. at least we all know that we were bitches, some people never admit that to themselves.


5/06/2006 08:29:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

My first adult type relationship - well, I didn't behave like an adult. And I felt like crap about it.

We got in contact through Classmates.com last year and - man. Talk about a huge weight off my shoulders.

5/06/2006 11:54:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

hug back at'cha sweetie

5/07/2006 12:20:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: dude i did some bad things when i was starting out in dating but i really didn't know better and i have the comfort of knowing that most people did that too.

damm dude, i'm really glad you reconciled that. nice isn't it?

kathi: :) *snuggle*

5/07/2006 04:15:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

it weird that i do call them flutterby's?

i kind of wish i could talk to my ex..just to see what he'd say about the whole situation now..but that ain't happening.

glad you two are back on a brighter path, though. friendships built on that kind of respect are fantastic

5/07/2006 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger castufari said...

That is cool, Sass. :)

Sug killed hers, she sent an email out about it, check yours sometime. :)

5/07/2006 02:36:00 PM  
Blogger Johnny Canuck said...

Hats off to you Sass.
Very glad to hear that you've Spring-cleaned some of your soul this year. Can't wait to hear how this affects...well, who knows WHAT it'll affect? I think it'll be a good summer for you.

Hugs to ya!


5/07/2006 09:22:00 PM  
Blogger Brea said...

Wow. That is amazing. I'm glad you have the closure you need. I wish I had that with my ex.

5/07/2006 09:38:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: nope, i think that's a prettier word by far... you should keep bringing it back into use.

well, wehn you're not afraid at all and nothing he can do will hurt your heart? then you contact him.

i don't know if we'll be friends, that remains to be seen. it is nice to know that we can at the very least be at teh same parties again :)

cast: i check my mail i just suck at answering it. and she didn't send ME an email about it. tell me more?

and thanks :)

johnny: thanks man.

i think it's already having ripples of repercussion in all sorts of positive directions... it's fun letting it percolate through.

*hugs* say hi to the lady.

brea: me TOO! what i said to buttah above applies, when you're ready to do it you'll know... or you won't need to... or you'll decide it isn't worth it ... or :)

it'll work itself out as it should

platitude platitude platitude :)

5/07/2006 11:31:00 PM  
Blogger lividviv said...

well that's just awesome. Or 'aws,' as some would say.
I'm very happy for you. I'd been curious all wknd since pater told me you'd met up with him. I knew it was planned, but didn't know it had happened. Good for you!

5/08/2006 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i think flutterby is so cute :)

not an option on the ex front..perk of living 3k miles away from the asshole is i'll never have to see him/talk to him/deal with him again. ultimate closure, so to speak.

and hey, not a bad consolation prize...being able to be in the same locale is one of those awesome things ;)

5/08/2006 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

:( .. sadly enough sassiness... its gone..

reasons seem small really.. but im not as blog tough as a lot.. and things hurt my feelings easily...

anyway.. if i come back reincarnated ill let you and anyone else know.. but for now.. i am just empty with thoughts ...

ill be here reading... **hugs**.. thanks for missing me..

5/08/2006 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

ohhhhhhh and i just read castu comment.. i couldnt send one to you if you arent in my addy thingy... it seems if i email first it freezes...

CAST .. forward your copy!!! PLEASE??

5/08/2006 11:53:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

viv: people say aws? who are these people?

dude it was amazing, i'm stunned. the happy ripples are still spreading even. a lot of things changed inside me over the course of that evening. and so far all for the better.

elle: me too, and a much prettier word...

well, it sounds like yours might not be worth meeting up with. like ultimately mine wasn't actually the asshole i remember him as, so it's better to have real tr laid over old asshole in my memories tr. sure i remember the bad stuff but now i remember the good stuff too... and there was a lot of it.

i get the impression yours was an asshole through and through... in our case he and i drove each other mad...

and yeah, nice to be able to go for dim sum again.

punk: damm girl that's too bad.

i don't think your reasons have to be large or small, you feel your blog is currently not supposed to be around... so you shut it down. what's wrong with that? personally i would just change the url and hide it in my profile cause then at least you have all the posts if you want them...

do let me know if you come back, til then feel free to abuse my comments section.

really? if your email is in your profile you're about to get mail from me...


5/08/2006 12:20:00 PM  

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